Sunday (5/24/2015)

Update:

I’ve recognized for a few weeks that my pain level has been increasing but I made a startling discovery on Friday (5/22).  Since last’s week infection and out-patient surgery (5/24), I’ve been taking it easy and letting my body heal.  On Friday I was finally feeling better and decided to get a little more active.  Instead of staying in the wheelchair as I had been doing, I decided to wear my prosthesis and walk a bit.  I quickly found out that the nerve pain at the end of my fibula has increased to the point that I cannot put any pressure on leg to stand or to walk.  Last Monday (5/18) my Rehab doctor had already made the decision that she would send me back to the surgeon for evaluation.  Most likely, I’ll have surgery to remove a neuroma (nerve ending bundle) that has formed at the end of my fibula.  With my upcoming kidney/ureter surgery scheduled for June 12^th (with 4-6 weeks recovery time), any surgery to correct the nerve issue will be later this summer.  I’m guessing that this means I will be wheelchair bound until the end of summer.

Finding out that I cannot use my prosthesis at all was a hard blow emotionally.  Over the last few months I’ve at least been able to walk a small amount.  I haven’t been as active as I would have liked to be; however not having a usable prosthesis means that I will be even more limited.  And it’s summer!  I want to ride my bicycle and my motorcycle.  I want to go for walks.  I want to mow the lawn and work in the garage.  I want my independence (at least to the level I’ve grown accustomed).  I was planning to exercise hard this summer and lose the rest of the weight I need to shed.  I wanted to resume all of my duties as a chaplain.  So this realization of being in pain and wheelchair bound has shattered my plans.

On top of my leg pain, my back and sciatica pain have increased dramatically as well.  Now I’m not able to sit without pain either.  I found that riding in the car to Eau Claire (10 miles) is painful (all the little bumps kill me).  I am rarely free of pain.  I can get the most comfortable in my recliner; but even that has its limits.  I’ve upped my pain meds but they only help soften the pain, they don’t take it away.  This certainly isn’t a fun time in my life.

Like most people, I find it mentally hard to swallow my desires and accept reality.  “I want to…”  “I wish that…”  “NOPE! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!”  How do you wrap your head around the loss of ‘normal,’ the inability to function?   One of the things that helps me is to REFRAME and REFOCUS.  “I cannot do this…but I can do that. I am limited…but I still have some options.  My body cannot do that any longer; but I can do this instead.” 

I feel limited; but I realize that this isn’t the end of the world.  I’m alive.  I’m breathing.  I’m fairly clear­-headed.  My options are more limited; but I still have options.  I cannot do everything that I would like; but I can do some things that I want. 

I choose to focus upon the positive things and not dwell upon the things that I cannot presently do.  I am hoping to regain much of my previous abilities; but it might be this fall before that can begin to happen.  Instead of panicking about how time is slipping by; I’m going to strive to squeeze all the joy that I can out of TODAY.  I choose to give thanks to God that I am alive for this day, the day He has given me.

I picture my life like this.  I imagine that I am a 12 year old boy again and my birthday is coming up.  I have desperately wanted a certain gift for my birthday.  More than anything else, I have wanted this one thing.  After the cake and candles, I am surrounded with piles of gifts.  I gleefully rip open each one thinking, “This is it!  This is what I’ve been hoping for!”  Only every time I unwrap a gift it isn’t the one I’ve been hoping for.  When all the gifts are opened I find that I did not receive the one thing that I was hoping for the most.  Now I have a choice.  I can pout and complain and be upset because I didn’t receive the thing I was looking for; OR I can be thankful for all cool gifts that I DID receive and enjoy them. 

You and I are faced with that same decision each day.  My goal is to lay aside my frustration and exasperation for not receiving what I wanted and instead be thankful and enjoy whatever I have received.  For this day and for this time, I am thankful!

Wednesday (5/20/2015)

Update:

Right now I don’t have any medical appointments scheduled for the next six days.  That is the first time that has happened to me since early April.  That’s good because I still need more time to recover from my urinary tract infection and the outpatient surgery that I had last Thursday.  I continue to feel better each day although I haven’t done much except sit around.  Maybe next week, I’ll be well enough to get out of the house occasionally.

Since having the stent emplaced in my right ureter (kidney to bladder), my abdomen has been very tender.  I found that wearing anything with a waistband puts too much pressure on me and hurts.  So my wife went to her costume shop and picked up several disciples’ robes from her Easter plays.  I’ve been wearing them around the house.  I promised my kids that I wouldn’t go out in public wearing them unless I carried a sign saying, “The End is Near!”  I think in a couple more days I’ll be wearing pants again.

