Friday (11/14/201

Update & Thought :

“Amputee Christmas” arrived and I got my new test socket.  So I literally “have a leg to stand on” again!  Although it isn’t a fairy tale ending…yet. 

I like the new look.  This new leg will be smaller, shorter, not as wide or high around the knee.  I have a different locking system for my pin which I really like better than the old one.  I especially like the sound this one makes as I lock my pin into place!  I think it sounds cool!  I already have the next t-shirt picked out for the graphics on the leg when we go final with this leg (American Flag and Eagle). 

Do you ever build something up in your mind and reality ends up being a bit disappointing?  I imagined that I would slip the new leg on, get a few alignment adjustments with my foot, and walk out the door within a few minutes with a smile on my face and without a problem in the world.  There was only one problem…me!  My leg decided that a few knobby protrusions, (near the knee cap) that I never really knew existed before this, would scream in pain when I walked.  It took a while to even discover this because I thought the pain was radiating from the knee cap which caused my prosthetist to look for solutions in the wrong area. 

Overall this new leg fits much better and is more comfortable when I slip it on.  It’s the walking part that we are having trouble with!!!  I spent about two hours at the prosthetic lab being worked on at my appointment on Thursday.  We made progress but we aren’t done yet, so I have another long appointment scheduled for Monday.  In the meantime, I am supposed to “test drive” the new leg over the weekend and try to figure out what doesn’t feel right and exactly pinpoint the painful areas so they can be addressed on Monday.  My track record on being able to do that isn’t exactly stellar, which slows the whole process down a bit.

So my Amputee Christmas analogy was like ripping off the wrapping paper and finding a cool toy, only to discover that you don’t have the right size batteries, so it will be a day or two until you can play with it.  Exciting but disappointing at the same time and the waiting is difficult.

Maybe it is like buying a brand new home.  You sign the papers and get the keys and think, “I’m home!”  Only to realize that you’ve got to put up curtains, hang pictures, and unpack the boxes, etc.  It will take a while before it is comfortable and all set up so you can just set back and enjoy it.

In my anticipation, I overlooked that fact that this is a process.  A prosthetic leg is highly specialized and takes a lot of adjustments to perfectly fit it to the specific shape and characteristics of the wearer’s leg.  Hey, even Robocop needed a lot of adjustments and tweaks when he came off the assembly line!

With the help of my prosthetist, I will eventually get this leg fitting comfortably so that I can walk without pain.  I have that hope.  I look forward to that desired future.  That is the goal that I am working for.

Mentally, the timing stinks.  One of my most enjoyable hobbies is deer hunting.  Over the last few weeks while I have been wheelchair bound, I’ve missed some of the prime hunting time during the rut.  I’ve been looking forward to getting my leg and heading out to the woods on Monday to get in some bow hunting before gun season (which starts next weekend).  With my next appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon that obviously isn’t happening.  I am hoping that we’ll get the bugs worked out next week so I can gun hunt; but I am not so certain that I want to pin my hopes on that happening.  We’ll just have to wait to see.  If I get to go—great!  If I don’t—well I’ve been in the woods more this year than I did last year when I was sick, so it’s already an improvement on last year.  And there is always next year to look forward to.

Dealing with unmet expectations, false hopes, and unrealized dreams can be tough.  We typically are impatient people.  We want things fixed and resolved and we want it done now!  We don’t handle waiting well.  “I don’t want to make progress, I want the final results immediately.”  We go to the doctors and expect the pain to stop and the problem to be resolved while we are in their office.  We make a mess of our lives through years of poor decisions and then expect a counsellor to straighten out our life in a couple of sessions.   “The workman that I hired to make repairs to my home hasn’t come yet—why isn’t he here the day I called?”  “I thought the addition to my home would have been finished weeks ago—this is taking forever.”   Have you ever gone to the emergency room with something that you think should be taken care of immediately and you sit and wait to be seen for what seems to be hours?  Your computer crashes and the techs say that it will be in the shop for repairs for at least a week!

