Saturday (8/30/2014)

Update:

I decided to make a video instead of writing an update.  I hope you enjoy seeing a little slice of my life.

Friday (8/29/2014)

Update & Thought:

I’m settling back down into my routine again.  It’s been good to be home as well as get back to work.  This evening (Friday) after work, I need to get on the floor and exercise for an hour and get my clothes ironed for Sunday.

Walking has been going well.  After being in the wheelchair for over three weeks, I felt a little less steady and confident on my legs at first.  Now that I have been walking again for the last week, I recognized yesterday that my gait is returning to normal.  It is kind of hard to explain but I have begun centering my weight over my prosthesis when I walk.  When you first get a prosthetic leg, you tend to walk with your legs spread apart for balance.  Over time you return to a more normal pattern with your legs closer together.  So in the beginning you tend to sway a bit side-to-side as you transfer you weight from one leg to the other.  Over time, as the legs move closer together that swaying is minimized.  I noticed yesterday that I’m walking more naturally than I was.  Hopefully it looks more natural and any limp is less noticeable.  I find that stairs are still more of a challenge to me and I take them more deliberately and not naturally.  Over time I assume that will smooth out too.

As a result of walking with my legs closer together, it’s time to go back to the prosthetist to get my ankle adjusted.  Since the angle of my ankle is set and locked into place, as my legs move closer together, I walk more on the outside edge of my foot.  So they have to loosen some set screws and realign my leg and ankle according to how I am walking now.  It is really rather amazing the system that God built into our legs: joints supplying flexibility, muscles to move them, tendons to hold them steady, and a brain to control all of the movement to make walking or standing possible.  We don’t really notice all the micro adjustments that our ankles make to keep up upright and steady.  We were marvelously created!  And I am thankful for human ingenuity to replicate the parts that I’ve lost.  They don’t work as well as the original equipment but they do a good job providing a great approximation.  And I am grateful for what I’ve got.

All the exercise, all the practice, and all the energy I spend is so that I can regain as much function as possible to return to a “normal” life.  We all face challenges that we need to overcome; amputees just face an added layer of challenges that “normal” two-legged people (or two-armed, depending on your amputation) don’t have to think about.  Some people are math-challenged.  Some are technology-challenged.  Others are socially awkward.  I just happen to be mobility-challenged.  Whatever challenges we face; we need to work at them so that we are overcomers and not just quietly accepting our fate, “That is just the way I am.”  There are some limits that currently cannot be changed (paralysis and some illnesses for instance) in our current level of medical expertise; but even then there are a number of things we can do to improve ourselves and continue to enjoy a productive life.

So get involved in your own life.  Seek solutions or work around obstacles that you encounter.  Stretch beyond your comfort zone and seek to constantly be growing and developing.  Don’t merely exist; embrace life and your future.  Don’t be content and satisfied with how your life is currently going.  Set goals and work towards reaching them.  Some days will be tougher than others, so if you need to take a pause to rest and refocus do that; but don’t sit down and give up.  Keep striving.  Keep moving forward.  Inch by inch.  Step by step.  Mile after mile.  Life is a journey—so get moving!

Philippians 3:12-14  “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” 

Thursday (8/28/2014)

Update:

I had a wonderful time on vacation visiting my brother, various cousins, and some of my best friends from high school over the last ten days.  Three things that I am very thankful for as I returned home. #1—Wisconsin weather:  While I was in St. Louis the weather hovered in the upper 90’s with high humidity most days.  Even early in the morning it would be in the mid to upper 80’s.  What a relief to come home to temperatures in the 70’s.  #2—My bathroom:  Although my bathroom at home is small, it works well for me.  I stayed in three different homes while I was gone and none of them had doors wide enough for me to get my wheelchair into the bathroom.  For the first few days I was wheelchair bound, so it was very inconvenient.  I eventually used my walker; but that wasn’t without risk and difficulties as well.  I fell once at my brother’s home and had several other close calls.  It is so nice to be home where I have grab bars, a tall toilet with side rails, and a bathroom door wide enough for me to roll in close enough to everything I need.  So I’ve gained a greater appreciation for what I’ve got.  #3—My wife: she stayed home so I missed not having breakfast with her every morning and seeing her each day.  I had a great time in MO but I’m glad to be back to see her!

When I visited my Creel cousin’s I stayed at Rick and Marcy’s home.  They have a couple of smaller dogs who were VERY interested in sniffing my prosthesis, my wheelchair, etc.  When it was time for bed, I pulled my prosthesis off, and rolled the silicone liner off my leg and at that point the dogs rushed into the room.  The terrier rushed up to sniff my bare left leg. It made an awful face and backed away quickly, shaking its head and sneezing trying to get rid of my scent.   I believe it was thinking, “Eww! Gross!”  When dogs think you don’t smell good I guess that’s a good reason for me to wash my leg every night!  This was also the first visit that I’ve ever made to see my cousins outside of family funerals in over 20 years.  I figured since I was coming to visit, they were wondering, “Who died?”

My brother has a membership at a local gym, although he hasn’t been consistently going recently.  He got a temporary membership for me. Almost every day, I went and worked out for about an hour and forty minutes.  The first few days I was still confined to my wheelchair, so I would roll up to a machine and then transfer over and then back when I was finished.  After I could wear my prosthesis again, it made using the equipment much easier.  I enjoyed working some muscles that I really cannot do effectively at home.  The variety in my routine was greatly appreciated.  I’ve decided to check out the local gyms here in Eau Claire and see what they have to offer.  If I find one that will meet my needs, I hope to get a membership here. 

At the gym, three times I had different guys come up to me and tell me that I was an inspiration to them (I felt all hot and sweaty so I figured I would be a perspiration to them--LOL).  I guess to them my level of desperation and determination to get fit are more rarely seen—too many people give up and make excuses why they cannot do something rather than choose to figure out how they can get it done.  I usually replied that “Although I haven’t been working out all that long that part of my body had already responded to the exercise.” At that point I would rap on my prosthesis and say, “See, this is rock solid!” That usually produced some good laughs.  My brother bought me a shirt to wear at the gym that says, “Freak Show.”  I found it very funny and proudly wore it working out.

