Wednesday (12/3/2014)

Update & Thought:

It is the International Day of People With Disability.  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) over one billion people, or approximately 15 percent of the world’s population, live with a disability.  In the United States, and around the world, people with disabilities face physical, social, economic and attitudinal barriers that prevent them from learning, living, working, and playing in their communities. Nearly 2 million people in the United States live with limb loss.  About 500 people a day have a limb amputated in the U.S.

Last year on this day, my left leg was amputated below the knee (LBKA).  So today is my Ampuversary.  It is an event that has drastically changed my life (and saved it as well).  Up until then, I’ve known one or two people with limb loss; but I never understood the things they go through.  I never really thought about it and didn’t know too much about it either.  That all changed for me 365 days ago. 

This morning I was talking to an amputee friend of mine at the pool after I swam for an hour.  We hadn’t seen each other for over a month and were catching up.  He’s been an amputee for a number of years.  His comment was, “I never have the same day twice.  One thing to remember, Steve, is that although you’ve faced a number of new issues in this past year—it will be that way for you the rest of your life.  By this time next year, you’ll look back and be amazed at all the new and different issues that you will dealt with having an amputation.”  It would have been terribly sobering news to hear, except the half-smile on his face reminding me that he has gotten through it and is enjoying life—and so shall I.  Perhaps someday I might be one of those amputees who you see doing extreme sports; but I’m not shooting for that.  I just want to be able to lead a fairly normal life without a lot of drama.

One of the things that I want to remind myself (and remind you as well) is that a disabled person’s life is like an iceberg.  There is only a very small tip of the iceberg that you see above the waterline; most of it remains hidden from sight.  Likewise, when you see a disabled person out and about, you are only seeing a very small percentage of their daily routine.  I used to be able to rush out of the house at a moment’s notice.  Now on good day, it takes 15 minutes if I’m already prepped to go.  If I have to start from scratch, it can take me up to 45-60 minutes to get out the door.  I usually carry a backpack because I need quick access to an array of various socks and sheaths so I can adjust the fit of my prosthesis.  I have to think about where I am going and decide if I need to bring my wheelchair along with me as a backup.  The other day I was in town and got a call to visit someone in the hospital unexpectedly.  After I got inside, I found that I had to walk across the entire campus which is quite a trek.  So I didn’t damage my leg with an imperfectly fitting prosthesis, I borrowed a wheelchair and rolled down the hallway to get to where my friend was located.  I’m just saying that it probably takes longer for a handicapped person to go somewhere and it takes a whole lot more planning to even take a trip to the grocery store.  And don’t even get me started on how my wheelchair will not fit down the aisles in the men’s clothing section!  We also often don’t know that for that simple trip to the grocery store, a disabled person might have expended all of their energy and has to go home to rest for the remainder of the day.  For some people, it might take several days to recover.

And yet despite all of this, the last year has been one of the best years of my life.  New aches, new pains, more challenges and greater opportunities to prove myself as I fight against the odds. I’ve enjoyed myself.  I’ve accomplished more.  I’ve learned a lot and experienced so many new things (although not all of them have been pleasant) that I have to say that daily living for me is an ADVENTURE.  Sometimes I wish that I could just have continued wallowing in mediocrity; but God had different plans for me.  I have no idea what the future holds for me.  I could easily injure myself and end back in the hospital.  I may never progress any farther in my recovery.  But just as easily I could remain healthy, active, and continue resuming parts of my “old life.”  Right now I am not too worried about the future.  My attention is on today and perhaps the next few days or weeks.  Life has no guarantees.  I don’t know how my life will change over the course of the next year.  All I can continue to do is to live my life and enjoy every moment that I can. 

Lastly, although I’ve received great support from my family, my church, neighbors, and my fire and police department friends, I want to thank my wife, Karen, for her support and assistance in this past year.  It started off with ten very rough days in the hospital while my life was hanging in the balance.  In the early days of recovery, I needed constant help to accomplish the simplest things.  By the grace of God, with help from my medical team, and by my hard work, I’ve made a lot of improvement. 