On Sunday, my church held a retirement celebration for me (and I wore pants for that event).  It was great to see so many people and recall so many memories.  I wish I had been feeling better; but I was glad that I was able to attend.  That signals the close of that chapter of my life.  For the last 25 years, I’ve been a pastor.  It feels strange to not be doing that any longer.  I don’t know what the future has in store for me.  Right now I am just trying to get my medical issues under control.  After that we’ll see where God leads.

One of my good friends got me this t-shirt as a retirement gift.  I thought it was hilarious and proudly wore it to my medical appointments the next day. 

On Memorial Day, my wife will be speaking at our local Memorial Day celebration.  I hope on that day you will take time to reflect on the sacrifices that our service members and their families have made on our behalf.  In the afternoon, all of my kids will be helping moving my books and personal items out of my office at church.  The tough part will be figuring where to shoehorn them into our house.

My reconstructive surgery on my kidney/ureter will be on Friday, June 12^th.    Right now I have five other medical appointments prior to the surgery.

My rehab doctor just had me try another medicine to reduce the nerve pain in the end of my residual limb (amputated leg).  It only took me one day on the medication to realize that the side effects were not worth any potential reduction in pain.  My doctor says that it is time to refer me back to the surgeon to remove that nerve ending.  But the kidney surgery takes precedence, so I will be waiting for a while before I can have the leg surgery, heal, and then beginning the process of fitting me with a prosthesis all over again.   I’m guessing that it will be the end of August before I can expect to see the new temporary socket.  Right now I can stand the pain of walking on my current prosthesis for only a short period of time, so thankfully I am not in the wheelchair full-time. 

I put my gym membership on hold and I haven’t been exercising or riding my bicycle because they all increase my pain level and I can overdo it too easily.  For the last few weeks I’ve been housebound, so it has been tougher on me mentally.  Despite all of that, my attitude has remained good and I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I don’t understand why all of this is happening.  I really figured that after getting my prosthesis, I’d be like many amputees and return to an altered, but fairly normal, lifestyle.  That hasn’t been the case for me over the last eight months.  Things haven’t turned out as I’ve planned.  Mentally, I am ready to go and do.  Physically, I’ve been severely limited.  I’m hoping that in the next few months things will begin to turn around for me; but whatever ends up happening, I will be content.  I will fight and strive to gain back whatever I can; but when it becomes obvious that something is truly beyond me I will accept it and not let it get me down.  My attitude is the only thing that I can control.  So despite pain, setbacks, and limitations, I am going to choose to enjoy life to the fullest that I am able. 

There is no sense in letting our circumstances make us miserable.  Each one of us has the power to choose how we respond to life’s trials.  Let’s quit dwelling on the negative.  Quit nursing the pain of hurt feelings.  Let go of expectations and realize that life isn’t fair.  Forgive people who have hurt us.  Treat others as we wish to be treated.  Life may be throwing curve balls at you and every once in a while you get hit by a wild pitch.  Just because you haven’t gotten a hit and made it on base this inning, doesn’t mean that you won’t the next inning.  Don’t get mad and take your ball and go home.  Just keep swinging the bat for as long as you can.  Keep swinging the bat!

Saturday (5/16/2015)

Update:

I am making progress in recovering from Thursday’s surgery.  I don’t have much strength and can’t really accomplish anything; but my pain is diminishing.  I over did it just rolling around in my wheelchair getting food out of the refrigerator and heating in the microwave for my breakfast.  Really?  I’ll just get myself settled in to my recliner and pop some pain meds and chillax the rest of the day. 

I am thankful that I slept really well last night and (without going into the gory details) I really am doing much better. 

With the stent emplaced that runs from my right kidney to my bladder, I’ve been warned that it will be really easy to “overdo it.”  That stent will remain in until they surgically repair my kidney sometime in June.  During that surgery, they’ll put a similar stent back in the same place to act as a “cast” until my kidney and ureter heal about 4-6 weeks later.  So I am looking at two months of down time at least.  Maybe I can get active again later in July or August. 

Meanwhile I still have the sciatic pain from my bulging disks and other nerve pain that doesn’t allow me to get a good fit with my prosthesis.  I have a feeling that I won’t really make any progress in those areas until this kidney issue is settled.  So realistically it will probably be fall or early winter before I make progress on my original complaint that I had last November.   My issues have issues!  LOL!