Although we want it to, life rarely falls into place in perfect timing (according to our viewpoint). So what are you going to do about?  You could try ranting and screaming.  Try taking it out on the people who are attempting to help you.  That doesn’t really sound like a wise choice, does it?  We can be mad and angry at the world and at our circumstances; but our negative emotions don’t really affect the world, do they?  I have found that just because I want the traffic light to turn green when I am running late, it stays red the same amount of time that it normally does.  When I am upset, it just SEEMS to take longer to change.  Most of our typical responses to setbacks are actually counterproductive.  If we chew the person out working behind the counter for not helping us sooner, how fast will they move now?  Since our emotions don’t change reality; why should we get all worked up into a lather?  Now we have to wait AND we feel rotten on top of it. 

It would be nice to find out that our “Universal Remote” actually controlled the universe; it is typically hard enough to get it to control the TV so don’t hold your breath trying.  Our only hope is to learn to be at peace within ourselves.  Take a calm, cleansing breath and relax.  Choose to see that you are in process towards a goal rather than focus upon the yet to be achieved finish line.  Don’t give up hope of a better tomorrow, just realize that it might be a better next week or a better “month from now” or next year instead of tomorrow. 

For me, being able to turn my frustrations over to God really helps.  Here’s a verse that reminds me who is in control and what He can do for me.  My circumstances may not change but I can face them with joy, peace, and hope.

Romans 15:13    “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Thursday (11/13/2014)

Update:

After the snow earlier this week, I waited to leave the house until everything was shoveled and melted since I am still in my wheelchair.  Late Tuesday afternoon everything was good enough for me to get out.  I also planned my time so that I would return after Karen got off work so she could help me get back up the ramp and inside if I needed help.  As I left, I found that my ramp was a bit icy.  I locked the brakes on my wheelchair and I slid all the way down the ramp!  Karen helped me back inside when I got home.

So on Wednesday morning before I tried to go down the ramp, I threw ice melt on it.  I locked the brakes and slid down the ramp again.  This time I also spun in a circle as I went down.  That was a weird feeling.  I don’t have a seat belt or airbag installed on my wheelchair…   My son, Jon, was there to help me back up into the house on Wednesday afternoon.  At one point he was slipping and couldn’t get me up the ramp.  Fortunately my wheels were on a drier spot and I gave the push we needed to get back inside.

This morning I’ll be heading down “Mount Rampmore” one more time in my wheelchair.  My wife told me to call her if I needed help.  My response was, “I won’t know if I need help until after I’ve slid down the ramp and through the handrail and land in the bushes.”  My wife said, “Well, then call me from the bushes and I’ll help get you back to the sidewalk.”  I might have to tie a rope to the handrail so I can pull myself up the ramp and let myself slowly down it as well.  I hate being limited by the weather and being housebound or having to rely upon other people to help me, so if I can find a solution that works, I’ll take it.

Thankfully, I should be walking back inside the house when I come home tonight.  I am supposed to be fitted with my test socket this afternoon.  Oh, I look so forward to walking again!  Then I’ll have a few weeks of adjustments and when we get the test socket tweaked, they’ll take it to make a permanent leg that should work for me for the next year or two. 

Thought for the Day:

“Let’s face it: life is more difficult for some than it is for others.  The playing field is not level.  You may have faced more and greater difficulties in life than I have.  You may have faced fewer.  Your life right now may feel like clear sailing.  Or it may feel like rough waters.  And comparing our lives to others ultimately isn’t that productive.  Life isn’t fair, and we shouldn’t expect it to be.  The sooner we face that reality, the better we are going to be at facing whatever is coming towards us.”  [John Maxwell, Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn].

Isn’t that the truth!  Since my hospitalization, I have refused to host a pity party for myself.  My situation is what it is and I do not choose to dwell upon how great others have it while I (pity poor me) suffer.  All that does is drag me down emotionally.  Then not only do I have to work hard to keep up physically, I have to do it while dragging around emotional baggage too.  Why would anyone want to burden themselves with that?

To be honest, I do occasionally play the comparison game.  But I only do it in one direction.  If I am going to compare myself to someone, I look for someone who has it much more difficult than I do.  When I compare my situation to that person’s I realize how fortunate I have it.  “My life could be so much more difficult if ‘that’ had happened to me.”  I find myself grateful and happy.

