Wednesday (8/26/2015)

Update:

I got a call this morning from Mayo in Rochester that my appointment for tomorrow's ultrasound and nerve block on my leg is cancelled. It's be rescheduled for September 25.

Very disappointed to have to wait another month in my search for a solution to walk again. Fall is my favorite time of year. Looks like I'll be wheelchair bound through it. Sigh!!!

The late notice for the appointment cancelling is really unacceptable. The new appointment showed up online five days ago. I thought it was a follow up appointment that had been added, not a replacement. So somebody knew about it days ago but they didn't call to let me know until the day before. My wife had all of her clients for Thursday moved to other days. This really has caused a lot of work for her secretaries and with such late notice her workday tomorrow won't be filled now. I guess I should be happy that they called at all and we didn't make the two hour trip for nothing.

My computer died today as well, so it's been a frustrating day. Oh well. Looking for a better tomorrow!

x

Tuesday (8/25/2015)

Update:

Last Thursday, I had a consultation at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester concerning the hypersensitive nerve in my residual limb.  When a doctor there says he’s only seen one case similar to mine before—well that makes me “quite special.”  I’d rather be a boring, “we’ve seen 100’s of people like you before” kind of medical issue.  But despite all that, he came up with a plan.  This Thursday (8/27), I return to Rochester to have a specialized ultrasound done on my leg and then have a nerve block on the affected nerve.  I asked if I could have it done in Eau Claire (10 miles from home instead of 100) but was told that there are only two doctors capable of performing this procedures and both work in Rochester.  So okay then, I’m headed back across the river on Thursday.

At my consult last week, the doctor noted that the affected nerve at the end of my stump was enlarged and he could actually feel it with his fingers all the way up past my knee.  Of course all of his poking and prodding was necessary but hurt terribly.  And he “woke the sleeping dragon.”  Since I’ve stopped wearing my prosthesis months ago, the nerves had calmed down and I rarely had any pain in the leg.  Since that appointment last Tuesday, I’ve had some serious nerve and phantom pain.  The worst day was when it felt like someone was using pliers to pull my toe nails out of the non-existing foot.  You just can’t have much more fun than that!  Wow!

If the nerve block works, the plan is to build a new prosthesis for me from scratch.  This one will be radically different from the others I’ve had.  It will be made so that I carry most of my weight up on the thigh.  I’ll have a fairly normal looking prosthesis below the knee.  But hinged brackets will go up each side of the knee and attached to a thigh lacer (like a corset).  Bigger and bulkier than anything that I’ve had before, but if it gets me back to walking it will be worth it.

One of the dangers of considering this nerve block procedure is that it may not only stop the pain but may cause my entire leg to become numb.  That’s dangerous because I won’t be able to feel if something is rubbing or causing skin breakdown.  If you feel that you have a pebble in your shoe, you stop and clean it out before it causes a blister or a sore.  If you don’t have any feeling in your foot, lots of damage could be done before you discover that anything is wrong.  For me, that might mean more surgeries, another amputation, or just being off the leg for a month or two to let it heal again.  I asked the doctor about this potential risk.  He replied that it was either try this procedure and manage the risk as best we can, OR plan to stay in the wheelchair and not walk again.  I’m electing to take the risk and hopefully get to walk again. 

I’ve got to say that I’m apprehensive about it all.  I really don’t know that much about what’s going to happen.  I don’t know what limits the new prosthesis might have.  Everything is up in the air until they go in and determine exactly how far up the nerve is irritated/damaged.  One of the things that most amputees have to deal with is decision making without knowing all the facts.  No matter how much research that you do and how many doctors you’ve consulted, with the human body and your unique situation, you never really know what is going to happen and how things will turn out.  People considering elective amputation understand this all too well.  They may have had dozens of surgeries on their foot/ankle/leg and been in pain for years before an amputation is recommended.  There are a lot of unknowns when faced with this decision.  I know what life is like now and I can guess at how this might improve my life; but I will never really know until I have the procedure done.  Only afterwards can I really effectively determine if this procedure was the right thing to do.  If you choose incorrectly at the barbershop when trying a new hairstyle, at least you know if you hate it that your hair will grow out and your can fix it in a few weeks; but an amputee faces decisions that are often irreversible.  These decisions are made on the best available information; but what works for one person may not work for another.  It’s a bit like playing high stakes poker.  You have to decide your course of action by looking at the cards that you’ve been dealt.  That’s all you can do and hope for the best!  So I’m praying for wisdom for me and the doctors as we feel our way forward.  I’m hoping to find improvement and get back to walking.

