Tuesday (3/31/2015)

Thought for the Day:

Sometimes in the darkness of my soul, I feel like a failure.  I haven’t done the things that I dreamed that I would.  I haven’t accomplished everything on “my list.”  I haven’t even lived up to my own expectations.  Instead of breaking the tape as I run across the finish line, I struggle to keep running.  I stumble. I fall.

Have you ever felt like that?  We usually don’t want to sit too quietly and spend too much time thinking otherwise we might go there.  Instead we fill our life with busyness, activity, and noise so we never have time to stop and think. 

Most of us will never be remembered for the grand work we have accomplished or the milestones we’ve reached.  Most of us will never walk the “Red Carpet” of fame or have our face on the cover of Time magazine.  We won’t have our picture featured on a box of Wheaties, win an Olympic medal, or be remembered in the Guinness’ Book of World Records.  Very few of us will be remembered in the next history book being published.  “Okay, class.  Who can tell me what important thing Steven Hurd did in 2015?”  Probably not going the happen!

Let’s face it, in twenty years most of us won’t be remembered except by our grandchildren.  After that, nobody will know anything about what we have done and how we have lived our daily lives. Does this mean we are failures?

Looking at the failures, flaws and limitations in our lives to determine our value or self-worth is only looking at half of the picture of who we are.  There are many positive aspects of our lives that we can easily overlook, sometimes we aren’t even aware of what we’ve accomplished.  And actually the things that should count the most are often overlooked or discounted; yet those things are the most lasting legacy that we leave behind.

Have you brought joy to someone’s life?  Have you been a role model or encouraged anyone to take a step forward outside of their comfort zone?  Have you demonstrated love, service, or commitment in tangible ways?  Are you special to at least one other person?

As I wrote that last line I thought, “What about a person who is truly all alone in the world and doesn’t have friend or family?  Is that person worthless?”  No! Because God watches over them and God Himself cares about them—so therefore, everyone is valuable. This also applies to those who are physically or mentally disabled.  Our society may think that they are of less value; but God doesn’t.  The truth is it doesn’t even matter if WE think we are worthless or of little value because God treasures us and values us as an individual; therefore we matter!

If I would enter a marathon, I wouldn’t have to be the first one across the line to feel good about myself.  If I crossed the finish line at all, I would be ecstatic.  With my current physical limitations even trying would be a victory for me, even if I never came close to completing the race.  As long as I tried and did the best I could do, I would be a winner in my own eyes.  It is the same thing with life and whatever we are facing.  It really doesn’t matter if you came in first place.  It is how you fought the battle.  Did you keep trying?  Did you give your best effort? 

There are people who avoid their High School reunions because they don’t feel like they achieved anything and are embarrassed to go back and have others evaluate and judge them.  But life isn’t a competition about who came in first and therefore everyone else is a loser.  We aren’t running the race of life against other people.  We only run the race and compete against ourselves.  No one else is able to judge us fairly.  We, ourselves, are the only person competent and capable of judging how we did. 

And there is one thing that we must remember.  The race we run isn’t over until we take our final breath.  So don’t give up.  Never give in.  If you stumble and fall along the way.  Get up, dust yourself off, and keep running the race as best you are able.  Keep running the race that is set before you.

Saturday (3/28/2015) (video)

Update:

I just posted a new video about hair in the hubs of my wheelchair.  Check it out.  Maybe I shouldn't have told you what it was about before you clicked the link.  I think you'll enjoy the video anyway.  Go ahead and try...

Saturday (3/28/2015)

Thought for the Day:

“It has been estimated that the average human being has around 50,000 thoughts per day.  That’s a lot of thoughts.  Some of these thoughts are going to be positive and productive.  Unfortunately, however, many of them are also going to be negative—angry, fearful, pessimistic, worrisome.  Indeed, the important question in terms of becoming more peaceful isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts—you are—it’s what you choose to do with the ones that you have.”

“In a practical sense, you really have only two options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts.  You can analyze your thoughts—ponder, think through, study, think some more—or you can learn to ignore them—dismiss, pay less attention to, not take so seriously…When you have a thought—any thought—that’s all it is, a thought!”

“You can give the thought significance in your mind, and you’ll convince yourself that you should be unhappy.  Or, you can recognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, and you can choose to dismiss the thought.  This doesn’t mean that your childhood wasn’t difficult—it may very well have been—but in this present moment, you have a choice of which thoughts to pay attention to.”

“You’ll find, in all cases, that if you ignore or dismiss a negative though that fills your mind, a more peaceful feeling is only a moment away.”  [Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff].