Thanksgiving Day will mark the anniversary of my hospitalization.  One year since I came within an hour of death. My life isn’t necessarily easy; but I am ALIVE.  I get to keep on experiencing and enjoying each new day.  I have so very much to be thankful for; why should I ruin all that happiness with sour, dour, and gloomy thoughts? 

Whatever you are facing do it with courage and do it head on.  It is what it is.  Accept it.  Change what you can to make your life better; but don’t fret and worry about the stuff you cannot change.  Give that stuff to God.  Either He will change it or He won’t.  Whatever happens and whatever you face is what you get.  Wishing won’t change anything.  Letting it drag you down won’t help your situation either.  Life isn’t fair.  Deal with it.

You’ll be happier when you do.

Tuesday (11/11/2014)

Update:

While the snow is pretty, it makes it difficult for me to travel around since I am wheelchair bound until Thursday.  Have you ever struggled trying to push a shopping cart through the snow in a grocery store parking lot?  That is a lot like what it is like propelling a wheelchair through the snow.  It isn’t easy, so I am selective about what I attempt when the weather is not cooperating with me.  I certainly don’t want to get stuck if I am out on my own.  That would be a mess!  I guess I could drop down and crawl in the snow, but…   I also have to worry about my ramp being too slippery for me to wheel myself back up it to get into the house.  I could always call my wife and she could leave work for a few minutes to get me up and in; but I don’t want to abuse that service.  I’ve got to keep that in reserve for real emergencies.  So when the weather is like this, I really have to slow down and evaluate the wisdom of trying to get out or do I just stay at home and work from there.  I’ve got to admit that the limits on my mobility weigh heavy upon me.  I’ve gotten used to being able to go when and where I want.  Now I am limited again.

This will be the first winter that I can walk on a prosthetic leg.  Since I don’t get the same immediate feedback as a regular foot would give me as I walk; I’ll have to be extra careful about slipping and falling.  I don’t think it will be too bad; but I don’t have any practical experience yet, so who knows.  I have noticed that things that used to be tough for me to do are now simpler for me to accomplish.  Walking down an incline used to be pretty difficult; but now I can do it without too much thought or effort.  I assume that walking outdoors in winter weather will be the same for me.  This year might be a bit trickier for me; but by next year I figure that I’ll have it down pat.

Since I currently don’t have a leg that fits and I am stuck in the wheelchair, I’ve had to ask a friend to shovel my snow.  This year I am planning to do that for myself; but this week I couldn’t do it.  That is a bit of an emotional letdown.  My goal is to be as self-sufficient as I am able to be.  It was hard on me watching other do all my shoveling for me last winter.  That is what bummed me out about the early snow this time; knowing I’d have to have someone else do it for me again.

The five inches or so of snow that we got is pretty; but it means an increase in the amount of effort it takes for me to be mobile.  I was talking to a young lady who just got her driver’s license this summer and this will be the first time she’s driven on snow.  Remember that learning curve?  Even those of us who are more seasoned drivers take a few trips in the car to remember to slow down and try to stop well before a stop sign.  By mid-December we’re old pro’s again; but the first few snows are training time for us again.  Well I’ve got a whole new dynamic to learn this year.  I’m looking forward to getting out in it and learning to safely navigate on my prosthesis.

This winter, think about the mobility-challenged people that you know.  They don’t necessarily have to be wheelchair bound to be mobility-challenged.  Some older people struggle with their balance and walking, fearing a fall and breaking a bone.  Checking in on our neighbors and lending a hand now and then to them can mean so much. 

Right now I am watching the men who are cleaning my driveway and the older neighbor’s across the street.  I am very thankful for their kindness in taking care of me.  For years I’ve shoveled two of my older neighbor’s driveways for them.  I guess now it is my turn to be on the receiving end of that kind of kindness.  I hope that everyone in need has someone to help them out and to check up on them.  Maybe you’ve got a neighbor that needs a helping hand for whatever reason; if you are able to lend a hand, please do it.

