Tuesday (9/30/2014)

Update:

I had two medical appointments already this week.  On Monday I had a podiatrist appointment for the doctor to check the sore that had developed on my good foot.  He said everything looked good and it was healing well.  The difficult part of the whole deal is that no one can say why I got the sore where I did.  Seems like a strange place for one to develop.  I felt a little guilty for going in when the wound looked fine; but I confessed to him that I was uneasy about not having him check my foot.  I have an increased probability of having my second leg amputated and I want to do everything I can to prevent that.  So any little wound that I would have ignored before, now gets close care and scrutiny. 

My second appointment on Tuesday was to see my prosthetist.  I’ve had trouble getting my prosthesis on in the morning.  It has tended to remain painful for an hour or two after donning the leg.  The bottom edge of my tibia has been painfully tender.  There will always be discomfort wearing the prosthesis but there shouldn’t be pain.  Sometimes the line between these two—pain or discomfort—is a bit blurry.  So it is good to have a great medical team to help me—especially in this first year or two as I learn what I need to know.  They felt that my leg is swelling some during the night (fairly common) so I was given a tighter shrinker sock to wear at night.  My old one is probably worn out.  I am also supposed to be more mindful about adding additional socks during the day as my stump shrinks.  This is a bit more difficult for me to discern at times.  But I’m learning! 

On Friday (10/4), I have an appointment with my retina specialist.  I’ll have a number of scans and photos of my eye taken at this appointment, including a florescent dye test.  A dye is injected into my blood stream and then photos are taken of my eye as the dye flows through the blood vessels in my eye.  What is really interesting is that for a time after the test is done, I see everything in red.  All the lights and everything is red.  I need some sound track from Star Trek as the captain yells, “Red Alert!”  Also for the rest of the day, my urine is a very bright florescent color.  I was told that it even glows in the dark under a black light.  I’ll have to get a bulb and try that this time.  Hey!  Might as well have fun if they are going to do weird things to your eyes!

Thought for the Day (9/30/2014):

“Life isn’t easy and it isn’t fair.  I’ve had unfair things happen to me.  I bet you have, too.  I’ve made mistakes, made a fool out of myself, hurt people I’ve loved, and experienced crushing disappointments.  I bet you have, too.  We cannot avoid life’s difficulties.  We shouldn’t even try.  Why?  Because people who succeed in life don’t try to escape pain, loss, or unfairness.  They just learn to face those things, accept them, and move ahead in the face of them.  That’s my goal.  It should also be yours.” [John Maxwell, Sometimes You Win and Sometimes You Learn].

It is a difficult truth to face: life can be very difficult.  In our society the dream is that our lives would be one continuous victory celebration.  No harm would come to us.  No disaster would touch us.  Everything that we wish for should be easy to accomplish.  Everything should go exactly as we hoped and planned—unless somehow it got even better than we could even imagine.  But here’s the reality check: Life is hard and unpleasant at times for every one of us.  No one escapes hard times.  Depending upon their economic status, the problems might change; but no one gets off scot free.  We all have times in our lives when we have to “pay our dues,” so to speak.

I praise God that while this is true; yet it is also true that our entire lives are not consumed with heartache and suffering.  Besides tears there is also laughter.  We have periods of health as well as illness.  We encounter new life and hope besides death and a lack of a future.  Not only do we have stormy, dark days; we have bright, sunny days too.

Now I admit that it seems that some people’s lives appear to be devoid of all problems while others seem to have more of their fair share of pain and suffering.  Remember that just because you don’t see someone else’s pain; it doesn’t mean that they don’t have any.  And to be honest, no matter how harsh our life seems, we still encounter moments of sunshine as well.

Maxwell reminds us that since all of us will go through these harsh times, we might as well learn something from them.  First of all we need to expect that things will go wrong at some point.  Just like it is important to tuck a little money away to handle unexpected financial needs, so we should also be prepared for “the bad day” that just might show up tomorrow.  It shouldn’t shock us when things go wrong.  We should just shrug, acknowledge that this is just a fact of life, and move on.  Secondly, we shouldn’t focus all of our attention of what went wrong.  It is easy to dwell on the negative aspects and nurse our wounds over the injustice that live just dished out.  If your attitude sours, it only makes you more miserable (and those around you); it doesn’t change your situation or make it any better.  So don’t rehearse every miserable event; adopt a more neutral attitude.  Acknowledge the hurt but then “pull up your big boy pants” and move on past it.  Next, take time to evaluate whether there is anything you can do to negate the effects of the event or how you might be able to avoid a repeat performance.  Some things you cannot control, so you might involuntarily have to go through difficult experiences more than once.  But there are a number of things that happen to us that we have some control over.  Figure out which is what and make those changes! 

 

You cannot necessarily control what happens to you; but you do get to choose what happens in you.  So what are you going to do?  How will you react when trouble comes your way?  If life hands you lemons, what are you going to do?

Friday (9/26/2014)

Thought for the Day:

I was talking with someone the other day about the pain and suffering their spouse is enduring.  The natural response is for us to cry out to God, “Why are you allowing this?  Why don’t you stop this pain?”  It is hard to watch a loved one suffer; and there are no easy answers to our distress.  I do like what I read this morning…

“God is accomplishing this not in spite of suffering, agony, and loss but through it—it is through the suffering of God that the suffering of mankind will eventually be overcome and undone.  While it is impossible not to wonder whether God could have done all this some other way—without allowing all the misery and grief—the cross assures us that, whatever the unfathomable counsels and purposes behind the course of history, they are motivated by love for us and absolute commitment to our joy and glory.”

              

“So suffering is at the very heart of the Christian faith.  It is not only the way Christ became like and redeemed us, but it is one of the main ways we become like him and experience his redemption.  And that means our suffering, despite its painfulness, is also filled with purpose and usefulness.” [Timothy Keller, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering].

