Update:
I’ve
recognized for a few weeks that my pain level has been increasing but I made a
startling discovery on Friday (5/22).
Since last’s week infection and out-patient surgery (5/24), I’ve been taking
it easy and letting my body heal. On Friday
I was finally feeling better and decided to get a little more active. Instead of staying in the wheelchair as I had
been doing, I decided to wear my prosthesis and walk a bit. I quickly found out that the nerve pain at
the end of my fibula has increased to the point that I cannot put any pressure
on leg to stand or to walk. Last Monday
(5/18) my Rehab doctor had already made the decision that she would send me
back to the surgeon for evaluation. Most
likely, I’ll have surgery to remove a neuroma (nerve ending bundle) that has
formed at the end of my fibula. With my
upcoming kidney/ureter surgery scheduled for June 12th (with 4-6
weeks recovery time), any surgery to correct the nerve issue will be later this
summer. I’m guessing that this means I
will be wheelchair bound until the end of summer.
Finding out
that I cannot use my prosthesis at all was a hard blow emotionally. Over the last few months I’ve at least been
able to walk a small amount. I haven’t
been as active as I would have liked to be; however not having a usable
prosthesis means that I will be even more limited. And it’s summer! I want to ride my bicycle and my
motorcycle. I want to go for walks. I want to mow the lawn and work in the
garage. I want my independence (at least
to the level I’ve grown accustomed). I
was planning to exercise hard this summer and lose the rest of the weight I
need to shed. I wanted to resume all of
my duties as a chaplain. So this
realization of being in pain and wheelchair bound has shattered my plans.
On top of my
leg pain, my back and sciatica pain have increased dramatically as well. Now I’m not able to sit without pain either. I found that riding in the car to Eau Claire
(10 miles) is painful (all the little bumps kill me). I am rarely free of pain. I can get the most comfortable in my
recliner; but even that has its limits. I’ve
upped my pain meds but they only help soften the pain, they don’t take it
away. This certainly isn’t a fun time in
my life.
Like most
people, I find it mentally hard to swallow my desires and accept reality. “I want to…” “I wish that…” “NOPE! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!” How do you wrap your head around the loss of ‘normal,’
the inability to function? One of the
things that helps me is to REFRAME and REFOCUS.
“I cannot do this…but I can do that. I am limited…but I still have some
options. My body cannot do that any
longer; but I can do this instead.”
I feel
limited; but I realize that this isn’t the end of the world. I’m alive.
I’m breathing. I’m fairly clear-headed. My options are more limited; but I still have
options. I cannot do everything that I
would like; but I can do some things that I want.
I choose to
focus upon the positive things and not dwell upon the things that I cannot
presently do. I am hoping to regain much
of my previous abilities; but it might be this fall before that can begin to
happen. Instead of panicking about how
time is slipping by; I’m going to strive to squeeze all the joy that I can out
of TODAY. I choose to give thanks to God
that I am alive for this day, the day He has given me.
I picture my
life like this. I imagine that I am a 12
year old boy again and my birthday is coming up. I have desperately wanted a certain gift for
my birthday. More than anything else, I
have wanted this one thing. After the
cake and candles, I am surrounded with piles of gifts. I gleefully rip open each one thinking, “This
is it! This is what I’ve been hoping
for!” Only every time I unwrap a gift it
isn’t the one I’ve been hoping for. When
all the gifts are opened I find that I did not receive the one thing that I was
hoping for the most. Now I have a
choice. I can pout and complain and be
upset because I didn’t receive the thing I was looking for; OR I can be
thankful for all cool gifts that I DID receive and enjoy them.
You and I
are faced with that same decision each day.
My goal is to lay aside my frustration and exasperation for not
receiving what I wanted and instead be thankful and enjoy whatever I have
received. For this day and for this
time, I am thankful!
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