Thought for the Day:

Here’s a great thought from Os Hillman with some thoughts of my own at the end:

Playing to One Conductor    November 9, 2014

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!' On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor" (1 Corinthians 12:21-23).

“I watched as the conductor looked over to the violin section, then the percussion, then there was a seemingly insignificant lady standing way back in the corner waiting to play her one or two notes on a chime-looking instrument. ‘Who would even notice if she didn't play her instrument?’ I wondered to myself. "The conductor would," said the still voice in my spirit.”

“An orchestra is a great picture of the way the Body of Christ should operate. It is made up of different people with different gifts, all being led by the one Great Conductor, telling us when to use our gift in the right time. I am sure the lady in the back of the room who only plays a few notes must think she doesn't measure up to the great violinist who sits right up close to the conductor.”

“However, imagine if you slowly removed each member of the orchestra, one at a time. At first you may not notice any difference without a trained ear. But as you remove each member of the orchestra, you will begin to miss the powerful and melodic sound of many instruments playing together. Finally, when all but a few of the instruments are removed, you notice a big difference in the sound and the void left from key instruments.”

“Imagine if these instruments tried to go out and play songs all by themselves. Imagine if the tuba tried to play a solo. Or the oboe did the same. You get the idea.”

“Every member of the Body of Christ matters. Every job matters to God and contributes to our great Conductor's grand plan to fulfill His purposes on the earth. Your contribution matters to God and has no hierarchy of importance.”

“Play your instrument to the glory of God in unison with the other instruments God has raised up for His purposes.”  [Os Hillman, Today God is First (TGIF), on-line daily devotional, November 8, 2014].

My three oldest children were all involved in the music program at the University of Wisconsin--Eau Claire.  In the years that they were there, I attended many concerts and music recitals.  One of the things that always caught my attention was the warm-up before the concert began.  Each instrument would play a few notes all on their own at the same time as everyone else.  It was chaos and jangled on my nerves.  It wasn’t done softly or in any sense of order.  Everyone all at once!

And then quiet prevailed and the conductor walked in and picked up his baton.  The next notes I heard were those of the entire orchestra playing together under the leadership and direction of the conductor.  What a difference his presence made!  Now the music was beautiful and flowed together.  Each instrument contributed its part at just the right time.  Working together produced a beautiful sound worth listening to.

Some instruments sound beautiful if played alone.  In my opinion, other instruments sound better when played in a group.  I attended a tuba concert with my daughter once.  I like the sound of the brass section, but not as solo instrument for over an hour.  Another time, a percussion concert gave me a headache.  Alone, it was too much for me; but put them with other instruments and I think they add so much!

I also found that some music I liked and some music, while performed flawlessly, wasn’t to my liking.  My taste in classical music is rather shallow, I guess.  Some people really enjoy it and could listen to it for hours.  I was more selective in my tastes and preferred some pieces over others.  One thing I noticed is that the conductor never turned to me and asked for approval or permission.  He made his choices and then had the orchestra perform the pieces without consideration of my personal tastes.

I add these thoughts to Os’ conclusion.  I may not appreciate other people’s contribution to the work of ministry for the church and the Kingdom of God; but that doesn’t mean they aren’t pleasing to God.   I personally may not be gifted or involved in that aspect of ministry; but it doesn’t invalidate it or make it less of a contribution.  I’ve noticed that no one person plays all the instruments; each person has their own specific specialty that they focus upon.  But that is okay because as each one plays his/her instrument, the others in the orchestra add their voices to the music.  We need all sorts of different people involved in the work of ministry to create a richness and beautiful harmony as we work together under the direction of Jesus Christ.

It has been said that our Sunday morning services should be performed for an audience of one.  Some churches sing songs that I don’t really care for.  Some churches’ use a different music style or instrument mix that I don’t appreciate.  But I have to remember that it is not about pleasing me; it is about pleasing God. 

All the various parts and pieces work together to accomplish a beautiful whole when everyone is under the direction of the leadership of Jesus Christ.  So whatever part that God has called you to play, do it for His glory.  Don’t become overly concerned with the part others are playing; focus on your own piece and play it to the best of your ability.  

