Update:
It’s 4 a.m. and I’m wide awake.
It wasn’t pain that woke me up this morning. I guess it was anticipation. This afternoon I get to try a new elevated
vacuum socket for the first time. If it
works for me, then I’ll be able to get back to walking soon. If it fails, well then it is back to the
drawing board to try to come up with another solution. Obviously after being in my wheelchair
full-time for the last 12 months I am really hoping that this succeeds.
Overall, I am feeling the best I have in quite a while. My lower back and sciatic nerve pain is very
minimal. My phantom pain is only occasional
and usually not too severe. I’ve been
off of pain medications for a few months and haven’t needed to go into physical
therapy to get myself straightened out since mid-December. The amount of sleep I need daily has reduced
to a more normal level. And I’m able to
sit in my wheelchair for more extended periods of time without severe pain
(although I still end up on the floor to stretch my back out several times
during the day). I can ride in the car
for a couple of hours now with only minor pain.
I still get tired out pretty quickly but I am able to do more than I had
been able to do in the last couple of years.
So overall I’m doing great! And
as of yet, I am still unable to bear weight in my prosthesis. Although my leg has been checked out
thoroughly, the doctors cannot figure out why I have the excruciating nerve
pain when I am weight bearing in a socket.
Since they’ve determined that there aren’t any obvious physical issues,
now it is time to try some different techniques and styles of prosthetic legs
to see if something works for me.
I feel like this last year has gone on F-O-R-E-V-E-R as attempt after
attempt and test after test has been made with negative results each time. Emotionally it has been very weird the last couple
of weeks. I’ve gotten to the point where
I cannot emotionally fully invest in the process. I’m leery of being too hopeful because I
cannot handle another failure as easily.
In the past, I was confident that the next attempt would be reveal the
solution I needed and I’d be back up on my feet in no time. Each time it didn’t was an emotionally
disappointing letdown. So this time, I’ve
been more guarded. I’ve tried not to get
my hopes up too high. In my heart, I’m
already expecting a failure. What a weird way to think! “Yes, let’s try something else; but I don’t
think it will really work—but let’s try anyhow.” I’m kind of worried that I’ll
get to the point that I have no energy to keep fighting and just resign myself
to life in a wheelchair. I really am not
ready to give into that yet.
Now I’m on the verge of getting to try an elevated vacuum system and I’m
wide awake several hours before I normally wake up. I think that I’ve convinced myself at the
conscious level that I’m not too excited or hopeful that this is the answer;
and yet, I think deep down I can hardly wait to see what the results are. Early this afternoon, we’ll see which way
this swings. I’d like this to be the
solution I’ve been hoping for. That
would be awesome! But if it’s not, then
I need to get back up, dust myself off and start searching for the next
possible solution. I’m going to liken my
situation to running a marathon. There
is not only the physical battle that must be won; there is an emotional/mental
battle as well. Sometimes, it just comes
down to “Just take the next step! Now take another one. Now another.” until the
finish line comes into view. This
journey I’m on has certainly proven to be a marathon and not a sprint.
“Do you
not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you
may win.” (1 Corinthians 9:24 NASB)