With my lower back pain and sciatic nerve issues, riding in a car has not been an easy thing.  The ten minute drive to Eau Claire is tolerable now; but last week’s drive to Rochester and back (just over two hours each way) laid me low for a couple of days afterwards with pain.  Last time, we went down the evening before and returned home the next day so I had some time in between to help loosen my back up.  This time we are going there and back all in the same day--I’m not looking forward to this return trip because of that.

On a positive note, I had follow up testing and a doctor’s appointment yesterday (8/24) concerning the kidney surgery that I had done in June.  My right kidney wasn’t draining properly and so I had reconstructive surgery done.  I was so glad to hear that right kidney is working well again.  Tests indicate that is draining well and the swelling in the kidney has gone down considerably.  That was good news to get! 

Thought for the Day: 

How well do you deal with the unknown?  How do you handle worry and anxiety?  Let’s face it; most of the stuff we worry about will never happen.  It is silly to get all worked up over nothing.  On the other hand, there are some things that we should be worried about—things that are serious and staring us straight in the face.  What strategies have you found to help you deal with the stress of those situations?

As a believer in God and Jesus Christ, I put my trust in Him.  I may not have all the answers and know all the details about what is going to happen; but He does.  I may be impotent and unable to change the outcome of what is transpiring around me; but He is not.   The world, circumstances, and fate all may be stacked against me; but God is for me.

On scripture passage that I memorized long ago is 1 Peter 5:7  “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

I had trouble remembering this verse, so I came up with a visualized memory clue.  When I would hear the scripture reference: 1 Peter 5:7, I made a casting motion like I was fishing and made the sound of the line going out and the bobber hitting the water—“ZZzzzz plop!”  That’s what we are supposed to do with the things that make us anxious.  We aren’t supposed to hang on to them.  We are to give them to God through prayer.  Let Him have them.  Give them to Him to deal with.  Cast all of our anxiety upon Him because we know that He cares.

Think about a lazy summer day of fishing at the pond.  It is one of those days when you don’t really even want to catch a fish.  You just need to get away and unwind.  Find a tree and put your back up against it and relax.  Once you throw the line in the water, you close your eyes and forget about the world and if you are lucky, you fall asleep and take a restful nap. 

That’s the picture that this verse reminds me of.  Let go of my anxiety--not because I am ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t exist; but because I’ve done the best possible thing with stuff that worries me.   ZZzzzz plop!  I’ve casted my anxiety onto God for Him to deal with them for me.

Now there is another picture of fishing that is the opposite of this kind of restful repose.  I remember as a kid throwing the line out and watching the bobber.  After a few minutes of inactivity, I couldn’t let it alone.  I had to wind the line back in and check the bait.  “Maybe I threw the bait off when I cast my line.  Maybe a fish nibbled my bait and I didn’t notice.  Maybe….”  As a kid, I did this over and over.  The poor fish never had a chance to take the bait because I couldn’t leave it alone.

Instead of casting my cares upon God and leaving them with Him; I let my anxiety get the best of me and had to reel my problems back in so I could look at them again.  That’s the natural response; but it doesn’t produce peace.  I’ve come to realize that my worrying about a problem never solves it—so I might as well cast my anxiety upon God and let Him deal with.  Relax. Trust. Rest.  Now that is my kind of fishing!

Wednesday (8/12/2015)

Update:

Wheelchair:  I finally received my new wheelchair today!  My old one was loaned to me by a family member and it was old and I wore it out.  It has taken a long time to get approval from my insurance company for the chair. I started this process in December 2014.  I will say that other than for this item, my insurance company has been fairly easy to work with and has treated me well.  I think that part of the problem in getting their approval for this is that they had already purchased a prosthetic limb for me, so why did I need a wheelchair too?  Because of other medical issues, I am not supposed to hop, use crutches or a walker, so if my leg is off, I need a wheelchair.  I’ve had trouble wearing my prosthesis because of a hypersensitive nerve, so I’ve been in the wheelchair a lot since the first of the year and in it full-time since March/April.  Even before the nerve issue, I used my chair every morning and evening around the house.  My amputated leg is taking a lot longer to grow back than I thought it would J (smiley face), so I think I will be using a chair for the rest of my life. 

