Monday (5/28/2018):

I’m heading out in the morning for Indianapolis.  I have an appointment on Wednesday with the surgeon who did my amputation revision surgery.  I believe that sores I keep getting recently are due to a poor fitting socket; but I’m having the surgeon take a look at me to insure that everything is structurally sound.  No use trying to build a better socket if there is something physically wrong with my leg.  So tomorrow I’ll be driving 500 miles so I’m ready for my appointment on Wednesday.

I’ll probably spend the weekend in St. Louis visiting my brother and his wife, before heading down to the Cincinnati area to have my socket built.  I’ll stay in Cincinnati until it’s finished and I can come home with a brand new leg.  Hopefully it will only take five days or so to get it made and dialed in so I can get back home.  I’ve found that after a week and half or so that I start getting homesick and a go stir crazy in the hotel.

Things were much easier when my surgeon and prosthetist were only 15 miles away.  But during the first year after amputation (2013) I developed extremely painful nerve issues that no one in the Mayo Health Care System could fix, so I had to travel to find someone who could.  I really didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair unless I was forced to do so.  I’m thankful that Rob Pinkston steered me to Dr. Janos Ertl.  Despite the time, energy, and expense to go see both of these men; it is well worth the price. 

So in the morning, I’ll be on the road again.  I’m hoping to come back home without limits and painful issues.  It’s that time of year when I want to be out there and active, so I need to get this leg repaired/replaced and get on with life once again.

Saturday (5/26/2018)

Update:

Yesterday slammed the end of my residual limb into the floor.  Oh my, did that hurt! I elevated and iced it for the rest of the day.  I’m thankful to report that I really don’t have any swelling, pain, or discoloration today!  Whew! I think I dodged a bullet on this one!

I was babysitting my two-year old granddaughter when she declared that she urgently had to go potty.  So we raced into the bathroom trying to avoid a mess.  I didn’t have my prosthesis on and was in my wheelchair.  Trying to get her pants down quickly, I leaned over too far while sitting on the edge of the wheelchair.  It flipped over and dumped me out right on the distal end of my amputated limb. 

Despite the pain, I got her pants down and my granddaughter successfully used the toilet. Yeah! Afterwards, I was still sitting on the floor trying to get control of my emotional response and accepting the pain.  The wheelchair was tipped over on me and also caught in the doorway.  It took a bit of effort to get untangled and get the chair back upright.  As I sat on the floor still trying to catch my breath, my granddaughter told me, “PawPaw, get up!”  I was blocking the door and obviously didn’t know what to do next—she was just helping me get out of the way so she could get out and go back to playing. Ha! Ha!

Banging the end of my leg like that gave me an instant headache and upset stomach (due to pain/ adrenaline release??).  I wasn’t able to be too attentive to my granddaughter after that so my daughter came and picked her up.  I spent the rest of the day in the recliner, icing the leg and keeping it elevated.

It is amazing to me how quickly things can go from being alright to suddenly being painful and stupid.  It just takes the smallest, momentary lapse in judgment for things to abruptly go wrong.  It is shocking how much of my confidence was destroy in that fleeting moment as well.  Usually I transfer to my wheelchair and back again without a conscience thought or concern.  After tipping over, I was paranoid and was overthinking every move I made for the rest of the day.

The other time that I took a serious fall was just a few weeks after my amputation, transferring from my recliner to the wheelchair. I forgot to check the brakes and only one was set.  As I tried to sit down, the chair rolled out from under me and I went down hard.

So I guess the lesson learned is to slow down and maintain situational awareness.  Rushing leads to pain.

I ride a motorcycle and they tell you that you have to accept a greater degree of risk riding a motorcycle than you do when driving a car.  Apparently the same is true about using a wheelchair in my case!

I’m scheduled to see my surgeon and begin the process of building a new socket next week.  My socket isn’t fitting well anymore and I’m having reoccurring sore spots develop, so it’s time for an evaluation and a rebuild.  After dumping myself out onto the floor, I was worried that swelling, bruising, or pain would delay that process for a week or maybe even a month or so.  A simple fall can be extremely damaging to an amputee. Waiting, delays, and rescheduling appointments can be so emotionally draining. Thankfully, it appears that I’m still good to go. YES!!! 