Over the last year, I’ve lost over 40 pounds, got my blood glucose levels under control without the use of medication, and gained a lot of strength and stamina.  I’ve been able to mow the grass, get myself in and out of the truck, load the wood rack in the basement (firewood), go on limited walks in woods (hunting), ride my bicycle and motorcycle, as well as many other daily activities that were once impossible for me to accomplish.

One year down; the rest of my life to go!

Monday (12/1/2014)

Thought for the Day:

I know so many people who are struggling through hard times: People battling illness and terminal disease; Folks who are going through difficulties at work, at home, at school, or at church; Those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a job. 

Most of the time these struggles don’t make any sense to us.  “Why would God allow this to happen to me?”  There are no easy, satisfying answers.  Platitudes don’t cut it.  The advice and consolation that most people offer is merely an excessive amount of meaningless (and sometimes painful) words. They can’t make sense of it either, and in their nervousness they feel compelled to say something (many times just quiet companionship is the best we can offer). We rarely get an “ah ha” moment where it all becomes clear and we are at peace with our struggles because we have the answer we’ve been looking for.  Even if we got the answer; I don’t know if it would be satisfying or understandable to us.  I think that for most of what happens in our lives, the best we can do is just shrug it off and keep soldiering through.  Especially as we are going through these difficult events, it seems like we waste a lot of emotional energy trying to figure out “why” when there are no answers to be found.  Instead we should focus all of our energy and effort on solving, improving, or just getting through these tough times.

Os Hillman, in his devotional this morning, told of a difficult sixty-mile trek through the wilderness he once took.  He struggled at times to reach his destination, feeling like he didn’t have enough energy to even take another step.  Yet he persevered and made it.  Having arrived, he turned back around and surveyed the terrain he had traversed.  He was overwhelmed by a sense of accomplishment and appreciation for what he had done.

“Life is very much like this. It is often lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road a bit that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale and the spiritual deposits He has made in our life as a result. When you begin to realize some of this, you sit back and breathe a sigh of relief because you know that God was in control all along. It didn't seem like it at the time, but He was.”

“Are you in the midst of a difficult journey that seems almost impossible to continue? Be assured that God is providing grace even now to equip you for that journey. There will be a time when you can say, "Wow, look at what God has done because of what I gained through that valley." Trust Him with the outcome of where you find yourself today.”  [Os Hillman, Today God Is First (TGIF) on-line devotional, 12/1/2014].

Whatever you face today…no matter whether it makes sense to you or not…even when you feel that you can’t take another step…remember these things.  Hold on to your faith and trust in God.  Believe that in His strength you can accomplish whatever it is you face.  It won’t necessarily be easy or pleasant, and most likely there will be some pain involved; but don’t stop and don’t give up.  Just focus on taking the next step in your journey.

Remember that the journey is always easier when it shared.  Having someone along for emotional, spiritual, or physical support can make such a difference.  Don’t be afraid to ask for the help that you need.  If you have a friend or family member going through a difficult time, offer to walk the trail with them, even if it is only for a short distance—you might be exactly what they needed to get through whatever they are facing today. 

Saturday (11/29/2014)

Update:

Wednesday afternoon I went hunting with my crossbow.  I put out some corn and enjoyed watching the birds for the first hour enjoy their feast.  (Baiting is legal in our area—although it is the first year I’ve ever done it).  About 45 minutes before dark, two young does came in.  I decided to let them grow another year and just watched.  A few minutes later two more does joined them.  One was a mature doe and I decided to shoot her.  But as deer hunting goes, for the next 30 minutes she was either facing me (bad shot with a bow) or covered over by the smaller deer.  I had been holding my crossbow up the entire time and was getting tired—I probably moved too much and spooked them a bit.  The mature doe that I wanted moved off about 80 yards away.  The smallest doe kept eating.  I heard a buck grunting and watched a buck chase the mature doe off out of sight.  Another buck moved into the corn, ignoring the little does.  He was at least an 8 pointer.  It was right at close of hunting and he faced me directly the entire time until it grew too dark.  I had to sit an extra 20 minutes after dark to give them time to leave so I could walk back to the truck without scaring them.  Watching the deer got my heart racing and my adrenaline flowing.  It was intense!  I had a great time!  Maybe next time I’ll get a chance to shoot.

