Tuesday (3/31/2015)

Thought for the Day:

Sometimes in the darkness of my soul, I feel like a failure.  I haven’t done the things that I dreamed that I would.  I haven’t accomplished everything on “my list.”  I haven’t even lived up to my own expectations.  Instead of breaking the tape as I run across the finish line, I struggle to keep running.  I stumble. I fall.

Have you ever felt like that?  We usually don’t want to sit too quietly and spend too much time thinking otherwise we might go there.  Instead we fill our life with busyness, activity, and noise so we never have time to stop and think. 

Most of us will never be remembered for the grand work we have accomplished or the milestones we’ve reached.  Most of us will never walk the “Red Carpet” of fame or have our face on the cover of Time magazine.  We won’t have our picture featured on a box of Wheaties, win an Olympic medal, or be remembered in the Guinness’ Book of World Records.  Very few of us will be remembered in the next history book being published.  “Okay, class.  Who can tell me what important thing Steven Hurd did in 2015?”  Probably not going the happen!

Let’s face it, in twenty years most of us won’t be remembered except by our grandchildren.  After that, nobody will know anything about what we have done and how we have lived our daily lives. Does this mean we are failures?

Looking at the failures, flaws and limitations in our lives to determine our value or self-worth is only looking at half of the picture of who we are.  There are many positive aspects of our lives that we can easily overlook, sometimes we aren’t even aware of what we’ve accomplished.  And actually the things that should count the most are often overlooked or discounted; yet those things are the most lasting legacy that we leave behind.

Have you brought joy to someone’s life?  Have you been a role model or encouraged anyone to take a step forward outside of their comfort zone?  Have you demonstrated love, service, or commitment in tangible ways?  Are you special to at least one other person?

As I wrote that last line I thought, “What about a person who is truly all alone in the world and doesn’t have friend or family?  Is that person worthless?”  No! Because God watches over them and God Himself cares about them—so therefore, everyone is valuable. This also applies to those who are physically or mentally disabled.  Our society may think that they are of less value; but God doesn’t.  The truth is it doesn’t even matter if WE think we are worthless or of little value because God treasures us and values us as an individual; therefore we matter!

If I would enter a marathon, I wouldn’t have to be the first one across the line to feel good about myself.  If I crossed the finish line at all, I would be ecstatic.  With my current physical limitations even trying would be a victory for me, even if I never came close to completing the race.  As long as I tried and did the best I could do, I would be a winner in my own eyes.  It is the same thing with life and whatever we are facing.  It really doesn’t matter if you came in first place.  It is how you fought the battle.  Did you keep trying?  Did you give your best effort? 

There are people who avoid their High School reunions because they don’t feel like they achieved anything and are embarrassed to go back and have others evaluate and judge them.  But life isn’t a competition about who came in first and therefore everyone else is a loser.  We aren’t running the race of life against other people.  We only run the race and compete against ourselves.  No one else is able to judge us fairly.  We, ourselves, are the only person competent and capable of judging how we did. 

And there is one thing that we must remember.  The race we run isn’t over until we take our final breath.  So don’t give up.  Never give in.  If you stumble and fall along the way.  Get up, dust yourself off, and keep running the race as best you are able.  Keep running the race that is set before you.

Saturday (3/28/2015) (video)

Update:

I just posted a new video about hair in the hubs of my wheelchair.  Check it out.  Maybe I shouldn't have told you what it was about before you clicked the link.  I think you'll enjoy the video anyway.  Go ahead and try...

Saturday (3/28/2015)

Thought for the Day:

“It has been estimated that the average human being has around 50,000 thoughts per day.  That’s a lot of thoughts.  Some of these thoughts are going to be positive and productive.  Unfortunately, however, many of them are also going to be negative—angry, fearful, pessimistic, worrisome.  Indeed, the important question in terms of becoming more peaceful isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts—you are—it’s what you choose to do with the ones that you have.”

“In a practical sense, you really have only two options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts.  You can analyze your thoughts—ponder, think through, study, think some more—or you can learn to ignore them—dismiss, pay less attention to, not take so seriously…When you have a thought—any thought—that’s all it is, a thought!”

“You can give the thought significance in your mind, and you’ll convince yourself that you should be unhappy.  Or, you can recognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, and you can choose to dismiss the thought.  This doesn’t mean that your childhood wasn’t difficult—it may very well have been—but in this present moment, you have a choice of which thoughts to pay attention to.”

“You’ll find, in all cases, that if you ignore or dismiss a negative though that fills your mind, a more peaceful feeling is only a moment away.”  [Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff].

I’ve found that whatever I dwell upon tends to take on greater significance in my life.  I know there are times when we have to think through things and give it our undivided attention; but far too often we are making mountains out of molehills or we are dragging up things from our past that we cannot change.  What good is spending all day thinking about that kind of stuff going to do for us?  All it will do is drag us down. It will hold us back.  It will make us an emotional wreck. 

I am not advocating ignoring the stuff that bothers you or the hurts and the pains you have suffered.  Stuffing all down into a sack, trying to forget about it is only creating a time bomb that will someday explode.  Instead, in your heart grant forgiveness to those who have hurt you, tell God what you are feeling and thinking AND THEN MOVE ON.  Let it go.  Don’t keep poking it with a stick like a kid checking out roadkill.  Walk away from it.  Drop it.  And don’t choose to go back to it mentally. 

Sure, memories might resurface and thoughts might pop into your mind unbidden.  Okay, then choose to ignore that thought and don’t start dwelling on it.  Shake it off and fill your mind with other thoughts.  Don’t waste all your time and energy on those negative, joy-sucking kind of thoughts, UNLESS you want to send yourself into angry, frustration, anxiety and depression.  If you want to have your life filled with those things, then go right ahead and think on the garbage that sometimes enters your mind.  But if you don’t…well, then do dwell on those things.

