Thursday (2/26/2015)

Update:

Those who are friends with me on Facebook already know that on Tuesday afternoon (2/24) I started having painful throbbing in the metatarsal bones on the outside of my right foot.  That is extremely worrisome to me because of my increased risk that any injury to my remaining foot will lead to another amputation.  My surgeon and podiatrist have preached to me about my increased odds of having my remaining foot amputated, so when I have pain in my foot—I pay close attention and don’t ignore it.  Right now I am supposed to not bear any weight on the foot, so I am back in the wheelchair full time again.  I have a doctor’s appointment next Tuesday (3/3) for an evaluation.  Meanwhile I am elevating, icing, and taking ibuprofen as needed. 

I have a condition called Charcot Foot which means that the bone structure in my foot is weakened and susceptible to collapse.  That is what happened in my left foot which eventually led to the amputation.  Because of this condition, I’ve been under doctor’s orders not to do things like hopping or jumping, and have distance restrictions on how far I can walk.  So now I am under more severe restrictions until my evaluation, and then we will see what the doctor orders. 

All joking aside, I would much rather deal with phantom pain in my left leg than with this pain in my right foot because of what it may indicate. 

Thought for the Day: 

Randy Alcorn in his book “Seeing the Unseen” writes about Michelangelo taking a chisel in hand to slowly chip away at a large marble stone to create his masterpiece, the statue of David.  Michelangelo transformed the plain block of stone that other artists had rejected into something beautiful. 

“While Michelangelo may not have called upon the stone to cooperate with him, God has called us to yield ourselves by submitting to His chisel…  This transformation does not simply happen after we die.  It starts here and now in this world.  And suffering is the instrument.  God isn’t just preparing a place for us.  He is preparing us for that place.”  [Randy Alcorn, Seeing the Unseen].

At times this process of transformation feels like someone who comes into your home without our permission and cleans out your closet and chest of drawers and throws away most of your clothes.  “You threw away my favorite T-shirt!”  We may feel violated.  We experience a sense of loss.  But eventually we come to realize that most everything that is gone, we never wore anyway.  And some of it should have been tossed out years ago.  We really didn’t need all that junk anyhow.

Tap…tap…tap…  And God removes something from your life as He seeks to shape you and transform you.  It may be a relationship.  It could be your health.  It’s possibly a possession.  It may be a dream that you hoped to fulfill.  Whatever is chipped away needed to be removed so that your truest nature could be revealed.  For most of us it means suffering, inconvenience, pain, or difficulty.  These loses help us to discover who we really are and what is truly important to us.  They demonstrate to the world around us what we hold dear and in whom we trust when our world is falling apart around us. 

Transformation isn’t a painless process and it will take a lifetime to complete.  Michelangelo worked constantly for two years to create David.  Masterpieces are not created overnight.  It takes time.  Think about that the next time you feel God chiseling away at your life.  We usually want the process to be over quickly; but it takes time to take a rough stone and turn it into a polished work of art.  It should not surprise us to find that God will be working on us for a lifetime until He’s finished with us. 

Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”  When God looks at us He sees a masterpiece and begins the process of chipping away the excess and our rough spots so that we are finally revealed.  Remember that there is a reason, a purpose, and a goal in mind when the process seems painful.

Thursday (2/19/2015)

Update:

I haven’t written for a while.  It’s been a tough month for me.  Let’s just say that my leg has been a challenge to me and all of my medical team.  Trying to get me comfortable in a leg that I can use to the fullest has been elusive.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time in my wheelchair because the pain of walking was too much for me.  We still haven’t found a solution and the number of viable options seems to be decreasing.  Emotionally that has been the worst.  As long as I have something to look forward to, something else to try, options that may solve the problems I’ve been having—I can face that.  Right now it is sort of a “wait and see” phase.  I have to walk enough and try enough to produce pain and discomfort, chart what is going on, and hope that this is some actionable common occurrence (and there hasn’t been too much of that).   If I know that I am moving forward and getting closer to achieving the right fit—I can do it.  Right now it feels more like I am being asked to prove that there is nothing more to try.  Mentally, it is a very big difference to me. 