Although we were holding our family Thanksgiving on Saturday, most of the kids were at the house for the day on Thursday.  We sorted through a bunch of old pictures.  At breakfast with my wife, I got pretty choked up during a prayer of thankfulness thinking about the events of last Thanksgiving.  Earlier in the morning, Karen and I took a ride to my hunting site to get the SD card from the trail camera and to leave a Thanksgiving feast for the woodland critters.  We stopped by to see David (son) and Nick (son-in-law) who were first in line at Best Buy after camping overnight.  We went home to the warm house full of the rest of the family.  It was a pleasant day.  By 5 p.m. all the kids went home so Karen and I watched a movie together.

On Friday morning, my daughter Ruth and I got up and shoveled the snow.  She dropped me off at the gym and then went out to do a bit of Black Friday shopping.  At noon, she picked me up and then we went grocery shopping for the family Thanksgiving.  On the way out of one of the stores I had an intense phantom pain attack.  That drained me of all my energy—even several hours later they said I look washed out.  After we got home I put my feet up and ended up going to bed early.

It’s now Saturday morning and I’m feeling energetic again today.  My daughters, Kate and Ruth, are supposed to be here all day cooking for our evening Thanksgiving gathering.  I’ve got the kitchen clean for them to destroy.  Looking forward to the family time together!

Thought for the Day:

I was telling my daughter about the constant discomfort that I have to ignore when wearing my prosthesis.  When you first get a prosthetic leg, it is really foreign and hard to forget.  As time goes on, you learn to ignore the discomfort.  It becomes normal to you but it never entirely disappears.  My daughter said that it sounds a lot like wearing high heels.  She said that they hurt and you just sort of ignore it and go on.  Wow!  I don’t know anything about high heels; but if they are like wearing a prosthesis, you ladies need to make wiser shoe choices!

Since my adjustment earlier this week, things have gone much better for me.  Overall I am in less pain and better able to go about my day.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have limits.  Walking about 300 yards in the woods doesn’t sound like much.  Working out at the gym for 90 minutes is tiring (as it should be) but doesn’t necessarily drain me.  Going into several stores (riding the motorized carts once inside) shouldn’t take that much out of me.  But currently it does.  I think that it is due to the test socket still not fitting perfectly and my leg is still sensitive from before.  Although I am no longer experiencing major pain, however, there is a moderate level of discomfort constantly.  I do alright for a while but eventually my batteries discharge and I am out of juice.  The hard part is accurately gauging when that will be so I can manage it better.  It seems to fluctuate so much that I it is hard to tell.  It doesn’t necessarily seem directly tied to my activity level—although I think that accounts for most of it.  It seems to be a cumulative effect of doing several high-energy activities.   I haven’t figured it out yet so I just push forward until I am sent to the sidelines because I am unable to play any longer.  I look forward to getting this all straightened out so that I can more fully engage in life.  Currently there are some things that I still am not doing because of the uncertainty of my ability to walk and function.  For most of the summer, I was highly functional.  Now I would say that I am moderately functional which is much better than not being functional at all!  So while I look forward to “more and better” I am “satisfied” with where I am at currently (when I compare it to “doing nothing”). 

What a weird way to live!  Daily challenges and adventures. Lots to learn and explore. Many things to conquer and some things to endure.  There is no such thing as a “routine day” for me any longer.  Every day is different and just about the time I think that I have it all down—everything changes and I start on a new learning curve all over again.  Life is exciting!  Some days I wish my life would be a bit more boring; but I am enjoying the ride and glad I am here to experience it. 

