Monday (12/3/2018):

Monday (12/3/2018):

I've been an amputee for five years today. I am so happy to be alive and kickin'. Right now, I'm doing the best that I have done so far. I am so very grateful to God and to everyone who has helped me along the way.

Thursday (11/22/2018):

Thursday (11/22/2018):

Five years ago on Thanksgiving Day (it was on 11/28 that year), my wife realized that what we thought was a bad case of the flu was something much worse.  She decided to take me to the ER.  It turns out that I was in septic shock and the doctors weren’t certain whether I would live.  My wife was told that if she had waited another hour, I wouldn’t have made it.

So do I have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?  Most certainly!!  I was given additional years to live and enjoy life.  I’ve gotten to witness events that I would have missed (the birth of three grandchildren and watching them grow, the marriage of my youngest son, my brother’s wedding, my wife’s movie being made, and numerous family member’s birthday celebrations, etc., etc., etc.).  The Lord God saw fit to allow me to play some “extra innings” and I am grateful!

I am much more attentive to the little things that are sometimes easy to ignore, such as a beautiful sunset, stunning scenery, the majesty of a powerful thunderstorm, the beauty of a heavy snowfall, and good times with friends and family.  Things that before I might have taken for granted.

Every day is a gift!  Even on the difficult days, I can find something to be thankful for, even if it’s only that I am alive!

Remember your blessings.  Enjoy the little things. Take time to give thanks for what you have been given, including the people who make your life more rich and fulfilling.

Have a happy and meaningful Thanksgiving!

Monday (11/5/2018):

Update:

The other day I realized that I currently have the most energy, endurance, and potential that I’ve had in the last five years since my amputation. Presently I’m able to do more for longer periods of time. However, I still have lots of limits and I’m not even close to being back to my pre-amp levels.

Immediately after my amputation, I figured in a few months I would be back up to speed and “boldly go where no amputee has gone before” (yes, I just misappropriated a Star Trek quote). I ended up with a number of other medical issues besides my amputation so my future didn’t quite live up to my hopes, but I am grateful for every step forward that I’ve been able to make in resuming my life. I seem to be very slowly continuing to make forward progress.

I saw this meme about “usable hours” and I thought it was a helpful concept. There can be quite a difference in the number of hours of productive time between someone who has no health issues and someone who has chronic pain or a chronic illness.

I’m doing the best I’ve done in over five years, but I still run out energy too soon and take longer to recover than it used to take. I run out of time and energy before I get through my list of things to do for the day. I’ve reconciled myself with the idea that I cannot do everything that I want to accomplish. So each day I try to do the most important things first. A lot of things get left undone, but there isn’t anything I can do about that except to accept my current reality. There are days and times when I get a sudden burst of vitality and I am able to do so much more than normal—those are the fun days! But I often pay for it afterward and need more rest or to take it easy for a few days afterward.

That’s life! Or at least that's my life! I’m very grateful for everything that I’ve been able to do recently and I hope that this trend continues.

Wednesday (9/12/2018)

Wednesday (9/12/2018):

I traveled down to Newport, KY (Cincinnati metro area) on Labor Day (9/3) so I’d be ready to see my prosthetist bright and early on Tuesday morning (9/4).  Traffic was terrible and I was nearly in three accidents.  One I avoided by inches.  That was by the grace of God!  With the weather, road construction, traffic jams it turned into a 13-hour trip.  Whew!

On Tuesday, Rob made a static check socket and it felt great, then he put a foot on it so I could walk in it.  Once again I struggled with discomfort/pain on the radial edge of the limb.  He started trying all sorts of adjustments.  They seemed to help somewhat, but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  We struggled with doing too much and causing new problems, etc.  It was rather tedious work for both of us.  Imagine going to the eye doctor for a vision test, “Tell me which is better—1 or 2?”  He can flip the lens back and forth repeatedly and quickly.  Many of the changes we were trying would take several minutes to switch over.  Then I had to decide which was better based on a memory, sometimes up to 30 minutes.  I find that very difficult to do.  I was very frustrated by Thursday.  Things weren’t progressing well.  We weren’t finding answers and seemed like we were going in circles. 