Philippians 4:8  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

The quote, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” is usually attributed to Abraham Lincoln.  You can choose to be happy if you choose to focus upon the right things or you can be miserable if you focus upon the wrong things.  Every one of our lives is a mixture of happy and sad, good and bad.  You can find enough evidence in your own life to support either of these conclusions: “I am blessed and have a good life” or “My life is rotten and not worth living.”  Could your life be better? Have people treated you wrong?  Are there things that you wish you could change about your past?  Certainly, I would think so.  But those things aren’t the only things that have happened to you, are they? 

So why do we focus so much upon the negative?  Instead, let’s focus upon the positive and “seize a happy day.”

Thursday (3/26/2015)

Update:

I went to my appointment with my prosthetist, Leah, yesterday.  She adjusted the back of my prosthesis so I can bend my leg better and ride my bicycle without pain.  There is a constant battle between what I think of as comfort level and the ability for the prosthesis to perform as it should.  If they lower the back wall (on the calf of the leg) too far, it allows for the whole prosthesis to shift and wobble on the leg as you walk.  It can’t stay tight on the leg as it should.  Imagine going on a long hike with a pair of boots that are too big and your foot slides up and down in them.  How long would you be hiking before you developed major blisters and the hike was over?  It is the same concern with a prosthetic leg.  After that my prosthetist told me that there was nothing else that she could do for me because it has become obvious that my problem isn’t a fit issue with the prosthesis. 

With the medication level now up to full strength and the fact that I am still experiencing high levels of pain, it indicates that I have a nerve issue.  I am confident that I am headed back to surgery to have the nerve at the end of my fibula resectioned.  That means they remove the end of the nerve and bury the rest of the nerve deep in muscle tissue to protect it.  When that will happen, I don’t know.  There are always certain steps and procedures that must be followed before it happens.  Everyone knows you’re headed there, you just have to jump through the hoops (medical and insurance) before it happens.  The system is designed to prevent unnecessary procedures; but it tends to drag everything out.  I have an appointment with my doctor next week for a different issue; maybe it will be obvious enough and we will had done enough that I can move on towards the next step.  I assume that will be an evaluation by the surgeon and then an MRI and then schedule the surgery.  There might be other steps to the process before we get there.  So I am thinking at least a month or two before it happens.   After the surgery, there will be a period of healing (3-8 weeks) before I can start the process of being fitted with a prosthesis again.  Good bye, Spring and Summer!  Timing sort of stinks but it is what it is.  Who knows?  Maybe it will all happen much sooner!  One can hope!

I also met with Bob, the Orthotist measured my foot for a new shoe and scanned my foot for my new orthotic insert.  I sort of miss the old method of standing in a foam lined box to leave an impression of your foot.  It is just not as satisfying as putting your foot on a scanner bed—even if it is a 3-D scanner.  I then got to pick out some new shoes.  I chose what I would call some hiking shoes.  Definitely made for the outdoors and more casual.  I should get the new shoes and orthotics in a few weeks.

I am still experiencing pain in my “short” leg.  And I am still experiencing side effects from the medication (hard to concentrate, somnolence (falling asleep easily all of the time), dizziness, and feeling loopy).  The next few days should tell whether those side effect will diminish or not.  This afternoon, I did walk to the end of the block and back (about 300 steps); I am paying for it now because my missing foot is throbbing in pain.  Just another indicator that I have a nerve issue that needs to be addressed. 

 

Well I’ve got to say that at least I am getting my money’s worth out of my health insurance.  Ha! 

My son, Joshua, drove me to my appointment because I am still having side-effects from the medication that I am on and cannot drive.

Tuesday (3/24/2015)

Update:

I’ve really been struggling with getting used to Lyrica.  I just started taking the full dosage today.  I started with 100 mg/day a week ago and now I am up to 300 mg/day.  Throughout this time, I haven’t driven and rarely been out of the house. Much of the time, I’ve been dizzy or lightheaded, or feeling lethargic and sleepy.  It has decreased my pain level which allows me to walk some which in turn drives my pain levels through the roof.  Sort of a Catch-22 situation.  We’ll see if after a week or two anything changes.  Right now it doesn’t feel good.  I’m a bit punch drunk.  If these side effects don’t disappear; I’m getting off of the medication.  At least before I could think clearly, stay active, and enjoy life.  This isn’t worth it.  But in a few days, my brain may clear up and it will be okay. 

This process of getting used to the medication is driving me crazy.   I’m getting tired of my wife staring at me and constantly evaluating me to see if I’m okay.  Right now, I feel whacked enough that I know I’m not okay.  I am actually glad that she is watching me because I might misjudge how I am feeling and acting (ever have someone who is drunk tell you that he is able to drive home safely?).  Even though I know it is good that she is watching, I don’t like that feeling.  This evening at dinner, after taking my third dose of Lyrica, I was talking to my wife telling her a story and then stopped to think of the word I was looking for, so I asked her, “Um, what do you call people like me?  Oh yeah!  I remember!  Amputees!” No wonder she is watching right now!  Whew!

