Update & Thought:
About 11:30
a.m. yesterday (Wednesday) my prosthetic leg really started to bother me so I
took it off. I must have irritated some
nerves because from then until 5:30 p.m. my left leg was really hurting. I felt two things. I felt like I had twisted the ankle and like
someone was repeated running into my Achilles tendon with a shopping cart. Both of these sensations were happening on my
missing foot. I have never had the
shopping cart feeling before. It is very
surreal to feel it so vividly and look down and see that it couldn’t possibly
be happening. At about 5:30 p.m. both
pains stopped. I went to AWANA (our
Wednesday night kid’s program at church) in my wheelchair. I only had a couple of lightning bolts
shooting pain down my leg the rest of the night.
This morning
(Thursday) I have another appointment with my prosthetist to work on adjusting
my test socket some more. This kind of
pain is more difficult determine its source and how to stop it. Many amputees suffer from debilitating phantom
pain, so far I have avoided it. Perhaps
this has little to nothing to do with my prosthesis and I am entering a phantom
pain phase. Who knows? My issues are certainly challenging and not
easily identified and fixed.
I find the
emotional roller coaster of hope and then diminished hope an interesting
ride. Yesterday while I was in pain, I
had a time of questioning whether or not I would ever get a leg to fit
painlessly again. If I faced that kind
of pain daily, I’d need to work extra hard on maintaining a positive mental
attitude and learn how to be productive in the midst of pain. Some people face this kind of situation all
the time--my heart goes out to them.
Living with limitations and inconveniences are one thing to deal with;
ongoing pain is quite a nothing thing entirely.
This
morning, I once again look forward to my appointment with hope. I hope we will find some answers and make
major improvements today. I wish I could
say that I am confident that today is going to be the turning point; but I
cannot say that. I am hopeful and right
now that is enough.
This episode
has got me wondering about the wisdom of trying to go out hunting on Saturday
morning on the opening day of gun season here in Wisconsin. I missed last year’s season with my illness and
amputation. I really want to go; but I
am hesitant. I think my wife was even
encouraging me to go. She said, “So if
you go out and your leg starts hurting, come home.” How badly do I want to do this? How much is this worth to me? How badly will I regret not going out and
trying? Is it really wise?
I am usually
very good at making decisions and have little trouble deciding a course of
action. So this feeling of indecisiveness
is really uncomfortable for me. I
definitely don’t want to do any permanent damage but I also don’t want to limit
myself unnecessarily and allow pain and fear to stop me. I wouldn’t have made as much progress as I
have so far if I had held back before. I
don’t know. I definitely have some
praying and thinking to do! Today’s
appointment and the next couple of days will give me a better idea. As I said before, the timing of needing a new
leg and difficulty in adjusting the test socket really stinks. We don’t usually get to choose when we will
face difficult times or emergencies.
They happen when they happen and we have to deal with them. So here I am in the middle of one of those
difficult times.
What about
you? What difficult times are you
facing? How are you handling them? Are you facing them in such a manner that you
can look back on how you dealt with them with pride? How do you maintain hope in the midst of
them? I usually turn to my faith in God.
Psalm
121:1-2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come? My help
comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.”
I don’t know
what the future holds for me or for anyone else. I hope that I am headed back to pain-free
walking. I certainly haven’t exhausted
all my options yet. Disappointments can
be tough to handle. Long-term,
continuous disappointment is especially difficult. But putting this all in perspective, my life
is much more than just pain-free walking.
If for some reason either now (or some day in the future) I face the
fact that I will never walk again (or never walk again without pain)—I still
have plenty to live for and much of life to enjoy. My life will certainly be different and
things would have to change; but isn’t that normal in life? Each phase of my life from adolescence to now has
had different hobbies and things that I have enjoyed. I am not the same man I used to be. I’ve grown.
Hopefully I’ve matured. I have
definitely changed. So, worse case, I
have to make a few more changes (some potentially drastic). I can do that. I may prefer not to have to face them; but I
can do that.
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