Mentally I was discouraged.  Should I head back home once again and give it more time?  Why am I so difficult to fit?  Should I just accept that the best we can do is going to result in an uncomfortable leg?  That just seemed wrong!  It isn’t what I wanted; but what was I to do?  I spent Thursday afternoon and evening icing my leg and doing a whole lot of prayer and soul-searching.  That continued on into Friday morning when finally I felt the right thing to do was to finish the socket.  We had come to the conclusion that most of my pain was located where the doctor shaved the bone back.  That area was just taking longer to heal.  We did a few more adjustments and then Rob took my socket to go start building my new permanent (or definitive) prosthesis.  That meant I would be in my wheelchair all weekend and get my leg sometime on Monday.

I was surprised by a phone call on Saturday afternoon.  Rob had stayed late Friday night and worked all day Saturday (his day off) to finish my socket early.  I picked it up on Saturday at 4 p.m. to “test drive” it for the rest of the weekend.  That gave me time to wear it and walk in for a couple of days before going in on Monday morning.

Monday morning was spent doing a few extra checks, getting some training on replacing parts, and finishing up paperwork. 

This leg isn’t perfectly comfortable; but for now, it’s as good as we could get it.  Over time, I think it will get better.  One way to describe it is like breaking in a new pair of tight dress shoes—it hurts and pinches, but slowly they start to feel better.

Rob was even able to fabricate a water leg for pool therapy from old parts that I had at a very low out of pocket cost to me (my insurance only pays for one prosthesis).  The pool at my gym, my friend’s pools, and the ocean are all salt-water.  My normal leg is not rated for salt water (the vacuum pump).  Now when I go to LA to see the boys or FL to visit my brother, I can get into the ocean by walking into it!!!

I was back on the road north headed home by about 1 p.m. on Monday. With the late start, I broke the trip into two days.  I don’t do well driving at night on unfamiliar roads.  I made it to the western suburbs of Chicago and had an easy drive home on Tuesday.  The roads we much less congested and made it a more pleasant drive. 

After being home for only two hours, I was back babysitting my 9-week old twin grandsons and 2-year old granddaughter.   Then I was at the Fire Department for part of the evening afterward.  I slept well last night in my own bed.  So glad to be home!

Now I am slowing trying to work back into to life.  I’ve been walking about 2 miles a day on this new leg.  I’ll slowly increase my distance as my leg adjusts to wearing this new prosthesis.  Rob made some great improvements and we greatly improved the range of motion on my knee, so I can bend it to 90 degrees.  That makes getting in and out of vehicles much easier.  I should be able to ride my bicycle again. 

With this better fitting prosthesis, there is so much that I can do and so much that I want to do.  I just have to be wise not to overdo too soon.  Walks, riding the bike, pool therapy, swimming laps, lifting weights at gym, start back shooting archery, maybe get out deer hunting, yard work, ride my motorcycle, keep babysitting about 4 hour each day, continue volunteering as a chaplain for the police and fire departments (and resume a more active participation).

Live my life!  That’s all I hope to do.  

Friday (8/17/2018)

Friday (8/17/2018)

I just got home from my trip to the surgeon and prosthetist.  I didn’t come home with a finished product.  On Monday (8/13) my surgeon in Indianapolis gave me the okay to have the prosthesis built, so I headed to my prosthetist office in the metro area of Cincinnati.  Initially things went smoothly and we made great progress.  But my incision line was tender with any pressure and it was difficult to determine if the pain/discomfort I was feeling was from my leg being tender or from something needing to be corrected in the prosthesis. 

 Before and After Surgery Xrays (Before--top; After--bottom): Notice how long the tibia is on the first picture.  I was basically standing on that point.

So after going round and round, I finally decided to wear the temporary socket back home.  I’ll wear it and use it for the next couple of weeks, which should give me a clearer understanding of what needs to be done to improve the socket.  It will also give my leg time to mature a bit (push the fluids out and shrink some).  That means when we build the permanent socket it should las t longer because it will as tight as it can be.  My prosthetist is going for a “Zero Sock” fit.  No matter what, my leg will change over time and use, so I’ll need a new socket eventually anyway.  Every time I have another surgery, the “mature leg clock” starts over. 

Since this is a temporary socket, it’s not made as strong, so I can’t go pushing extremes with this one.  But for right now, I mainly need to walk, walk, walk, and walk some more.  Last night I walked for ¾ mile.  That’s the farthest I’ve walk in over a year!!!  Even with the discomfort/pain, while I was in Cincy, I was still walking over a total of 3 miles a day just taking it rather easy.  Again, that’s a vast improvement over what I was able to do.