This situation caused me to laugh at myself and think back to when I was caring for my mom.  I was always listening, looking, and evaluating when I was with her.  I wonder if she knew I was watching and checking up on her.  I wonder if it bothered her if she did.  I can’t think any way that I could have changed it; but it does give me a different perspective on things.  Maybe next time I’ll be aware of that possibility and try not to be too obvious.  I’ll keep my face more neutral.  There is always a time when we may need to speak up and directly address an issue; but we need to do it grace and sensitivity.  There are some conversations that seem to be difficult no matter how much time that you’ve spent trying to find the right words.  Taking the car keys away from your dad, or telling your mom she has to move out of her home and into an assisted living facility so that she will be safe.  All that can be so unsettling to your loved one.  The loss of their freedom. The dependence upon others. The claustrophobia of being housebound.  Being forced into new surroundings.  The possible loss of friends, neighbors, and their church family because of distance.  The sad realization that you are no longer in control of your life.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment to get my current socket adjusted so that I can ride my bicycle.  Right now the back wall is too high and the back of my thigh is constantly being hit by the prosthesis as I pedal.  I also am supposed to have a mold taken for a new orthotic for my right foot and I get to pick out a new pair of shoes.  Last year I chose a pair of New Balance black walking shoes so I could wear them for everything.  And since they are prescription shoes with an orthotic, I HAD to wear them for everything.  I plan on getting something different this time.  There is still a bit of life left in these shoes so I’ll keep them and can switch shoes back and forth when I want to do so.  WOW! That will be nice!  One of the hardest thing to wrap my brain around was that I would have only one pair of shoes that I would wear all the time.  Ha!  Deciding to have my leg amputated wasn’t too mentally challenging for me but for some reason only having one pair of shoes really loomed large in my mind.  Because of several medical factors, I cannot just go to the shoe story and grab a pair to wear.  Mine are special shoes designed to wear with an orthotic insert.  I guess I could have purchased a second pair that would be interchangeable with my prosthesis and my orthotic; but I think it would have been about $250 for the shoes.  I didn’t think that I needed a second set of shoes that badly.  I’ve been thinking that I pick some sort of ½ boot or something like a hiking shoe that will work well outdoors.  We’ll see what options that I have and what I choose.  The other day I went to a shoe story with my son, Joshua, while he picked out some shoes.  I just looked around in awe at all the choices.  I remember as a teenager how I hated trying to buy shoes.  I never could figure out the right size.  What felt good in the store never felt right the next day.  Too tight.  Too large.  Just not correct.  As I watched my son try on shoes, I smiled when I realized that is no longer a problem for me.  Now I have professionals measure my foot and get me the perfect size.  By the way, when orthotist measured my foot, I found out that I had been buying my shoes a ½ size too small all of my life.

Sunday (3/22/2015)

Update: 

On Saturday, my oldest daughter, Kate, came over and we spent the afternoon cooking together. Here's photos of our yummy bagels and one of the chicken pot pies we made. These items were made with bean flour instead of the normal wheat flour.  Regular grains raise my blood sugar up so I don’t eat bread, noodles, etc. unless they are made from bean flour.  I don’t get the rise in blood sugar from them and I get a tasty serving of beans as well.  My last A1c has dropped to 5.2 (well within the normal, healthy range) without any insulin or other medication so I know the changes to my diet are working.  After all this cooking, I grilled steaks and burgers for dinner.  Kate stayed for dinner with Karen and me, then afterwards we all watched a movie together.  It was a chick flick called Belle and I really enjoyed the movie!  I was surprised and so I told the girls, “My pain medication (Lyrica) must really have kicked in because I really liked that movie.”  Ha!  I really enjoyed the time with Kate and was glad we got to spend the day together.

On Saturday, I had some of the worst pain I’ve ever had.  I had increased my dosage of Lyrica that morning (per doctor’s orders) and I thought this will be a pain-free day. NOT!  The increase in Lyrica made me a bit fuzzy and woozy, not as bad as when I first started taking it; but I wasn’t clear headed by any means.  At one point I had been resting in my wheelchair.  After a break, I decided to stand up.  If I put any pressure on my prosthesis, my nerves told my brain that my ankle was broken.  It was the most excruciating phantom pain I’ve ever had!  WOW!  I couldn’t force myself to stand up because it hurt so badly.  After about ten minutes, the pain eased up and I was able to stand again.

Last night (Saturday) at 9:30 p.m. I wrote on Facebook, “I've been in nearly constant pain all evening. I'm hoping to get some sleep now. I'm not certain if I can with the phantom pain so strong right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer and then listen to worship music as I try to drift to sleep. We'll see and whatever I get, I get.”

At 5:30 a.m. this morning (Sunday) I wrote Facebook, “God is so good. I fell sleep almost immediately and slept until 5:30 a.m. it was some of the best sleep I've had in a while. There may have been pain overnight but I didn't feel it. I woke up to pain and couldn't get back to sleep but I'm so thankful for the rest I received.”

I am thankful for this wonderful reminder that God is listening and that He cares.  He doesn’t always choose to answer my prayers; but I am grateful that He did this time.   It is very encouraging to be reminded of God’s faithful presence in our lives.  I hope that you experience the powerful presence of God in a very personal way this day.  God bless you!

Friday (3/20/2015)

Update:

Despite being a bit lightheaded, I had to get out of the house on Thursday.  I didn’t feel safe driving so my son, Joshua, came and got me.  We did some shopping together (Kohls for me & DSW for him) and then he dropped me off at the gym.  I had some dizzy spells; but I enjoyed the time out.  I walked on the prosthesis instead of riding my wheelchair.  That is the most I’ve walked in a couple of months.  The medication (Lyrica and Lidocaine patch) is obviously working because I could walk that much; but it wasn’t pain-free.  I had quite a bit of phantom pain after I got home.  Last night was the first time I’ve been kept awake from phantom pain.  I couldn’t sleep for about 3½ hours due to pain. 

My dizziness (a side effect of Lyrica) is decreasing.  In fact today all I have is a headache.  So I am hoping that in the next day or two that is gone and I can increase my dosage of Lyrica.  If I get rid of the side effects, this pain medication seems to be taking me in the right direction.  Although after doing more reading on the topic, I think that eventually I will be headed to surgery to resection the nerve that is giving me fits.  Basically that means that I have a nerve ending that is too close to the surface and gets stimulated too much.  Imagine a parent of a persistent child who is always pestering his mom or dad for something.  Eventually the parent get cranky and snaps angrily at the child.  That is my nerve—it’s cranky and angry.  These things can develop into a ball-like mass.  So the surgeon cuts the ball off and then buries the end of the nerve deep into muscle tissue where it won’t be stimulated as much.  Hopefully that takes care of the problem; although sometimes the surgery just makes things worse.  Consequently, they don’t rush to surgery.  That’s why we are trying the medication and the Lidocaine patch over the nerve.

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had intense phantom pain that felt like the toes of my missing left foot were being brutally crushed over and over.  In my drowsy state I thought to myself, “If I hold them, maybe the pain will go away.”  So I reached down to grab them and only came up with air.  LOL.  That woke me up.  Of course I started laughing at myself!  I shared this story with some amputee friends and several mentioned they have had a similar experience.