I got to visit the Bergbrader family while I was in the St. Louis area.  Jeff was the youth pastor at my church in Fall Creek for many years and we were good friends and hunting partners.  He and his family moved back to St. Louis three years ago to be closer to their families.  It was really good to reconnect with them and see everybody, including Jeff’s mom, Janna & Derek Herbison (and Emma), and the boyfriends of the girls.

I reconnected with some of my best friends from high school.  We figured out that we haven’t seen each other since 1977 or 1978.  Wow!  Time flies!  Usually I went home for a short period and just spent time with my immediate family.  This time I What I found interesting is that even after so long of separation, I felt like I still knew them because their personalities hadn’t changed.  I knew exactly what buttons to push to tease them—which probably indicates that my personality hasn’t changed in all these years either.  Gulp!

Thought for the Day:

I traveled through Ferguson, MO on the interstate to get to my brother’s home.  He lives about 20 miles away.  Just before I came down from WI, a Ferguson police officer shot and killed a teenager.  It quickly was turned into a race issue and there was rioting and rowdy public demonstrations while I was in the area.  The Governor sent in the State Highway Patrol and the National Guard to help control the situation and restore the peace.  Lots of people were arrested, tear gas was used, etc.  It was ugly; but it could have ended up being much worse. 

Needless to say, everyone in the area watched the news closely to see what would develop.  Sadly, most of the news reports were slanted toward presenting the issues in the worst possible light stirring up more emotions than to help bring calm to the situation.

I saw an interview with the teen’s parents who were asked “What will it take to bring peace back to the community?”  His mother’s response was, “When the police officer who murdered my son is convicted and locked away in prison for the rest of his life!”  I know she was speaking partially out of her grief; but do you see the problem with that attitude?  Without regards to the facts and evidence that makes a conviction a questionable possibility, the Grand Jury won’t even reach a conclusion until mid-October; and that is just to determine whether the officer should stand trial or not.  I would guess that if the case goes to trial, it will take a year or two before a verdict is reached and the officer is sentenced.  So the mother was declaring that peace could not be reached in the community for another couple of years.  Therefore the rioting, looting, destruction of property, throwing of Molotov cocktails was acceptable behavior until the people got what they wanted.

From what I saw, there was enough evidence to suggest that the shooting was justifiable; but I don’t know.  Wouldn’t it be better to say something like, “when all the facts are known and the evidence is presented, I hope that justice is served”?  But until that time, people need to remain calm and don’t assume the worst.  The public in the community and the news media seem to believe that the shooting was racially motivated and have ignored a number of facts of the case.

What I find sad is the rush to judgment and the assumption that the officer is guilty; that the only acceptable verdict is guilty; and that peoples’ anger over this apparent injustice gives them license to destroy other people’s property and attack the authorities.  It is sad to see a breakdown in their view of the impartiality of law enforcement officials and the court system. It does seem normal for grieving people to lash out in anger and frustration at someone over their loss.  I feel for the parents who have lost the future with their son.  Death is such a final thing.  We often take life so lightly and assume that it will just keep rolling on no matter what we do.  It is a harsh reality when we are personally faced with death’s consequences. 

I think it is important for all of us to see that we cannot allow our happiness in life be determined by forces outside of our control.  Many people declare that if a situation changed or someone treated them differently, then they would be happy.  Since you cannot control other people or what happens in life; you are destined to remain unhappy.  You must choose to be happy (or content or satisfied) in yourself, despite your circumstances. Work for change or for justice wherever and whenever it’s possible; but don’t pin your happiness upon those things happening because they may not; and you will have succeeded control of your happiness to someone else. 

Proverbs 31:8-9    “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.  Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

Friday (8/15/2014)

Update: 

At the prosthetist’s office I found out that I’ve got to let my leg heal a bit longer before I can don my prosthesis.  Bummer!  Probably at least another week, maybe more…  So much for having two legs during my vacation!  I’ll be riding my wheelchair down in Missouri.  I’ve got to admit that the news brought me down for a short while.  It’s a good thing I’ve been reading and writing about maintaining your attitude.  I had to apply it all to myself this afternoon.  I chose to focus on the good things: I’m going on vacation and spending time with my brother, and ignore the disappointing part.  So what if some other details aren’t going to be like I’d planned.  I’m alive, I’m getting away for a while and I get to be with my brother—and we are going to have a good time together.

I was given a double-length 4-inch wide ace bandage and shown how to properly wrap my residual limb (that’s the shorter leg) at the office as well.  Wrapping the leg will help reduce the swelling that I’ve been experiencing since not wearing my leg.  There is a fancy looking figure eight pattern that I am practicing tonight so I remember what they showed me at the office.  The wrap the prosthetist did was much prettier looking than my results; of course when I make my bed or fold laundry it never looks very good either.  It just isn’t where my gifts lie.  But the picture shows that despite it only being my second attempt, I did a presentable job of it anyway.

Thursday (8/14/2014)

Update: 

I am amazed how much work there is to get done so that I can take some time off.   Not only do I have to make certain everything is up to date, but I also have to do some things a couple of weeks in advance so that things keep humming along while I am gone.  I am doing pretty well and only have about three big things left on my To Do List.  Barring something unforeseen, I should get it all locked down by close of business. 

I’ve got an appointment today at the lab that made my prosthetic leg.  They are going to evaluate the sore on my leg to see if it has healed well enough so I can start wearing my prosthesis again.  And they’ll give me some help on getting my slightly swollen calf back into the prosthesis.  Obviously I am hoping that they will give me the okay to wear my leg; but if they don’t, I’ll just have to suck it up and keep rolling along in my wheelchair.  The chair does help me keep my upper body in shape so it is not an entire loss.  

On Friday morning, I have an appointment with my retinal specialist.  It is time for him to take photos and evaluate how everything is going and then I’ll get another injection in my right eye.  That will put me out of business for the rest of the day.  Friday evening is opening night for Karen’s latest play at the State Theatre.  This is the last in the Beowulf series, The Dragon.  My plan is to attend the play Friday night—I won’t be able to see well out of the right eye so I’ll just have to pay close attention keeping my left eye on the all the action.