My temporary socket:  I am able to reuse my pump and my foot.  The liners and sleeves (not shown) are a completely different style.  

Working with a prosthetist at a distance means that it’s a big trip and we try to shorten the process of fitting down to a week or two.  If I was doing this locally, it would happen with multiple visits over the course of a month or two.  This trip didn’t quite work as well as wanted; but I am walking better than I was already.  And we should be able to complete the process rather quickly when I go back down to Cincy in a couple of weeks.

It also looks like Rob will be able to fabricate a water leg for me fairly cheaply from all the spare parts that I now own.  My current leg can get wet; but only in fresh water.  All the pools that I frequent (and I have family at the Pacific and the Gulf coast) are salt water pools and my elevated vacuum pump can’t tolerate that.  So the water leg would be used for doing water therapy.  It is amazing how much resistance water adds to the easiest of movements.  My left leg is very atrophied and I need to swim, work out at the gym, do water therapy, and do a lot of walking to build it back up.  My left leg is so out of shape that I strained a muscle in it just walking up a small hill earlier this week! 

So things are going well.  Slower than I might wish for; but well none the less.  I don’t really look forward to driving back down to Cincy again in a couple of weeks.  With traffic and construction delays it took me eleven hours to get home.  That’s way too much time sitting in the truck.  But if I get out of the wheelchair and get to walk, well, that’s worth the drive for sure!

Tuesday (8/7/2018):

Update:

I have my six-week post-op appointment with my surgeon in Indianapolis on Monday morning (8/13).  I send him regular updates and photos of my limb so he knows how I’m doing.  He’s already told me that he plans to give me the okay to start working on having a new prosthesis made.   Awesome!!!

My Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation Doctor was tremendous squeezing me in to her jammed schedule on short notice so that she could be prepared to write the prescription for my new prosthetic leg.

I’ll travel to Indianapolis (500 miles) on Sunday (8/12), so I’m ready for my Monday morning appointment.

I’ve already set up an appointment with my prosthetist in Cincinnati metro area on Monday afternoon.  He makes the prosthesis in his own shop from start to finish.  With all steps, the adjusting, and getting it just right, it usually takes a week to ten days depending on how things go for me to walk out of there and head home.

The hotel where I stayed in the past has finally been completely remodeled.  In the past because I was there for medical reasons and stayed about ten days, they gave me a great rate of about $95 per day.  Now that they’ve remodeled, the rate went up to $175 a day.  I liked the spot I used to stay at; but not at that price! No, thank you!  I found a different place with more reasonable rates about a 25 minute drive away. 

The first few days in Cincinnati will mainly be spent sitting around while Rob builds my leg.  After that, most of my time is spent walking and wearing the leg to see how it fits and to make any adjustments needed.

Being that I live 750 miles away from my prosthetist means I have to invest the time and energy all in one blast to get there, and get it right before I come home.  Hopefully the process goes quickly.

I look forward to getting out of the wheelchair and back to walking again.  It will be great to be upright and active again!  One of my goals is to get my bow out and start shooting archery again.  I’d like to get out in woods to deer hunt this fall.  We’ll just have to wait to see how it all goes.  

Saturday (7/14/2018)

Update:

I had my surgery done in Indianapolis last Friday (7/6).  I was told that it went well.  I was discharged on Sunday.  My wife had flown in on Saturday to drive me home.  500 miles is a long drive when just sitting upright in a chair for an hour wears you out.   I laid down in the backseat of the truck for half way home.  

I've stayed at home resting for the week.  On Friday (7/13), I went over to my daughter's and got to play with my granddaughter and hold my grandsons.  That was pleasant!

I was having trouble with my limb all week.  The bleeding at the incision hadn't stopped, which is unusually long.  Also I was showing possible signs of infection, so I called the doctor.

It's a little more complicated when the hospital you had the surgery at is 500 miles away, the surgeon had a family emergency right after my surgery, and you are trying to find someone who knows you to talk with them.  Thankfully both hospitals use EPIC for record keeping, so the records and things transferred back and forth.  Anyway, my Indy team sent me to the ER to have someone look at me and run some blood work.  

My white cell count was somewhat elevated but I had a number of symptoms that I seemed to indicate an infection starting.  So I was put on two antibiotics and sent home.

