Thursday (12/19/13)

Update:  

Wow! I have come a long ways in the last couple of weeks.  I’ve only made it so far this fast because of the helped that I have received.  I am so grateful to everyone who has stepped in to support me.  I am especially thankful for my lovely wife.  She has been my constant help and encourager.

I’m excited today because I get to go to lunch with a group of friends that I haven’t seen since before my hospitalization.  This will be my first trip out that isn’t medical or church related.  I haven’t done much of those either.  Emotionally I am ready and I need this.  I know that it will wipe me out and I’ll need a good nap afterwards, but this is step towards normalcy that I crave to get back to.  We’ll see if I am really physically ready for this.

Right now, everything is so very different.  I am back in my own home—but I can’t get upstairs to my old bedroom and office.  I can’t get downstairs to the fireplace and my tools.  I have a wonderful living area that is similar to the way it use to be; but it is vastly different.  It is like living in an alternate reality espoused in Sci-Fi books. 

Please pray for me as my battle switches to more mental and emotional.  I made it across the first of many physical finish lines.  Now the battle rages in my head and in my heart.  Pray for determination and confidence.  Pray for drive and a will to win.  Pray for stamina and willpower to do what has to be done.  I know that there are many hours of physical therapy ahead of me.  I want to work hard and win. 

I was reading on-line that many people struggle with the reality that what has happened to them is permanent.  Strange to say that I’ve been hit with that recently.  I don’t know what I will regain and what will remain elusive to me; but I do know that my world has changed and it will never go back to “normal” as I once knew it.  So I have to create a new “normal.”  But right now I am at that stage where there are more questions than answers.  There is so much unknown.  How long will it be until I can safely drive my truck?  Will I ever feel comfortable and safe going up or down the stairs in my house?  When will I be strong enough to get back to work?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  Nobody does at this point.  That is disquieting to my soul.  I want answers.  I want to know what I want to know--NOW.  And yet it is impossible.

Thought of the Day:  

I would encourage you to remember the caregiver in your prayers.  As I said yesterday, everybody needs a support team.  Most of everyone’s attention is always on the individual who needs care and very few notice the person on the sidelines who has enabled the individual to achieve all that he has.  But without their support, care and attention there would be no victory. 

Look at this account of the nation of Israel as they fought to take over the Promised Land.  Don’t get too caught up in details and why raising the staff worked; just accept that it did and then notice those who supported Joshua in his victory.

Exodus 17:9-13     Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."  So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill.  As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.  When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset.  So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

Joshua fought the battle.  In our history books, his name would have been in big bold letters.  He was the commanding officer who won a decisive battle.  But you notice that it was Moses on the sidelines who actually controlled whether the battle would be won.  Moses was Joshua’s caregiver.  But even the caregiver needed support.  Aaron and Hur helped Moses as he supported Joshua.  Without the support given to the caregiver, the outcome of the battle would have been vastly different.

Often times, it is the spouse who is the injured or ill person’s primary caregiver.  Without my wife’s support, I would be able to accomplish very little.  But like Moses, my wife’s arms get tired at times and she needs others to step in to support her so that she can continue her support of me.

Just a word of warning here, every person is different and you will need to find appropriate ways to support the caregiver without burdening them.  You cannot assume that because YOU would want someone to help you in this manner; that the caregiver would like that too.  Be sensitive to each person’s personality and tastes.

Some things are always appropriate: pray specifically for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the caregiver.  Pray that they would get the rest that they need and have times of refreshment to restore their souls.  Send a card with a handwritten note expressing you support of them.  If you mention a scripture verse—write it out.  When you are low on energy and time, you don’t look up unfamiliar verses and the reference is just wasted otherwise.

After that, you may have to ask the individual how you could be of support to them.  Some may want meals brought in; someone to do the shopping; someone to give them a short break from care giving; perhaps a gift card that the caregiver could use to do something special for themselves.  I have to admit that this kind of thing is a mystery to me—like me trying to figure out what to buy my mom for Christmas each year—but I am a guy and I don’t have that kind of radar equipment installed. 