A couple of days ago, I experienced a phantom pain that I had never had before.  The entire bottom of my missing foot was in pain but it also felt like everything was squishy.  I struggled to figure out how to explain it to my wife.  I finally determined that it felt like someone had filled my shoe with extremely hot oatmeal and I was walking in it.  Obviously it was runny oatmeal because it was all squishy between my toes.  I hate runny oatmeal!!!  When I told my wife, her reply to me was something like, “You are a strange man.”  Yes I am!  As one of my amputee friends told me, “People just can’t understand how weird phantom pain is until they experience it.”  I’m hoping you never have to.

Wednesday (3/18/2015)

Update:

Lyrica has brought my pain level down considerably.  It is less frequent, of shorter duration, and of a lower intensity.  Not gone; but better.  HOWEVER, my lightheadedness and dizziness has remained.    

I had planned to go to the gym for a swim; but I decided that I should not drive today.  My wife told me at dinner, “Even in your painful times, you were yourself and able to go out and do things; right now, you are not yourself.”  Oh yeah baby!  I am feeling exactly what you are saying!  

So I am hoping that this side effect of the medication will subside.  If it doesn't; I’d rather have the pain and be clearheaded.  At least then I can go about life.  If I choose to discontinue Lyrica, I might try another medication but I would guess that I would be headed to surgery.  There are no guarantees that surgery would work either but I would need to try.  I’d rather be in a wheelchair, have pain occasionally and not walking than being a bit out of it all of the time.

Thought for the Day:

Recently someone commented on the fact that my attitude is so good all of the time.  I responded:

“I decide right at the beginning that I didn't want to be miserable and whinny.  I truly trust in God and rely upon Him.  I spend a lot of time in bible and devotional reading to keep my mind in the right place. So far, I've only had a couple of days where I was in the dumps, actually none of them lasted a full day.   I quickly refocused on all the good things that have happened and thought about how I could have it so much, much worse.” 

“Thanks for bringing this all to mind--I just spent some time praising God for it all.  I know He is using all this for my good.  Hard as it may be, I am a better man for it all.”

Have you ever noticed that most of the things people get mad and upset about are rather minor?  It is also true that normally when it is a major event that is the focus of our bad attitude there is usually absolutely nothing (or very little) we can do about the situation.  We are stuck with the cards that we have been dealt.  We can complain about them.  We can call it quits and fold.  Or we can play the best we can with the hand we’ve been dealt.  I’ll have to admit that most times we aren’t dealt a very good hand; but there is no “Mulligan” in stud poker like there is in golf.  And we usually don’t get to travel back in time and undo a major event in our life that we wish we could change.  We are usually stuck with what we’ve got.

So are you going to let circumstances control your attitude or are you going to choose your own attitude?  You can’t normally control circumstances.  All you can do is control how you let them affect you.  Don’t just complain.  Don’t call it quits and fold.  Play the hand you’ve been dealt, and win or lose—enjoy the game!

Tuesday (3/17/2015)

Update:

Most of you know that I had my left leg amputated in December 2013.  I was very fortunate that for the first year I had very little pain—many amputees suffer from severe nerve pain.  Well, now I've been having pain in my amputated leg for the last three months.  At first we thought it was a fit issue with my prosthetic leg and so I've had three different test sockets built in that time.  Nothing helped.  We (my prosthetist and I) finally concluded it was nerve pain causing my problem.  The pain is almost entirely during the day with the socket on.  That is what was so confusing (most amputees have nerve pain at night).  During this time, I've also developed pain in my right foot which has just been determined to be neuropathic pain by my podiatrist so although it is painful, I can resume walking on it.  My legs were painful enough that I’ve gotten to the point of not even wanting to try to walk because it hurts so badly.  That’s an unhappy place to be in!

Today, my Physical Rehab doctor prescribed Lyrica along with Lidocaine patches for the one sensitive area at the end of my fibula.  That little bag of medication cost $725 (one-month supply).  Wow! So glad my insurance covered it.  Just started the medication at noon today.  So far, my pain seems to be somewhat reduced.  This afternoon I'm a bit lightheaded and dizzy from the Lyrica.  As my body adjusts to the medication, I hope these side effects will diminish.  I’ll be adjusting the dosage over the next couple of weeks, so I could a bit more dizzy than normal for the next few weeks! So Watch Out!  There is also another side effect that I am to look out for--swelling in the limbs—that isn’t good for an amputee because it means my prosthesis would no longer fit.   And it is rather sobering to get SIX PAGES of instructions and warnings for the Lyrica.  “Side effects may include, but are not limited to….blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah.”

Hopefully the medications will solve the pain issue.  If not, I'll probably be sent back to the surgeon to resection the nerve ending.  That surgery would mean a month or more for the leg to heal before I could start wearing my prosthesis again.  Hopefully it won’t come to that.

As I am proof-reading this post, the phantom pain in my missing left foot has really kicked in…SIGH!  Okay, in a couple of days I can increase the dosage if I need to—right now it looks like I will.  Hey! At least I have options and a hope for the future again.  I’ll try my best and see what happens.

Friday (3/13/15)

Update:

I got the best news possible from my podiatrist on Thursday.  My MRI showed absolutely no sign of Charcot or any broken bones.  The bones all looked healthy.  After looking at the scans, the doctor told me that most likely the pain I’ve been experiencing is neuropathic (nerve pain, similar to the phantom pain I experience in my missing foot).  He said that I could resume weight-bearing on the foot immediately.  He made no restrictions and no other treatment or procedure is necessary.  He did suggest that the next step would be trying medication to relieve the pain.  WOW!!!  Except for the pain itself, that is GOOD NEWS!  He did suggest that I take it slowly and continue to monitor the foot for other signs of damage.  I was so thankful for this outcome.  It was rather unexpected.  I really assumed I would be given more restrictions or face other tests or treatments.  I am grateful that the results were clearly negative and I can resume my life.

I already have an appointment scheduled for next Tuesday (3/17) with my physical rehab doctor (along with my prosthetist) to discuss going on pain medication because of my residual limb (phantom pain in the missing foot).  There also might be other options to try such as surgery or using a different system to build the prosthesis, etc.  So now it is just waiting until the appointment.