I'm so very grateful that now just 12 hours after starting the antibiotics that my leg already looks so much better!!!  I think we nipped it in the bud before an infection really took hold.  Whew!  Fears alleviated!

I've got a two-week post-op follow-up scheduled in Indy this coming Friday (7/20).  I'll drive down on Thursday and then drive back home on Friday after my appointment.  Not looking forward to 1,000 miles in two days, but that is just the way it is.  I'll have lots of time to listen to my favorite music!                              

I got to tell you this.  It makes me laugh.  I called the hotel that I stayed at prior to my surgery.  I asked to reserve "a wheelchair accessible" room.  The lady told me, "We don't have any of those here.  We only have handicap accessible rooms."  I answered back, "Well, I stayed at your hotel last week, so whatever you got will be fine."  LOL.  The room I stayed in there was one of best layouts for a wheelchair that I ever had.  So yeah, I should be fine.

Tuesday (7/3/2018):

I’m driving down to Indianapolis tomorrow (500 miles) in preparation for my reconstructive surgery on Friday (7/6).  The tibia on my amputated leg is pronounced (too long) and needs to be reduced, among other things.  I hate to be wheelchair bound for the rest of July and early August as I heal before getting a new prosthesis; but it has to happen for me to regain my comfort and mobility.

I’ve been an amputee for 4 ½ years now.  This will be my second reconstructive surgery following my amputation and the third summer that I’ve been severely limited in my activity levels.  And I had such high hopes for this year.  Oh, well!

After joining the “Amp Club” you find out that every person’s experience is different.  Some people seem to immediately find the “sweet spot.”  They have an amputation, get a prosthesis, and off they go without almost any other problems.   Others find themselves in a nearly constant loop of surgeries, procedures, fittings, in an endless attempt to regain their comfort and mobility. 

I fall somewhere in between.  I’ve had a few difficulties along the way, along with some very good times.  The beauty of social media for an amputee is that you find out that you aren’t alone.  You see the success stories that fuel your drive to continue forward, as well as finding out that there are others who are facing much greater battles than your own.

For me, being an amputee is a mind game.  Despite setbacks and failures, maintaining a positive outlook is a requirement to keep moving forward.  Every step is a trade-off.  Is this worth the time and energy it will require?  Will my investment pay dividends?  Am I wasting my time striving to achieve an unattainable goal?  The hard part is that you don’t know if it is unattainable until you’ve tried every possible solution.  Until then, every step along the way is just part of the road you travel. 

I’m beginning to understand that being an amputee isn’t about “arriving,” it’s about the journey itself. I may never arrive at the destination that I seek; I can’t wait until I get there to be happy. Instead I’ve got to remember to enjoy the journey itself. The breakdowns, detours, and road construction zones are never the most pleasant part of traveling; but they are a fact of life and you might as well learn to appreciate them as well.

Take a minute to read what John Maxwell wrote about success (and the happiness or satisfaction that comes with it).

www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/what-i-believe-about-success

Thursday (6/14/2018):

Update:

Only three weeks to go until my surgery to fix some structural problems with my leg.  I’m looking forward to having it done and seeing the results.  Hopefully, the outcome will be everything that I anticipate it’ll be.

I’ve found that a lot of my life as an amputee is what I call “the time in-between.”  It’s waiting for the next appointment, the next procedure, or the next surgery.  It’s waiting to heal so I can get a new socket made, so I can get active again, so I can make forward progress.  It’s severely limiting the number of steps I take in a day, or avoiding certain activities like walking on grass because it puts more strain on my limb than walking on a sidewalk.  It’s scheduling my daily activities around the limited amount of time that I can wear my prosthesis comfortably, and figuring out how to do everything else from a wheelchair.  It’s fighting pressure sores, blisters, and vacuum sores from developing.  It’s struggling to understand what changed and why I’m having difficulties when I haven’t knowingly done anything differently.

It’s playing the mental game of not getting depressed from repeated setbacks, of staying optimistic as we try something new yet again, and of not falling into the trap of comparing myself to other amputees who seem to be doing better than I am.

It’s about accepting the reality of my situation and my limits (I don’t want any limits!!! But it’s not up to me obviously).  It’s about maintaining a joy for life, contentment with my situation, and a positive outlook for the future.  It is about finding emotional balance despite the ups and downs that I experience.