On a positive note, all of these issues that continue to pop up have verified that I made the right decision to “retire due to medical reasons.”   My church has prepared a retirement celebration for me after worship tomorrow (5/17). I think I will be feeling well enough to attend my own celebration! I was kind of doubtful for a while.  I’ve had the honor to pastor there for the last 18 years (I’ve been a pastor for 25 years). It will be a bittersweet day.  I know it is best for the church and best for me; but it is hard to say goodbye.  This will close the book on that chapter of my life.  I don’t know how the next chapter will read yet but I’m looking forward to finding out.  Life is a great adventure!

Thought for the Day:

Here’s a prayer from an on-line daily devotional (Prime Time With God) that I get:

“Dear Father in Heaven, Thank YOU that for every hurt, every fear, every worry, every need, there is a remedy--through the power of the Resurrection, the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the care of the Almighty, everything is going to be all right. As long as you are in control of my life, everything is going to be all right. I cling to the Savior’s invitation to ‘come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light’ (Matthew 11:28-30). I praise you Father, for loving me so much that you sent your only begotten son, full of grace and truth, to take my sins upon him that I might be made righteous in your sight. Thank you for the tremendous sacrifice, for your love and mercy, for life eternal, for being all that really matters--for being my Remedy. I love you. In the name of Jesus, amen.”  (from primetimewithgod.org for 5/16/2015)

I really like the line, “As long as you are in control of my life, everything is going to be all right.”  That speaks peace to my heart and reminded me to trust Him for everything.  Right now my burden could easily overwhelm me.  But God promises to shoulder the load and do the heavy lifting when I am yoked with Him.  Whew!  I needed to be reminded about that!

In my devotional reading of the bible, I just finished Exodus 14—The Crossing of the Red Sea.  After the Tenth Plague, Pharaoh agreed to let the people of Israel go to worship God in the desert.  Instead of directing the people in a straight bee-line out of there, God had the people wander around looking lost.  This was all a part of God’s plan to incite Pharaoh one last time.  Of course the people of Israel didn’t know this.  They just knew they were trapped against the sea and Pharaoh’s army was bearing down on them.  So they cried out in fear…

Exodus 14:11-14   “They said to Moses, ‘Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!’ Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.’”

All the circumstances pointed to the fact that the people of Israel would soon be slaughtered (or at the very least be returned to captivity as slaves).  They had been crying to God for 430 years to rescue them from bondage.  When Moses appeared, he only made matters worse with the Egyptians.  For a short period, it looked like Pharaoh had let them go; but now it looks very, VERY bad for Israel.  Understandably they were not happy with the way things were turning out. “Why didn’t you just leave us alone!”

Moses told them to refocus.  “Quit looking at the Egyptians and instead look at God.  He’s going to fight for you today.  Just stand back and watch!” 

God is all powerful.  God is watching over us. God has this all planned out.  God has got everything under control.  These are words that we need to be reminded of every time we face a crisis as well.

“Thank you, God, for all that you are accomplishing in my life.  Even when things don’t appear to be going well, enable me to forget my circumstances and remember You and Your promises.  Thanks for watching over me and caring for me through every crisis, delay, and disaster that I face.  Amen!”

Thursday (5/14/2015)

Update:

The last couple of weeks have been busy with doctor’s appointments and various test on my urinary tract.  My kidneys are not emptying fluid as they should (Hydronephrosis), especially the right one.  I have a congenital blockage of the kidney/ureter junction that will require surgery to repair (Pyeloplasty). That will probably happen sometime in June.   Hey!  This is congenital!  This means that unlike most of the rest of my flaws, I really can blame this on my parents!!!  Ha! Ha!

Meanwhile I’ve developed a urinary tract infection.  The Urologist said that antibiotics alone won’t stop the infection with the kidney blockage, so I just got a call that I am scheduled for outpatient surgery this afternoon to have a stent implanted in my kidney/ureter junction.

What I find interesting is that the problem with my kidney was discovered accidentally while having a MRI done on my spine to see why I was having back and sciatic nerve pain which was discovered because I was having nerve pain in my residual limb following my amputation and my prosthesis wasn’t fitting comfortably (and still isn’t).  Whew!

I don’t see this as one big coincidence.  I see this as the hand of God revealing problems so that they can be taken care of before they become bigger.

I really wish that I would return to a more quiet and problem free life (no more medical complications); but that doesn’t look like it will be the case for the near future.  But I am really glad knowing that I’ve got a loving wife and family, good doctors, and a Mighty God all on my team.

