Thursday (6/14/2018):

Update:

Only three weeks to go until my surgery to fix some structural problems with my leg.  I’m looking forward to having it done and seeing the results.  Hopefully, the outcome will be everything that I anticipate it’ll be.

I’ve found that a lot of my life as an amputee is what I call “the time in-between.”  It’s waiting for the next appointment, the next procedure, or the next surgery.  It’s waiting to heal so I can get a new socket made, so I can get active again, so I can make forward progress.  It’s severely limiting the number of steps I take in a day, or avoiding certain activities like walking on grass because it puts more strain on my limb than walking on a sidewalk.  It’s scheduling my daily activities around the limited amount of time that I can wear my prosthesis comfortably, and figuring out how to do everything else from a wheelchair.  It’s fighting pressure sores, blisters, and vacuum sores from developing.  It’s struggling to understand what changed and why I’m having difficulties when I haven’t knowingly done anything differently.

It’s playing the mental game of not getting depressed from repeated setbacks, of staying optimistic as we try something new yet again, and of not falling into the trap of comparing myself to other amputees who seem to be doing better than I am.

It’s about accepting the reality of my situation and my limits (I don’t want any limits!!! But it’s not up to me obviously).  It’s about maintaining a joy for life, contentment with my situation, and a positive outlook for the future.  It is about finding emotional balance despite the ups and downs that I experience.

And sometimes it is all easier said than done.

I’ve got to tell you that the worship service that I attended last Sunday really helped me.  Several points of the message and the closing song were especially meaningful to me.  It brought tears to my eyes, thankful that I’m not facing this alone, and being reminded that God hasn’t deserted me.  That kind of knowledge strengthens me for the daily struggles that I face.

“Events in our lives sometimes leave us feeling at risk, whether it be in a job situation that calls us to take a stand, in the severe illness of a loved one, in an unexpected tragedy, or in the breakdown of a relationship.  Any of these can be a storm in which we doubt God’s goodness.  We may feel God has left us to fend for ourselves….God has never promised our lives would be empty of pain, disappointment, or storms.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is not teaching about a true walk with God.  What God does promise are resources to journey through the raging waters.” (Darrel Bock, The NIV Application Commentary—Luke, p.237-8)

I can’t say that I understand why all this is happening to me.  In fact, I usually try to avoid the “Why?” question: “Why is this happening to me?”  I’ve discovered that it is better for me to focus upon the “How?” question: “Since I’m in this situation, how am I going to make it through?” It’s focusing my attention on what I am able to do (and enjoying it), rather than upon what I am unable to do (and being miserable).

I had one friend ask this week, after finding out that I was facing yet another surgery, “When will all this end and your leg be better?”  My reply was that I didn’t know; except that I know it will be all better and I won’t have any more problems when God finally takes me home to heaven. Until then, I’m just living my life as best I can, even in the time in-between.