And sometimes it is all easier said than done.

I’ve got to tell you that the worship service that I attended last Sunday really helped me.  Several points of the message and the closing song were especially meaningful to me.  It brought tears to my eyes, thankful that I’m not facing this alone, and being reminded that God hasn’t deserted me.  That kind of knowledge strengthens me for the daily struggles that I face.

“Events in our lives sometimes leave us feeling at risk, whether it be in a job situation that calls us to take a stand, in the severe illness of a loved one, in an unexpected tragedy, or in the breakdown of a relationship.  Any of these can be a storm in which we doubt God’s goodness.  We may feel God has left us to fend for ourselves….God has never promised our lives would be empty of pain, disappointment, or storms.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is not teaching about a true walk with God.  What God does promise are resources to journey through the raging waters.” (Darrel Bock, The NIV Application Commentary—Luke, p.237-8)

I can’t say that I understand why all this is happening to me.  In fact, I usually try to avoid the “Why?” question: “Why is this happening to me?”  I’ve discovered that it is better for me to focus upon the “How?” question: “Since I’m in this situation, how am I going to make it through?” It’s focusing my attention on what I am able to do (and enjoying it), rather than upon what I am unable to do (and being miserable).

I had one friend ask this week, after finding out that I was facing yet another surgery, “When will all this end and your leg be better?”  My reply was that I didn’t know; except that I know it will be all better and I won’t have any more problems when God finally takes me home to heaven. Until then, I’m just living my life as best I can, even in the time in-between. 

Wednesday (6/6/2018):

Update:

I had my regular appointment with my Retinal Specialist today.  For the last four and a half years I have been receiving monthly injections in both eyes for macular degeneration.  Just recently, we were able to spread the injections out to every other month.  I also have diabetic retinopathy, as well as cataracts (one of the side effects of the eye medication is cataracts). When this began, I had great difficulty reading printed material, and I had very poor night vision, and very little color vision.  Over time my vision has vastly improved; but it has been a long, slow, costly process.   Each eye appointment costs between $3,000-$5,500 (the medication used in the injections is very expensive and the diagnostic equipment is pricey too), so I’ve spent quite an impressive amount to maintain my vision over the last four years.  I’m fortunate that my swelling isn’t near the optic nerve so my vision is currently pretty good; but my eyes have been resistive to treatment and so I’ve had these injections each month just to keep my vision stable.  The cost didn’t used to be so high but the cheaper medication wasn’t effective for me, so we’ve had to switch to the most expensive.  I am very thankful for good health insurance that has covered the cost.

After my eye exam today, my doctor said that the swelling was down so I could skip the eye injections this month; and my next appointment isn’t for another two months!  Wow!  That is the first time that has happened since we’ve began treatment!  That’s a good feeling!  Nothing like NOT getting stuck in the eyeball with a needle to make your day!  Ha!  Honestly when I first started getting these injections it really freaked me out and I had to work hard to stay calm.  Now, it’s become common place enough that it isn’t too bad.  But getting to skip is still a great feeling!

My vision isn’t perfect; but I am very grateful how well I can see and that I am able to read and safely drive.  And I’m VERY happy to skip a month or two of eye injections.  Hopefully this indicates a new trend for me that will only get better in time.

Friday (6/1/2018):

I had my appointment with my surgeon in Indianapolis on Wednesday (5/30).  I thought it would be a "rubber stamp" kind of appointment and then I would head down to the Cincinnati area to have a new socket made.  I’ve been getting sores on the same spot for the last few months and it appeared to be a matter of my current socket not fitting well.  Instead, after x-rays, my surgeon said that I needed surgery to correct the problem I've been having.  That was a shock!  It took me the rest of the day to get my head wrapped around that major change in my plans.

I just got the surgery scheduled for July 6^th in Indianapolis at Eskenazi Hospital.  I was hoping for something sooner; but I guess it is what it is.  Ever notice that just because we want something to be different, it doesn’t change reality?

After surgery, I’ll go home to recover and then have to make a return trip from Eau Claire, WI to Indianapolis, IN for a two-week post-op follow-up appointment.

After surgery, I'll be wheelchair bound for 3-4 weeks or so, until I can heal enough to go down to get a new socket made (another two week trip to Cincinnati, OH area).

So it looks like I'll be limited mobility for the next couple of months or so at least, and racking up some miles on the truck as I go back and forth.