In celebration of the great results, I went and worked out at the gym this afternoon.  I haven’t been going for the last month because it would put more strain on the right foot transferring back and forth to all of the equipment.   It felt so good to go burn some calories instead of being stuck at home.

As long as I wasn’t walking, the pain levels in my left leg had decreased to almost zero.  Since getting back on the leg (although not really walking) the pain is back with a vengeance.  When I take my prosthesis off, it is obvious that what I am feeling is nerve pain because there is no physical evidence of any actual damage.  You might say, “It’s all in my head.” And BOY, does it give me a HEADACHE!!!

Phantom pain doesn’t mean that the pain isn’t real.  It just means that the body part that supposedly is the source of pain is missing.  The pain is real.  The body part that the brain thinks is hurting is no longer attached.  Very strange!  Our mind is a powerful thing.  I am glad that the system isn’t more glitchy than it already is. 

After I got back from the gym, I decided to see if I could dig my bicycle out of the shed.  That was fairly easy.  It took me longer to find the tire pump and my helmet than anything else.  I went on a short ride just to see how it felt.  I had no problems with my right foot.  My left leg and prosthesis gave me problems.  Phantom pain increased dramatically.  My prosthesis actually needs to be adjusted behind the knee (it digs into the back of the leg at the knee causing pain.  So far my prosthetist wanted to wait to see if we were keeping this socket or what before investing too much time in it.  If they aren’t going to give me something different fairly quickly, I’m going to ask she makes the adjustment immediately so I can reduce some of the pain and still be able to ride.  I want the exercise!

My plan is to go back to gym today and swim for an hour.  That’s a great workout that doesn’t stress the leg too much.  I’ll just keep on doing as much as I can without doing any physical damage to myself.  I’d prefer to be pain-free; but if I cannot be, then I’ll do as much as I can tolerate until such time as I am.  And besides, I am helping our economy by the sheer volume of Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I am currently buying!

Thursday (3/12/2015)

Update:

Yesterday I had an MRI done on my foot to determine what is causing the pain I’ve been experiencing.  I have a doctor’s appointment this morning to find out the results. This is the second MRI that I’ve ever had and I am glad that both have been on my lower extremities and my head stays outside of the tube.  I dislike staying perfectly still for 30-45 minutes during the test and that sucker is loud enough without my head being stuck inside of it!  During my first MRI, I was given ear plugs which merely reduced the noise level somewhat. Yesterday they gave me the option of listening to music—it turns out that it was “elevator” versions of real songs.  I guess it all worked out because the music kept me awake during the test.  I had a terrible case of the yawns and at home I often go to sleep with ear buds in and music playing. 

Afterwards, I had some blood work done.  I had to fast for a minimum of 12 hours, so it worked out okay that I was already at the hospital and could save an extra trip to the lab.  Even though I only live about 12 miles from the hospital and most of my doctors, I figured out that I drove over 2,000 miles last year for medical appointments.  I really need to find a new hobby!  So combining a trip seemed reasonable.  One of the cool things now is that you can set up to view your records and lab results on-line or even on your smartphone.  I don’t have the doctor’s appointment with my primary care doctor until next week; but I already know that my Hgb A1c is down to 5.2.  That is a three month average of your blood glucose level.  My last A1c done in August of last year was 5.7.  So I continue to drop and this new number is considered a normal and non-diabetic reading.  Whoot! Whoot!  This is without the use of insulin.  Through diet, weight loss, and exercise I’ve been controlling my diabetes.  That is such good news.  I’ve given up many foods, snacks, beverages, and desserts to do it; but I think it is worth it.

Speaking of exercise, I have been going nuts for the last couple of weeks since I was instructed to be non-weight bearing on my right foot.  I haven’t gone to the gym to work out and I’m feeling it.  With the weather moderating, I’ve wanted to ride my bicycle again, but I don’t dare put the extra pressure on the foot until I get some answers—hopefully I’ll get those answers today.

Thought for the Day:

For the last few days I’ve enjoyed listening to the birds sing in the morning.  I have always enjoyed the distinctive sound of the cardinal (Well hey! I am from St. Louis after all!).  It is hard to describe; but hearing the cardinal’s call really puts me in a state of peace.  It does the same thing for me that sitting out in the woods in the fall does for me.  It is not just restful—it’s spiritual.  A deep, abiding sense of peace and satisfaction washes over me.

This morning for my devotional time, I read Psalm 84 in the bible.  Here are the first few lines of this Psalm.

Psalm 84:1-4    “How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD of hosts!  My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God.  Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise!”

Reading this, the thought crossed my mind that the birds in the morning are singing songs of worship to the Lord.  Creation is naturally giving praise to the Creator.  No wonder I enjoy listening to the birds call!  It reminds me of my mission trips to Mexico.  I speak only enough Spanish to be dangerous!  So I would only catch a few words during a church worship service; but the singing would lift my heart even if I didn’t know the words.  My heart was joining theirs in praise to God.  That is how I feel as I listen to the birds early in the morning.  I may not understand the words; but I get the message.

While I am writing this, my resident cardinal began its calling.  Cheer, cheer, cheer.  Pretty, pretty, pretty.  That reminds me that it is time to worship and praise my Creator.

Here’s a link to hear the call of the cardinal and see some beautiful photography too.  It’s nothing like hearing it for yourself in person as dawn is breaking; but you get the idea. 

Whatever it is that brings you to a place of worship and a sense of peace; I hope that you find it and spend some time there today.