I basically got an identical version of my old chair except that my new chair has improved back support.  I think that part of my on-going back problem has been because of spending too much time in the old chair which had a standard back which offers no real support to the lower back.  My new chair has adjustable tension in the back which helps my posture while sitting in the chair and feels so good!  One of the reasons I got an identical chair is because I’m used to my current model and I knew that I could maintain my independence with it.  I’m able to wheel myself up and down the ramp to my house and load the wheelchair in the truck by myself even without a prosthetic limb.  Anyway, I couldn’t be happier with my new wheels.

My daughter, Ruth, and her husband were out at Yellowstone National Park with his family recently.  She got me a patch to sew on the back of my wheelchair.  It’s a highway warning sign that says “Grizzly Bear Crossing.”  My family’s nickname for me is ‘The Great Bear’ (TGB for short), so this is a very appropriate way to customize my new wheels!  I love it!

Back Pain/Sciatic Pain:  This past Monday (8/10), I received another steroid injection in four facet joints in my lower back.  The last time I had this done, I was basically pain free in my back for over six weeks.  I’m hoping to get the same kind of results from this treatment.  It takes up to a week for the steroids to fully kick in; but I’ve already noticed a decrease in back pain.  YES!!!  I’m hoping that I can severely reduce the amount of pain medication that I am currently taking to be able to sleep at night.  Unfortunately, the injections are not very effective for my sciatic nerve pain.  The last time it dulled the pain at least, which helped. I’ll take whatever relief I can get.   When I sit for too long, I get a strong, intense pain in my left posterior.  It feels like I am sitting on a walnut (or something similar) that is putting pressure on the leg bone.  Obviously that isn’t very comfortable and I can only endure it for so long.  Fortunately moving to the recliner or lying in bed reduces the pain.  So if I can wiggle and re-arrange it’s not so bad.  The amount of time that I can sit without pain varies, but usually I start feeling it after only about 30 minutes and the longer I sit, the stronger the pain becomes.   I’ve also been going to physical therapy for several weeks.  That along with the stretching exercises she prescribed seems to be helping as well.  Hopefully the sciatic pain can be minimized as well as the back pain.  Unfortunately, according to the pain clinic doctor, steroid injections work well on back pain but are minimally effective on sciatic pain.  I’m not certain what can help the sciatic nerve pain.

Referral to Rochester:  And then there is the hypersensitive nerve in the end of my residual limb.  With me, if it is not one thing, it’s another!!!  I am not able wear my prosthesis because of the intense pain that it produces.  My medical team here in Eau Claire is referring me to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for evaluation.  Hopefully they can come up with some solution that will get me walking again.  Rochester is about 2 ½ hour drive from my home.  My first evaluation is scheduled for early morning next Tuesday (8/18).  My medical team here has run out of ideas, nothing we’ve tried has helped, the pain just continued to intensify over time.  The last time I tried to put on my prosthesis, I couldn’t even force myself to stand up and put any weight on the leg because the pain was so bad.  I am supposed to bring my prosthesis with me to the appointment in Rochester—I am NOT looking forward to donning my leg so they can see what is happening.  My team here suggested that I might be stuck in the wheelchair for up to a year while the bruised nerve heals.  I really am hoping for some simple solution that can get me walking again soon.  The odds probably aren’t in my favor that a quick and easy solution is available, otherwise my medical team here would have suggested it; but I’m praying that these guys know something that my hometown guys don’t!  I am also apprehensive about the long drive over to Rochester because on most days the 10-15 minute drive to Eau Claire sets off the sciatic nerve pain.  This 2½ hour drive may be more than I can take.  Once again, I am using the word, HOPEFULLY.  Hopefully, I can enjoy the drive over with my wife and I can enjoy the scenery and the time together without major sciatic pain.  The timing of the facet injection I just had is perfect if it is going to give me any relief.