This all reminds me of the quote, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". I think He got a good belly laugh out of this one.

I am grateful that this problem was identified prior to wasting a lot of time and energy spent by my prosthetist trying to fix a problem that couldn't be corrected with just getting a new socket.  Having a definite problem and clear solution is so preferable to a nebulous uncertainty leading to a lot of failed attempts.  I hate wasting time! I want to get on with life!

I had my original amputation in 12/2013.  Then I had an Ertl revision done in 9/2016.  Now this reconstruction surgery is planned for 7/2018.  On the x-ray, you can see that my tibia (the bone on the left) protrudes below the bridge.  Where it protrudes is right in the area that I keep developing sores on the bottom of my limb.  So the idea of this surgery will be to shorten the tibia so that it is more in line with the bridge, reducing that as a pressure point.

I appreciate your prayers. I have to admit that I’m frustrated that my summer will be once again spent with limited mobility.  Last summer, I was limited due to a heart issue that took months and months to figure out.  I want to be much more active and to be able to do all the things that I enjoy.  Sigh!  I’ll just have to set my sights on the fall and be content with what I can do for the time being.

Here’s a reminder for each one of us:  You have no idea what another person is going through, what struggles they must overcome, or the frustrations that they face.  Unless you live with a person, you probably don’t have a good understanding of what they face each day.  Most of us show our best side to the world when we are out and about; so you may never know what that other person is coping with at home or for the rest of the day.  So seek to be kind, understanding, and pleasant to everyone you encounter today.

Monday (5/28/2018):

I’m heading out in the morning for Indianapolis.  I have an appointment on Wednesday with the surgeon who did my amputation revision surgery.  I believe that sores I keep getting recently are due to a poor fitting socket; but I’m having the surgeon take a look at me to insure that everything is structurally sound.  No use trying to build a better socket if there is something physically wrong with my leg.  So tomorrow I’ll be driving 500 miles so I’m ready for my appointment on Wednesday.

I’ll probably spend the weekend in St. Louis visiting my brother and his wife, before heading down to the Cincinnati area to have my socket built.  I’ll stay in Cincinnati until it’s finished and I can come home with a brand new leg.  Hopefully it will only take five days or so to get it made and dialed in so I can get back home.  I’ve found that after a week and half or so that I start getting homesick and a go stir crazy in the hotel.

Things were much easier when my surgeon and prosthetist were only 15 miles away.  But during the first year after amputation (2013) I developed extremely painful nerve issues that no one in the Mayo Health Care System could fix, so I had to travel to find someone who could.  I really didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair unless I was forced to do so.  I’m thankful that Rob Pinkston steered me to Dr. Janos Ertl.  Despite the time, energy, and expense to go see both of these men; it is well worth the price. 

So in the morning, I’ll be on the road again.  I’m hoping to come back home without limits and painful issues.  It’s that time of year when I want to be out there and active, so I need to get this leg repaired/replaced and get on with life once again.

Saturday (5/26/2018)

Update:

Yesterday slammed the end of my residual limb into the floor.  Oh my, did that hurt! I elevated and iced it for the rest of the day.  I’m thankful to report that I really don’t have any swelling, pain, or discoloration today!  Whew! I think I dodged a bullet on this one!

I was babysitting my two-year old granddaughter when she declared that she urgently had to go potty.  So we raced into the bathroom trying to avoid a mess.  I didn’t have my prosthesis on and was in my wheelchair.  Trying to get her pants down quickly, I leaned over too far while sitting on the edge of the wheelchair.  It flipped over and dumped me out right on the distal end of my amputated limb. 

Despite the pain, I got her pants down and my granddaughter successfully used the toilet. Yeah! Afterwards, I was still sitting on the floor trying to get control of my emotional response and accepting the pain.  The wheelchair was tipped over on me and also caught in the doorway.  It took a bit of effort to get untangled and get the chair back upright.  As I sat on the floor still trying to catch my breath, my granddaughter told me, “PawPaw, get up!”  I was blocking the door and obviously didn’t know what to do next—she was just helping me get out of the way so she could get out and go back to playing. Ha! Ha!

Banging the end of my leg like that gave me an instant headache and upset stomach (due to pain/ adrenaline release??).  I wasn’t able to be too attentive to my granddaughter after that so my daughter came and picked her up.  I spent the rest of the day in the recliner, icing the leg and keeping it elevated.