Over this last year, I’ve learned a lot.  I’ve had multiple opportunities to learn patience; I am much better at it than I used to be—still room for improvement.  I’ve learned to ignore a lot of what I use to call “pain;” now I call anything I can ignore for a while “discomfort.”  I’ve had to learn to dig deep within myself to continually face the challenge and push through difficulties and discomfort.  Finding out how to repeatedly encourage and motivate myself to keep going when I want to quit has been very important.  I’ve learned that some of the things that used to seem so very important to me was just me being nit-picky.  I’ve had to learn to moderate my emotional response at setbacks and difficulties.  Not being able to do what I want, when I want, as freely as I want, has been a hard reality to absorb.  My leg and what is going on with it that day heavily influences my day.  I’ve learned to be comfortable with my amputation--I wear shorts in public and go swimming at the pool without a leg. I don’t necessarily try to hide my amputation, in fact I realize that I sort of enjoy others noticing. Each one of us is unique and we should celebrate that uniqueness; so my amputation is a part of my uniqueness.  It has become a part of who I am.    I’ve learned to sleep on my back and to go to sleep when the house is noisy.  I know that I have much more to learn; but that is one of the joys of life—always something more to do, to learn, to conqueror. 

Whatever your day brings, I hope you will find joy in it.  Some days you have to look a bit harder to find it; but every day you take another breath gives you reason to find satisfaction (and maybe even something to celebrate and enjoy).  

Wednesday (11/26/2014)

Update:

Last year at this time I was out of it, sleeping in front of the fireplace, fever, chills, shakes--all the flu symptoms.  Early Thanksgiving morning my wife took me to the hospital for a 10-day stay.  I had a massive life-threatening infection raging in my body.  I had been constantly sick all fall.  This is when it all caught up to me and drastically changed my life.  On Dec 3, 2013, I had my left leg amputated below the knee--saving my life and giving me an opportunity for more time with my family and friends.  

Yesterday I told my wife, "Last year you spent the whole day on Thanksgiving with me doing what I wanted.  This year, I'll spend the day with you doing whatever you want" (as long as it doesn't involve a hospital).

As I think back over the past year, it has been filled with difficulties, limitations, and setbacks.  There has also been an abundance of happy surprises, blessings, reminders of God's love, times when I felt that my heart would burst with joy.  I have it so good and I have so much to be thankful for.  Hope you get a chance to stop and think about all of the blessings you've encountered in the last year.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Remember that your life doesn't have to be perfect for you to be thankful.  Look for the good you've encountered and give thanks this weekend.  Because "Only a TURKEY has nothing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving!"

Tuesday (11/25/2014)

Update:

Well it seems like we’ve finally made some progress in adjusting my new socket.  At my appointment with my prosthetist Monday morning, she radically expanded the area around the front edge at the bottom of my stump.  That means it is much more difficult for that part of my leg to hit the inside of the prosthesis.  She also added another pad along the tibia.  The end result is that I went all day wearing my prosthesis and didn’t have any pain!!! 

I really put my leg through the paces to see how well it would work.  Right after the appointment with my prosthetist, I went and worked out at the gym.  I even did some of the exercises that I have been avoiding since I’ve been in so much pain.  I went by the grocery store to pick up a few things and then drove home.  By that time, we had 2-3 inches of snow so I decided to see if I could use the snow blower.  I was able to clean the driveway without a problem.  Later Karen and I went out on some errands.

Throughout the day I had some discomfort (some of it intense) but no pain.  Pressure and discomfort I can live with—that is sort of normal life for someone with a prosthesis.  I am very thankful that I am out of pain.  Thank you, Lord!  Now that we have finally taken care of that major issue, we can start addressing some of the more minor issues concerning the fit of my socket.

I am having one problem with my left knee that I have to go see the doctor for.  Over a month ago my knee started popping.  Most times is noticeable but not really uncomfortable; occasionally it is a loud pop and is painful.  My medical team assumed it was because I was having issues with my old socket and getting a new one would solve the problem.  I’ve been out of the old socket for over a month and I still have the issue.  In fact, now my knee will pop even if I don’t have my prosthetic leg on.  So I’ve scheduled an appointment with my physiatrist (physical rehab doctor).  Unfortunately it isn’t until December 15^th.  There is a concern that I have some underlying knee damage causing this; however, it may just mean that I need some physical therapy to get my patella (knee cap) to move properly.  The stress and strain of using a prosthesis (especially an ill-fitting one) can cause some alignment issues.

