Update:
I haven’t
written for a while. It’s been a tough
month for me. Let’s just say that my leg
has been a challenge to me and all of my medical team. Trying to get me comfortable in a leg that I
can use to the fullest has been elusive.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time in my wheelchair because the pain of
walking was too much for me. We still
haven’t found a solution and the number of viable options seems to be
decreasing. Emotionally that has been
the worst. As long as I have something
to look forward to, something else to try, options that may solve the problems
I’ve been having—I can face that. Right
now it is sort of a “wait and see” phase.
I have to walk enough and try enough to produce pain and discomfort,
chart what is going on, and hope that this is some actionable common occurrence
(and there hasn’t been too much of that).
If I know that I am moving
forward and getting closer to achieving the right fit—I can do it. Right now it feels more like I am being asked
to prove that there is nothing more to try.
Mentally, it is a very big difference to me.
I think it
is the uncertainty of it all that gets me the most. I love the freedom and mobility that my leg
affords me. This past summer it was great!
I was able to do so much and didn’t feel the sting of limitations. Now, I am wondering if I’m headed towards
surgery, medications which might dull the pain and dull my senses, or having to
go back to the wheelchair full-time.
Maybe I am over-reacting to my current issues; but this is the way it
currently feels to me. If I knew what I
faced—I think that I could handle that square on. I mean, I didn’t hardly blink when the
surgeon said that we should amputate my leg.
“Okay, let’s do it! If amputation
gives me the best prognosis for an active future, let’s go!”
But now this
has been dragging on for months and there is no end or resolution in
sight. This is much harder to take. I do volunteer work leading bible studies for
inmates in the county jail. It seems to
me that one of the toughest periods for them is the delay between the trial and
the sentencing. Not knowing whether it
will be probation or years in prison is hard for them to take. All you can do it wait; but the waiting isn’t
easy. It is better to know so you can mentally
prepare. I know that it is also tough
for families in the waiting room while their loved one is in surgery. You think about the worst and hope for the
best.
How do you
handle that kind of mental waiting? All
you can do is hope and trust. I’ve been
around enough to know that you cannot always expect that what happens to us will
make sense and always turn out alright.
Counting on chance and fate is like betting against loaded dice—you are
going to lose. Instead, I choose to hope
and trust that there is a God and that He is in control. That doesn’t mean that everything always
turns out the way that I’d like. But it
means that even when the worst gets thrown at me; I’ve got someone to lean on
and know that He will be with me every step of the way.
Warren
Wiersbe in his book, “The Bumps Are What You Climb On” says this, “If you are
yielded to Christ, your life is not a series of accidents; it is a series of
appointments. That God has a plan for
you is vitally important. If God doesn’t
have a plan, then life has no meaning. Suffering is in vain; sacrifice is
meaningless. If there is no design for
our lives, then there is nothing to fulfill and the logical thing to do is
escape.”
I’ll be the
first to admit that I don’t normally understand God’s plan. I do know that His ultimate goal is not our
happiness; He wants to see us grow and mature.
Growth and maturity only come through adversity. Strength and resilience comes when we are tested
and tried. God is interested in what the
end result is; not what the current situation yields.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all
things work together for good, for those who are called according to his
purpose.”
I don’t necessarily
like where my life is at right at this moment; but I am going to trust that God
has a plan for my life. I cannot
necessarily see it or don’t know where it is headed; but as long as He does—I’m
okay with that. Just like driving at
night. My headlights only light the road
immediately in front of me. I cannot see
the entire road to my destination; but that doesn’t stop me from driving. I trust that my destination is ahead and keep
going. That is what I am choosing to do
today. I don’t know what my future holds—but
I know who holds my future; and that is enough.
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