Tuesday (5/5/2015)

Thought for the Day

Talking with friends, we all agree that some days are more stressed-filled than others.  Thinking of those who are struggling to overcome a physical ailment, it is easy to imagine how difficult some days may be.  You get your hopes up waiting for a treatment to work, and for too long afterwards you are still left waiting.  Now you wait for your next doctor’s appointment hoping that they have an idea for something else to try to relieve your suffering.  You get word that the insurance company just denied a claim for treatment or equipment that was needed.  The storm that blew through left a mess in your yard.  Prior to your illness, you would have gone outside and taken care of it yourself.  Now you are forced to call someone to do it for you.   You never know how you are going to feel in the next day or two, so you can never make plans.   Some folks face pain day after day.  Others have very little hope of things being different or of them getting better.  By themselves, none of these things seems too bad; but when you combine them with the long-term stress of recovery, they quickly become overwhelming.  The daily grind of living is hard enough to battle without having one more thing being dumped upon you. 

I used to think, “Oh, that person is out of the hospital so everything is okay now.”  Now I know better.  The stay in the hospital is just the beginning of their trials.  It’s like thinking after running one mile, “This isn’t too bad” when you have at least 25 more miles to run to complete the marathon.  Just wait!  It gets tougher as you go along. 

For a Christian, sometimes these feelings can be intensified.  “Why hasn’t God answered my prayers and stopped this?”  “Does God even care?”  “Is God even able to make a difference in my life?”  Maybe you don’t actually put these thoughts into words, but those questions linger at the back of your mind nonetheless.  We don’t understand why God would allow this to be happening in our lives or in the life of someone we love.

All of this can be such an emotional, physical, spiritual drain on our batteries.  That’s the way I felt this morning.  Everything was weighing on me a bit too heavily.  I decided that I needed to spend some time with God in prayer and in reading the bible.  I’ve been reading in the book of Exodus, so I took up where I’ve left off in Exodus chapter 6.  Moses confronts Pharaoh with God’s message to “Let my people go.”  The people of God have been in bondage for years, crying out to God for deliverance.  God sends Moses to Pharaoh, so everything is good now, right?  No.  We see that time after time, Pharaoh’s heart was hardened and he refused to release the people of Israel.  Things even got worse for God’s people instead of better.  Their lives became more difficult. 

Okay.  Why?  If God is sovereign, why didn’t His word to Pharaoh produce instantaneous results?  Why did the people continue to suffer after they cried out?  Was it because God didn’t care or because He was powerless to force the change?  NO!  It was so that the people’s freedom would be won with an indisputable show of God’s power.  God would be glorified and honored as the people are set free after demonstrating His power over and over again.

Then it struck me.  God hasn’t answered my prayers yet (and maybe hasn’t answered yours yet either) because He is setting the stage for His name to be magnifying to a greater degree.  Each difficulty that we face and every day that we struggle means that when the victory comes, it will be that much sweeter.  The more difficult the victory, the more that we will recognize that this could only have happened because of the power of God.  It won’t happen because of human wisdom or ingenuity.  It won’t be accomplished by man’s desire or effort.  All those things have been tried and we’ve exhausted all other possibilities.  Then when the answer finally comes about—we know without a shadow of doubt that God has done it.  And we praise Him more!

Every day that goes by without our prayers being answered is just God setting the stage for a greater victory.  My suffering, my discomfort, my frustration has a purpose and is a part of His plan.  Certainly, I would prefer if my life was easier and more pain-free.  But if it’s not going to be, then I want the struggle to have purpose and meaning.    That’s what the story of the Ten Plagues reminded me of.  God’s plan fulfilled in His time results in His glory.  And for this day in my life, that’s enough for me.

Friday (5/1/2015)

Update:

Lately, my life has been filled with medical appointments.  I’ve been receiving great care and often get follow-up calls from the medical staff in case I have questions or concerns.  All of my medical treatments and care are done within the Mayo Health Care System.  Yesterday, I missed a call and later listened to the voice mail that was left.  It went something like this…  “Hi! This is ‘Sue’ from the Mayo Health Care System.  Just wanted to see how you were doing and if you had any questions or concerns after your last visit with us….”  She never identified the doctor or department she was calling me for.  I just started laughing because I could think of three different departments that the call could have possibly been from; but I have no clue which one it was. 

I was reminded of the Jeff Foxworthy “You MIGHT be a redneck, if…” comedy routine.  In my case, “You MIGHT be a medical junkie, if…you get a message from ‘the doctor’s office’ and you don’t know which one it’s from.”  LOL.

Since I’ve recently retired, I’ve realized that I hardly get any phone calls anymore except from medical staff setting up an appointment or calling me with a test result.  “You MIGHT be a medical junkie, if…the phone rings and you wonder, ‘Which doctor is calling me now?’”  LOL.