I see the need to care for the caregiver with every ill or injured person I know.  Not to belittle the individual who needs care or their situation; but I have always believed that no one understands how hard it is for the caregiver while their loved one is in the hospital.  Being in the hospital at someone’s bedside is extremely hard work and very wearing.  For those discharged with a prolonged illness or injury, the care giving continues 24/7/365 ¼.   They say that Walgreen’s never closes; similarly the care giving never ceases.  The crisis that landed them in the hospital may be over; but the battle may rage for years in the apparent quietness of the home.

The caregiver needs a support team of their own to enable them to continue sustain their loved one.  Lift them up and be a support to the caregiver.

Wednesday (12/18/13)

Update:  

One of the inconveniences that I have had is the inability to get enough sleep.  I will fall asleep for a while but an hour later I pop back awake and have trouble going back to sleep.  I really struggled with this in the hospital due to side effects of the medication, but the issue still happens at home.  I suspect that one contributing factor is the leg brace that is on my amputated leg.  It is there to protect the site and to keep my leg straight.  Apparently left alone the knee joint would naturally bend and then “freeze” in a bent position.  The problem with this is I am pretty well required to sleep on my back.  My natural sleeping position is slightly curled up on my left side.  Ain’t going to happen!!!  Fortunately I have a little experience sleeping on my back because of Sunday afternoons “watching” football in my recliner.  But I keep waking up. 

In the hospital I discovered that if I put on my headphones and played my Christian worship playlist on low volume I could go to sleep.  I’ve done that a few times at home when I couldn’t sleep.  It gives my mind something to do while laying there in the dark, but I usually drift off to sleep about the fourth song if the volume is low.  Last night I tried an experiment.  I went to bed at the normal time with the music playing and I left it on all night long.  I woke up a few times, but I quickly went back to sleep.  I ended up getting six hours of sleep that way!!!  Yeah!!  That means I might only take one or two catnaps during the day!  I also thought about how that wouldn’t work if I was sleeping on my side because no matter what set I tried, the headphones/ear buds dig into the side of my head and hurt after a while.  Sleeping on my back puts no pressure on my ears.

I find it very interesting that I can sleep with music.  As a young teen, I wanted to do anything my older brother did.  One of the things he started doing was to go to sleep with the radio playing music.  I tried for a long time but I would get caught up in the music and never go to sleep.  I lost so much sleep during the summer that I tried to learn how to sleep with the radio on; it amazes me that I can do it now.

Thought for the Day:  

Support teams are so important to people with illness or injury.  In my case, while I am regaining some independence, I am incapable of unhooking the portable dishwasher; doing my own laundry; hanging up my coat; going anywhere without someone picking me up for a ride; buying my own groceries, etc.   I can go without constant supervision and support; but there are too many things that I require assistance to accomplish.  I need support.  The level of injury or illness makes a big difference on how much support is needed.  I want to give a shout out to all the spouses who work tirelessly assisting their loved one day in and day out.  I can see in my wife’s face how tiring it can be.  Then there is extended family if they live nearby.  Sometimes jobs keep family from doing as much as they would want. Then where do you turn?  I’ve got a wonderful church family that pitches in to help us.    The biggest help that they are doing this year is shoveling the snow off of the handicap ramp and the driveway for us (they are also shoveling two of the neighbor’s driveways that I normally take care of too).  I have an additional layer of support as well. The police and fire department that I am Chaplain for has come to my rescue doing special projects for me around the house.  I am deeply blessed to have so many caring people willing to help us out when we have a need.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12    Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If they fall down, they can help each other up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

My support system is multilayered.  I don’t have to put too much stress on any one aspect of it.  I can spread my requests around so that no one person gets too overworked.  But many people don’t have the relationships that I do.  Maybe all they have is their spouse.  That is a heavy burden for them to carry and it often wears them down quickly.  I would challenge you to open your eyes and actively find out from those you know with illness or injury what kind of support system they have and how much help they are getting.  Then do what you can to help them yourself or help them find the help they need.  I know that many in my congregation want to do something to show their support of me at this time.  There are too many of them for everyone to be actively helping me.  So I asked them to look around and help someone else that they knew in my honor.  And I would challenge you to do the same.  Someone nearby you might need someone to shop for them, give them a ride to the doctor, give their spouse a night off for some R&R, or help with a project around the house.  This Christmas season, why don’t you become an angel to someone by giving of your time, your talents, or your resources to help meet their needs?  