Thursday (11/6/2014)

Update: 

My pain in the ankle subsided overnight.  What a relief!  No more electric bolts shooting through my ankle.  I had an appointment with my podiatrist this morning to find out what was going on.

I was afraid that I had somehow damaged my ankle and I would be laid up for a while as it healed, or even worse, that I had a Charcot incident and I had major irreversible damage to my ankle.  The x-ray and exam showed that neither of those two concerns was my problem.

You’ve heard of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome where you develop severe wrist pain; well I was experiencing Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome.  The tendon that runs down the leg and behind the ankle bone was inflamed which puts pressure on the nerve that runs below it causing shooting nerve pain.  The doctor said that since I haven’t been wearing my prosthesis (while waiting for the new one to be made) all the stress of standing etc. was on my right foot (instead of being divided between two feet).  I probably overworked the tendon causing the swelling.

Yesterday I stayed at home and kept my leg up, iced, and rested it.  The pain started about 4 a.m. and lasted until about 9 p.m.  After that I would have a few minor twinges but nothing too great. 

If I have a reoccurrence, I’ll have to wear a lace-up ankle brace or get lace up boots to give my foot a bit more support.  Right now, the rest, ice, and elevation is enough.

I am so relieved to hear that it wasn’t anything major or that would take time while I was laid up to heal.  Thank you, Lord! 

Thought for the Day:

“As a child of God, I know that He is always with me, and I’m comforted to know that He understands how much we can bear.  When others share stories with me of their own challenges and trials, I’m often moved to tears.  I remind those who are suffering or grieving that God’s arm is never too short.  He can reach anyone.”

“Draw strength from that.  Dare to give it a go and to soar as high as your imagination will take you.  You can expect challenges.  Welcome them as ‘character-building experiences.’ Learn from them and rise above them.  You may have an excellent dream.  Just be open-minded enough to accept that God may have a different path for you than the one you envisioned.  There are many ways to reach your dream, so don’t be discouraged if you can’t yet see the way on your own.” [Nick Vujicic, Life Without Limits].

Since my hospitalization and amputation, I’ve been upbeat and positive.  I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been a bit down (and that usually only for a couple of hours).  Lately, I’ve been struggling emotionally more than I ever have since my amputation.  Not a lot.  But enough that I feel it.  As I think about it, I am reminded of how fickle we are emotionally.  It doesn’t take but one little change for us to go from happy to sad.  Life can be going great one minute and then one little thing changes and suddenly “it’s the worst day of my life.”  For me being back in the wheelchair for another two weeks was enough to tip my emotional balance.  I am a bow hunter and this wheelchair time happened during the peak of the rut so I couldn’t get out hunting—talk about lousy timing!  I mean, come on.  And I’m going to let that and a couple of other minor things zap my sense of emotional well-being?  On the cosmic scale, what a stupid thing to waste emotional energy on!

One of things that has proven the most difficult to accept is how many of my life-long plans and assumptions have changed and continually need to be revised.  I now have a better understanding of how an aging adult must feel about losing their driver’s license or having to move out of the home they love because it is too much for them to care.  There are some things that are permanently out of my reach now; but there are many things that I can find a way to work around or swap for something else.  Watching other guys work at the church construction work days has been very tough for me.  I want to be out there working alongside of them!  Maybe someday.  But not today; not right now. 

I know that most of the things that drain my emotional batteries of happy juice are pretty small potatoes.  But it is hard not to allow those things to consume my thoughts.  After all, these are things happening to me.  You know what the difference is between major and minor surgery?  Minor surgery happens to you.  Major surgery happens to me.  It is only natural that the stuff happening to us is a big deal; but I think we make too big of deal out of it all too often.

One contributing factor to my deflated emotional state is I’ve become much busier and I am not spending as much time doing inspirational reading.  I definitely need to do more of that.  So the downtime I had resting my leg was spent reading the good stuff.  I’m not floating as high as I normally do yet; but I am definitely on the rise.