Wednesday (5/9/2018):

Thought for the Day:

I started playing Words With Friends (WWF) back in 2013.  I figured it would help keep my mind sharp and active, especially when my body wasn’t cooperating with me the way I wanted.  Late last year, I started playing with someone new.  We are fairly evenly matched and every game seems like an epic struggle from start to finish.  Even if I develop a comfortable lead, this woman finds a way to scramble back on top.  It’s never easy with her.  Every game is hard fought and every victory is hard won.  It seems to me that I barely outscore her when I win; but when she wins, it seems like it’s by a landslide.  I’d swear that she has won at least two-thirds of our games together.  But then I look at the Head to Head statistics and we have both won 18 games against each other.  Our longest winning streak against each other is each three games.  And our average scores aren’t all that far apart.  So although it doesn’t feel like it to me, I’m holding my own against her.  She’s good! And a playing with her is a great challenge.  I wonder if she feels the same way about me?

As an amputee, I’ve personally found that setbacks are part of my routine.  Right now, if I do more than 3,000 steps a day, I develop a bump on the end of my residual limb. In the past, that kind of bump turned into an open wound if I kept walking on it.  So as long as I limit myself and pay close attention to how the leg is feeling, I can keep moderately active.  As a result, I probably won’t wear my prosthesis today giving time for the bump to disappear.  I really need to have a good evaluation from my prosthetist and surgeon.  I think it’s time for a new socket or a major adjustment, something isn’t fitting correctly.  I’ve also noticed that I’m getting nerve pain again, especially on the distal end of my limb.  I’ve think that I’ve tried every combination of socks and made every adjustment possible for me to do—nothing works, so it’s time to seek professional help.

And it’s springtime!  And I want to be more active than I am!  I want to go for long walks, ride my bike, and spend the entire day on my leg, without concern.  But that just isn’t happening right now for me.  By monitoring and moderating my activity things are going okay.  But I long for more.  Having limits really messes with your brain.  Honestly, I’ve got it pretty good; but knowing what it could be, it doesn’t feel that way.

I keep on remembering what my first prosthetist told me.  “Don’t just look at the current setback.  Look at the big picture and see the forward progress that you’ve made.”  When you are in the middle of a setback, things look kind of bleak.  It’s easy to get discouraged and feel down.  Instead, look back and see how far you’ve come (despite other numerous setbacks).  That should encourage you to keep your chin up and keep moving forward as best you can.  Honestly, life isn’t as bad as it may feel at this moment.  Every day you are moving closer to your next break-through where things will look better.

It all depends upon what you are focusing upon—the setbacks and failures, or the progress and the victories.  A good outlook and attitude goes a long way towards being satisfied and feeling better about whatever you are currently going through.  And it helps you get through the current low spot that you might find yourself in.

I’ve found that in playing WWF that sometimes I may have a perfect opportunity to score big; but I just don’t have the right letter tiles to pull it off.  It feels disappointing knowing I’ve missed a golden opportunity.  Oh, well! It wasn’t meant to be.  I’ve also found that I can’t pay too much attention to the score.  If I get too far behind, I’ve discovered that I my tendency is to kind of give up and play the first word that I find, instead of struggling to find the highest scoring word that I could play.  I’m never going to win if I give up before it is game over.  And often enough I’ve played amazingly high scoring words late in the game to snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat; so I should know better than to give up. 

So keep fighting!  Keep applying yourself!  Victory may still be right around the corner if you keep moving forward.  

In WWF, I’ve found that you have to play the tiles you were dealt.  Sometimes when you have all vowels or all consonants, you can’t do much.  But if you keep playing whatever you can, eventually you get new tiles and new possibilities.  So even if the hand life has dealt you isn’t the best; play it the best you can.  If you resign the game and give up, it’s a certain loss.  Struggle through and you might still lose; but you may learn a new trick or two and that makes you a better player for the next game.

 I’ve found a lot of truth and comfort in this attitude quote from Charles Swindoll. I’ve read it hundreds of times and still find that I need to be reminded of what it says.  I don’t want life to wear me down.  I want to stand firm.  And no matter what life throws at me—I plan on staying positive and enjoying it as much as possible.

Friday (5/4/2018)

Thought for the Day: 

Why?

When disaster strikes our lives, almost universally we cry out questioning, “Why did this have to happen?”  No matter what form disaster takes, it shakes our sense of well-being, and jars our perception of how the world works.  Faced with disaster, people will question the goodness of their fellow man, the fairness of life, as well as, the power and sovereignty of God.