Saturday morning my vacation officially begins and I am hoping to feel well enough to drive down to see my brother (just me—the wife and rest of the family cannot go).  If I am not up to driving, I’ll have to wait until Sunday to go.  When I planned my time off I didn’t realize that my eye doctor would be on vacation and would be gone until the Friday before I planned on leaving.  He didn’t want my eye to go without evaluation and treatment until I got back, so that is how I have an eye injection suddenly scheduled the day before I leave to go spend time with my brother in Missouri. 

While I am gone, I don’t plan on writing Updates and Thoughts on a daily basis.  I may write one every few days and get it posted; but I hope that I am having way too much fun to have time to write.  So you won’t hear too much from me for a couple of weeks. 

Thought for the Day:

I was thinking about some of the benefits of being an amputee.  First of all, I get a great choice of parking spaces.  It only takes me half the time to clip my toenails.  A pair of socks lasts me twice as long.  If a dog bites my leg, I have a 50/50 chance that it will hurt him more than it hurts me; the same goes for accidently dropping something on my foot—I have even odds that it won’t hurt me.  I have a built in excuse if I want to get out of some commitment, “Gee!  I would love to come to your party; but I have to… uh…‘wax’ my prosthesis this evening.” 

Now for some of the negative things about being an amputee.  I have to remember where I put my leg when I get up in the morning (I’m always losing stuff).  If someone tells me a whopper and is pulling my leg—they might just get away with it now.  I lose more arguments because my opponent realizes that I don’t have a leg to stand on.  I often find that I’m stumped by simple math problems.

As you can see my sense of humor hasn’t suffered any (it hasn’t improved any either).

Seriously one positive thing that being an amputee has done for me is to cause me to slow down, look around, and appreciate what I have.  I’m still busy some days; but most days I go at a slower pace.  I am not so frantic and impatient as I used to be.  Since I am more limited and I have to spend more time thinking about how I can do something, I find that I pray about more things than I used to. 

Another positive thing about my amputation is that it has given me an opportunity to prioritize the activities in my life.  Before my day was filled as I went from one thing to another, never really stopping to think if I should be doing it all—I could, so I did.  Now I am a bit more selective.  I have a chance to question my motives and my effectiveness.  “Should I really be spending this much time doing this activity?  Is it really worth it?”

I’ve also become more thankful for the little things.  Instead of seeing only the flaws, I see positive things now as well.  That’s helped changed my attitude immensely.  I’ve got room for improvement in this area; but it’s a start.

So I’d encourage you to seek out the good and work at seeing past the bad.  Let’s work at seeing the positive instead of only the negative.  I’m not talking about unbridled optimism, but instead of overwhelming negativity, let’s strive for a realistic & accurate assessment of our lives, our relationships, our jobs, and our future.

Wednesday (8/13/2014)

Update:

I found a website with exercises for leg amputees and found a few new exercises to add to my routine.  I especially like ones that can be done with or without my prosthesis on.  They are all fairly simple and despite all the exercising I’ve been doing otherwise, I’m a little sore this morning.  That should mean that they are targeting some new muscle groups.  I’ve got years of neglect to work off; but I am making progress. 

One of the websites that I found has a 50+ year old fitness trainer who had her leg amputated last year.  One of the things she had one her site was balance training.  Did you know that a below the knee amputee (BKA) or above the knee (AKA) cannot balance solely on their prosthetic leg?  We use muscles in our ankles, lower leg and our core muscles to adjust and maintain our balance. Without the lower leg, you cannot do it.  I never thought of that before.  So I’ve started trying to standing on one leg for a few minutes each day.  I’ve never been too good at standing on one leg anyway, so I am really wobbly right now.  Day by day is the path to progress.  What I cannot do today, with practice will be easier tomorrow, and become possible after that.

It is funny what makes me self-conscious and what does not.  I don’t have a problem going to the grocery store in Eau Claire and rolling along in my wheelchair with my residual leg sticking straight out on the calf pad (very hard to miss that I am an amputee); but yesterday, I felt self-conscious rolling into the Village Hall in Fall Creek to vote (in my home town and only about four people present).  Weird.  I cannot change who I am, and the “shorter” of my two legs is not growing out as fast as I hoped (not growing at all actually J).  This is who I am and will be for the rest of my life; overall I have become comfortable with that.  Still in some ways I guess I have a mental image of myself that I want to maintain or present to the public.  I believe that we all have this concept that two-leggedness is the “correct” way to be and all other versions are somehow wrong (or at least less than optimum).  I lived with two legs for 56 years, so I guess I am processing this okay after 9 months of being an amputee. 

Recently while confined to the wheelchair, I went to someone’s house who had two steps to get inside. “No problem!  I will just crawl up the steps if you will lift my wheelchair inside.”  No biggie!  Wow!  I’ve just decided that I am not going to allow boundaries, expectations (usually self-imposed), or pride to stop me from accomplishing (or attempting to accomplish) what I want to do.  Good thing that I’ve always been hard-headed, a bit stubborn, have a fairly good strong dose of self-esteem, and have a slight rebellious streak if you say “No!” or that it cannot be done.

Thought for the Day:

John Maxwell in his book, “Encouragement Changes Everything” said this,

“Don’t let yourself…worry when you’re doing your best.

Don’t let yourself…hurry when success depends upon accuracy.

Don’t let yourself…think evil of anyone until you have the facts.

Don’t let yourself…believe a thing is impossible without trying it.

Don’t let yourself…waste time on trivial matters.

Don’t let yourself…imagine that good intentions are a satisfactory excuse.

Don’t let yourself…harbor bitterness toward God or another person.”

Personally, I would add a few more:

Don’t let yourself…give up just because it is difficult.

Don’t let yourself…listen to others tell you it is impossible.

Don’t let yourself…give into pity because your life isn’t perfect.

Don’t let yourself…quit the first time you fail.