It is hard not to wonder and ask God, “Why?”  We struggle with suffering and pain because by definition God could stop it and eradicate it from our daily lives.  But He does not.  It seems to us that He is silent and uncaring as He watches us suffer.       I have the feeling that it isn’t easy for Him to watch what we go through either.  The picture in my mind is when my wife and I stood helpless by when our daughter was about 18 months old and was hospitalized.  She cried out indignantly as the nurse drew her blood.  As a parent her every cry sounded like an accusation in my ears.  “Stop this pain!  Why aren’t you doing something!  Don’t just stand there!  How can you allow this to be happening to me!”   We had to stand by and watch because we knew her pain had a greater purpose.  It was accomplishing something that she needed and we couldn’t stop it without harming her.  At the time, there was no way for our daughter to understand what her suffering was accomplishing.  It was something she had to endure and it tore at our hearts to watch it happen.

Knowing that God loves us, I have to conclude that although it is unknown to me, there is a reason that God allows pain and suffering in our lives.  It is contrary to everything that I know about Him to think that God just doesn’t care enough or is impotent so that He is unable to do anything about it.  I probably could never understand the reasons; but I trust God enough to know there is nothing He can do because somehow, some way, the pain and suffering in the world has a purpose.  It isn’t much to cling to when we or a loved one goes through a fiery trial; but it is enough.

So in whatever you are facing or whatever you are enduring, recognize that God loves you and desires the best for you (and for each one of us).  Trust Him despite your lack of understanding.  The reality is that He is fully aware of how awful painful suffering is to endure.  His Son, Jesus Christ, suffered and died in a most painful manner.  He watched and stood by and did nothing because there was a higher purpose.  It doesn’t make it easier; but it helps to make it bearable.

Hang on and believe!

SUMMARY (9/25/2014)

Update:

I’ve been thinking about the events of the last couple of years, so I did a little checking.  Let me give you an overview of some of the events.

In June 2012 a couple of days after riding my ATV particularly hard, I had excruciating pain in my left foot.   For the next 18 months, I used crutches and minimized the use of my foot.  I was in constant pain whenever I walked.  It presented itself like arthritis and with my family history that is what we thought it was—so I lived with the pain and minimal use.

During the fall of 2013 I caught every cold and flu that was going around.  I would spend a week in bed, feeling better the next week and then get sick again by the third week.  During this time I had an ugly sore develop on the bottom of my left foot.  Eventually it began to heal and seemed to respond to treatment.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving 2013, I got the flu again.  I couldn’t keep warm, had the shakes, and lived in front of our woodstove trying to beat this latest bug.  On Thanksgiving morning, my wife having determined that something was very wrong, took me to the emergency room.  My white cell count was out the roof.  Doctors told my wife that if she had waited another hour to bring me in, I most likely would have died.  I was one sick puppy with an infection raging through my blood stream.

I was given all the heavy duty antibiotics by continuous IV.  Even those barely put a dent in my infection, so they began looking for the cause.  It was my left foot.  The sore that we thought was healing was on the outside; but on the inside, the infection raged on.  On November 30, 2013 I had my first surgery (debridement) to determine if the foot could be saved.  The conclusion was that the damage to my bone and tissue was too severe and eventually I would lose the foot.  The surgeon said that most people try to save the foot and usually about 18 months later they are faced with the reality of it cannot be saved and then they amputate.  I decided that I had already suffered for 18 months already with a bum foot and I didn’t need to waste another 18 months trying to save a lost cause.   I quickly elected to have the foot amputated. 

They determined that I didn’t have arthritis; instead I had Charcot disease.  It weakens the bone structure causing breaks and deformity which results in ulcerous sores and often end in amputation.   I probably had an infection from it all through the fall of 2013 and that is why I caught every cold and flu.  We also found out that I had diabetes.

I had to wait a couple of days to get stronger before I could undergo the next surgery.  On December 3, 2013 my left foot was amputated just below the calf muscle.  Surgery went well and the doctors were very optimistic that I would eventually return to a very active, healthy life. 

Since I tend to heal slowly and because of my age, my surgeon wanted me to have plenty of time to heal before being fitted for a prosthetic leg.  After 2 ½ months in a wheelchair, on February 24, 2014 I was given a shrinker sock to begin preparing my stump for fitting.  On March 3, 2014 they made a cast model of my leg in order to build my first prosthetic, called a “test socket.”

I took my first steps in my test socket on March 17, 2014!  Woot! Woot!  There has been a gigantic learning curve for being an amputee with a prosthesis.  I continue to learn new things about care and my new life each day.

I had been given exercises to do in my bed or on the floor on the day after my surgery.  Now that I could walk, I was given physical therapy and my exercise list grew exponentially. 

During the first few months and then throughout the first year or two of wearing a prosthesis, your residual limb (or stump) shrinks in size calling for adjustments and eventually a new more permeant leg.  I received my first “permanent” prosthesis on April 24, 2014.

During this time I got serious about losing weight and striving to lower my dependence upon insulin.  I finally listened to my wife’s nutritional advice and drastically changed my diet and intensified my exercise program.  So far, I’ve lost over 40 pounds.  I still have another 30 or more pounds to lose.  I gone from a 50 inch waist to a 42 inch waist and I am still losing.  I was able to maintain a healthy blood glucose level without insulin this summer.  My blood glucose levels are so good now that I am no longer considered a diabetic. 

One side effect to the undiagnosed diabetes is that my retinas have been damaged (especially the right eye).  Even after the diabetes is under control, the eyes continue to deteriorate.  I’ve been receiving monthly treatment in my eyes which slowly seems to be helping my vision.