It is amazing to me how quickly things can go from being alright to suddenly being painful and stupid.  It just takes the smallest, momentary lapse in judgment for things to abruptly go wrong.  It is shocking how much of my confidence was destroy in that fleeting moment as well.  Usually I transfer to my wheelchair and back again without a conscience thought or concern.  After tipping over, I was paranoid and was overthinking every move I made for the rest of the day.

The other time that I took a serious fall was just a few weeks after my amputation, transferring from my recliner to the wheelchair. I forgot to check the brakes and only one was set.  As I tried to sit down, the chair rolled out from under me and I went down hard.

So I guess the lesson learned is to slow down and maintain situational awareness.  Rushing leads to pain.

I ride a motorcycle and they tell you that you have to accept a greater degree of risk riding a motorcycle than you do when driving a car.  Apparently the same is true about using a wheelchair in my case!

I’m scheduled to see my surgeon and begin the process of building a new socket next week.  My socket isn’t fitting well anymore and I’m having reoccurring sore spots develop, so it’s time for an evaluation and a rebuild.  After dumping myself out onto the floor, I was worried that swelling, bruising, or pain would delay that process for a week or maybe even a month or so.  A simple fall can be extremely damaging to an amputee. Waiting, delays, and rescheduling appointments can be so emotionally draining. Thankfully, it appears that I’m still good to go. YES!!! 

Wednesday (5/9/2018):

Thought for the Day:

I started playing Words With Friends (WWF) back in 2013.  I figured it would help keep my mind sharp and active, especially when my body wasn’t cooperating with me the way I wanted.  Late last year, I started playing with someone new.  We are fairly evenly matched and every game seems like an epic struggle from start to finish.  Even if I develop a comfortable lead, this woman finds a way to scramble back on top.  It’s never easy with her.  Every game is hard fought and every victory is hard won.  It seems to me that I barely outscore her when I win; but when she wins, it seems like it’s by a landslide.  I’d swear that she has won at least two-thirds of our games together.  But then I look at the Head to Head statistics and we have both won 18 games against each other.  Our longest winning streak against each other is each three games.  And our average scores aren’t all that far apart.  So although it doesn’t feel like it to me, I’m holding my own against her.  She’s good! And a playing with her is a great challenge.  I wonder if she feels the same way about me?

As an amputee, I’ve personally found that setbacks are part of my routine.  Right now, if I do more than 3,000 steps a day, I develop a bump on the end of my residual limb. In the past, that kind of bump turned into an open wound if I kept walking on it.  So as long as I limit myself and pay close attention to how the leg is feeling, I can keep moderately active.  As a result, I probably won’t wear my prosthesis today giving time for the bump to disappear.  I really need to have a good evaluation from my prosthetist and surgeon.  I think it’s time for a new socket or a major adjustment, something isn’t fitting correctly.  I’ve also noticed that I’m getting nerve pain again, especially on the distal end of my limb.  I’ve think that I’ve tried every combination of socks and made every adjustment possible for me to do—nothing works, so it’s time to seek professional help.

And it’s springtime!  And I want to be more active than I am!  I want to go for long walks, ride my bike, and spend the entire day on my leg, without concern.  But that just isn’t happening right now for me.  By monitoring and moderating my activity things are going okay.  But I long for more.  Having limits really messes with your brain.  Honestly, I’ve got it pretty good; but knowing what it could be, it doesn’t feel that way.

I keep on remembering what my first prosthetist told me.  “Don’t just look at the current setback.  Look at the big picture and see the forward progress that you’ve made.”  When you are in the middle of a setback, things look kind of bleak.  It’s easy to get discouraged and feel down.  Instead, look back and see how far you’ve come (despite other numerous setbacks).  That should encourage you to keep your chin up and keep moving forward as best you can.  Honestly, life isn’t as bad as it may feel at this moment.  Every day you are moving closer to your next break-through where things will look better.

It all depends upon what you are focusing upon—the setbacks and failures, or the progress and the victories.  A good outlook and attitude goes a long way towards being satisfied and feeling better about whatever you are currently going through.  And it helps you get through the current low spot that you might find yourself in.