Don’t let yourself…stop believing in yourself (you are worthwhile and God has given you talent and abilities)

I’d encourage you to set a worthwhile and achievable goal.  It may take time and a whole lot of energy to achieve; but give yourself something to strive towards.  And then every day take at least one tiny step towards that goal.

One of the goals that I decided upon since I had my amputation is that I would not allow discouragement to control my life.  Instead, I was going to choose to remain positive, upbeat, and optimistic despite my life altering surgery.  I’ve spent countless hours reading encouraging books to feed my mind and spirit with uplifting, positive thoughts.  I choose not to focus on fleeting negative thoughts and don’t allow the pity party begin.  I spend my time stretching my mind, exercising my body, and pushing my physical limits.  If something is out of reach to me today, I mentally work on finding a possible solution or go-around to the problem. 

I’m not saying that I haven’t cried over my loss and the limits that I face; but I don’t spend much time there.  What good is it going to do me to be sad and despondent about my situation?  If I turn into an angry amputee, who will want to be around me and give me any help I might require?   My goal is to face my life realistically with a dash of hope and a whole lot of optimism.  I’m going to strive to do my best with what I’ve got.  I want to achieve as much as I can.

I came really close to death last Thanksgiving day.  I feel like God has given me some extra innings to play.  He has tacked on extra time for me to live this life.  So my goal is squeeze just as much out of whatever time I have left whether that is days or decades.  The first step towards that goal is to keep myself encouraged so that I remain motivated and focused upon the goal.

I hope that my efforts will encourage you in your life as well.  I hope to see you stretch to your full potential and take advantage of every good thing life has to offer.  Help make this world a better place to live—one step at a time, one person at a time—and begin with yourself.  Make the choice today for how you want to spend the rest of your life and what do you want to accomplish.  I’m not talking about financial or materialistic goals as much as I am character goals and things that impact who you are as a person.  I hope you choose to be the best you that you can become!

Tuesday (8/12/2014

Update:

On Monday, the rain stopped just in time for me to load myself into my truck to get to my appointment without getting wet.  My primary physician was very pleased with my progress so far.  So pleased in fact that he didn’t even schedule another appointment for me to come back in a few months—just a word to contact him if something comes up.  I was sent to the lab for some blood and urine samples.  If everything comes back alright (and we suspect that it will) then I’m good for another six months until the next blood work needs to be done.  That is encouraging news!

Karen and I got the shopping done and loaded our personal groceries into my truck for me to take home and she went back to the theatre.  I faced the challenge of getting the groceries inside by myself while I’m in the wheelchair.  I loaded my wheelchair up pretty heavily with groceries and had to take four trips up the ramp to get everything in.  My arms were tired after pulling myself up the ramp four times!  I was glad to get everything put away and have some time to relax.  The one trip up the ramp that I was most worried about was balancing the box of eggs from Sam’s Club on my lap as I wheeled myself up the ramp.  I was worried about the box slipping off and creating a reenactment of Humpy-Dumpty.  Despite my concern, the eggs arrived safely inside.  All the other groceries, I put in bags and hung them from the handles of the wheelchair.  It worked well but the bags were heavy enough that going up the ramp, I had to lean far forward to keep from rocking backwards because of the center of balance being changed.

I emailed my prosthetist with some questions about using my prosthesis again.  How healed does my leg need to be to start wearing my prosthetic leg again?  My leg is slightly larger in the calf area since I haven’t been wearing my leg each day, so how do I get it to fit back inside my prosthesis?  This is all new territory for me, so I am getting a little “on-the-job training.”  Oh, the things that I never imagined that you needed to know!  I just scheduled an appointment with my prosthetist on Thursday morning to help answer my questions.  Nice!

This morning I saw a photo of a little 2-3 year old girl with a prosthetic leg playing on the beach.  I thought, “Wow! I wonder how many different sized legs she’ll need as she grows up?”  I struggle trying to explain to my prosthetist what I am experiencing at times, how does it work if the patient is a little kid?  Once again I am reminded that the challenges that I face are rather small and relatively inconsequential in comparison.

I ended the day by talking to my daughter, Ruth, on the phone.  She and her husband will be home for the weekend.  I look forward to seeing her again.

Thought for the Day:

One of the books I am currently reading is “When God Winks At You” by Squire Rushnell.  The book is subtitled, “How God speaks directly to you through the power of coincidence.”  I’m not entirely sold on the book but the author raises some valid points.  In his chapter on unanswered prayer, Rushnell states that God uses unanswered prayer and the coincidences that happen after that to change our direction or to give us something better than we prayed for.  His premise is that we shouldn’t be upset or discouraged when our prayers aren’t answered because God is working behind the scenes to give us something we haven’t thought of or never dreamed would happen. 

If we are emotionally disturbed by not getting what we want, we might entirely miss what God had in store for us instead.   Rushnell quotes John Wooden, an unparalleled successful college basketball coach, as saying “Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

The thing about coincidence is that we don’t often see what is happening and how things have turned out for the best until we have the clarity of hindsight.  We may stare discouragement, disappointment, or heartbreak in the face as we are traveling through the experience.  It isn’t until later (sometimes much later) that we find out that it really was all going to work out for out good in the end. 

I’ve stated it before and I still believe it that on this side of my hospitalization and amputation that wouldn’t go back to having two whole legs if it meant giving up what I’ve gained through the process.  What I have gained from this life-changing event is well worth the cost I paid.  I had four things that I had been praying for quite some time that I didn’t see how they could ever be answered without God doing a miracle.  All God had to do was to take my leg and those four prayers were answered.  Certainly not in the fashion I had prayed for; but by a surprising unexpected twist of fate.

So let’s not get too bent out of shape because things are not progressing the way we envisioned them.  Let’s not lose hope or despair over an apparent lack of success; better days might just be right around the corner.  Without some of the setbacks that we have faced, we wouldn’t be in a position to take advantage of the opportunities about to come our way.