I’ve found that whatever I dwell upon tends to take on greater significance in my life.  I know there are times when we have to think through things and give it our undivided attention; but far too often we are making mountains out of molehills or we are dragging up things from our past that we cannot change.  What good is spending all day thinking about that kind of stuff going to do for us?  All it will do is drag us down. It will hold us back.  It will make us an emotional wreck. 

I am not advocating ignoring the stuff that bothers you or the hurts and the pains you have suffered.  Stuffing all down into a sack, trying to forget about it is only creating a time bomb that will someday explode.  Instead, in your heart grant forgiveness to those who have hurt you, tell God what you are feeling and thinking AND THEN MOVE ON.  Let it go.  Don’t keep poking it with a stick like a kid checking out roadkill.  Walk away from it.  Drop it.  And don’t choose to go back to it mentally. 

Sure, memories might resurface and thoughts might pop into your mind unbidden.  Okay, then choose to ignore that thought and don’t start dwelling on it.  Shake it off and fill your mind with other thoughts.  Don’t waste all your time and energy on those negative, joy-sucking kind of thoughts, UNLESS you want to send yourself into angry, frustration, anxiety and depression.  If you want to have your life filled with those things, then go right ahead and think on the garbage that sometimes enters your mind.  But if you don’t…well, then do dwell on those things.

Philippians 4:8  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

The quote, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” is usually attributed to Abraham Lincoln.  You can choose to be happy if you choose to focus upon the right things or you can be miserable if you focus upon the wrong things.  Every one of our lives is a mixture of happy and sad, good and bad.  You can find enough evidence in your own life to support either of these conclusions: “I am blessed and have a good life” or “My life is rotten and not worth living.”  Could your life be better? Have people treated you wrong?  Are there things that you wish you could change about your past?  Certainly, I would think so.  But those things aren’t the only things that have happened to you, are they? 

So why do we focus so much upon the negative?  Instead, let’s focus upon the positive and “seize a happy day.”

Thursday (3/26/2015)

Update:

I went to my appointment with my prosthetist, Leah, yesterday.  She adjusted the back of my prosthesis so I can bend my leg better and ride my bicycle without pain.  There is a constant battle between what I think of as comfort level and the ability for the prosthesis to perform as it should.  If they lower the back wall (on the calf of the leg) too far, it allows for the whole prosthesis to shift and wobble on the leg as you walk.  It can’t stay tight on the leg as it should.  Imagine going on a long hike with a pair of boots that are too big and your foot slides up and down in them.  How long would you be hiking before you developed major blisters and the hike was over?  It is the same concern with a prosthetic leg.  After that my prosthetist told me that there was nothing else that she could do for me because it has become obvious that my problem isn’t a fit issue with the prosthesis. 

With the medication level now up to full strength and the fact that I am still experiencing high levels of pain, it indicates that I have a nerve issue.  I am confident that I am headed back to surgery to have the nerve at the end of my fibula resectioned.  That means they remove the end of the nerve and bury the rest of the nerve deep in muscle tissue to protect it.  When that will happen, I don’t know.  There are always certain steps and procedures that must be followed before it happens.  Everyone knows you’re headed there, you just have to jump through the hoops (medical and insurance) before it happens.  The system is designed to prevent unnecessary procedures; but it tends to drag everything out.  I have an appointment with my doctor next week for a different issue; maybe it will be obvious enough and we will had done enough that I can move on towards the next step.  I assume that will be an evaluation by the surgeon and then an MRI and then schedule the surgery.  There might be other steps to the process before we get there.  So I am thinking at least a month or two before it happens.   After the surgery, there will be a period of healing (3-8 weeks) before I can start the process of being fitted with a prosthesis again.  Good bye, Spring and Summer!  Timing sort of stinks but it is what it is.  Who knows?  Maybe it will all happen much sooner!  One can hope!

I also met with Bob, the Orthotist measured my foot for a new shoe and scanned my foot for my new orthotic insert.  I sort of miss the old method of standing in a foam lined box to leave an impression of your foot.  It is just not as satisfying as putting your foot on a scanner bed—even if it is a 3-D scanner.  I then got to pick out some new shoes.  I chose what I would call some hiking shoes.  Definitely made for the outdoors and more casual.  I should get the new shoes and orthotics in a few weeks.

I am still experiencing pain in my “short” leg.  And I am still experiencing side effects from the medication (hard to concentrate, somnolence (falling asleep easily all of the time), dizziness, and feeling loopy).  The next few days should tell whether those side effect will diminish or not.  This afternoon, I did walk to the end of the block and back (about 300 steps); I am paying for it now because my missing foot is throbbing in pain.  Just another indicator that I have a nerve issue that needs to be addressed. 

 

Well I’ve got to say that at least I am getting my money’s worth out of my health insurance.  Ha! 