I’ve found that in playing WWF that sometimes I may have a perfect opportunity to score big; but I just don’t have the right letter tiles to pull it off.  It feels disappointing knowing I’ve missed a golden opportunity.  Oh, well! It wasn’t meant to be.  I’ve also found that I can’t pay too much attention to the score.  If I get too far behind, I’ve discovered that I my tendency is to kind of give up and play the first word that I find, instead of struggling to find the highest scoring word that I could play.  I’m never going to win if I give up before it is game over.  And often enough I’ve played amazingly high scoring words late in the game to snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat; so I should know better than to give up. 

So keep fighting!  Keep applying yourself!  Victory may still be right around the corner if you keep moving forward.  

In WWF, I’ve found that you have to play the tiles you were dealt.  Sometimes when you have all vowels or all consonants, you can’t do much.  But if you keep playing whatever you can, eventually you get new tiles and new possibilities.  So even if the hand life has dealt you isn’t the best; play it the best you can.  If you resign the game and give up, it’s a certain loss.  Struggle through and you might still lose; but you may learn a new trick or two and that makes you a better player for the next game.

 I’ve found a lot of truth and comfort in this attitude quote from Charles Swindoll. I’ve read it hundreds of times and still find that I need to be reminded of what it says.  I don’t want life to wear me down.  I want to stand firm.  And no matter what life throws at me—I plan on staying positive and enjoying it as much as possible.

Friday (5/4/2018)

Thought for the Day: 

Why?

When disaster strikes our lives, almost universally we cry out questioning, “Why did this have to happen?”  No matter what form disaster takes, it shakes our sense of well-being, and jars our perception of how the world works.  Faced with disaster, people will question the goodness of their fellow man, the fairness of life, as well as, the power and sovereignty of God.

In the perfect world that we imagine, there would be no sickness, no crime, no war, no disease, no sorrow, no hate, no violence, no accidents, no death, no suffering, no injustice, and no heartache. But that’s not the world that we live in, is it?  Inherently it seems wrong to us so we ask, “Why is life like this? Why does this happen? This isn’t fair!” We don’t want disaster to come down to random chance; we want structure and a logical explanation of why it happened as it did.  And from a human standpoint, life often just doesn’t make sense and the answers we come up don’t quite satisfy.

At times, even people of faith begin to wonder what’s going on.  “Why did God let this happen?”  “How could a supposedly all-powerful, loving God allow this to take place?”  From my Christian faith, I firmly believe that God is all-loving, all-powerful, all-wise, and all-knowing.  I believe that He is still at work today and could intervene in any situation that He chooses.  I have to admit that I wish that He would intervene more often than He does and do things the way I think that they should be done.  But He doesn’t. And undoubtedly that is ultimately for the better.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

Although I often don’t understand, I can trust that God does.  I may not like what He does and how He chooses; but I accept that from my limited, finite human perspective, I may never understand.  All I can do is trust Him.

This is how I think about it.  My two-year old granddaughter does not like to be told, “No!”  A two-year old doesn’t understand why running into the street, touching a hot stove, or sticking a fork into an electrical outlet is bad.  Kids don’t understand why bedtimes, or eating your vegetables and limiting candy are important to your health.  A teenager may not like or understand the rules and limits that are placed upon them, so they chafe and rebel.  But a parent’s most important job is not to make their child happy.  It’s to keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into responsible, productive adults.  It’s a tough job!  And sometimes it is a thankless job!  And most of the time, the kid just doesn’t understand—no matter how hard you try to explain it.

I remember as a kid praying for sunny, blue-sky days so I could play outdoors only to be disappointed when it turned out to be dark and stormy.  If I had my way, the crops in the fields would have all shriveled up and died, farmers would have gone bankrupt, and the world gone hungry.  I’m glad that God doesn’t answer every one of my prayers.  The world would be so much more messed up!

For the most part, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t ask, “Why?” or question, “What in the world is God doing?”  I just trust that He’s looking out for me and that He has a plan.  I realize that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my happiness.  I’ll take whatever happiness I can get; but I understand that in the big picture of things that isn’t God’s ultimate goal.

“Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. You show steadfast love to thousands…”  Jeremiah 32:17-18a ESV

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.” Psalm 147:3-5 ESV

“For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NAS

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5 ESV

When things go wrong or turn ugly, I’m thankful that I have a faith that keeps me anchored in the storm.  It gives me perspective and it gives me hope for better days ahead (either now or in eternity).