In the perfect world that we imagine, there would be no sickness, no crime, no war, no disease, no sorrow, no hate, no violence, no accidents, no death, no suffering, no injustice, and no heartache. But that’s not the world that we live in, is it?  Inherently it seems wrong to us so we ask, “Why is life like this? Why does this happen? This isn’t fair!” We don’t want disaster to come down to random chance; we want structure and a logical explanation of why it happened as it did.  And from a human standpoint, life often just doesn’t make sense and the answers we come up don’t quite satisfy.

At times, even people of faith begin to wonder what’s going on.  “Why did God let this happen?”  “How could a supposedly all-powerful, loving God allow this to take place?”  From my Christian faith, I firmly believe that God is all-loving, all-powerful, all-wise, and all-knowing.  I believe that He is still at work today and could intervene in any situation that He chooses.  I have to admit that I wish that He would intervene more often than He does and do things the way I think that they should be done.  But He doesn’t. And undoubtedly that is ultimately for the better.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

Although I often don’t understand, I can trust that God does.  I may not like what He does and how He chooses; but I accept that from my limited, finite human perspective, I may never understand.  All I can do is trust Him.

This is how I think about it.  My two-year old granddaughter does not like to be told, “No!”  A two-year old doesn’t understand why running into the street, touching a hot stove, or sticking a fork into an electrical outlet is bad.  Kids don’t understand why bedtimes, or eating your vegetables and limiting candy are important to your health.  A teenager may not like or understand the rules and limits that are placed upon them, so they chafe and rebel.  But a parent’s most important job is not to make their child happy.  It’s to keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into responsible, productive adults.  It’s a tough job!  And sometimes it is a thankless job!  And most of the time, the kid just doesn’t understand—no matter how hard you try to explain it.

I remember as a kid praying for sunny, blue-sky days so I could play outdoors only to be disappointed when it turned out to be dark and stormy.  If I had my way, the crops in the fields would have all shriveled up and died, farmers would have gone bankrupt, and the world gone hungry.  I’m glad that God doesn’t answer every one of my prayers.  The world would be so much more messed up!

For the most part, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t ask, “Why?” or question, “What in the world is God doing?”  I just trust that He’s looking out for me and that He has a plan.  I realize that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my happiness.  I’ll take whatever happiness I can get; but I understand that in the big picture of things that isn’t God’s ultimate goal.

“Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. You show steadfast love to thousands…”  Jeremiah 32:17-18a ESV

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.” Psalm 147:3-5 ESV

“For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NAS

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5 ESV

When things go wrong or turn ugly, I’m thankful that I have a faith that keeps me anchored in the storm.  It gives me perspective and it gives me hope for better days ahead (either now or in eternity). 

Wednesday (5/2/2018)

Thought for the Day: 

I was telling a friend that since my amputation back in 2013, with all medications I’ve taken, getting a little older, etc., I just don’t feel as sharp mentally as I used to be.  I’ve got to say that the good news is since I started out life being so very incredibly intelligent (Ha! Ha!) that I am still pretty smart, even after losing some of my mental acuity.  (Ha! Ha!)

That’s not saying that I don’t have my moments!  Like the time that I locked my keys in my truck twice on the same day.  It’s bad enough to call OnStar once to admit that you locked your keys in the vehicle; but you’ve entered a whole new level of embarrassment when you call back within a couple of hours saying that you’ve done it again!!!!  Especially after promising yourself that you’ll never do that again!

At the end of each day, I wash my silicone liner. It’s like a giant tube sock that goes against my skin when wearing my prosthesis.  It gets pretty sweaty, stinky, and slimy so it gets washed inside and out each day.  Yesterday, I was thinking about other things as I washed it and forgot to empty the water out of the inside into the sink before I started to dry it off.  Instead, I waited until it was over my lap to turn it upside down and all the water came pouring out drenching my lap and the floor.  Oh my!  All I can do is laugh at myself!

“Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” John C. Maxwell

I don’t remember much from my High School Literature class; but I do remember this quote from Lord Byron, “And if I laugh at any mortal thing, ‘tis that I may not weep.”  Yep!  It is much better to laugh at myself than to get upset and cry about it.