For believers, we aren’t relying upon the fickle finger of fate; we are trusting in the strong arm of our loving Heavenly Father.   Be at peace.  Maintain your hope and trust in Him at all times no matter how bleak things might currently seem.  

Monday (8/11/2014)

Update:

Monday is my day off so I decided to sleep in.  Instead of getting up at my normal 4:30 a.m., I slept until 6:30 a.m.  Nice!  This is Tech Week for Karen’s play so she will be gone every spare moment she isn’t working.  When I got up, I cooked our normal breakfast of scrambled eggs, sautéed onion and garlic in olive oil, beans, and turkey bacon.  I got it done just in time for her to run home from her office and grab a plate to take with her to the theatre.  I made extra so I have something for my lunch too!  It turned out well and I didn’t burn the bacon this time—nothing brings out the tears in a man like having to throw away bacon!

After breakfast I cleaned the kitchen-loaded the dishwasher, washed the George Foreman grill, and wiped down the cabinets.  After I finish posting this update I’ll do about 60 minutes of exercise, do my ironing for the week, and then get ready for my doctor’s appointment this afternoon.

This is my three-month primary physician follow-up.  In the last three months I’ve lost over 30 pounds (another 30 yet to go) and have gone off insulin.  I am able to control my blood sugars by strictly adhering to my diet and by exercising.  My morning blood glucose levels are consistently 95-115.  When I am able to ride my bicycle regularly they are always in the 90’s.  I think he’ll be pleased with the progress that I’ve made.

Since Karen’s gone all day for loading in the stage (moving all the stage pieces and props to the theatre), I’ll drive myself to the doctor’s office and she’ll meet me there for the appointment.  I am hoping that the rain will stop while I am getting myself in and out of the truck. I am still not back in my prosthesis, so getting out of the house and into the truck while in my wheelchair takes me a bit longer.  If it’s raining, I will get soaked.  I hope to avoid that. 

After the doctor’s appointment, we’ll both drive to Sam’s Club.  Karen will run in and buy the groceries we need for the week.  We’ll load them into my truck and I’ll drive home to unload them while she returns to the theatre.   Stuck in my wheelchair, I can go to the store and pick up 2-3 items, but more than that is hard to manage.  If I am wearing my prosthesis, I can go in and get all of groceries.  I ride the motorized cart around the store and then walk out with the groceries.  But today, I cannot do it on my own, so Karen and will work as a team and get the shopping done.

The sore I developed exactly two weeks ago on the back of my leg is continuing to heal.  I think by this weekend, it will be good enough for me to wear my prosthesis again.  I’m looking forward to that!

The company I hired to replace my gutters was supposed to be here this morning.  With 90% chance of rain all day, I am guessing that they’ll show up tomorrow when it is supposed to be bright and sunny instead.

Not much happened outside of the normal Friday-Saturday work cycle this weekend.  All three of my boys came over to mow the lawn and do about 60 minutes of chores for me that I could not do from the wheelchair.  I had planned on mowing my own lawn for the rest of the summer; but being out of my prosthetic leg really changed that! 

Limits are frustrating to bump up against, especially since I’ve enjoyed regaining so many of my former activities.  I’m learning to let the little things go and trying to mentally re-categorize everything into the “little things” group, so that nothing really bothers me.  I’m not there yet; but fewer things bother me than they did before—so I am gaining on it.  Besides all the reading I am doing, I’ve really appreciated being a part of two amputee related Face Book groups.  There is lots of encouragement to be found and I am continually challenged to stretch a little further.  The two groups are “Amputee Coalition of America” and “Abled Amputees of America.”

I’ve always been supportive of our local Pregnancy Care Center.  APPLE (located in Eau Claire, WI) does a great job not only with education but of meeting physical needs with practical assistance.  I’ve participated in their annual fundraiser each year.   This year the walk is scheduled for September 13^th.  I don’t know how I’ll accomplish it; but whether I ride my bicycle, or roll in my wheelchair—one way or another, I am going to participate this year (trying to walk that distance would violate my doctors’ orders).   Paste this link to your browser if you’d like to go to my fundraising page to make a contribution: http://www.fundeasy.com/m/1931623/  

Thought for the Day:

I’m continuing to read Rick Vujicic’s “Life Without Limits.”  Today I read the story of Rick’s birth and how initially it was so hard for his parents to accept him not having arms or legs.  Nothing had prepared them for that shock on the day of his birth; all the prenatal appointments and tests had indicated he was a healthy baby boy.  Rick quickly transitioned to how as a teenager he desperately longed to be normal and have arms and legs like everyone else.  And then he shifts his focus to now…today.

“For my part, I came to see that as great as my challenges were, many people had heavier burdens than mine.  Today in my travels around the world, I often see incredible suffering that makes me grateful for what I have and less inclined to focus on what I may lack.  I have seen orphaned children with crippling diseases.  Young women forced into sexual slavery.  Men imprisoned because they were too poor to pay a debt.  Suffering is universal and often unbelievably cruel, but even in the worst slums and after the most horrible tragedies, I have been heartened to see people not only surviving but thriving.” [Rick Vujicic, Life Without Limits].

Wow! I find that pretty amazing!  A guy born without arms or legs talking about how good he has it compared to others.  It really makes me stop and think, “What do I have to complain about?”  We whine about some of the pettiest things.  They seem pretty big in our own eyes; but comparatively they are absolutely nothing.  So what if one of my legs is about a foot shorter than the other one after my amputation?  I’ve got a wheelchair, a prosthetic leg, a great medical support team, and a supportive wife and family.  And I want to complain because I’m stuck sitting in a wheelchair for a couple weeks? 

The sad reality is that sometimes we can feel sorry for ourselves for even smaller, less significant things that aren’t perfect in our lives.  Time for us to grow up, put on our big boy pants and stop sucking our thumbs!  If we take our focus off of ourselves and open our eyes and look around I think that we too will see comparatively how good we’ve got it as well. 

While I stated it pretty strongly, it is mainly because I am pointing my finger at myself as well as almost everyone else in our culture.  We are so “ME” centered that it is hard for us to look beyond ourselves.  We grow hyper-aware of every tiny flaw in our lives and magnify them way out of proportion.