Getting Active Again:  Overall I have enjoyed the last couple of weeks because I was able to resume going to the gym to workout.  I’ve been lifting weights three times per week and swimming laps once per week.  Surprisingly, the swimming has caused me the most back pain.  Since it isn’t load bearing I would have assumed that swimming would be a pain-free form of exercise.  However that hasn’t been the case.  Maybe with this facet injection, swimming won’t hurt the back as much now.  Being in the wheelchair at the gym does have its challenges.  Many of the machines are set close together.  Some rows are narrower than others and I cannot get my wheelchair down it.  I have to plan my route to squeeze my chair up next to the machine I want.  Sometimes the next machine I want is only 2 or 3 places down the row, but I have to circle all the way around the room to find a path wide enough for my chair to fit through to get to it.  I get a workout just getting to the machines to work out!  At the end of my session, I’m tired and sweaty, my muscles are worn out, and it feels good to be active!  There is real satisfaction in getting a good workout in!  I know it is good for my physically; but it is GREAT for me mentally!  I get out of the house and I am challenged to work hard!  I am very grateful for my gym membership and the freedom I have to go do that on my own.  It would be much harder on me mentally to be stuck at home doing nothing.  I do wish I was able to get out and walk and ride my bicycle during this beautiful summer we are having; but I am content being able to do what I am doing.  I’ve been able to resume limited grocery shopping and other errands as well.  Being able to drive myself to some of my medical appointments is helpful as well.

Thought for the Day:  

At church last Sunday, the pastor preached from the Old Testament book of Exodus about Israel wandering in the wilderness for forty years.  It was a time of testing and character development for the nation.  They had some hard lessons to learn about patience, trust, and obedience.  Unfortunately, they often failed the test.  They lost faith in God and in His provision.  They grumbled and they complained because things weren’t perfect and as easy as they wished they were.  They lost sight of the future hope and goal; instead they kept looking back to “the good old days” of slavery which weren’t really all that good!  It was amazing how short their memory was.  Sometimes within a day or two of seeing God miraculously supply their needs, they would be back to grumbling and complaining about some need they had.  They often took their anger and frustration out on their leader, Moses, blaming him for every little thing that went wrong.   I understand that not having water to drink or food to eat in the desert is a very serious issue; but all they needed to do was turn to God in prayer.  It should have been pretty obvious by now that God was more than able to provide for them in the midst of the current crisis; but inevitably they developed a bad attitude.  They grumbled.  They complained.  They were mean to Moses who was doing everything he could to serve them.  But they didn’t see it that way.  Things weren’t going as smoothly as they wanted.  Their every need wasn’t met BEFORE they realized that they had a need.  They accused Moses of being a terrible leader and insisted that they were better off before Moses rescued them from slavery!  They became ‘drama queens’ where everything was worse than it truly was.  “Their lives were over.  They were going to die.  There was no hope of rescue.  Everything was worse than it had ever been before.”  Boy, talk about being extremely near-sighted! 

Yes, their problems were real.  But the problem they fixated upon really wasn’t the problem.  Their problem was their attitude about what was going on.  Their problem was lack of faith and trust in God.  Their problem was always looking for someone to blame.  Their attitude made a difficult or uncomfortable position impossible.

At the end of the service, I leaned over to my wife and said, “I hope I am not going to be lost in the wilderness of Mayo (the health system where I get care) for the next 40 years!”  I was thinking about the struggle it’s been trying to find answers to my on-going health issues.  She was thinking about a different facet and said, “Your attitude through all of this has been excellent.  You very rarely complain and whine.”  That made me feel good to know that is how she saw my response to my life for the last couple of years, although I know that sometimes, internally my attitude wasn’t as good and I’ve had to work at it.

I don’t know what trials and testing you are undergoing; but I do know that you cannot lose hope.  You have to continue to trust in God.  Respond in faith rather than in grumbling, complaining, and blaming others.  We need to act like we are faithful believers rather than those who have no hope in God.  Yeah, the path you’re on might be dark and scary.  It may seem like the world is falling apart all around you.  But if you’ve got God by your side, you’re never really alone and without the resources that you truly need.  Instead of railing against and complaining about your boss and your work situation, calmly turn it all over to God.  Continue to trust in Him while you do your job to the best of your ability, giving honor to those in authority over you because God’s word commands us to be those kinds of people.  If you think about it, all too often we live as if we are functional atheists instead of believers in God Almighty.  No matter what trial and testing you are facing: trust, obey, and faithfully look to God.