I find it interesting that prior to last year’s hospitalization, I would have ignored something seemingly so minor, “I’m 57 years old.  Of course I am going to have a few aches, pains, pops and cracks.”    Now I feel almost paranoid and pay attention to every little thing that might affect my ability to walk.  That is probably a wise course of action but after being a guy for over 55 years, it is strange to suddenly pay attention to these kinds of things.  Who knows, if this keeps up I might start developing feelings and the ability to verbally express them too!  Naw!  Let’s be real; that probably won’t ever happen!

I’ve picked the graphic for my next permanent socket.  I really like how my last leg turned out and I think this graphic will make a cool looking leg too.  I’ve spent a lot of hours looking at t-shirts on-line trying to find one that I would be proud to wear for the next 1-3 years.  This is kind of like choosing a tattoo, only not quite so permanent.  I hope it turns out as well as I imagine it will!  

Saturday (1/22/2014)

Update:

I spent the day in the woods awaiting an unsuspecting deer to wander by.  That didn’t happen but it was a pleasant day that I got to spend in the pursuit of game.  I spent a little time with friends who came by to check on me throughout the day since I am limited in my mobility.  I appreciated them doing that.  I sat in the woods from 6 a.m. to 4:45 p.m. only standing to stretch a few times.  It was only about 120 steps to the truck; but I only walked in and walked out.  Even that short distance was enough with current fit of my prosthesis.

A couple of high points for me were the crows which flew by several times.  I don’t like crows in town, but I really am amazed at how far their calls carry in the woods as they soar by.  They have some very neat vocalizations that when I hear them, it brings back great memories of being in the woods.  I also enjoyed the woodpeckers that flitted by and kept tapping at the trees.  One of the bird landed on a branch about two feet away from me.  I had a great time as we eyed one another for a few minutes.

Having lost over 40 pounds in the last year, I am cold most of the time now (I think I am colder than my wife, Karen, if you can imagine that), so I was very thankful that the temperature moderated and the high was about 37 F.  I decided to wear my old hunting clothes and not buy any new ones until next year after I’ve lost all the weight that I wanted.  I had LOTS of extra room in my coat.  I’ve lost over eight inches on my waistline and I had purchased that coat large for me back then so I’d have room for extra layers.  It worked for today but might let in too much air when it’s colder.

Despite not seeing any deer, I was very thankful for the extra time that I could spend reflecting and praying in thankfulness for the year that I’ve had.  Last year at this time, I was sick with what I thought was the flu.  I didn’t hunt on opening day.  On the next day, I forced myself to go to church although I didn’t feel well.  After the Community Thanksgiving Service on Sunday evening, I was bedridden until I went to the hospital on Thanksgiving Day.  That ten day stay in the hospital was a life­­-saver and life-changer.  So I have much to be thankful for just sitting outside enjoying the day.

And as I told a friend, not getting a deer meant that I didn’t have to go wait in line to get it checked in and I didn’t have to deal with the mess of dressing and hanging the deer.  There is a bright side to everything! 

I hope to get out for the afternoon once or twice more either in the remainder of gun, black powder, or late bow season; but I’m pretty satisfied overall right now.

Feeling blessed to be alive and enjoying life!

The pictures are a selfie of me in the woods and one view from where I was sitting watching some (normally) heavily traveled deer trails.

Friday (11/21/2014)

Update & Thought:

Had a good visit with my prosthetist on Thursday morning.  We both realized that one of my main issues was with nerve pain.  So she gave me a little more room over the nerve that runs down the fibula.  Leah also recommended that if this adjustment doesn’t reduce the phantom pain that I’ve been experiencing that I should talk to my physical rehab doctor (physiatrist) about medication.  I really don’t want to go that route so I am hoping this adjustment makes major improvements.  I’ll need to wait about two weeks to give my “abused” nerves some time to respond. 

We also decided that I’m hypersensitive to the slightest touch down at the bottom of my tibia and along the front edge of the bottom of my stump.  So she stretched the socket out a little more in that area as well.  That will reduce any potential pressure in that spot to the absolute minimum. 