My son, Joshua, drove me to my appointment because I am still having side-effects from the medication that I am on and cannot drive.

Tuesday (3/24/2015)

Update:

I’ve really been struggling with getting used to Lyrica.  I just started taking the full dosage today.  I started with 100 mg/day a week ago and now I am up to 300 mg/day.  Throughout this time, I haven’t driven and rarely been out of the house. Much of the time, I’ve been dizzy or lightheaded, or feeling lethargic and sleepy.  It has decreased my pain level which allows me to walk some which in turn drives my pain levels through the roof.  Sort of a Catch-22 situation.  We’ll see if after a week or two anything changes.  Right now it doesn’t feel good.  I’m a bit punch drunk.  If these side effects don’t disappear; I’m getting off of the medication.  At least before I could think clearly, stay active, and enjoy life.  This isn’t worth it.  But in a few days, my brain may clear up and it will be okay. 

This process of getting used to the medication is driving me crazy.   I’m getting tired of my wife staring at me and constantly evaluating me to see if I’m okay.  Right now, I feel whacked enough that I know I’m not okay.  I am actually glad that she is watching me because I might misjudge how I am feeling and acting (ever have someone who is drunk tell you that he is able to drive home safely?).  Even though I know it is good that she is watching, I don’t like that feeling.  This evening at dinner, after taking my third dose of Lyrica, I was talking to my wife telling her a story and then stopped to think of the word I was looking for, so I asked her, “Um, what do you call people like me?  Oh yeah!  I remember!  Amputees!” No wonder she is watching right now!  Whew!

This situation caused me to laugh at myself and think back to when I was caring for my mom.  I was always listening, looking, and evaluating when I was with her.  I wonder if she knew I was watching and checking up on her.  I wonder if it bothered her if she did.  I can’t think any way that I could have changed it; but it does give me a different perspective on things.  Maybe next time I’ll be aware of that possibility and try not to be too obvious.  I’ll keep my face more neutral.  There is always a time when we may need to speak up and directly address an issue; but we need to do it grace and sensitivity.  There are some conversations that seem to be difficult no matter how much time that you’ve spent trying to find the right words.  Taking the car keys away from your dad, or telling your mom she has to move out of her home and into an assisted living facility so that she will be safe.  All that can be so unsettling to your loved one.  The loss of their freedom. The dependence upon others. The claustrophobia of being housebound.  Being forced into new surroundings.  The possible loss of friends, neighbors, and their church family because of distance.  The sad realization that you are no longer in control of your life.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment to get my current socket adjusted so that I can ride my bicycle.  Right now the back wall is too high and the back of my thigh is constantly being hit by the prosthesis as I pedal.  I also am supposed to have a mold taken for a new orthotic for my right foot and I get to pick out a new pair of shoes.  Last year I chose a pair of New Balance black walking shoes so I could wear them for everything.  And since they are prescription shoes with an orthotic, I HAD to wear them for everything.  I plan on getting something different this time.  There is still a bit of life left in these shoes so I’ll keep them and can switch shoes back and forth when I want to do so.  WOW! That will be nice!  One of the hardest thing to wrap my brain around was that I would have only one pair of shoes that I would wear all the time.  Ha!  Deciding to have my leg amputated wasn’t too mentally challenging for me but for some reason only having one pair of shoes really loomed large in my mind.  Because of several medical factors, I cannot just go to the shoe story and grab a pair to wear.  Mine are special shoes designed to wear with an orthotic insert.  I guess I could have purchased a second pair that would be interchangeable with my prosthesis and my orthotic; but I think it would have been about $250 for the shoes.  I didn’t think that I needed a second set of shoes that badly.  I’ve been thinking that I pick some sort of ½ boot or something like a hiking shoe that will work well outdoors.  We’ll see what options that I have and what I choose.  The other day I went to a shoe story with my son, Joshua, while he picked out some shoes.  I just looked around in awe at all the choices.  I remember as a teenager how I hated trying to buy shoes.  I never could figure out the right size.  What felt good in the store never felt right the next day.  Too tight.  Too large.  Just not correct.  As I watched my son try on shoes, I smiled when I realized that is no longer a problem for me.  Now I have professionals measure my foot and get me the perfect size.  By the way, when orthotist measured my foot, I found out that I had been buying my shoes a ½ size too small all of my life.