I’ve been very fortunate to have very little pain and stay in relatively good health.  I had a 3 ½ week period this summer when I couldn’t wear my prosthesis while I let a blister heal.  That was a bummer being back in the wheelchair 24/7 again.  But even then it didn’t stop me from doing most of what I wanted to do. 

This summer I bought a bicycle that works with the range of motion of my prosthetic leg and started riding 8-10 miles per day.  Recently I joined Gold’s Gym and I am working out about three times per week.  With some accommodations, I am hunting whitetail deer with a crossbow this fall.  I am able to ride my motorcycle.  And I am so blessed to be surrounded by a wife and family who love me, as well as my church and emergency services friends who support me.  I thank God for giving me what I consider extra innings to my life (since I nearly died last Thanksgiving).  I am so blessed.

I took some time to add up my medical appoints since my amputation.  I actually might have missed a few; but I know for certain that since being discharged from the hospital in early December 2013, I have had at least SIXTY-THREE medical appointments.

By Category:

Primary Care physician—2

Surgeon follow-up—4

Physiatrist (oversees health concerning the prosthesis and its use)—6

Physical Therapy—9

Eye care—16

Podiatrist (for my remaining right foot)—4

Prosthetist (makes and adjusts my prosthetic leg and orthotics for my right foot)—22

My wife lovingly calls me her “high maintenance man.” And that’s what I truly am!  Hopefully I am the kind of man that is worth everything she has to put into our relationship!

Thought for the Day:

“Don’t let yourself…

Worry when you’re doing your best.

Hurry when success depends upon accuracy. 

Think evil of anyone until you have the facts.

Believe a thing is impossible without trying it.

Waste time on trivial matters.

Imagine that good intentions are a satisfactory excuse.

Harbor bitterness towards God or person.”

               [John Maxwell, Encouragement Changes Everything].

At times each of us needs encouragement to move forward in life.   We may have the skills and aptitude to accomplish the goal; but without encouragement, we may not even try.

Choose to be an encouragement to others. By your words and deeds seek to inspire others to try, to take a risk, to stretch their wings and attempt to fly.  Be a motivator.  Inspire others to attempt the things just outside their grasp, as well as to think and dream a little further.  Believe in others and let them know it!

I am not espousing the power of positive thinking or that everything is possible if we only believe.  I know that many things will remain out of reach and unattainable; but conversely, many things will never even be attempted if we don’t inspire others to try.

“In the sport of athletics, the four-minute mile is the act of completing the mile run in less than four minutes. It was first achieved in 1954 by Roger Bannister in 3:59.4. The "four-minute barrier" has since been broken by many male athletes, and is now the standard of all male professional middle distance runners. In the last 50 years the mile record has been lowered by almost 17 seconds.”  [Wikipedia, Four-Minute Mile].

For years prior to Bannister breaking the four-minute barrier, it was considered an impossible feat.  Bannister utilized fellow runners as pacesetters to accomplish his record run.  They became his encouragers enabling him to exceed his own best time and to succeed where others had failed.  No runner before him had ever run so fast.  Bannister’s record lasted a mere 46 days before someone else bested his time.  Once he achieved what was thought impossible, suddenly many others accomplished it as well.

This is why stories of heroism or gaining victory against insurmountable odds are so powerful.  They encourage us to try to live up to other’s examples.  Even the act of watching someone struggle (regardless of whether they succeed) has a powerful effect on the actions of others. 

Although I am not the fittest man, nor all that strong; I have had a number of people come up to me at the gym and tell me that I am an inspiration to them.  Really?  The people who have said that to me are obviously stronger and in better shape.  They lift weights that are impossible for me to budge.  What inspires them as they watch a 57 year old, out-of-shape amputee?  I think it is because they see me struggling against the odds.  If I put so much effort into to trying despite my current situation, well then they can try harder too.  In the process of me trying to better myself, I am an encouragement to others trying to do the same.  Cool!  As I watch other people exercise, it encourages me to try and work towards the goal of someday doing something similar.

Wherever we go and whatever we do should be attempted with such an attitude that others are inspired.  Don’t be satisfied with the status quo or good enough.  Strive to do your best and seek to help bring out the best in others as well. 

My wife directs choirs and directs plays.  Her goal is to coax the best performance out of each actor, musician, or singer.  It really is amazing to see the results of normal, everyday people encouraged to do their best. 

How necessary is a coach to a football team?  Would the quality of play be as good without them on the sidelines and on the practice field? 

A good teacher reaches her students and draws the very best work from them.   

The best parents help their children envision things that are currently impossible but are worthwhile goals.  How many of us would be able to ride a bicycle today unless our parents had encouraged us?

Look around today at those who encourage you.  Look around today for those whom you can encourage as well.

Wednesday (9/24/2014)

Thought for the Day (9/24/2014):

“We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes.  It is a matter of personal choice.  Who we are today is the result of the choices we made yesterday.  Tomorrow we will become what we choose today.  To change means to choose to change.  Please follow carefully the course that you chart for your change of attitude.  Down the road you’ll be glad you did.  Only you can determine to take the first steps that must be taken, but they are also the most important.  Without taking these, it will be impossible to take the others.”  [John Maxwell, How High Will You Climb?]

By birth and by nurture our attitude is initially formed; but we can choose to change our attitude if we want to do so.  All the time I see people who have a negative, pessimistic outlook on life; and I see what it has done to them and to those around them.  It isn’t pretty! 

I made up my mind when I had my amputation surgery that I would not allow a negative attitude to control me.  I didn’t want to be someone who people don’t want to be around because of my attitude.  I decided to have a good, positive outlook and a cheerful attitude.  That along with my stubborn streak has worked well for me.  When I realized all the obstacles I would face with my amputation, I knew that I didn’t need to be dragging any additional baggage filled with negativity along with me.