Monday (3/9/2015)

Update:

On Friday (3/6) I had my first eye injection using Lucentis for my macular degeneration and retinal swelling.  Lucentis is the new eye medication that was just approved by my insurance company.  It is pretty amazing that this drug costs about $2,000 a dose for just a few milliliters (the other medication I was using only cost about $150 per dose).  I think that I already see some improvement in my vision—that would be awesome.    I go back this afternoon for the injection in my left eye.  The real proof of its effectiveness will come next month when I have my next eye exam prior to that month’s injection.  My doctor suspects that I will continue to need monthly treatments for a couple more years.  Most of the patients that I see in the waiting room look like they are in their 70’s or 80’s to me.  I asked the nurse about this saying, “I think I must be one of the younger patients getting this treatment.”  Her response was, “You are our youngest patient by far for this!”   YES!  I am a record setter!  Maybe I can get into the Guinness World Book of Records or something!  Honestly, I am VERY thankful that my vision has made the improvements that it has and seems to have stabilized.  More improvement would be nice but I am grateful for what I’ve got. 

We had the air ducts cleaned over a week ago now and have been using the LP furnace for heat instead of our wood stove.  I used to get terrible sinus headaches whenever the heat was blowing; after having the ducts cleaned I don’t!  It isn’t perfect but we made the decision to transition from wood heat to LP.  Without the boys at home and with all the physical limitations that I face, it has been difficult using the woodstove.  This will save us a lot of work this summer cutting, splitting, and stacking wood for the winter (although I will want to get some wood so we can have a fire occasionally).  This marks the end of an era—we’ve heated with wood since the fall of 1999.  Sad to see it go; but I think it is the best. 

One of the things that needed to get done was the basement needed to be cleaned.  There was a lot of dust and dirt from burning the woodstove.  Most of my kids were able to come over and they spent about 5 hours cleaning and vacuuming on Saturday so that the clean furnace system wouldn’t suck all that stuff back up.  The worst part was taking down all of the tiles in the suspended ceiling and vacuuming the tops of them and between all the floor joists.  I really appreciate Kate, Ruth, Jon, and Josh taking the time to do that for me.

Last Thursday I was able to have lunch with Pastor Jerry Cellan from The Bridge Church.  We had a great time together.  Karen and I worshiped with them on Sunday (3/8).  It was their sixth anniversary as a church.  It is awesome to see what God has done during that time through the faithful service of so many people, especially Jerry and his wife, Sue.  On Friday, I had lunch with my buddy Rob and Pastor Paul from Jacob’s Well.  We had some great laughs together!  This morning Pastor Scott and I spent a few hours together.  Scott is the interim pastor filling in for me at Faith church during my sabbatical.  All four of these men greatly encouraged me.   I am thankful for the time I got to spend with each of them.

Thought for the Day:

Psalm 81:16   “But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.”

“One of God’s promises to His children recorded in Psalm 81:16 is that He will satisfy us with ‘honey out of the rock.’  Of course, you and I know that honey is perhaps the sweetest thing that nature can produce; and a rock is one of the hardest things in nature.  So here we have sweetness coming out of hardness—‘honey out of a rock.’  This is one of God’s promises, and you should claim it for yourself.” [Warren Wiersbe, The Bumps Are What You Climb On].

Wiersbe goes on to explain that out of the hardest, most difficult things in life, often good things, sweet things, occur.  One example of this would be childbirth.  From my wife’s reaction and comments, I don’t think that any person wants to experience that kind of painful labor; yet upon completion, there is joy because of the precious child that was born.  God can take whatever awful thing we experience and use it for His purpose in the end.  This is well attested in scripture (James 1:2-3; Romans 8:28; example of Jesus, etc.).  We usually cry out and beg for God to remove the ‘rocks’ or difficulties from our lives.  But Wiersbe suggests a different kind of prayer.

“Right now you may be going through a hard place.  You’ve been faithfully doing your job, yet you are right up against a rock, and the rock won’t move.  Ask God to give you honey out of the rock.  There is always some sweetness out of hardness when you let the Lord have His way.” [Warren Wiersbe, The Bumps Are What You Climb On].

This obviously takes a step of faith and is a demonstration of trust in the Lord.  When we are in pain and discomfort, it is normal and natural to want to be out from underneath it.  We may give up.  We strive to change our circumstances.  We might lash out in anger and frustration at the world or whoever we feel is responsible for the “rocks” in our lives.  If our situation doesn’t change we can become upset and bitter.  However, God says there is a different way.  Change your attitude; gain a new perspective; believe that God knows what He is doing and trust Him.  Ask God to provide some “honey” out of the “rock” you are facing.

Let’s face it.  God does not necessarily answer all of our prayers and take away everything that we don’t like.  We are often stuck with what we’ve got.  I don’t take that as a sign of God’s weakness, inability or an uncaring attitude towards our plight.  I choose to believe that He sees a bigger picture and is working behind the scenes to accomplish things in me and through me and around me although I may be oblivious to what is going on. 

With that said, I do think it is appropriate to repeatedly ask God to change what is happening to us; but always with the understanding that God is God and we are not.  Consequently He may not choose to answer our prayers in the manner in which we wish.  That is when it necessary for us to believe God and in His promises despite the outward evidence that we may experience.  It is also with an understanding that God will allow our “rocks” to remain and use them for His glory.

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10  “…there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

Saturday 3/7/2015 (video)

Update:

Here's a video I just posted about "Amputee Pain."  Just one more insight into the life of an amputee.

Friday 3/6/2015 (video)

Update:

I just posted a new video listing a few advantages and a major disadvantage to being an amputee.  It gives a little insight into the daily life of an amputee.  I hope you enjoy it.

Wednesday (3/4/2015)

Update:

Yesterday my podiatrist examined my foot and had x-rays taken of it.  As he suspected the x-rays didn’t conclusively reveal anything. [NOTE:  This is not my x-ray; but the arrow does point to the location of most of my pain]. I have neuropathy in my right foot, meaning that I don’t have normal feeling in it, so when I feel pain—the doctor becomes VERY concerned.  Consequently I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday (3/11) and then a follow-up appointment with my podiatrist on the following day.  My doctor said that we really need to discover the source of the pain and the MRI is the more definitive test.  Until that time I am to remain non-weight bearing on my right foot (except for transfers in and out of my wheelchair). 