Hopefully these two changes will produce positive results.  I’ve got my next appointment on Monday for further evaluation and adjustments.  We are still trying to figure out the major changes and we haven’t begun the minor tweaks.  I would foresee having appointments with the prosthetist at least twice a week for the next several weeks. 

One thing that hasn’t changed over the last month is my left knee keeps popping.  Most of the time it is noticeable but not painful.  Occasionally it will really make a loud snap and is painful.  The prosthetist said that it is time to make an appointment with the physiatrist to determine what is going on.  This started with my old socket when it wasn’t fitting well and it was assumed that it would stop with my new one.  The knee is one area where my new socket is fine so it should have stopped by now.  There is concern that my patella is out of alignment or there is some other damage causing the popping.  It happens whether or not I have my prosthesis on.  I think there is a concern that if I let go, some major damage might occur in the knee and I would lose the ability to walk on it.  That won’t be good!

I did talk with the prosthetist about the wisdom of going out hunting, shoveling snow, etc. especially while we are still adjusting the leg.  She told me to keep on doing my normal activities, just to be ready to stop if the pain gets too bad.  Maintaining my normal routine will help in the evaluation process to determine when we have everything properly adjusted.  As long as I don’t abuse my leg, it will be fine.  The phrase I hear so often is, “Discomfort is fine; pain is not.”  So what happened early this week with working the leg hard and then ending up needing to take the prosthesis off and spend the rest of the day in the wheelchair is exactly what I should be doing. 

That being said, I went out to the place where I will be hunting on Saturday to look around (and to try walking in the snow out in the woods in my boots).  Although the distance I covered would have only taken me twenty minutes (back when I had two functioning legs) and it took me an hour now, I did fine.  I found quite a few tracks in the snow near where I plan to park my truck so I don’t even have far to walk.  Since the walk on Thursday went well, I plan on going hunting on Saturday.  Don’t know how long I will last and whether or not I’ll see any deer; but I’ll be out there.  Now that makes me happy!  I’ve got some work to do on how the boot fits on my prosthetic leg and figuring out what I need to take with me; but it should be a good day.  Three of my friends will be hunting in close proximity to where I will be so if I need help, some will be nearby.

I was wondering if after all my activity I would cause a return of the intense phantom pain (shopping cart repeatedly banging into my Achilles’ tendon); but it never occurred last night.  I was a little tender down at the bottom of my tibia; but even that was less than what I had experienced previously.  So my conclusion is that the adjustments made yesterday really helped.  We’ll see how it goes until my next appointment. 

Along with the reduced amount of pain is an improved amount of positive outlook.  I have a much more upbeat attitude again.  I think part of that “downer attitude” had to do with the fact that it seemed like we had tried everything and there was nothing else that could have been done.  Yet after me describing what I was feeling and my guess at what was going on, my prosthetist came up with a couple of ideas to try—and they seemed to have worked!!!  Communication is the key to making progress.  It is amazing how just a few of the right words can spur thinking in a new direction and achieve the desired results.

I’m not alone as an amputee struggling to get a good fitting prosthesis and struggling emotionally through the process.  There was a long discussion on one of the amputee sites I belong to on this very topic this morning.   Someone asked, “How do you maintain hope in the face of setbacks?”  Most responses dealt with keeping the long view in mind (don’t just look at current problems or lack of progress), keep a good sense of humor, and don’t give up—keep fighting and stretching for the goal.  Also recognize that being an amputee is just one small part of who you are—so don’t let a difficulty in this area of your life define you.  There is much more to you than the problem you face.  That’s good advice for anyone, no matter what you are going through.

Switching gears here, I am also aware of how easy it would be to lose hope and just give up instead of fighting and working towards a solution.  A solution that might be amazingly close at hand if we just don’t quit.  I wonder how many failures are a result of someone giving up just a little too soon.

And to put this all in proper perspective, I have a friend who beat cancer into remission a while back.  He just got word that the cancer is back in two new locations.  He has started radiation treatments and will soon start chemotherapy.  Please send some prayers up for him and his family as he battles cancer once again. Comparatively, I’ve got no problems worth mentioning.