I’m not 100% perfect with my attitude; but I’ve done a good job choosing to remain positive despite the setbacks, obstacles, and disasters that I’ve encountered so far.  I am certain that something that I will face in the future will challenge my attitude decision to the core; but until then, I will choose to maintain a positive outlook and attitude.  I’ve had to give up some of my perfectionistic tendencies and decide to focus on the kernel of good instead of focusing on the bad at times; but it has worked for me.  My life is definitely more complicated now than it once was, but with practice, I can find the sunshine in a mostly cloudy sky.  Here’s the funny thing.  I am actually happier and more content than I have been in a long time.  Choosing to change my attitude has really done just that.  Go figure.

So if you don’t like your attitude—change it.  Your attitude isn’t set by circumstances.  It is based upon how you view and choose to process those circumstances.  Your attitude doesn’t have to control you—you can control it.  For all those grumpy people who say they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I have a piece of advice.  Get back into your bed and roll over and climb out on the right side of the bed.  Nobody is enjoying your attitude and it only makes it worse for yourself as well.

A biblical principle is that “we reap what we sow.” If you plant wheat, you don’t expect to get anything else but wheat at harvest time.  Therefore instead of sowing negative, dark thoughts and attitudes, choose to plant something that you want to see grow in your life.  It can be difficult at first, but the choice really is yours!

Tuesday (9/23/2014)

Update:

A number of people have asked how the sore on my ankle is doing.  It is healing quite well.  The redness is gone; just a small scab remains.  I caught it early enough so it wasn’t too bad.  It is always more about the fear of where it could have gone so it must be taken very seriously.  With good reason I am paranoid about any wounds to my legs (my doctors have pounded that song into my head).  Yesterday I opened a cardboard box with big staples in.  Before I carried it out to the garage, I thought about how to carry it so that those staples couldn’t scratch my legs.  Mentally that is quite a trip—worrying about something that before my amputation I would consider it insignificant and never given it a thought.  It is a daily part of my “New Normal.”

I sold my ATV on Monday.  It made sense to do it.  I know it was the right thing to do; but it was still a bit hard emotionally to let it go.  I realized that I wouldn’t be riding it much like I used to do.  It just seemed to be a lot of machine to store and to do the maintenance on if I wasn’t going to really use it.  I had a lot of fun with it but it was time to go.  Over two years ago, the first event that led to my amputation happened because of an ATV ride—I haven’t ever gotten over that, so I wasn’t entirely comfortable riding anymore (sort of like if you get sick eating food from a restaurant once, it is hard to go back to that restaurant to eat for years).  So I know it was wise and right; but still hard to do.

On the positive side, selling the ATV gave me the cash I needed to pay for a membership at Gold’s Gym.  I really have enjoyed going and working out there.  It has been healthy for me and will help me continue to lose weight and regain my strength and stamina.  My leg muscles really need to be strengthened and I’m looking forward to doing some cardio inside during the winter.  Working out at home on the floor was beneficial; but could accomplish only so much.  I’m hoping to get to the gym at least three times a week.

One of the things that I found out the last time I hunted was that the tripod stool that I’ve used while hunting before my amputation wasn’t going to work for me now.  Last week when I hunted, the stool really hurt and became unbearable after a while.  It also was so low that it was extremely comical watching me try to get out of it and stand up.  I found a new hunting chair on Monday night at Scheels.  It sits as tall as a regular chair and will give me legs the support that they need.  Hated to have to buy it; but if I am going to hunt I needed a chair that would work well with my prosthetic leg. 

One thing that I still cannot do is carry something large or heavy down the stairs.  Yesterday I sorted through hunting clothes that I would need this fall and put them in a black and gray tote that I left up in my old room.  This morning I asked Karen to carry it down the stairs for me.  I was washing my hands in the bathroom and she was already walking up the stairs when I called out to ask her.  We laughed pretty hard when I looked at the black and gray coat that she found and brought down.  “No…I said tote, not coat.”  We got a bit silly naming all the other things she might have looked for: a black and gray boat, a goat, a stoat, etc.

It seems sort of weird all of the accommodations that I have had to make in my lifestyle and in day-to-day activities.  I have found that I can do most things that I used to do—it is just more of a challenge in how I do them or what “accessories” I need to be able to do them.  Everything takes more energy, more thought, more preparation and more time to do.  I am grateful that I find that most things are possible and that I have the resources that I need to make them happen.  As I think back over the last ten months, I realize that there are a lot of difficulties that I have overcome and still plenty ahead for me to still do.  Many things that initially were impossible for me are now possible.  I’ve made great progress and still have a long way to go.  But I just keep taking the next step in my journey and I know that eventually I will get there by the grace of God, my determination, and the awesome support I receive from so many people. 

Thought for the Day: 

As I pulled into the handicap parking space at Scheels sporting goods last night, I noticed one of the managers walking from the parking lot into the store.  He saw me pull up in my Chevy Silverado.  I noticed that he glanced at my license plate (looking for a handicap plate).  I could tell that he was about to turn around to ask me to move my truck, when I put the handicap placard on my rearview mirror.  He gave a little smile then turned around and walked into the store. 

People are used to seeing little old ladies or men in handicap spots, but I look pretty healthy from the waist up.  Going to another store, I got “the stare” from people in the regular parking space next to the handicap spot I had pulled into.  They didn’t like the fact that I had taken up a handicap spot that was reserved for someone who needed it.  They visibly relaxed when I opened the door and swung my leg out and walked off with my cane. 

Even one of my kids commented on how I use a handicap spot “even though I don’t need to.”  He thought I was just taking advantage of the awesome parking spaces.  In reality I am still under distance restrictions from the doctor and if I use up all my allotted number of steps getting into the store, I cannot go shopping.  If a store has it, I always use the motorized shopping carts to save my energy for the next stop on my list of errands.  I have to conserve energy wherever I can so that I can go to more places on one trip to town.