The bones breaking and my arch collapsing in my left foot was the first step leading up to my amputation, so you can see why this possibility is concerning to both me and to my medical team.  At the very least it probably means that I will be stuck in the wheelchair for the next couple of months.  That feels like putting my life on “Pause” when I want to be out fully enjoying springtime.  It means losing ground in muscle tone because I am not walking.  It just plain stinks! 

However on the other hand, so far the damage isn’t severe.  I’ve been doing the right things and working hard to slowly regain my life.  It is a bit frightening to think that I didn’t do anything wrong or stupid to injure myself and yet it happened.  I wasn’t even walking or doing that much because of the pain I was experiencing from my prosthetic leg.  That concerns me about how much I will be able to do even if this current problem heals. 

Well, I’ll just have to face those possibilities when we have a more definitive diagnosis.  As my doctor said yesterday, we won’t even talk about treatment options until we know what we are dealing with. 

I just started my three month sabbatical from work last Sunday.  My son asked me what am I doing with all of my time now that I am not going into work each day?  Hmm…this week I’ve got three days of medical appointments and next week, I’ve got three days of medical appointments so far.  I’ve got three other appointments lined up on the other “free” days.  So I playfully answered, “With all my medical appointments who has time to work?”  I am grateful for the time off that I was granted from my church—I obviously am going to need it to rest and recuperate.

Thought for the Day: 

I get a daily bible verse sent to my email.  I often find that the verse for the day speaks to the situation that I am currently encountering.  I see this as a reminder that God is superintending events and circumstances of my life; He even takes the time to jog my memory and remind me once again that He is watching over me.

Here is the verse I received this morning:

Psalm 56:4   “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (ESV)

Upon reading this, my mind went immediately to the fact that my human flesh can fail me.  I was doing pretty well during the summer, feeling strong and like I was regaining lost ground.  I was able to do more and more—I wasn’t back up to 100% but I was on the upward trail.  Then things started to happen.  My residual limb (stump) shrunk (which is normal) and my prosthesis began to hurt me.  Okay!  Time for a new prosthesis!  But now three attempts later, my pain in my left leg has only increased and I’ve become increasingly more limited.  I have a joint appointment with my physiatrist (physical rehab doctor) and my prosthetist (person who makes and adjusts my prosthetic leg) to see about medication and anything else that we can try to lessen the pain so I can resume a “normal” life.  But before that can happen, my right foot begins to ache and throb.  Not good at all!!!  I may have a broken bone in the foot and that means staying off the foot and remaining in the wheelchair while it heals (if it does) for several weeks.  Emotionally I feel like my body has betrayed me with a one-two combination punch.

The English Standard Version (ESV) translation (that I quoted above) for this verse is accurate.  The Hebrew word is usually translated as “flesh” but the New International Version (NIV) (along with many others) may give it a more clear meaning by translating the Hebrew word as “mortal man” instead of “flesh.”

Psalm 56:4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? (NIV)

What can people do to me?  Well they may support me, encourage me, and assist me; but they also my seek to harm me, hurt me, or even kill me.

The bottom line message of this bible verse is that people may do their worst against us; but God is mightier.  If we trust in Him then ultimately nothing will go wrong.  This is a heavenly promise.  It doesn’t mean that we won’t face potentially horrible, difficult times in this life.  We are going to experience a mixture of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But God promises that no matter what this life throws at us, it will have no effect on what God will supply for us in the next.  There we who trust in Him will find blessing, contentment, and peace.

So what good does a promise about a better forever do for me today in the here and now?  What benefit is this “pie in the sky” assurance do for me while I am hurting and wounded today?  It reminds me to have hope.  No matter how bad it gets for me on this earth, it only lasts for a little while and something much better awaits me.  It allows me to move forward confidently despite how my flesh or the world around me treats me.  It lets me lift my head in defiance of how I am feeling and what is currently happening to me; to declare, “I am not finished.  I am not giving up.  This isn’t all there is to my life.”

I trust in God’s goodness and love therefore, I will not be afraid or discouraged.  Yes, I may have temporary setbacks where my faith momentarily falters; but it won’t last long because I know that God is greater than any difficulty that I face.  He may not rescue me from it; but He will be by my side encouraging and strengthening me every step of the way until I cross the victory line at the end of my race.  When the going is toughest, that’s when we need to remember this the most.

Tuesday (3/3/2015)

Update:

Karen and I had a great time in Chicago over the weekend with our daughter, Ruth, and her husband.  We got to see Trinity International University’s production “Fiddler of the Roof.”  I think it was the best production of Fiddler I have ever seen.  The first-time actor playing Tevye was phenomenal!  We had lunch after church on Sunday at the Cheesecake Factory—yummy food; but no cheesecake for me (sad face).  My wife and Ruth got to spend Sunday afternoon together and we got a tour of where Ruth works on Monday morning before we left for home.

Trinity is where I got my Master’s degree.  Karen hasn’t been back since I graduated in 1989.  We were able to take a side trip to see the house we lived in for the first year (in Waukegan, IL) and then the apartment that we lived in on campus for the remainder of our time.  Our son, David, was born in Waukegan (photo of small house) and our daughter, Ruth, was born in Bannockburn while I was in school there (photo of ground floor apartment).  So it was a special trip for my wife.

I’ve been in the wheelchair all week after developing a pain in my remaining right foot.  I’ve been taking entirely too much Tylenol and ibuprofen to combat the pain.   Except for transfers into and out of the wheelchair, I’ve been off my foot.  Talk about a pain!  (pun intended).  This afternoon (Tuesday) I have an appointment with my podiatrist to determine what is going on.

Sometimes you get a pain in your foot and you stay off of it for a day or two and everything is back to normal.  It has been a week now for me and the foot still hurts.  Not a good sign! 

If the doctor wants me to be totally non-weight bearing on the right foot—I’m going to be in trouble.  With my prosthesis causing pain in my left foot and then having to take the leg off, etc.  I really don’t know how I can do it.  At the very least, I’ll need to be sent to physical therapy to learn some new skills.  This could be a whole new ballgame for me. 