Therefore, for the rest of the day, I am choosing to not whine, grumble or complain about my situation.  Instead I am going to choose a thankful attitude and enjoy are the blessings that I do possess instead of focusing upon what I feel that I am missing.

Friday (8/8/2014)

Update & Thought for the Day:

On Thursday evening I had a picnic to attend for an organization that I belong to.  I became an instant celebrity when two of the host’s younger daughters (7 & 10 years old) found me.  They wanted to know everything about my leg and what happened to me.  “Can we see your leg?  Can we touch it?” I instantly had two new buddies and someone who wanted to push my wheelchair wherever I needed to go.  I love the openness and inquisitive nature of children; although I struggled to explain an infection to the seven year old! 

Thursday morning, Kate, my oldest daughter, and I headed to the nursing home to hold a worship for the residents.  My leg has still not healed well enough for me to wear my prosthesis, so I was in my wheelchair.  It is the first time I did the worship service at the nursing home from my wheelchair.  As we entered the chapel I was struck by how full it was and by how many were in wheelchairs themselves.  As I rolled in it seemed that everyone looked at me with an intense interest and there was an instant connection with them.  Sounds sort of strange, but it seemed like they were more interested in paying attention to me because I appeared to be one of them.  I wasn’t some young, spry, healthy guy spouting off platitudes—I at least had a glimpse into their lives.  One aspect of growing older is all the things you give up along the way: your freedom, your health, your mobility, your career, your hobbies, your home, your car, as well as your ability to go to church, cook, do chores, etc.—everything that once defined you in your “previous” life is slowly taken from you.  For some, even the memories from that past life are taken from them. 

All of this loss begs the question, “When everything is stripped away, who am I?”  We usually define ourselves by things like our job, where we live, and our family.  Without those things we are often at a loss.  “I used to be a plumber.”  “I used to live on Wilson Ave. in Fall Creek.”   People may describe themselves in terms of what they no longer have; but who are you really?  What about describing ourselves by the things we value or our character qualities or personality traits?  “I like to laugh and make people laugh; I value honesty in people; I love God and am thankful for Jesus’ sacrifice on my behalf; Although I love to talk and be around people, I also am kind of shy so I value my ‘alone time’ as well as my ‘people time.’”  Now we are getting to the heart of who we truly are.

I have found that many things that we enjoy and take for granted for majority of our lives can be stripped away in a moment’s notice.  It can throw you off balance and you feel like you have lost contact with who you are.  I think this is why some amputees struggle with the loss of a limb.  It changes your life and, at least temporarily, strips you of the things that you identify yourself with. 

If I am a runner and suddenly can no longer run—who am I?  We often overlook how adaptive we are as people and that many things from our past life we will eventually resume (sometimes in a modified form).  “Right now I cannot run; but soon I will be able to walk again and after that, who knows my limits?  We’ll see if run again.  Maybe I’ll take up bicycle riding instead!”  After my mother lost her health, she was restricted from doing some of the things she loved in the manner that she wanted to do them.  Unfortunately her attitude was “my life is over and I have nothing to live for.”  Beyond a certain point she was unable or unwilling to adapt to her new situation so she lost interest in life.  I was sad to see that she never really recaptured the joy of living.  I know other people who have responded to loss in their lives in a similar manner.  People who are widowed face a very difficult struggle.  They no longer have a very large and important part of their identity.  They grieve terribly over the loss of their loved one and everything that they meant in their lives.  No longer a couple, not really feeling like a single.

No matter what loss we suffer—there is still life after loss, and it is a life worth living because we never know what is just around the bend.  Yes, we may have to give up a number of things that used to be an important part of our previous life; but we might just discover a whole new world open up before us because of our new circumstances.  Life is an adventure.  So take that journey one day at a time and look forward to what you’ll discover in the day ahead.  You might find a new skill, a new hobby, a new friend, and even a brand-new you!

Wednesday & Thursday (8/6 & 8/7/2014)

Update:

I spent the Tuesday morning with a friend.  It was a good time of mutual encouragement and prayer for one another.  I enjoyed his company as we explored some back roads in my pickup and then ate lunch together.

I also was able to secure some private land for bow hunting this fall.  It is a short walk from the road and I won’t have to compete with other hunters for the spot.  I’m very thankful to the landowner because it will make getting out in the woods much easier for me this year.  Every place I can think of where I normally hunt on public land entails what would be for me a long walk; I wasn’t certain I could do that.  I think that I’ll be hunting from the ground instead of tree stand this year because of my prosthesis.  I’ve done it on occasion during bow season but I prefer being up in a tree.  But this year I don’t want to push it too hard.  I think it will challenge me enough just getting out there.  I’m looking forward to spending some time in the woods this fall.  Last year I think I was only able to get out once or twice and then I was sick or busy all the rest of the season culminating with my amputation during deer gun season.  So I am really looking forward to deer season this year.

Tuesday afternoon was spent at my office and in the evening I went to the Altoona Fire Department where I serve as Chaplain.  Being able to wear my prosthesis makes it easier and I feel like I can do more there when I am able to walk; but I decided that as long as it is possible, I should be there with them as they train even if I am stuck in a wheelchair.  Chaplaincy for emergency services is often a ministry of presence anyway.  Being there when they need you, rubbing shoulders with them so they trust you, building a relationship one day at a time by spending time together.  That is the foundation for almost every ministry that we do.

When I am limited to my wheelchair, everything takes a bit more effort and there are some things that I cannot do.  I am guessing that it will be at least one more week before my leg heals so that I can use my prosthetic leg again.  I am so looking forward to that future day (whenever it is).  I keep praying that I will heal more quickly than I normally do.

Wednesday morning I did something very unusual for me.  When I woke up, I really felt tired so I decided to roll back over and catch a few more minutes rest before getting up.  I have never been a fan of snooze alarms; when it is time to get up—I get up.  But on Wednesday, I decided to roll over instead of getting up.  I figured that I would wake up after 5-10 minutes; however, it was two hours later that I woke up!  Whoa!  That really rearranged the day I had planned!