By the way, Menards only has one motorized cart for the entire store; but it is a pretty zippy ride.  Most carts go so slowly that if turtles were shopping, they would pass me and leave me in their dust.  But the Menards cart actually travels at a decent pace!  I’ve got a need for speed that just cannot be quenched!

Anyway, I just wanted to remind everybody that not all disabilities or handicaps can be seen.  You never know what restrictions their doctors have placed on them or why they might need a handicap spot at the store.  They may seem pretty spry at this store; but you’d be surprised at how much energy it took for them to make that trip and they may not have too much energy left in reserve for the rest of their day.

Secondly, please don’t ever take a handicap spot because you’ll “just be a minute.”  Enjoy the health that you have and take a moment to stretch your legs and walk a bit further.  In my mind, it is even worse when someone decides to leave their empty shopping cart in the stripes around a handicap spot. Technically they haven’t taken up a handicap parking space, so it seems harmless enough.   With my prosthetic leg, I have to open my truck door fully to swing my leg out.  I need that buffer zone around my truck to get out of my vehicle.  Sometimes it is hard enough to find parking space with enough room that I feel confident that I will be able to get back into my truck when I am done shopping.  I have a hard time getting back into my truck without fully opening the door as well; that’s one reason why a regular parking spot doesn’t work for me unless I have someone else along who can back the truck out so I can get in.  Once I had someone park in the stripes around the handicap spot next to my truck once after I went inside a store.  I had to stop someone and ask them to back my truck out of the parking space so I could get in—how embarrassing and inconvenient!

So please pay attention and be polite!

Monday (9/22/2014)

Thought for the Day:

Way back in college, I earned two Bachelor degrees; one in Criminal Justice and another in Psychology.  In one of my psych courses, I had to set up and run an experiment of some sort.  I chose to test eye witness testimony to an accident scene, combining my two courses of study.  The results of my experiment indicated that eye witness testimony is not very reliable.  People’s perception and memory varied widely from the reality of the scene I had created.  Just because someone experienced an event doesn’t mean that they have an accurate understanding of what they really saw.

Over 20 years ago, in my first church, I had a woman who angrily confronted me for avoiding speaking to her on the phone.  She accused me of purposefully dodging her phone calls because of my great dislike of her.  She claimed to have called me numerous times and that I never once had returned her calls.  She read me the riot act and it wasn’t pretty.  After she had ranted for a while, I was finally able to ask her a few questions.  I honestly never remembered receiving any calls from her at all, so I was curious.  I found out that she always called the church office on Mondays—she would call numerous times and I would never pick up and talk to her.  That explained a lot.  This was before cell phones, Caller ID, and phones that kept a record of missed calls.  So although she claimed that I knew it was her calling and I was avoiding her; I would have had no way of knowing who it was before I picked up the phone.  Secondly, I now knew why on every Tuesday morning when I went into the office there were lots of empty phone messages on the recorder.  She would let the phone ring until the recorder kicked in but would never leave a message. And lastly, Monday was my day off and I was never in the office and rarely even at home during the day on Mondays, so there was absolutely no way for me to have a chance to ditch her calls.  Despite her perception that I hated her and therefore avoided her phone calls, the reality was that I never knew she had called and I wasn’t near the phone anytime that she tried to call me.  (Although I have to admit that AFTER she chewed me out and made her accusations, I really didn’t want to answer the phone in case it was her wanting to rant some more).  Her perception did not match reality.  She had decided that I hated her and therefore I avoided talking to her on the phone, because she called me numerous times on my day off and never left any messages.  I can’t recall for certain; but I believe that she never accepted my explanation and never changed her mind about me.

Have you ever wondered why candidates from different parties can look at the same data and one conclude failure and the other victory?  Our perception clouds our view of reality.

Look at what Os Hillman wrote this morning:

Is Perception Reality?

1 Kings 19:18   “Yet I have reserved seven thousand in Israel, all whose knees have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” 

“One the great acts of the prophet Elijah took place at Mount Carmel where he called down fire upon the altar of Baal and slaughtered 400 prophets of Baal. I have been to Mount Carmel in Israel and stood upon this mountain where this took place. Once the miracle took place Elijah was forced to flee because Jezebel swore to take his life for what he did.”

“Elijah went into depression after this event. He fled to the desert and sat under a broom tree and asked God to let him die. He was so discouraged because he felt he was the only godly prophet left in the land of Israel. This is often what happens after God does a significant work through us. Satan comes along and wants to steal what God has done and bring the servant of God down. Satan makes us believe a lie about our situation. This was the case for Elijah.”

“Elijah's perception was not reality. He thought he was the last of the prophets. He could not see what God was doing. God informed Elijah that there were actually seven thousand of His representatives in the land who had not bowed down to Baal. Now give some thought to that statement. Elijah thought he was the only one left. God says there are 7,000 left! What a discrepancy in perception and reality.”

“This is often the case for you and I. We look at our situations and conclude based on the circumstances that reality must be this way. But God says, ‘No, you do not see what I see or what I know or what I am doing. The situation is very different than what you are perceiving.’”

“Be careful not to draw conclusions about your situation that may not be based on truth. God always has a plan for His servants that we may not know about. Ask God to give you His perception of the situation, not yours.”  [Os Hillman, TGIF Today God Is First, Volume 1, 09-22-2014].

Think for a moment about your life.  Aren’t you a bit like me, and at times, you have to admit that you have perceived that your spouse or significant other doesn’t love you?  That people are out to get you and the whole world is against you?  That your life is over because of an event that has occurred?  That your life is so awful and filled with pain that you question whether it is all worth it?  That circumstances indicate that you will never be happy again? That you have no real friends and that nobody loves you?  That God must hate you?  That your life is hopeless, worthless, and you have no future?  That conspiracy theories are all true and everyone is out to get you?