I think it is the uncertainty of it all that gets me the most.  I love the freedom and mobility that my leg affords me.  This past summer it was great! I was able to do so much and didn’t feel the sting of limitations.  Now, I am wondering if I’m headed towards surgery, medications which might dull the pain and dull my senses, or having to go back to the wheelchair full-time.  Maybe I am over-reacting to my current issues; but this is the way it currently feels to me.  If I knew what I faced—I think that I could handle that square on.  I mean, I didn’t hardly blink when the surgeon said that we should amputate my leg.  “Okay, let’s do it!  If amputation gives me the best prognosis for an active future, let’s go!” 

But now this has been dragging on for months and there is no end or resolution in sight.  This is much harder to take.  I do volunteer work leading bible studies for inmates in the county jail.  It seems to me that one of the toughest periods for them is the delay between the trial and the sentencing.  Not knowing whether it will be probation or years in prison is hard for them to take.  All you can do it wait; but the waiting isn’t easy.  It is better to know so you can mentally prepare.  I know that it is also tough for families in the waiting room while their loved one is in surgery.  You think about the worst and hope for the best.

How do you handle that kind of mental waiting?  All you can do is hope and trust.  I’ve been around enough to know that you cannot always expect that what happens to us will make sense and always turn out alright.  Counting on chance and fate is like betting against loaded dice—you are going to lose.  Instead, I choose to hope and trust that there is a God and that He is in control.  That doesn’t mean that everything always turns out the way that I’d like.  But it means that even when the worst gets thrown at me; I’ve got someone to lean on and know that He will be with me every step of the way. 

Warren Wiersbe in his book, “The Bumps Are What You Climb On” says this, “If you are yielded to Christ, your life is not a series of accidents; it is a series of appointments.  That God has a plan for you is vitally important.  If God doesn’t have a plan, then life has no meaning. Suffering is in vain; sacrifice is meaningless.  If there is no design for our lives, then there is nothing to fulfill and the logical thing to do is escape.”

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t normally understand God’s plan.  I do know that His ultimate goal is not our happiness; He wants to see us grow and mature.  Growth and maturity only come through adversity.  Strength and resilience comes when we are tested and tried.  God is interested in what the end result is; not what the current situation yields. 

Romans 8:28   “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I don’t necessarily like where my life is at right at this moment; but I am going to trust that God has a plan for my life.  I cannot necessarily see it or don’t know where it is headed; but as long as He does—I’m okay with that.  Just like driving at night.  My headlights only light the road immediately in front of me.  I cannot see the entire road to my destination; but that doesn’t stop me from driving.  I trust that my destination is ahead and keep going.  That is what I am choosing to do today.  I don’t know what my future holds—but I know who holds my future; and that is enough.

Wednesday (2/11/2015

Update:

It seems like it has been a long wait for my next test socket to arrive.    I have an appointment to have it fitted on Friday morning at 9 a.m., so the wait is over.  I was cast for this leg back on January 22^nd so it will have been just over three weeks.  Of course, this will be the third try to find a comfortable fit since my first definitive leg quit fitting well back in October 2014.  It has added up to a lot of painful steps and continually trying minor adjustments to see if we can make something comfortable again.  My prosthetist is optimistic that this will be the one to get me active and walking again.  Honestly, I’m hoping that it is; but I’m feeling doubtful.  I have this feeling that it will be another month or so and several more legs before something works.  I hope I am wrong!!  I’ve been riding the wheelchair for the last couple of weeks.  I wear my prosthesis but I am taking only a step here and there.  It causes enough pain taking less than 25-50 steps a day.  Someday!  Someday, I hope to be walking and able to go all day long again.  I’ve been dreaming about springtime and riding my bicycle again.  I really enjoyed getting out and getting the exercise last summer.  It can’t come soon enough.  I want to walk be able to do small chores around the house, or spend more time out doing stuff.  Right now I have only limited mobility and if I do just a little bit too much, I’m in pain.  Pain robs me of my energy pretty quickly.  I’ve had to drastically cut back on most things to compensate.