Sunday (3/22/2015)

Update: 

On Saturday, my oldest daughter, Kate, came over and we spent the afternoon cooking together. Here's photos of our yummy bagels and one of the chicken pot pies we made. These items were made with bean flour instead of the normal wheat flour.  Regular grains raise my blood sugar up so I don’t eat bread, noodles, etc. unless they are made from bean flour.  I don’t get the rise in blood sugar from them and I get a tasty serving of beans as well.  My last A1c has dropped to 5.2 (well within the normal, healthy range) without any insulin or other medication so I know the changes to my diet are working.  After all this cooking, I grilled steaks and burgers for dinner.  Kate stayed for dinner with Karen and me, then afterwards we all watched a movie together.  It was a chick flick called Belle and I really enjoyed the movie!  I was surprised and so I told the girls, “My pain medication (Lyrica) must really have kicked in because I really liked that movie.”  Ha!  I really enjoyed the time with Kate and was glad we got to spend the day together.

On Saturday, I had some of the worst pain I’ve ever had.  I had increased my dosage of Lyrica that morning (per doctor’s orders) and I thought this will be a pain-free day. NOT!  The increase in Lyrica made me a bit fuzzy and woozy, not as bad as when I first started taking it; but I wasn’t clear headed by any means.  At one point I had been resting in my wheelchair.  After a break, I decided to stand up.  If I put any pressure on my prosthesis, my nerves told my brain that my ankle was broken.  It was the most excruciating phantom pain I’ve ever had!  WOW!  I couldn’t force myself to stand up because it hurt so badly.  After about ten minutes, the pain eased up and I was able to stand again.

Last night (Saturday) at 9:30 p.m. I wrote on Facebook, “I've been in nearly constant pain all evening. I'm hoping to get some sleep now. I'm not certain if I can with the phantom pain so strong right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer and then listen to worship music as I try to drift to sleep. We'll see and whatever I get, I get.”

At 5:30 a.m. this morning (Sunday) I wrote Facebook, “God is so good. I fell sleep almost immediately and slept until 5:30 a.m. it was some of the best sleep I've had in a while. There may have been pain overnight but I didn't feel it. I woke up to pain and couldn't get back to sleep but I'm so thankful for the rest I received.”

I am thankful for this wonderful reminder that God is listening and that He cares.  He doesn’t always choose to answer my prayers; but I am grateful that He did this time.   It is very encouraging to be reminded of God’s faithful presence in our lives.  I hope that you experience the powerful presence of God in a very personal way this day.  God bless you!

Friday (3/20/2015)

Update:

Despite being a bit lightheaded, I had to get out of the house on Thursday.  I didn’t feel safe driving so my son, Joshua, came and got me.  We did some shopping together (Kohls for me & DSW for him) and then he dropped me off at the gym.  I had some dizzy spells; but I enjoyed the time out.  I walked on the prosthesis instead of riding my wheelchair.  That is the most I’ve walked in a couple of months.  The medication (Lyrica and Lidocaine patch) is obviously working because I could walk that much; but it wasn’t pain-free.  I had quite a bit of phantom pain after I got home.  Last night was the first time I’ve been kept awake from phantom pain.  I couldn’t sleep for about 3½ hours due to pain. 

My dizziness (a side effect of Lyrica) is decreasing.  In fact today all I have is a headache.  So I am hoping that in the next day or two that is gone and I can increase my dosage of Lyrica.  If I get rid of the side effects, this pain medication seems to be taking me in the right direction.  Although after doing more reading on the topic, I think that eventually I will be headed to surgery to resection the nerve that is giving me fits.  Basically that means that I have a nerve ending that is too close to the surface and gets stimulated too much.  Imagine a parent of a persistent child who is always pestering his mom or dad for something.  Eventually the parent get cranky and snaps angrily at the child.  That is my nerve—it’s cranky and angry.  These things can develop into a ball-like mass.  So the surgeon cuts the ball off and then buries the end of the nerve deep into muscle tissue where it won’t be stimulated as much.  Hopefully that takes care of the problem; although sometimes the surgery just makes things worse.  Consequently, they don’t rush to surgery.  That’s why we are trying the medication and the Lidocaine patch over the nerve.

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had intense phantom pain that felt like the toes of my missing left foot were being brutally crushed over and over.  In my drowsy state I thought to myself, “If I hold them, maybe the pain will go away.”  So I reached down to grab them and only came up with air.  LOL.  That woke me up.  Of course I started laughing at myself!  I shared this story with some amputee friends and several mentioned they have had a similar experience.

A couple of days ago, I experienced a phantom pain that I had never had before.  The entire bottom of my missing foot was in pain but it also felt like everything was squishy.  I struggled to figure out how to explain it to my wife.  I finally determined that it felt like someone had filled my shoe with extremely hot oatmeal and I was walking in it.  Obviously it was runny oatmeal because it was all squishy between my toes.  I hate runny oatmeal!!!  When I told my wife, her reply to me was something like, “You are a strange man.”  Yes I am!  As one of my amputee friends told me, “People just can’t understand how weird phantom pain is until they experience it.”  I’m hoping you never have to.