On occasion we think like that.  We have to admit that when we do we are viewing life as a “glass half empty” kind of person.  The weird thing about our minds is that it can be very difficult to believe that our perception is skewed.  If someone tells us we are being paranoid, we begin to suspect them as well!  Just because we perceive it does not make it real and true! 

Even after seeing yourself in the mirror every day, have you ever seen a picture of yourself and been shocked by how fat you look or how bald that you are?  Our perception of ourselves may not accurately reflect reality.  Know anybody who thinks they sing well who really sounds like two cats fighting in a bag?  Ever have a friend that thought he looked cool when everybody else thought he was lame? It is the fight of the century: Perception v. Reality.

I could go on and on with examples; but let me conclude with two thoughts.  First, knowing that our perception may be skewed; don’t make major decisions without getting some advice from clear-headed people.  Be open to other’s point of view.  Try to base your decisions on the facts.  Secondly, remember that contrary to everything that you might have experienced and believe to be true—God loves you.  He is willing to accept you and grant you forgiveness.  He wants to bless you and see you live a full, rich life.  There is nothing you have done (or will do) that can change this fact.  Trust His declared truth and not your own potentially flawed perceptions.

Friday (9/19/2014)

Update & Thought:

On Tuesday when I slipped my shoes off for the night, I noticed a red area near my ankle on my right foot.  On closer inspection I saw that I had a sore that had developed just below the ankle on the outside of my foot.  The red area was a little larger than a quarter and the open sore was about the size of a pencil eraser.  Warning bells sounded in my head!!!

My podiatrist is always pounding in my head to do daily foot inspections because a foot sore could lead to an infection.  That’s what ended up taking my left left—an infection that went into the bone, so there is history to back up this concern.  I doctored up my foot Tuesday night and on Wednesday morning I called the doctor.  I figure that you can tell how serious something is by how fast they give you an appointment.  My doctor was actually out of the office on Wednesday; but I got an appointment for 1 p.m. Wednesday afternoon (five hours after the call).

Since I am doing foot inspections regularly, I caught it early.  I was given antibiotic and supplies to carefully bandage the area, and a Prevalon boot to wear at night when I sleep.  Think of a soft, fluffy pillow that you strap onto your foot. 

It isn’t clear what caused the sore.  My shoes were suspect that they might be rubbing my ankle bone.  I was given a silicone sleeve to wear on my foot the week before.  It is supposed to keep the same thing from happening on a bone spur I have on the back of my heel.  It was bunched up a bit when I took my sock off on Tuesday.  Or it might have been my work boots that I wore the day before—maybe I just didn’t see that area clearly when I did my foot inspection on Monday night.  Not certain what happened; just that something did and the area needs to heal.

I was sent over to the prosthetist’s office for them to evaluate the shoe (it’s a prescription shoe with an orthotic arch support built in).  They checked me over and declared the shoe as not the culprit.  They suspect either the silicone sleeve OR I got a burr in my sock when I was out in the woods in my boots on Monday.

I was afraid that I would be given a bunch of restrictions or that I would be put back in my wheelchair and have my shoe off until it healed; but none of that happened!  Thank you!  I can wear my regular shoe during the day and go about my business as normal.

So I spent time on Wednesday with all my medical friends, got some antibiotic cream and a booty and told to come back in two weeks unless it gets worse (then come immediately) or unless it heals completely (then cancel the appointment).

Do you realize how difficult it is to clearly see the underneath side of the outside ankle bone?  It is especially difficult for me with my reduced vision in my right eye.  My body doesn’t bend the right way to get a good angle on seeing that.

The booty makes sleeping a hoot!  On the bright side, that foot does not get cold at night in the booty! It’s like having a 30-below sleeping bag tied around your foot.  The blankets like to stick to it and get wrapped around it as I rearrange at night.  It makes it difficult to sleep on your side because of the pressure it puts on your knee, throwing everything off balance, etc.

I haven’t been wearing the silicone sleeve while that spot heals which means the rubbing has increased on the bone spur on my heel.  Sort of a Catch-22.

So on the grand scale of things—just the tiniest blip.  It’s a hassle and something else to watch and deal with—I didn’t really want one more thing; but there you go!  I wasn’t asked; It was just given to me.  It could have been much worse but since I caught it so early it isn’t too bad.  And it appears to be healing nicely.

This afternoon, I go in for an injection in my right eye.  I’ll get all sorts of scans and photos taken of both retinas before the injection so I’ll be at the doctors for several hours today.  After that I come home and go directly to bed until the worst of the eye pain is over.  So no reading, no computer, no TV   tonight.  Probably just listen to music.  You aren’t supposed to touch the eye for the first day so that you don’t rub it and damage it while it is still numb.  So I always go to bed wearing wrap-around style sunglasses so I don’t absent-mindedly reach up and rub the eye.  It always feels gritty after this procedure so the urge to rub is very intense.  By Saturday at noon I should be okay (can read or do screen time for short periods of time) and by Sunday morning my vision will be back to normal.

Hey!  I am a mess!  But I am enjoying life and thankful for every breath that I take, every sunset that I watch, and every step that I take.  My life isn’t perfect but I am so thankful that my final chapter hasn’t been written yet.  Every day is proving to be an adventure.  An adventure of discovering new things I can do; new ways of doing things that I used to be able to do; and just taking the next step. 