Tuesday (12/17/13)

Update:  

I’ve been enjoying visits and phone calls from friends.  I feel more “normal” and satisfied as I get back in the routine of life and am not stuck on the sidelines as a mere observer as much.  I’ve been working on setting up a workplace on my “floor”.  I have a file cabinet and a place to put things now.  By nature at the office I am a “piler and not a filer” but I crave some cleanliness in my small little kingdom.  Bit by bit I am getting more organized and that helps me feel better and less of a stranger squatting in my own environment.  I am staking out my territory and learning how to better utilize everything within reach.   Right now I have a constant shuffle of “no, I really don’t need this cluttering up my space” and “I need someone to find that on the 2^nd floor and bring it down for me.”  It is very strange not having access to my old bedroom and office upstairs, the basement with the fireplace and most of my tools in the winter, and the garage.  I don’t really know how things are left after the kids rearranged the house to set up my “suite” on the 1^st floor.  When I send someone looking for something all I can say is, “I think it used to be in this place” because I don’t know any more.  My middle son who likes to use my tools and fixes things, teased me by saying, “Hey, I don’t have to worry about how I leave dad’s tool anymore; he’ll never find out.”

So here I am learning to be content with what I have and not allowing my limits to frustrate or depress me.  I will say after almost losing my life and then having my leg amputated that I don’t fret about the little stuff too much anymore.  I have also redefined what is the “little stuff.”  There are things that use to seem so important to me that I no longer have access to and have learned to let it go.  I’m relaxed in many things, but my family can attest that I am enough like my father that I could be very anal about a number of truly inconsequential things.  I am working at not letting those things get to me.  It can be tough to shut my mouth and let it be.  But I am working at it.  I am focusing more on relationships and spending time with people.  My priorities have shifted for the better.  I am certainly not perfect in these areas, but I’ve made progress. 

So what about you?  Take some time to think about what really bothers you.  And then evaluate whether it is really worth getting all worked up about.  Don’t focus upon the mole hills until they become mountains.  Let it go.  Enjoy life more. Don’t sweat the small stuff—and in the end almost everything in life is really the small stuff. 

Thought for the Day:  

Lots of people have commented upon how optimistic and hopeful I sound despite having my leg amputated.  To me it is only logical to feel that way.  I no longer have any foot pain and the doctors are expecting  that I will regain an active and varied lifestyle with few restrictions.  It will take time and effort to achieve it; but it is possible.  I will always need a wheelchair to use when my prosthesis isn’t on; and I’ll spend time every day cleaning, maintaining the prosthesis and doing exercises, etc.  But I have a desirable future to strive towards.  From what I understand, most of my limits will be those that I choose to set upon myself.  So what is there to be down and glum about?

My friend, Mel, who will remain wheelchair bound the rest of his life, is in a different category.  His life was drastically altered this past summer.  He has regained a portion of his old life; however there are many things that he used to enjoy that he no longer will be able to do.  While changed, his life still has purpose and meaning and there is no reason to give up or despair.  He has a wife that he loves and kids and grandkids that he enjoys watching grow.  He is a valued member of our church leadership team and teaches one of our adult Sunday School classes.  He goes out with friends and enjoys life.  He spends much more time than me on “maintenance” and routine; and still he has found that life is worth living.

There is another category of difficulty in life.  There are those who have a terminal illness.  There is little hope for a better life.  Most all of their energy and hope has been drained from their lives. The most they can hope for is to survive another week or month.  They may struggle to survive until Christmas or until one of the kids graduates or gets married.  They want to witness their children’s lives as long as possible.  Time is short and the odds are not in their favor.

When I think of the struggle for hope and a positive attitude despite what I face, I realize that my category of illness is the easiest to achieve.  Mel’s takes a more focused approach and constant mental maintenance to achieve.  And what does a terminally ill person really have to hope for?  That would seem to be a nearly impossible summit to conquer to me; except for the fact of the hope that Christians have in eternal life.  The Scriptures paint a picture of a place of beauty, joyful existence, and perfect health.  God Himself will be there and we will live for eternity in His presence.  It’s called Heaven.