Saturday (7/25/2015)

Update:

On Thursday, my primary doctor made some changes to my medications that have really helped reduce my pain and allow me to get a much better night’s rest.  That means two things.  I am able to sit in my wheelchair for longer periods of time and not have to go lay down to relieve the pain as often; as well as reducing the need that I had for taking naps throughout the day.  Whew!  That’s much better!

I’ve got another appointment scheduled with the Pain Clinic on August 10^th.  Back in June I had a facet injection (steroid injected into the facet joint of the spine) that relieved 90-95% of my back pain and significantly reduced the sciatic nerve pain too.  June’s injection has worn off and now that the surgeon has removed my post-op restrictions, I’m going back for more treatment.  I don’t know if it will happen this visit or not, but my doctor at the pain clinic had talked about a more long lasting treatment called radio frequency lesioning.  Sign me up!  I might have to have another injection or two before they perform the radio frequency treatment.  Reduction in pain means a reduction in pain medications as well.  I look forward to that!

I just got word yesterday that my insurance company has finally approved my new wheelchair.  The one I’ve been using is borrowed, old and worn out.  I need a new one and it needs improved back support (I think part of my back problem is due to sitting in the wheelchair so much since having trouble with my prosthesis).  This has been a long process.  I first talked with my doctor last December and then had a wheelchair evaluation in January.  Since then it has been one delay and rejection after another by the insurance company.  Now almost eight months later, it is approved!  Yeah!  I should have my new chair in a few weeks now.  It won’t be too different from the one I currently have but it will be mine, brand new, and set up for me specifically.

I’ve slowly begun to exercise again.  After sitting in the chair doing nothing for almost three months (under doctor’s orders), I’m taking it easy so I don’t hurt myself.  Wouldn’t that be awful if I pulled a muscle or tore something at this point!  I’ve finally started doing some stretching exercises that my physical therapist gave me right before my surgery.  I have another appointment with her on Monday.  Now that I have been cleared by the surgeon, I should have a series of PT appointments in the next few weeks to see if they can help ease my pain. 

As long as I’m not under the influence of narcotic pain relievers I can drive again. So I might have some times when I cannot drive; but overall I’ve regained my freedom!!!!  I had put my gym membership on hold for June and July, so on August 1^st I can head back to the gym to swim and lift some weights.  I really look forward to do that!!! 

I haven’t heard back from my surgeon yet about treatment or referrals concerning the hypersensitive nerve in my residual limb.  Right now, I’m on hold with my prosthetic limb.  I cannot wear it, nor can I have my prosthetist try to build a new leg for me.  I’ve got to let the nerve in my leg heal; and that might be a year-long process.   I’m going to rack up some serious wheelchair time unless they come up with some surprise fix that they haven’t thought of yet! 

I really am feeling the best that I have in months.  I’m feeling so good that I’m planning to go to church in the morning.  I’ve felt so poorly that I haven’t been for the last seven weeks.  I’m looking forward to going!  Things seemed to have turned around for me and it is a whole lot easier to maintain a positive attitude!  I deeply appreciate your prayers and well-wishes for me.

Tuesday (7/21/2016)

Update:

Yesterday I had the stent removed from my right ureter.  It went smoothly and was relatively pain-free.  I felt fine afterwards especially when the doctor said that my restrictions were lifted.  Nice!  Now I can begin the process of regaining my strength after sitting in the wheelchair for almost three months while ordered not to exercise.

My brother was up from St. Louis for an extra-long weekend.  He kept me busy and I enjoyed his company.  I even went grocery shopping for the first time in about 10 weeks.  It was nice to get out but I still had limited stamina.  Usually I was forced home and back in bed to relieve the back pain I had after sitting in the wheelchair for an hour or two.  With the storm Friday night causing all the tree damage in my town and on my street, we had lots of “entertainment” getting to watch work crew clean up the mess.  My street was blocked for several hours and the power was down from early morning until 9 p.m. on Saturday.  Thankfully no one was injured.  It was great seeing neighbor helping neighbor as people pitched in to get things cleaned up.  Who says that Fall Creek is boring on the weekends?