Nothing is as simple as it used to be.  I just made reservations at a hotel for a conference I am attending in two weeks—it took much longer to book a handicap accessible room with a zero entrance shower.  “Will a tub with a stool work?”  “Nope! Hard to roll the wheelchair over the tub wall…  Let me explain what I need again…”  They had to go look at the room because they could not remember what the shower looked like in their handicap rooms.   The last hotel room I stayed in had a wonderful bathroom set up for wheelchair use.  It was wonderful!  The rest of the room was so stuffed with furniture that I couldn’t get the wheelchair to most of the room because it wouldn’t fit.  I ended up having to get on the bed and roll across it to get to the other parts of the room.  Very frustrating!  But how would they know unless they rode in a wheelchair. 

So whatever you face today—do it with grace.  The people and problems you will deal with may tend to frustrate you or make you mad.  Take a deep cleansing breath and let it all go!  Look at it as an opportunity for personal growth (learning patience and forbearance) and an opportunity to gently and kindly teach someone else about how to treat and care for other people’s needs.  We all need our eyes opened to other people’s perspective from time to time.  Whatever comes your way—find whatever joy you can in it and shake the rest off.  Be thankful for what you do have and don’t focus too much upon what you think you are missing.  Learn to be content.

1 Timothy 6:6   “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”

Thursday (9/18/2014):

Thought for the Day:

I’ve been reading a book that I find is very encouraging and challenging, Timothy Keller’s book, “Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering.”  He closed out one chapter with a true story by a woman named Andi who was going through a painful divorce.  This story hit me so powerfully, I wanted to pass it on to you.  I think you’ll find encouragement in it as well.

The story begins with Andi’s anguish of her divorce being finalized.  She pours out her heart to God as she struggles with feeling abandoned as she slips off her wedding ring…

“Kneeling by my bed that night, my heart broke, unable to contain my gratitude for God’s persistent love through a mess that should have driven him away… Instead he came closer than ever.” 

“As I slipped the ring off, a prayer poured from my heart. ‘Now I want to give you the devotion I thought I would be giving to an earthly husband.  You alone are worthy of my whole heart’s trust, and it’s yours for the rest of my life.’”

“How could a vow of such loving trust pour from a heart that had just lost so much… and be made to the One who had been my only hope?”

“The only explanation is that while so much was dying, something was coming to life.”

“I had been changed by the experience of this unstoppable love constantly moving toward me when I was coming to him with nothing to offer but weakness, confusion, and need.  I cannot adequately explain what happened. I just know that, in the end, this prayer was the only possible response.”

“As I got up off my knees and climbed into bed, I thought, I should get myself a new ring to remind me of this vow I’ve made to the Lord tonight.”

“The next morning, I met with a group of women with whom I had been meeting weekly for prayer.  We never talked a lot about what we were going to pray for, we just prayed.”

“During the time of silence with which we always began, I noticed one of them coming over and kneeling in front of my chair.  She took a ring off her finger, held it out to me, and said, ‘I feel like the Lord wants you to have this ring.  He wants you to know that you are his beloved, and he is betrothing himself to you for the rest of your life.  He will be your protector and provider.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  He will be with you forever…”

“I had mentioned nothing about getting a new ring {to anyone}.” 

“I can’t tell you how many times in the years since, a glance at that ring calmed my fear, filled my loneliness, and comforted my grief.”

“I wanted a ring to remind me of my commitment to the Lord.  Instead, I ended up with one that will forever remind me of his commitment to me.”  [Timothy Keller, Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering].

Wow!  That is a powerful reminder of God’ love for us.  One funny thing about love is that someone may feel it towards us and we can be completely oblivious to it.  We have no idea how powerfully someone might be consumed with love towards us; but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or it isn’t real.  We just remain unaware.

My prayer for each of us is that we might come to understand how powerfully God loves each of us.  May He opens our eyes and give us a glimpse of His devotion and care for us.  May your heart be filled with joy as you discover His “hidden” love for you.  No matter what pain you’ve experienced.  No matter what heartache you’ve endured.  No matter how lonely or deserted you feel.  God is there.  With you.  Beside you. Supporting you.  Enabling you.  Loving you.

Ephesians 3:17-19   “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Tuesday (9/16/2014)

Update:

On Saturday morning I walked in the APPLE Pregnancy Care Center fundraiser.  I was grateful for the generous donations that allowed me to raise over $1,500.  My doctors have restricted the distance I am supposed to walk, so I took my wheelchair along with me.  I would walk 100-150 yards, then propel myself in the wheelchair for a while, then a friend pushed me for a longer distance.  I kept repeating this process until the walk was complete.  Afterwards I purchased the groceries for the week.  After I got home and unloaded the groceries, I found out that my son was going to borrow my lawnmower on Sunday, so I needed to cut the grass.  Then I filled up the wood rack all by myself, and took care of another chore that needed to be done.  Most days any one of those tasks would have been enough.  I was a very tired puppy and slipped into bed earlier than normal (in bed asleep by 9 p.m.).  I had no problem falling asleep when my head hit the pillow.

On Monday at noon, I got ready and went out hunting for the first time this season.  Last year I was only able to hunt once before becoming ill leading up to my amputation.  My plan this year is to far exceed last year’s number of hunts.  It is more challenging now because I am using walking sticks for balance, so I don’t have any hands free to carry my bow, etc.  Everything has to be secured on my back, including my crossbow.  I much prefer being up in a tree stand, but my doctors advised against that, so this year I am earth-bound.  After a while, the 3-legged stool became VERY uncomfortable—I’ll have to figure something else out.  Oh, how I miss my comfortable climber tree stand!   On the positive side it was a beautiful day to be out sitting in nature.  I had a tiny red squirrel that entertained me for several hours.  He wasn’t quite certain about me; but after a time he accepted me as part of the landscape.  I enjoyed watching his antics from about two yards away.  I also had some little birds, (nut hatch, I think) which landed on branches less than two feet from my face—that was very cool watching them!  Trying to walk out after hunting was certainly more difficult with a prosthetic leg.  Every little stick and branch lying on the ground is a potential hazard.  My legs were a bit stiff after sitting so long and I really should have added a sock to tighten up my prosthetic leg before I walked out; but I didn’t want to do that in the woods.  The end result is that although I didn’t see any deer, I learned a lot and enjoyed the outdoors.