Every category of illness and every life filled with physical despair and hopelessness can look forward by faith to this future promised to those who believe in Jesus.  I may not have much to look forward to in this life; but I look forward to life in the next.  My pain and discomfort my last for years or decades on this earth; our life in heaven will last forever and forever.  So in comparison, this life might be tough but I can tough it out because of what life in the next will be like.

John 14:1-3   "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.  My Father's house has plenty of room; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

So what about you?  Do the struggles and difficulties you have in your life seem overwhelming and insurmountable?  I would encourage you to compare your life to others to discover that no matter what you are facing, it’s easy and inconsequential to what many others face.  And ultimately, no matter how bad this life gets—hang on to the promise of a better, longer, more pleasing life in the next.  As Jesus said, “Trust in God; trust also in Him.”

Monday (12/16/13)

Update:  

I decided to not publish an update on Sunday and to give myself a day off of writing.  Now I am back at the computer.  I got the best sleep overnight that I have had last night.  Although I could have slept in today (it’s my wife’s day off); I woke up and lay in bed until 5 a.m. and then decided to get up and get going.

I enjoyed worshiping at church on Sunday and seeing so many people. I wished I had been able to talk to everyone. I look forward to catching up with you. My children all came over for lunch and have spent Sunday afternoon with me. That allowed my wife, Karen, to get some well-deserved nap time. I played Mad Libs with the kids. Then I took a nap and then watched the second half of the Packers' win over Dallas. What a come back! Go Pack! The family is all going to watch “Psych, The Musical” Sunday night together. So it was a wonderful day.  

Don’t really have any pressing plans for Monday.  I’ve got a couple of people planning to visit and then my son, David, will spend the evening with me while my wife gets away and goes to her play practice.

At church, most of the young children were very interest in seeing me and comparing the lengths of my two legs.  Many of their families had been praying for me—so they understood something was wrong; but now they got to see me for themselves.  Most were openly curious about the missing foot. You could see the wonder on their faces.  Only a couple of kids looked uncomfortable.  I went by two little girls in the hall.  One looked uncomfortable at me.  Her companion said, “It’s OK.  He just got really sick and his foot fell off, but he’s OK now.”   I chuckled and thought, that little girl may be scared all the rest of her life at getting sick thinking body parts might start coming loose. 

I am getting stronger and healthier each day.  I noticed that my stub is not as sensitive.  The pain of changing my bandage on my stub is dramatically less than it has been.  Each day, I am accomplishing more than I did the previous day.  I still run out of energy at the end of the day and feel like I cannot do one more thing.  Often my wife steps in and helps get me to bed or I just find the strength within me to get it done.  One thing that I am learning is to manage my energy level.  If I decide to do something now, which I can accomplish, that means later my batteries will be low and I may not be able to accomplish another task.  Saturday, I went out to the church for a few minutes.  I was overjoyed to be there and I pushed myself up and down the hallways several times at high speed and suddenly my energy level was at zero.   So on Sunday morning, I asked people to push me up and down the hallway, so I could reserve my strength to accomplish what had to be done.  It is good to be independent and do what I can for myself; it is also wise to accept help or to ask for it to manage my energy levels.  Sometimes it is tough to know when to gut it out and when to admit that help would be nice.  Help isn’t always necessary at that moment; but it will end up being critical to make it through the day.

Have you ever seen anybody park in a handicap spot and then watch them seemingly without difficulty go inside the store?  I’ve often wondered, “Why do they get the good spot close to the door—they look as healthy as me?”  It just might be that they are using up their one blast of energy to get into the store and get the shopping done.  We don’t know what it cost them in energy and what they’ll give up for the rest of the day to accomplish what they did.

I don’t want to pull a Kanye West and compare myself to a pro-athlete (he compared being an entertainer as being as dangerous as being in the military or being a police officer). But in my current state of health, I put out an enormous effort just to do the simplest things.  So be courteous to others whether they are obviously impaired or maybe just a bit older than you.  You never know how much life takes out of them just to make it through the day.

