Thursday (6/14/2018):

Update:

Only three weeks to go until my surgery to fix some structural problems with my leg.  I’m looking forward to having it done and seeing the results.  Hopefully, the outcome will be everything that I anticipate it’ll be.

I’ve found that a lot of my life as an amputee is what I call “the time in-between.”  It’s waiting for the next appointment, the next procedure, or the next surgery.  It’s waiting to heal so I can get a new socket made, so I can get active again, so I can make forward progress.  It’s severely limiting the number of steps I take in a day, or avoiding certain activities like walking on grass because it puts more strain on my limb than walking on a sidewalk.  It’s scheduling my daily activities around the limited amount of time that I can wear my prosthesis comfortably, and figuring out how to do everything else from a wheelchair.  It’s fighting pressure sores, blisters, and vacuum sores from developing.  It’s struggling to understand what changed and why I’m having difficulties when I haven’t knowingly done anything differently.

It’s playing the mental game of not getting depressed from repeated setbacks, of staying optimistic as we try something new yet again, and of not falling into the trap of comparing myself to other amputees who seem to be doing better than I am.

It’s about accepting the reality of my situation and my limits (I don’t want any limits!!! But it’s not up to me obviously).  It’s about maintaining a joy for life, contentment with my situation, and a positive outlook for the future.  It is about finding emotional balance despite the ups and downs that I experience.

And sometimes it is all easier said than done.

I’ve got to tell you that the worship service that I attended last Sunday really helped me.  Several points of the message and the closing song were especially meaningful to me.  It brought tears to my eyes, thankful that I’m not facing this alone, and being reminded that God hasn’t deserted me.  That kind of knowledge strengthens me for the daily struggles that I face.

“Events in our lives sometimes leave us feeling at risk, whether it be in a job situation that calls us to take a stand, in the severe illness of a loved one, in an unexpected tragedy, or in the breakdown of a relationship.  Any of these can be a storm in which we doubt God’s goodness.  We may feel God has left us to fend for ourselves….God has never promised our lives would be empty of pain, disappointment, or storms.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is not teaching about a true walk with God.  What God does promise are resources to journey through the raging waters.” (Darrel Bock, The NIV Application Commentary—Luke, p.237-8)

I can’t say that I understand why all this is happening to me.  In fact, I usually try to avoid the “Why?” question: “Why is this happening to me?”  I’ve discovered that it is better for me to focus upon the “How?” question: “Since I’m in this situation, how am I going to make it through?” It’s focusing my attention on what I am able to do (and enjoying it), rather than upon what I am unable to do (and being miserable).

I had one friend ask this week, after finding out that I was facing yet another surgery, “When will all this end and your leg be better?”  My reply was that I didn’t know; except that I know it will be all better and I won’t have any more problems when God finally takes me home to heaven. Until then, I’m just living my life as best I can, even in the time in-between. 

Wednesday (6/6/2018):

Update:

I had my regular appointment with my Retinal Specialist today.  For the last four and a half years I have been receiving monthly injections in both eyes for macular degeneration.  Just recently, we were able to spread the injections out to every other month.  I also have diabetic retinopathy, as well as cataracts (one of the side effects of the eye medication is cataracts). When this began, I had great difficulty reading printed material, and I had very poor night vision, and very little color vision.  Over time my vision has vastly improved; but it has been a long, slow, costly process.   Each eye appointment costs between $3,000-$5,500 (the medication used in the injections is very expensive and the diagnostic equipment is pricey too), so I’ve spent quite an impressive amount to maintain my vision over the last four years.  I’m fortunate that my swelling isn’t near the optic nerve so my vision is currently pretty good; but my eyes have been resistive to treatment and so I’ve had these injections each month just to keep my vision stable.  The cost didn’t used to be so high but the cheaper medication wasn’t effective for me, so we’ve had to switch to the most expensive.  I am very thankful for good health insurance that has covered the cost.

After my eye exam today, my doctor said that the swelling was down so I could skip the eye injections this month; and my next appointment isn’t for another two months!  Wow!  That is the first time that has happened since we’ve began treatment!  That’s a good feeling!  Nothing like NOT getting stuck in the eyeball with a needle to make your day!  Ha!  Honestly when I first started getting these injections it really freaked me out and I had to work hard to stay calm.  Now, it’s become common place enough that it isn’t too bad.  But getting to skip is still a great feeling!

My vision isn’t perfect; but I am very grateful how well I can see and that I am able to read and safely drive.  And I’m VERY happy to skip a month or two of eye injections.  Hopefully this indicates a new trend for me that will only get better in time.

Friday (6/1/2018):

I had my appointment with my surgeon in Indianapolis on Wednesday (5/30).  I thought it would be a "rubber stamp" kind of appointment and then I would head down to the Cincinnati area to have a new socket made.  I’ve been getting sores on the same spot for the last few months and it appeared to be a matter of my current socket not fitting well.  Instead, after x-rays, my surgeon said that I needed surgery to correct the problem I've been having.  That was a shock!  It took me the rest of the day to get my head wrapped around that major change in my plans.

I just got the surgery scheduled for July 6^th in Indianapolis at Eskenazi Hospital.  I was hoping for something sooner; but I guess it is what it is.  Ever notice that just because we want something to be different, it doesn’t change reality?

After surgery, I’ll go home to recover and then have to make a return trip from Eau Claire, WI to Indianapolis, IN for a two-week post-op follow-up appointment.

After surgery, I'll be wheelchair bound for 3-4 weeks or so, until I can heal enough to go down to get a new socket made (another two week trip to Cincinnati, OH area).

So it looks like I'll be limited mobility for the next couple of months or so at least, and racking up some miles on the truck as I go back and forth.

This all reminds me of the quote, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". I think He got a good belly laugh out of this one.

I am grateful that this problem was identified prior to wasting a lot of time and energy spent by my prosthetist trying to fix a problem that couldn't be corrected with just getting a new socket.  Having a definite problem and clear solution is so preferable to a nebulous uncertainty leading to a lot of failed attempts.  I hate wasting time! I want to get on with life!

I had my original amputation in 12/2013.  Then I had an Ertl revision done in 9/2016.  Now this reconstruction surgery is planned for 7/2018.  On the x-ray, you can see that my tibia (the bone on the left) protrudes below the bridge.  Where it protrudes is right in the area that I keep developing sores on the bottom of my limb.  So the idea of this surgery will be to shorten the tibia so that it is more in line with the bridge, reducing that as a pressure point.

I appreciate your prayers. I have to admit that I’m frustrated that my summer will be once again spent with limited mobility.  Last summer, I was limited due to a heart issue that took months and months to figure out.  I want to be much more active and to be able to do all the things that I enjoy.  Sigh!  I’ll just have to set my sights on the fall and be content with what I can do for the time being.

Here’s a reminder for each one of us:  You have no idea what another person is going through, what struggles they must overcome, or the frustrations that they face.  Unless you live with a person, you probably don’t have a good understanding of what they face each day.  Most of us show our best side to the world when we are out and about; so you may never know what that other person is coping with at home or for the rest of the day.  So seek to be kind, understanding, and pleasant to everyone you encounter today.