My wife and I were talking about my limitations and she said that my job right now is on “the Business of Living.”  Everything that I do takes more time and energy, especially now that I am in the wheelchair 24/7.   With all the pain I’ve been having for the last several months, my energy levels have dropped.  I’m sleeping 8-10 hours per day, I tire easily, and spend most of my time getting ready to do things (rather than actually doing them).

For instance, it’s snowing right now and they’re forecasting anywhere from 1-4 inches of the white stuff.  I have my doctor’s appointment this afternoon that I have to get to.  I had planned to get myself to the doctor’s office and then have one of the kids “on call” in case I couldn’t drive home.  Now with the snow that has to change.  Think of pushing a full shopping cart loaded with groceries through a snow covered parking lot.  That’s about how well my wheelchair works.  Since I cannot walk, I have to get someone to shovel my ramp and a path out to the truck.  Unloading at the doctor’s office could be a major hassle through a snow covered parking lot. Getting back up the ramp at home by myself in the wheelchair could be challenging (or impossible) in the snow—so now I need someone to help me get back in the house.  Whew!  After some phone calls, I’ve got a plan worked out and people lined up to help me—things were much simpler when I didn’t need to rely upon anybody else. 

I encountered a delay at my retinal specialist’s appointment yesterday.  For the last eight months, I have been getting monthly eye injections to stabilize the deterioration of my vision.  The doctor wants to try a different medication to see if the swelling in my retina will reduce more.  The catch is getting verification from the insurance company prior to the switch.  The new medication costs $2,000 per dose.  My doctor has had trouble in the past getting pre-authorization from some insurance companies but then after the treatment, they deny the claim and force the patient to pay for the medication.  At $4,000 per month, that is a lot of money for us to potentially have to pay out.  So we are trying to ensure it really will be covered.  The doctor gave us the codes, etc. to talk to our insurance company; but they refused to talk to us saying that the doctor needs to send in the pre-authorization form.  So we are getting run around.  Karen is going to try to get through to someone who will definitively answer the question so that we can feel comfortable in authorizing the doctor to proceed with the new medication.  My doctor said that with some insurance companies, they have to go through this pre-authorization hassle each month even though this kind of treatment typically last 1-2 years.  It means an extra doctor’s visit for me each month doing an evaluation and then having to come back twice more for the actual injections.  I am thankful for my wife’s involvement—I know she will pursue the question until she gets a definitive answer.  I’ve got to say that I know most people utilizing our medical system don’t need the extra hassle of wading through insurance paperwork on top of everything else they are going through.

Thought for the Day:

Warren Wiersbe, in his book, “The Bumps Are What You Climb On” says that there are three truths that we must learn about disappointments as recorded in Jeremiah 10:19

Jeremiah 10:19 “Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it.” (JKJV) 

The first truth is that we must 1) Expect disappointments.  The second truth is that 2) Our disappointments are in the hands of God.  The third truth is that 3) We must yield to God’s will and let Him heal our broken hearts and fulfill His desires.  [Warren Wiersbe, The Bumps Are What You Climb On]. 

If we expect everything to turn out perfectly in our lives; it is a bitter disappointment when they do not.  We don’t win every game we play as a child.  Defeat and losing can be bitter pills to swallow; but that is reality isn’t it?  Not every dream will come true.  Sometimes it will rain on the day you planned to go on a picnic.  People will disappoint you.  The promotion at work that you strived for may remain elusive.  Even your own body will fail you eventually.  Life is filled with disappointments.  Each one of us could easily make a list of our “Top Ten Disappointments.”  This isn’t to say that life is also filled with incredible joys and happiness too; this is a recognition that not everything turns out the way we want it.  Most of us don’t get a fairytale ending to our story.  So expect disappointments and you won’t be disappointed (LOL).  When you know things may happen, it makes it a bit easier to take.  It also is helpful when we are hit with disappointments to remember that every human being faces them—it is not just us being singled out for this distinction.  And disappointments really do hurt.    

Furthermore as a Christian, I need to remember that when disappointments come along in my life, God was not surprised by their appearance.   In fact, God in His sovereignty has specifically allowed them in my life and He has a plan and purpose for them to fulfill.  These are not merely random cosmic events, although they might appear to be so.  God plans to use those events in my life for a greater good and a higher purpose, regardless of whether I know and desire them to happen. 

This doesn’t mean that disappointments don’t hurt; it just means that I can humbly accept what is happening because I know it comes from the hand of God who loves me and wants the best of me.  When I was a child and asked my parents for permission to stay overnight at a friend’s house—it was disappointing when they said no.  But it never occurred to me that they refused my request because they hated me or didn’t care about me.  I knew they loved me and had their reasons for not fulfilling my request.  I trust God in the same fashion.

Now I could choose to fight against these disappointments and become angry and upset because God has allowed them to “ruin my life!”  But ultimately what good would that do me?  My attitude would not change what happened.  All it would do is make it harder for me to endure what was happening. These events would make me bitter instead of better.  A better response to disappointments to recognize that God can use them to make me a better person, so I should keep a better attitude towards them. 

Over time, with the right attitude, God can heal my broken heart.  In place of the desire that didn’t occur in my life, He can give me something better.  Not just a substitute; but an improvement on what I was seeking.  That is God’s plan and purpose. 

Some of the disappointments that we face are rather minor.  It doesn’t take too much to get over them.  Other disappointments may takes weeks or months to overcome  Whether is a serious relationship that is broken, a loss of a job, or a major debilitating illness, some disappointments are hard to handle.  We must remember that God’s timing is perfect and He doesn’t make mistakes.  We may not be able to understand what He is seeking to accomplish; but we don’t really have to as long as we trust Him.

So whatever you face today or in the coming weeks, remember that disappointments are a normal part of life; that disappointments are in the hands of God; and that He can bring healing to our broken hearts and accomplish His purpose through them.  So be at peace.  Take a deep breath.  Put it all into perspective.  Admit that it hurts; but then go beyond the hurt to the God who makes all things work according to His plan and purpose.  It takes an act of faith to trust that God is really in control; but that shouldn’t surprise us. It is a comfort just to remember that God is working behind the scenes and He has us in mind the entire time.