For the first time, I had lightning bolt kind of pain in my right leg the other night.  My right leg is the “original manufacturer installed parts” (the leg I was born with; my ‘meat’ leg).  It started off every 20 minutes or so during the early evening.  It increased in frequency until I was sucking air about every 30 seconds.  That lasted for four hours.  WOW!  That was intense!  It finally calmed down and I was able to get to sleep about 11:30 p.m. (2½ hours past my bedtime).  At 3:30 a.m. I was woken up by more lightning bolt pain shooting down my leg.  I am kind of use to that in my left leg; but this is the first time I’ve had it in the right leg.  Since that night, it hasn’t happened again.  I was getting ready to call the doctor for an appointment to get something to help the pain.  But since it hasn’t happened again, I’ll wait.

My prosthetist has already been wondering if maybe part of my problem with pain has nothing (or little to do) with my socket.  So I should try some medication to see if that helps.  I want to try the new socket before I go on any meds to see it changes anything.  If I still have the phantom pains in my left (amputated) leg, then I probably will give the meds a try.  As I have said before, I am extremely fortunate that I have had so little nerve pain since my amputation in December 2013.  Most amputees are not so blessed. 

I got fitted for a brand new wheelchair.  My current chair was loaned to me by a family member.  It was an older chair; but it has worked great for me so far.  But now the wear and tear of me using it and its age is really showing.  It is quite the process of appointments to get approved for a wheelchair.  I guess it makes sense so that insurance doesn’t pay for something that isn’t necessary; but it seems excessive.  Everything has to be justified, documented, down to the smallest detail.  So I had to go over the details of my injury, lifestyle, mobility issues, doctor’s limitations, etc., etc., etc.  with a physical therapist and the rep from the wheelchair company.  And this is for a fairly simple, “push it yourself” wheelchair.  I can only imagine what it would take if I needed a powered chair!  It will probably be about another six weeks before I get my new chair.  One of the issues with my current chair (among other things) was that the arm rests were cracked.  It was pinching the skin on my arms using it.    I knew it would take 8-12 weeks total to get the chair, so I started early before it got too bad.  Right after I had the final wheelchair evaluation, I got the armrest stuck under a table at my office and ended up ripping the vinyl to pieces.  I just laughed.  Talk about good timing!  Good thing the chair is coming soon (relatively).  It does amaze me how long it takes to get any durable medical equipment.  I haven’t had it bad; but a lot of people don’t have any other resources and they have to sit and wait forever to get something that they really need.  It just seems wrong!  Wish we could fix that, especially for older seniors.

With all the pain, I’ve had to get more sleep, I have less energy to do things, and I’m not as mentally focused as I’d like to be.  All that to say that I haven’t been able to give full-time effort to my church lately.  The way things have gone over the last four months, I am beginning to wonder if I ever will get back to 100%.  The church has been very gracious to me during my recovery period.  On March 1^st, I’ll begin a three month sabbatical so that I can get more rest, attempt to gain full-recovery, and evaluate whether I will be able to return to full-time ministry.  I am thankful for their continued support of me while I try to determine the long-term nature of my challenges.  It will be very strange to be gone that long from the church that I’ve pastored for the last 18 years.  However I’m looking forward to the respite.

Wednesday (2/4/2015)

Update:

I had a great time at the conference I attended last week.  I was challenged by the speakers and got to reconnect with old friends and meet a few new ones.  I also was able to spend some time with my daughter, Ruth, and son-in-law as well.  I used my wheelchair over 95% of the time and only stood and walked when I absolutely had to do so.  In this fashion my pain was manageable and I could endure the long hours of the conference.

Two things to note from the perspective of a wheelchair.  First, nobody notices you sitting down there in a crowd.  While trying to get through the crowded entrance area before and after a session, I was tripped over numerous times.  I guess we normally scan the area at eye level.  If we don’t see anybody at that level, then nobody must be there, right?  It got to be rather funny after a while wondering who would run into me.  Nobody seemed to get hurt doing it, so it was okay.  I also noticed that those trying to navigate through the crowd would be noticed by those standing and talking and they would clear a path for those traveling through.  I, on the other hand, had to poke people and say, “Excuse me,” to get noticed enough for a clear path to form for me.  Secondly, the sidewalks were terrible for a wheelchair.  I encountered numerous giant cracks that nearly dumped me out of the chair.  I also found several sections of sidewalk that had been removed and replaced with gravel (probably the old sidewalk broke last fall and they didn’t get a chance to pour new concrete before winter hit).  That made for a more challenging path.  I did get my upper body workout by rolling along.  I also encountered those push-button automatic door openers that didn’t work, and buildings that weren’t really handicapped friendly.  It is a different world when you look at it from new perspective.  I know that I never thought about those things before I used a wheelchair personally. 