This past week has been filled with busy days and busier nights.  I’ve been hard pressed to get any exercising done.  I miss not riding my bicycle.  I think that next week it will calm down again.  Looking forward to it.

Thought for the Day:

After work on Wednesday, I had a training meeting to attend in Menomonie, WI (35 miles away).  I am a Local Board Member of the Selective Service System and we had our annual refresher training on Wednesday night.  Our job would be to determine whether requests for exemptions or deferment from military service should be granted.  Although the USA hasn’t used the draft to maintain our military since the Vietnam War, the system has been maintained in the event it’s needed in an emergency. 

This got me thinking about all things that we train for.  Firefighters train with their equipment on a regular basis so that when a real emergency occurs they are ready to respond quickly and effectively as a team.  Police undergo firearms training regularly and undergo all sorts of refresher training like how to safely drive a squad car under emergency conditions.  High School football teams will begin training soon to strengthen muscles, increase endurance and reduce the risk of injury during the season.  Many professions require continuing education courses so that old skills stay current and new skills can be developed.  Depending upon the injury or illness, those released from the hospital may undergo some form of therapy to help them get back to a normal (or a “new normal”) level of functioning.

What about training for the emotional, mental, or spiritual battles that we will face?  What training do we receive for those areas of our lives?  At first, I thought that these areas are left without some sort of preparation or strength training; then I realized that our parents become our first coaches and trainers in these areas.  They help us learn how to think, analyze, and decide on courses of action to take.  Parents help us through the difficult and painful events we encounter as we grow up and help us learn how to respond.  On the spiritual side, they often take us to church and open us up to the spiritual dimension of our lives.  Worship services, Sunday School, and Youth Group help us build a spiritual foundation in our lives that we can turn to in times of need later.

As we grow older, we lose the built-in training of parents and we either experience some “on the job” training or we find some sort of mentor in these areas.  We may find books or attend a conference that will help us in these areas of our lives.

How we think, what we feel, and how we respond spiritually to different situations in our lives is of extreme importance to us the rest of our lives.  It may help prevent us from getting into some trouble and it makes all the difference in how we respond to the difficulties we do encounter.  Maybe you’ve encountered someone who isn’t responding well to a life situation and you’ve thought that they should “Grow up!”  We’ve all heard about people who are making poor life choices and we hope they learn before they ruin their life (or someone else’s).  Our spirit may be crushed by some event, or we are faced with the need to forgive when all we want to do is retaliate. 

Our society is all about career training, but what about these rather neglected areas of cognitive, emotional, and spiritual health?  There are opportunities and resources available that we really need to take advantage of before a crisis enters our lives.  All of us need some sort of continual conditioning so we stay in good mental, emotional and spiritual shape.  Even if we have a great skill set for our job, if we haven’t developed a strong mental, emotional, and spiritual skill set we won’t end up being successful in our lives; because these areas are an essential foundation to everything else that we do.

So take time to recharge your spiritual batteries.  Evaluate your current mental and emotional health and do the things necessary to strengthen those areas of your life.  Read a book, catch a seminar, or connect with a mentor or someone you trust to talk things over.  Take some time off—even if it’s a staycation and recharge and renew.  Invest in yourself and in your future.  Give yourself a gift that will enable you to have staying power during the stressful times of your life.  They are coming. 

Are you ready?

Monday & Tuesday (8/4/14 & 8/5/14)

Update:

I finished my sermon on Friday afternoon but found it was too long and needed some editing.  I find editing my own work very difficult when I have a solid message prepared and then have to whittle away at it.  Saturday was a workday at church but since I was confined to the wheelchair I could not physically help.  I decided to go to the church and work on my message so that I could be around the guys working anyway.  I’d roll outside every so often and see how the construction was going before heading back inside.  I ate lunch with the work crew and enjoyed the friendly banter.  After I finished working on my message, I was going to head home but just couldn’t tear myself away from watching so I stayed while they worked.  Eventually they moved around to the back side of the church to put the stud walls up on that addition.  I couldn’t get back there in my wheelchair so I drove my truck around back and sat in the truck watching.  Oh how I longed to be out there helping; but until my leg heals I’m on the sidelines watching.

Sunday went well.  I preached and led the communion service from my wheelchair.  It worked fine but I can’t wait to get walking again.  I am grateful for the wheelchair but I long for the prosthetic leg!  I am not certain how much longer it will take for my leg to heal.  It has been one week so far—I expect it will take at least one more week before I can don the leg again.  Patience is such a difficult thing to wait for! LMLO (Laughing My Leg Off)! Even if no one else likes my humor—I crack myself up!

On Monday I got my exercises done and the laundry folded that Karen had done for me.  Like watching other people shovel snow for me this past winter, it really bothers me to not be able to do my own laundry.  Kind of weird but I look forward to be able to do that for myself again soon.  I think it has to do with feeling independent and self-sufficient as much as possible.  For instance if I am out in the wheelchair, I would much rather propel myself than have someone push me.  When it comes to loading my wheelchair into my truck, I would rather do it myself than allow someone else to do it.  I know people want to be helpful and are trying to be considerate; but if I am able to do it on my own; I want to do it on my own.  I think it is bound up in self-confidence and self-image.  A part of my life was taken from me and this is small way in which I can take back a little bit of control in my life.  That’s why I’ll keep pushing the limits and see what I am able to do and accomplish.  It’s a healthy thing.  There is no reason for me to remain dependent upon others to do for me what I could do for myself. 

Later on Monday morning my son, Jon, came over and we worked on the dead refrigerator together.  After watching a few on-line videos and doing some diagnostic work, we took a trip into Radio Shack for about $8 in parts.  Within an hour or so we breathed new life into the broken fridge!  According to what we read on-line we just saved about $400 on parts and labor.  Cool!  That’s how I’m feeling and how the fridge feels now too!  It was really nice to get the extra fridge out of the kitchen.  It took up a lot of room and made using my wheelchair much more difficult with two refrigerators in the kitchen.  I can easily reach the light switch again and I have the work table made for my wheelchair back where it belongs now too.