Here’s a thought.  There are people all around you that might be going through an emotional rough patch.  Why don’t you take a moment to reach out to touch them?  Make a call.  Send a message. Offer a prayer. Stop by and say “Hello!” Do something to let them know that they are not alone in the struggle they face.  Right now single parents, older adults, or college-aged students come to mind.  But everyone can use a word of encouragement and support.  We all have bad days and difficulties.  And your life doesn’t have to be all sunshine and butterflies to be an encouragement to others.  A good way to help lift your own spirits is to help someone else. 

Be encouraged and be an encourager as well!

Wednesday Photos (11/5/2014):

Wednesday Photos (11/5/2014): 

A friend on Face Book gave me this idea.  She has been posting a daily picture of her feet in various brightly colored socks as she is relaxing with her feet up in a recliner.  I got wondering how an amputee would do this.  So here's my rather comical photo shoot of an amputee kicking back and relaxing... 

Wednesday (11/5/2014)

Update: 

I had a plaster cast made of my leg yesterday.  The prosthetist takes the cast and uses it as a mold to make a replica of my leg.  The new prosthesis is then built using that replica.  I have an appointment on Thursday (11/13) to be fitted with the new and improved test socket.  So I should leave the office that day on two legs!!!  That means another eight days in the wheelchair, which is disappointing.  But nothing can be done to speed up the process.  It takes what it takes.  So I just have to accept it and soldier on.  Since the new prosthetic leg will be closely shaped to my leg as it currently is, I should be pain-free and back in business with very minor adjustments.

Some people have asked if my old prosthesis can be donated or re-used.  Think about that for a minute.  It was created to exactly fit my leg eight months ago.  There have been enough changes in the shape of my leg that the old prosthesis was causing great pain and would have begun doing damage to my leg if I continued wearing it.  What are the odds that someone could be found that it would fit perfectly when it couldn’t be adjusted to fit the guy it was created for?  Unfortunately, there is no use for an old prosthesis that I know of.

I was told that the second prosthesis that you receive normally lasts about three to four years.  With the rate of change I am going through they are guessing that mine will last two years.  After that the rate of change in the shape/size of the leg dramatically decreases so the legs last a longer time.

In the middle of the night I woke up to nerve pain.  I am use to occasionally having phantom pain in my none-existent left leg; but this pain is in my right ankle.  I kept waking up when the lightning bolt hit and it has been very consistent and constant for the last three hours.  I checked the ankle for damage or injury and there are no external signs that anything is actually wrong.  Normally, I would just shake it off and try to ignore the pain as best I could.  However, since the troubles with my left leg started with an apparently unexplained pain which eventually led up to amputation, I am more concerned.  My doctors have been concerned about having a repeat of what happened before in my right foot.  I have Charcot disease, in which the bones are weakened and can break under normal wear and tear.  So I need to follow up with the doctors to ensure that nothing like that is happening.  When the doctor’s office opens later this morning, I’m placing a call.  If it is like the last time I called with an issue, they will have me come in today to be seen.  They really take this seriously.  And so am I.  I don’t want to jeopardize my right leg and risk losing it.  I don’t think that is what is happening; but I am not taking any chances.  It is probably just nerve pain; but better safe than sorry.

Picture: waiting in the prosthetist's office to have my cast made.

Monday (11/3/201

Update:

This morning I am getting ready to head to an appointment with my retinal specialist.  I am still receiving monthly eye injections seeking to stabilize and hopefully reverse damage done to my eyes.  Overall my vision has improved, although it is still significantly impaired in my right eye.  I’ll have a number of tests, photos, and scans run this morning, and I’m certain I’ll get an injection in my right eye.  The doctor is assuming that I’ll need another round of laser surgery.  He’ll decide after reviewing the results of the tests.  Either way, the rest of my Monday is shot.  My vision will be compromised for the rest of the day so most of it will be spent napping and listening to music.

On Tuesday afternoon, I will have a plaster cast made of my leg.  They’ll use that model to create a test socket of plastic and fiberglass.  This test socket and easily be modified as we tweak the design to give me the best fit, support, and comfort before they make a more permanent leg for me.  After the casting it takes about a week to get the test socket and I can start walking again.