Since coming home, I’ve decided to continue using my wheelchair 95% of the time until I get my latest test socket (sometime the week of February 9^th).  There is nothing they can do to increase my comfort in the current leg and there is no point in abusing myself with the increased pain levels I am experiencing with this leg.  Going back to almost totally using wheels instead of walking with a prosthesis feels very limiting; but it is what I’ve got to do for now.  You know how it feels after driving 70 mph on the interstate for hours and then hit construction where you are only driving 30 mph?  It feels SO SLOW after speeding along.  Mentally that is the difference between walking with my prosthesis and using the wheelchair.  I’m glad I have the option; but I long for the ability to walk without pain again.

Some may not know that I am the pastor of a church.  My congregation has been very patient, gracious, and supportive of me during the past year of recovery.   But with the last 2-3 months of pain, constant medical appointments, etc. I really have begun to wonder if I will ever be able to resume a normal full-time schedule.  In fairness to the church, I began a discussion with the leadership.  Their response was to offer me a three-month long sabbatical.  It will allow me time to get more rest and give me time to better evaluate my long-term work potential.  Right now I don’t know whether or not I will ever be able to effectively return to full-time ministry.  My medical team believes that I will; but I have my doubts and I cannot guarantee that I won’t have continual temporary setbacks.  That hurts to say that; but it is an honest question that I have to deal with.  Right now, I am trying to tie up some loose ends at work before I start the sabbatical.    

Thought for the Day:

I’ve read several things recently about the biblical prophet Elijah.  After a great victory on Mt. Carmel, he had a breakdown (1 Kings 19).  He was emotionally and physically beat.  God’s solution for him was a time of rest—lots of sleep and food.  After Elijah’s physical needs were met, then God worked on the negative thinking that had crept into his mind.  Elijah needed a new vision of how great God was and all that He was doing in the world around Elijah.  Eventually Elijah returned to ministry with a renewed sense of purpose and energy.

Whether you call it burnout, the beginning of depression, or just being bone-tired weary, sometimes life overwhelms us and we need a break.  Ever notice what a difference the weekend makes, or how refreshed you feel after getting away on vacation?  Even getting a good night’s sleep can make all the difference in the world to us.  Some people have an amazing ability to work non-stop and continue to be productive; but eventually all of us need a break.  We need some down time.  Even Jesus took a pause in ministry with the intent of getting away with his disciples for a time of rest (Mark 6:31, 32). 

When we are used to taking care of others, getting the self-care that we ourselves need can be tough.  I cannot think of a tougher job than being a single parent.  Everything relies upon you and if you don’t do it—it doesn’t get done.  Work, chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc.), kids (homework, juggling everyone’s schedule, drive them to events, care for them when they are sick or upset, etc.): that’s at least 25 hours of work in a 24 hour period.  That doesn’t leave time for much rest and relaxation for mom or dad.  It’s easy for a single-parent to feel guilty for not being able to do it all.  It is hard to find the time to just put your feet up for a few minutes each day, let alone an entire evening! 

It’s okay to admit you are struggling and to ask for help, even if you are only admitting it to yourself and calling out to God for help.  Everyone is wired differently, so what overwhelms me may not seem too much to you—so be gracious with others.  Reach out and lend a hand whenever you can.  Offer to babysit for a few hours or bring a meal over to give them a break.  Remember to lift each other up in prayer and to pass on a word of encouragement. 

If you are struggling with life right now; it is okay to admit that.  Sometimes we just need to tough it out for a little longer for things to turn around; but sometimes those struggles are a sign to us that something got to change.  In the midst of our difficulties it is often hard for us to get a clear picture of what we should do.  The counsel of a wise friend and looking for spiritual wisdom through prayer, bible reading, and reflection can be great sources of wisdom for what you face. 

God can often be a source of hidden strength and refreshment to those who rely upon Him.  Through Him we are able to do far more than we ever could do on our own.   God understands our struggles.  Read Psalm 42 and 43.  You’ll hear David’s cry of despair and his ultimate decision to trust in God’s strength and provision in times of trouble.  That’s a good example for each of us to follow.

Psalm 43:5   “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”