Having a sense of humor is very helpful as an amputee.  You’ve got to find the humor in situations that otherwise would bring you down.  I found that my short residual limb (that’s the amputated leg) often ends up in the same leg hole as my other leg when putting on my pants.  I often catch myself trying to use my left foot (it’s amputated) to push my shoe off of my right foot when I’m really tired.  I go through the motions and then wonder why my right shoe isn’t coming off until I look down and see! 

I often have bouts of insomnia due to pain or discomfort.  The other night, I was up for an hour in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep.  So at 4 a.m. I got out of bed and loaded the dishwasher.  The next day after it ran, I found one of the Tupperware containers loaded in the dishwasher with its lid still on.  The outside was sparkly clean, the inside—not so much!  Maybe I wasn’t as awake as I thought I was.  Ha! Ha!

“We cannot choose how many years we will live, but we can choose how much life those years will have. We cannot control the beauty of our face, but we can control the expression on it. We cannot control life's difficult moments but we can choose to make life less difficult. We cannot control the negative atmosphere of the world, but we can control the atmosphere of our minds. Too often we try to choose and control things we cannot. Too seldom we choose to control what we can ... our attitude.”  John C. Maxwell

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22 ESV

No matter what you face today, your attitude can make all the difference in how it affects you.  Laugh a little, shrug your shoulders, and move on with life.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Just strive to enjoy life and live it as best you can.  Stuff is going to happen; that’s just a part of life. 

I’ve come to accept that I am part goof-ball and I do silly, stupid things at times.  So what?  It’s a part of who I am.  And I like who I am.  I make me laugh!  And I bet that if you lighten up, you’ll find that your life is pretty funny too!

Tuesday (5/1/2018)

Thought for the Day:

In my area it’s been warm, dry and, windy over the last couple of days.  There was a big grass fire nearby yesterday that nine local fire departments and the DNR battled.  It’s amazing how quickly dozens of acres of grass and woodlands can be burned up.  Last report said that 80 acres and one house was destroyed.  One minute it was fine and a moment later, it was gone. 

It is the same way with our lives.  One minute we seem to have our whole life ahead of us, and in what seems like a blink of the eye, our health and vitality are gone and we are knocking on death’s door.  Let’s face it, there is no guarantee that you’ll last to a ripe old age before you die.  Our lives are transitory—comparatively short, and quickly come to an end.  The bible compares us to grass

“All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.  The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.”     Isaiah 40:6b-8 ESV

As a retired pastor, I’ve performed dozens of funeral services for both church members and for those with no church affiliation (but the family wanted some sort of service for their loved one).  As hard as death is, I found that the grieving process was substantially easier on those who had a Christian faith.

For a non-believing person, death is final.  It is a totally irrevocable separation between us and our deceased loved one.  But for a person of the Christian faith, death is just a transition from this mortal life to life eternal in the presence of God.  Christians don’t have all the details, but we believe that death isn’t the end and our separation isn’t final.  That knowledge tempers our grief.  It helps make it bearable.  It gives us hope.

I’m currently reading “Everlasting Life” by David D. Swanson.  Swanson proposes that the reason why death is so difficult for us to handle (especially untimely or sudden deaths) is that we inherently know something is wrong.  He says that when faced with death, “Our hearts cry out, ‘This can’t be right.  This cannot be what the living, loving God intended my life to be!’”  Swanson is correct.  This isn’t how God created the world to be.   God created the world and it was “good;” but death later entered this world through our own fault.

“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned” Romans 5:12 NIV

So when we see a helpless child die, a young mother suffer, a man cut down in his prime, or loved ones grieving for those who are gone—whenever we see death, it is wrong and not the way it is supposed to be.

And yet God did not leave us to face the consequences of our actions without some hope.  He gave us a means to overcome death until He finally destroys it for all time.  As believers, while we will still face physical death, there is hope because God has promised that this death isn’t final. There is a resurrection of the dead and life eternal. 1 Corinthians 15 and many others passages affirm this truth.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep (dead), that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 1Thessalonians 4:13 ESV

That hope comes through faith in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

As a Christian and retired pastor, I make no apology for what I believe.  I merely share what is on my heart and what I have come to believe as the truth, and what makes sense to me.  The subject of human suffering (including death, dying, long-term illnesses, and sudden deaths) is something that cannot be covered easily or quickly (so my short words here could never explain everything).  My prayer for all those who are grieving is that you might find some comfort and solace in the arms of the Almighty.