I also got word back from lab that my liver is now back to normal.  I’ll undergo continued tests as they keep an eye on it for a while; but that is a relief.  I don’t know what this will mean long-term for my pain reliever use; but I am hoping I can get something besides the narcotics so I have more options (Everything else was taken away to relieve stress on the liver).  Obviously I won’t be able to drive if I am taking narcotics for pain.  I don’t like that potential limit, so I’m hoping for something to reduce my pain levels without narcotics.

Later this week, I have an appointment with my primary physician to discuss these pain management options.  I’m hoping that I will be given the okay to return to the pain clinic for another treatment for my back pain.  Almost all of my pain comes from my lower back and sciatic nerve in the left leg. Everything was put on hold while I healed after surgery and stressed my liver.  Things are starting to look like I will be able to move forward and make some progress now.  I also get to return to physical therapy to see if that will help relief my symptoms.

So August looks like it will be a busy month with plenty of medical appoints…that’s pretty standard now (I average two medical appointments per week).  Thankfully I appear to be moving forward again.   I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to regain some of my life and the things that I like to do.   I am feeling better than I have for several months—I’m thank for that!!!

Thursday (7/16/2015)

Update:

It has been awhile since I’ve posted an update.  It has been a rough recovery time for me following kidney surgery.  During that time the doctors also found that my liver was struggling, so they changed all my medications to ease the stress on it.  Unfortunately, I had reactions to some of the new medications they put me on that put me back in the hospital for an additional six days.  Without giving TMI, I’ve also had almost continuous bowel issues (just think extremes on both ends of the spectrum) since the surgery/med changes.  For the last month the only place outside the house that I’ve gone to is the hospital ER/doctor visits.  I haven’t felt well enough or strong enough to go anywhere else, including church on Sundays.  Fortunately, I am beginning to feel better.  I might try a few short outings.  I don’t have much energy yet, so I’ll be picking and choosing.

On Monday (7/20), I have a post-op follow up appointment with my Urologist.  Hopefully, my restrictions will be removed so that I can drive and exercise, etc. if I feel up to it.  I need to begin to rebuild my strength and stamina.  All I have been doing for the last two months is sitting in the wheelchair, the recliner, or lying in bed.  I am really looking forward to resuming life again.

I had an appointment with the surgeon who did my below the knee amputation (12/2013) about the painful nerve on the end of my residual limb.  The pain is what stopped me from wearing a prosthesis and walking for the last several months.  After examining me, he told me that he didn’t know it was but it wasn’t the neuroma that it was assumed to be.  So much for a fairly simple surgery to repair it and move on.  He said that although he’s dealt with 100’s of amputations, he has never seen anything like what I have before.  He was going to do some research and consult other surgeons about it.  He may refer me to specialists over in Rochester, MN (hometown of the Mayo Health System).  Right now, there is no surgical option or quick fix.  He said that it is obvious that the nerve was bruised and the only thing we may be able to do is give time for it to heal.  The doctor said that nerves heal about 1 cm per month.  From the amount of painful area that I have, that could mean 8-12 months for it to completely heal.  Anything that I do to bump, bruise or reinjure it resets the clock.  The bottom line is that I might be stuck in the wheelchair for the next year before my leg is healed enough to enable me to wear a prosthesis again.  That is sobering news!  I am hoping that the doctors will still find some easy fix and I can move on with my life; but I am mentally preparing for the long haul.

I’ve got to say that spending the year in the wheelchair isn’t my idea of having fun.  There are a lot of things that I will miss out on without the ability to walk.  On the other hand, if I am able to drive and get around by myself as I have in the past with my wheelchair, then it would be bearable.  One of the things that I really want to do is start going back to the gym to work out and to swim.

So there is still a lot of “wait and see” that I am facing.  Is my kidney/ureter healed enough for me to resume life?  Is my liver returning to health?  Will there be any options to repair my residual limb or will I just have to wait it out?  I’m also on hold waiting for another facet injection or treatment to reduce my back pain.  I am still “fighting” with my insurance company over purchasing a wheelchair for me (I’ve been borrowing the one I have and it’s time to give it back).  With medication changes that were made, I don’t have anything for minor or moderate pain.  All I have is narcotics for major pain.  Not having options is a major pain in itself.  I haven’t been sleeping at night.  That has been driving me crazy.  I could go on and on and on; but you get the idea.