Thought for the Day: 

I found this quote touched my heart powerfully:

 “Evil is defeated because God uses it to bring about the very opposite—courage, faithfulness, selfless sacrifice, forgiveness.”  [Timothy Keller, Walking With God through Pain and Suffering].

When I read what Keller wrote, it caused me to think of all the adversity that I have seen in the world and how so many people rise above the adversity they face and are better people for it.  War, by all accounts is an ugly, terrible evil; yet in the midst of evil, men will rise to challenge of sacrificing themselves to save their comrades.  Every day I read posts from my fellow amputees and am constantly amazed at how this event has propelled them to reach deep down inside themselves so as to not let it limit or define them as people.  When we have been mistreated by someone we trust and care for and yet turn around and forgive that person for their trespass against us, once again we see this truth in action.

Every day normal people are placed in situations which could break them, or with the right attitude, to define or make them in a positive manner.  Our most difficult moments may prove to be our finest hour, if we respond in a constructive manner against all odds. 

I don’t want my circumstances to define me and control me.  I want to go beyond what other people expect of me and rise above what is happening around me.  The greater adversity that we face, the greater the glory if we succeed against all odds.  And for a Christian the glory doesn’t belong to him or her, it belongs to God who has strengthened and enabled the person to respond in such a fashion.

In a very famous speech given to the House of Commons on June 18, 1940 by Winston Churchill, he describes the danger, the sacrifice, and the necessity for England to win the battle against Nazi Germany.  He concludes his speech with this well-known line, “Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their finest hour.’”

Let it be said of us that when we faced demanding, discouraging times that we rose to the challenge and made a gallant effort against whatever we faced.  We may not always be victorious; but we should go down like champions should we fail. Let it be said of each one of us, “This was their finest hour.”

Saturday (8/2/2014)

Update & Thought:

I spent the entire day at the office on Friday.  I finished my sermon; however, it’s too long.  Although I like what I wrote, I’ll have to spend part of Saturday slashing away to trim it down to a reasonable size.  Too much of a good thing is still too much.  I always find editing my messages for length a painful, difficult process.  I guess that is better than not shortening it and the congregation thinking that listening to my message is a painful, difficult process! 

My muscles were sore from Thursday’s workout so I decided to take a day off and not do any exercises on Friday.  So today I will be back at it.  I am really missing riding my bicycle while my leg heals.  I would guess it will be at least 4 more days (or longer) before it is healed well enough for me to don my leg and walk again.  I’d appreciate prayers for a quick healing because normally scabs disappear VERY slowly for me.  It’s August and I feel like time is wasting away while I sit in my wheelchair—there is so much that I want to do!

Karen had a lighter client load on Friday evening and got to come home early, so we spent some time together and we still got to bed earlier than normal.  Getting to spend some time together on a Friday night was a nice surprise!

There is a church work day scheduled for all day Saturday.  They’ll be working on the building additions.  Last week I chaffed at not being as mobile and helpful as I used to be doing construction; now that I am temporarily not walking it REALLY is emotionally chaffing.  I had to cancel of few things I had planned this week and modify some others because I couldn’t walk.  I suppose that I will have to get use to the fact that some days it is going to be like that for the rest of my life.  It is the feeling of uncertainty that disturbs me the most.  I can make all sorts of plans because at the time I am doing well.  Then things quickly change and I have to cancel what I had hoped to do.  I think that during the first year post-op it will be the worst; but I am certain that things will pop up throughout the rest of my life.  Last month it was my leg changing size so that I couldn’t keep a good fit on my prosthesis.  This month it is a waiting for a sore on my leg to heal.  It is that feeling of uncertainty that is so difficult to manage.

I am very glad that I had my leg amputated.  Remembering the pain, limping and limitations that my bad foot caused me compared to my ability to walk and more fully participate in life with a prosthesis—it is obvious that I made the right choice.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have limitations, pain or limping on occasion now; it is just that I know it is “sometimes” instead of “all the time.”  It is the idea that I don’t know when those times will strike that is a bit unsettling to me.

James 4:13-15    “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.’”

The reality is that ALL of us live under the mistaken impression of certainty.  There is no such thing as certainty in life.  We don’t know for certain that we’ll make it to work without being involved in a major car accident, or whether we’ll be diagnosed with a life-changing disease at the next doctor’s visit.  We don’t know if we’ll live to see our next birthday or if the stock market will crash and all of our investments will vanish overnight.  We can make some lifestyle decisions to lower our potential risks; but we cannot protect ourselves from all surprises.  The truth is that no one truly knows what tomorrow will bring.  We assume that today will be like yesterday and the day before, without any major surprises.  But we cannot be certain.  I suppose that if you look at your life statistically, that every good day you have increases the odds that tomorrow won’t be as good.  That may sound pessimistic but I think it is more realistic than the assumption that everything will be fine for the rest of your life because that’s the way it is been so far.

My point is that right now I am feeling that sense of uncertainty more sharply than I have so far in my life.  The bible warns us to not become too comfortable with the feeling of certainty.  All of our plans for the future need to be held lightly in our hands because in a moment’s notice everything that we built those assumptions upon can crumble like dust and we are left with our mouths wide open gaping at the change of fortune in our lives.

This isn’t total chaos theory though because there is one thing we can constantly trust in life—the Lord God.  He’ll always be there for us through the good and the bad times, the happy and the sad times.  He is the one constant, solid foundation that we can trust and rely upon.  He is the anchor that we can depend upon as we encounter the inevitable storms of life.  The winds might howl and waves of adversity may crash over us—but we can make it through it all with a peace of mind knowing that we are connected to God; and He will not fail us.

So as we go through life and we make plans and work towards achieving them, we need to constantly remind ourselves that ultimately we do not control our destiny.  We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, let alone the next year or the next decade.  So our attitude towards the future should include flexibility along with trust in the only permanently stable thing in life—our God.  That might not be all that we wish we could count upon; but in the end, it is enough.  Anything and everything else will eventually fail us; but He is enough.