Thought of the Day:

My thoughts today drift back to church yesterday.  I am thinking about worship.  It is so easy for us to think that worship is something we attend rather than something that we do personally.  I hope I can describe the difference.  Some folks get up and go to church, sit through the service, and go through the motions as required.  They get their card punched for attending, but it might have been like going to the dentist.  They just sat there and “worship” was done for them and a round them but it didn’t engage them.  On the other hand, some folks go to church and they worship.  They want to give back to God.  They actively engage in the prayers, the scripture, and the music.  When they sing, they mean the words they say; they are not just parroting the words. The service touches their hearts because they have allowed their hearts to be touched by their Creator.  The heart of worship is giving thanks to God for who He is and for what He has done for us.  I think that we often struggle because our focus is often on what else God could do for us that He hasn’t already done.  It is hard to give thanks when we concentrate on our giant “To Do List” that we have for God.  Instead we need to focus upon what He has already done and who He is.  If we zoom in on those things, well then it is easy to begin to worship.  So start looking around for evidence that God is involved in your life.  Did you pray and then it was answered?  That is a sign of God at work.  You might say that you asked for God’s help but it was your neighbor who did the work.  Who do you suppose put it on your neighbor’s heart to help you out.  Give God credit if you ask and it’s answered.  That is one way to see that God is at work in your life.  Can you think of other ways?  You only see what you are looking for.  So start looking for God’s involvement.  You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Isaiah 55:6  Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

The Spoon Theory

A Handful of Spoons:  

A friend of mine shared this with me. It specifically talks about the limitations illness places on people. It is a powerful explanation about not being able to do it all. People wonder why if you don't look sick that you cannot do everything that you want to do.

I think it also could apply to everyone of us at times. It seems like it could apply to single parents, etc. I encourage you to read the article.

Follow the link to read the article:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Testimony and Story (12/15/2013)

Video Testimony:

On Sunday, December 15, Steve was back in church for the first time since his hospitalization.  He took time to tell his story to the congregation.

Saturday (12/14/13)

Update:  

My Friday the 13^th went much smoother than the days I had a couple of weeks ago.  Yesterday, I enjoy visits from three different people.  I probably talk too much—but there are never any lulls in the conversation!  I have phantom feelings, but except for a few lightning bolts shooting down my legs—it is not painful but more like thinking my foot is hanging over the edge of the recliner and I need to move it, only to look down and see the stub is several inches shorter than the recliner.  Every day I get a bit more organized and get more accomplished before I run out of power. 

I told my wife that right now I have the life of a cat.  I get up. Eat. Go back to sleep.  Eat.  Lay around.  Take a nap.  Eat.  All the while expecting humans to care for every need and make my life blissful.  If it wasn't for how nasty the wet cat food tastes, this would be the life!  Meow!!! 

Today I am going to put some thoughts down on paper in preparation for sharing my story at church on Sunday morning.  Hopefully that will help me hit the high points and not go on for too long.  I am getting stronger every day, able to do more than I did the day before.  Usually about 9 p.m. my batteries are discharged and I need to start my bedtime routine which includes my final sets of exercise.  I still wake up at weird hours of the night.  Now if I don’t go back to sleep, I just get myself up and get some things done.  Life is good!

Thought for the Day:

I'm thinking about changes and transitions.  Most of us settle into some kind of normal routine.  It may not be normal looking to anyone else, but it works for us and for our family.  It’s comfortable.  It’s familiar.  And it can be hard to break out off without great effort.  We tend not to like change.  It’s new and different; a bit alien.   Our lives are made up of a series of habits—some good, some bad.  We string these habits together and they form our schedule.  We often don’t consciously think and choose about what we will do with our day.  It just happens.  Outside influences channel our time and energy and we go with the flow.  Not all habits are bad—but many times there are better choices that we could make.  But each of us only has 24 hours in a day.  If you fill up your day with only what is good or acceptable, you might find that you have left out the better and best choices.  So give yourself some margin; a little wiggle room in your schedule to allow you to make audibles and change the play.  We may not like change, but change can be good for us.  Because of being forced to do so, I have made some major changes in my life; perhaps you can choose to make beneficial choices before those changes are forced upon you.  You might need to make all sorts of changes in your life—your diet, your leisure activities, your job, how you parent your kids, etc.  But the most important change you should consider making is to draw closer to God and if you haven’t already, enter into a relationship with Him.  If you want to know more about how to do this, message me and we can dialogue about where you are and where you would like to be.

2 Corinthians 5:17   Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Well, I’ve eaten breakfast with my wife, did my first set of exercises, had my bandage change and got this written.  Now I think it’s time for this cat to head back to bed for a while.  Meow!