The only thing constant in all of this has been my faith in God and the devotion of my wife to me.  I don’t know where all of this is headed.  I don’t know what will happen next.  It seems like eventually I will start to get good news and have some things go right for a change.  Perhaps it will and perhaps it won’t.  I cannot change my circumstances, and I don’t have any control over my health and vitality.  The only thing that I have control over is my attitude—I plan on it remaining positive no matter what I face and how long it takes.  If you think about it, what other options do I have?  I could rage against the injustice OR I could be depressed and become bitter.  NOPE!  I think a positive attitude of hope and faith no matter my circumstances is a much better option.  That way whatever happens to me, I will be a better person for it.

Whatever you are facing, I’d encourage you to choose the attitude you want to have.  You might as well make the best out of what life has dealt you too.

Wednesday (7/1/2015)

Thought for the Day:

Psalm 119: 71  “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.”

Psalm 119:75  “I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.”

Randy Alcorn writes, “If it was good for the psalmist to be afflicted, then for God to send that affliction would be to send good, wouldn’t it?  To withhold that affliction would be to withhold good.  My friend David O’Brien told me that God used his cerebral palsy to draw him to depend upon Christ.  Is he better off?  He’s convinced that he is.  His seventy-five years of suffering are no cosmic accident or satanic victory, but severe mercy from the good hand of God.  I haven’t met many people more convinced of God’s goodness than David O’Brien.  He’s experienced a lifetime of serious afflictions that many consider senseless evil, but David sees them as tools in the hands of a good God. [If God is Good, Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil].

I then read in Richard Carlson’s book, “The root of being uptight is our unwillingness to accept life as being different, in any way, from our expectations. Very simply, we want things to be a certain way but they’re not a certain way.  Life is simply as it is….  The first step in recovering from over seriousness is to admit that you have a problem.  You have to want to change to become more easygoing.  You have to see that your own uptightness is largely of your own creation—it’s composed of the way you have set up your life and the way you react to it.  The next step is to understand the link between your expectations and your frustration level.  Whenever you expect something to be a certain way and it isn’t, you’re upset and you suffer.  On the other hand, when you let go of your expectations, when you accept life as it is, you’re free.” [Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, and it’s all small stuff].

As I thought about what I had read and about what I know about God, it really made sense.  My afflictions (for me these are medical issues, for you it might be a multitude of things) are intended by God to bring about good in my life.  If my continued problems are the tools that God uses to work in my life, to strengthen my faith, to draw me closer to God, then why would I object to them?  In fact, if they are good for me, then if God refused to allow them to happen to me, I would be getting less than all the goodness God desired to bestow up me.  That’s an entirely different viewpoint from what we usually have concerning afflictions.

You probably understand how easy it is to wander away from God.  It’s not planned; but over time, your relationship cools, you don’t spend as much meaningful time in reading the bible and in praying, your feel a separation growing between you.  When things are going well in my life, I find myself easily becoming complacent.  If I’ve got a good income, a happy family, and my health (my basic needs are met), what more do I really need?  A stress-free life rarely incites a hunger for God and you rarely see Him at work in your life.  On the other hand, difficulties, affliction, turmoil, pain and suffering strip away this sense of satisfied well-being.  It is at these times when we cry out to God more frequently and we spend more time seeking Him.  When we come to the point of accepting what our new reality is and let go of our unrealistic expectations, when we learn to confidently trust in Him despite our circumstance, then peace can begin to flood our souls.

This doesn’t mean that we give up and don’t seek to overcome our affliction; but it means that we aren’t as frantic and panicked if it doesn’t happen (or happen as quickly as we might like).  My desire is for God to restore my health to me and allow me to enjoy my life doing the things that I want to do most.  Maybe that will happen.  Maybe it won’t.  If I remain the same (or even grow worse), yes, I’ll be disappointed but I will not despair.  For I am certain that God is at work in me. 

One way of thinking about this is to ask yourself the question, “Is God enough?”  If I have God and lose everything else that I think makes up the good life, would God be enough?  It is one thing to say that when it is all blue skies, butterflies and cuddly puppies.  It is quite another when plank after plank of the life you’ve built is ripped away from you.

As painful as it has been, I am grateful to say that at this point in my life, I will confirm that God is enough.  I might find greater affliction ahead and more things stripped from my grasp, but I hope to continue to say, God alone is enough!

Job 13:15    “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;”