Saturday and Monday showed me that although I have limits, I still can enjoy life.  Though I am slower and everything takes more energy, I can still accomplish a lot.  I have to think ahead more, marshal my energy, and know my limits.  There is only so much charge to my battery and when the power is drained, I’m done.  However, every day, I see my potential expanding.  What was impossible a few months ago is in many cases now possible.  Things have changed and things will never go back to the way they were; but still and all, I’ve got it good. 

Here’s a link for a video clip I shot in the woods:

Thought for the Day:

“I am convinced that one of the major reasons we can’t handle the demands of day-to-day living is that our spirits are weary.  Our souls need to be restored… The restoration of our souls is a ministry of our Great Shepherd…  If I don’t take time to get my spiritual tank refilled, I soon find myself ‘running on fumes.’” [Nancy Leigh DeMoss].

What do you do to “refill your spiritual tank”?  Sometimes it is just enough to take the afternoon off and take a nap or sit and watch the game instead of rushing around to check one more thing off of our list.  Other times it is sitting quietly and reading the bible and then silently praying about what God just spoke to us.  

For me, sitting in the woods in the fall is one of those “filling station” moments.  I have time to really decompress and think about things.  While my eyes are roving around looking for movement in the woods, the rest of me is sitting perfectly still, doing nothing.  That is such a contrast to our constantly busy, always have music playing, rushing from one thing to the next typical lifestyle.  I have to force myself to stop and relax.   And it is good.

I am not wasting valuable time sitting in the woods doing nothing.  I am doing the most important thing for that moment by taking the time to replenish my soul.  The Lord knows that I will face plenty of other events in my life this week that will drain my spiritual batteries and I need something to keep them charged.  It isn’t that I don’t like what I do; but everything has a cost—there is a price to pay for everything we do.   Think of life like a giant toll road.  Every once and awhile you have to stop and pay.  It usually isn’t much; but eventually I use up all the change in my ashtray and need to stop to get more coins.  You can only go as far as you have funds, even if the road continues on further.  So it is with life.  Each one of us only has so much to give and when it is gone we are forced to stop for a refill.

Is your spiritual tank on empty?  Do you need to fill up so that you don’t run out?  What things do you need to do to keep your tank filled? Don’t neglect taking care of yourself.  It’s not being selfish or lazy; it’s a vital part of your routine.

Saturday (9/13/2014)

Thought for the Day:

We often struggle and wonder why God would allow this to happen to us when bad things happen.  We question whether God loves us, whether He is able to intervene, and whether He even exists.  We assume that all difficulties would be better if we avoided them; but that is not entirely true.  There may be a higher purpose or a greater goal that will be achieved by allowing us to go through times of trial and testing.  It is rarely pleasant; but it can be profitable. 

“Overprotective parents do their children a great injustice. The caterpillar that lies inside the cocoon will never become the beautiful butterfly if someone cuts open the cocoon prematurely. It is the struggle itself that allows the butterfly to emerge as a strong, new creature of nature.  God understands how necessary this process is. That is why we are allowed to experience difficult, often life-changing events. He even orchestrates them-all for our benefit.” [Os Hillman, TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, September 13, 2014].

Just think about why people go to a gym to work out.  They purposefully strain their muscles, fighting against gravity, lethargy, and old age, in order to strengthen themselves.  It is the process of exercising that is beneficial.  All the sweat and energy that goes into the process of developing great strength and stamina and the ability to stand up under a greater load.  That’s why I’ve started going to Gold’s Gym.  I’ve been working out at home and it’s been beneficial; but now I am ready to work a bit harder and the equipment at the Gold’s Gym helps me do that.

Life is God’s Gym.  The difficulties and trials that you face are the equipment He uses.  As your trainer, God allows you to experience certain events with the purpose of having you grow, mature, and develop.  That knowledge doesn’t make it easier to take; but it does help give you motivation and hope that once you are through a situation you’ll be a better person for it.

Over the past year, I’ve hit a few bumps in the road.  Some of the hazards that I’ve gone through were pretty deep potholes that could have wrecked my life and stopped my journey.  But I’ve made it through and I believe I am a better person today because of what I’ve encountered along the way. 

You might have had an even more extreme year than I have had.  Maybe you are still going through your difficulties.  Maybe yours aren’t going away.  The road you face may be tougher than the one I have faced; but the principle is the same.  Look at life as God’s Gym and realize that His purpose for allowing these events in your life is for your benefit.  Face them with determination and courage. 

At the gym sometimes someone stands by to spot you when you are lifting a heavy weight.  They reach in and give a little assistance whenever it is necessary because you can’t lift the load all by yourself.  Remember that God is there to spot you.  He won’t take the load off of you—He’ll allow you to strain and attempt to push through it; but in the end He will give you the help you need to make the lift.  If the load you are currently bearing is too heavy for you; call out and ask for His assistance but don’t expect Him to take the entire load off of your shoulders.

Workout routines often vary between light and heavy days.  Some days it is more repetitions of a lighter weight and other days it is only a few lifts of heavier weight.  The heavy days are designed to get your muscles to fail because that is when you increase strength.  So if it seems that the burdens that you face are too great to bear, just remember that God, your trainer, has planned a heavy workout for you.  The burden needs to be great if you are going to benefit from it.  Some days are harder than others—expect that.  Don’t become discouraged and quit.  Dig a little deeper and give it all you’ve got.  Think long term and look for the big picture.  Remember that you aren’t alone.  Call out for the help you need and then trust the trainer.