Friday 3/6/2015 (video)

Update:

I just posted a new video listing a few advantages and a major disadvantage to being an amputee.  It gives a little insight into the daily life of an amputee.  I hope you enjoy it.

Wednesday (3/4/2015)

Update:

Yesterday my podiatrist examined my foot and had x-rays taken of it.  As he suspected the x-rays didn’t conclusively reveal anything. [NOTE:  This is not my x-ray; but the arrow does point to the location of most of my pain]. I have neuropathy in my right foot, meaning that I don’t have normal feeling in it, so when I feel pain—the doctor becomes VERY concerned.  Consequently I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday (3/11) and then a follow-up appointment with my podiatrist on the following day.  My doctor said that we really need to discover the source of the pain and the MRI is the more definitive test.  Until that time I am to remain non-weight bearing on my right foot (except for transfers in and out of my wheelchair). 

The bones breaking and my arch collapsing in my left foot was the first step leading up to my amputation, so you can see why this possibility is concerning to both me and to my medical team.  At the very least it probably means that I will be stuck in the wheelchair for the next couple of months.  That feels like putting my life on “Pause” when I want to be out fully enjoying springtime.  It means losing ground in muscle tone because I am not walking.  It just plain stinks! 

However on the other hand, so far the damage isn’t severe.  I’ve been doing the right things and working hard to slowly regain my life.  It is a bit frightening to think that I didn’t do anything wrong or stupid to injure myself and yet it happened.  I wasn’t even walking or doing that much because of the pain I was experiencing from my prosthetic leg.  That concerns me about how much I will be able to do even if this current problem heals. 

Well, I’ll just have to face those possibilities when we have a more definitive diagnosis.  As my doctor said yesterday, we won’t even talk about treatment options until we know what we are dealing with. 

I just started my three month sabbatical from work last Sunday.  My son asked me what am I doing with all of my time now that I am not going into work each day?  Hmm…this week I’ve got three days of medical appointments and next week, I’ve got three days of medical appointments so far.  I’ve got three other appointments lined up on the other “free” days.  So I playfully answered, “With all my medical appointments who has time to work?”  I am grateful for the time off that I was granted from my church—I obviously am going to need it to rest and recuperate.

Thought for the Day: 

I get a daily bible verse sent to my email.  I often find that the verse for the day speaks to the situation that I am currently encountering.  I see this as a reminder that God is superintending events and circumstances of my life; He even takes the time to jog my memory and remind me once again that He is watching over me.

Here is the verse I received this morning:

Psalm 56:4   “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (ESV)

Upon reading this, my mind went immediately to the fact that my human flesh can fail me.  I was doing pretty well during the summer, feeling strong and like I was regaining lost ground.  I was able to do more and more—I wasn’t back up to 100% but I was on the upward trail.  Then things started to happen.  My residual limb (stump) shrunk (which is normal) and my prosthesis began to hurt me.  Okay!  Time for a new prosthesis!  But now three attempts later, my pain in my left leg has only increased and I’ve become increasingly more limited.  I have a joint appointment with my physiatrist (physical rehab doctor) and my prosthetist (person who makes and adjusts my prosthetic leg) to see about medication and anything else that we can try to lessen the pain so I can resume a “normal” life.  But before that can happen, my right foot begins to ache and throb.  Not good at all!!!  I may have a broken bone in the foot and that means staying off the foot and remaining in the wheelchair while it heals (if it does) for several weeks.  Emotionally I feel like my body has betrayed me with a one-two combination punch.

The English Standard Version (ESV) translation (that I quoted above) for this verse is accurate.  The Hebrew word is usually translated as “flesh” but the New International Version (NIV) (along with many others) may give it a more clear meaning by translating the Hebrew word as “mortal man” instead of “flesh.”

Psalm 56:4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? (NIV)

What can people do to me?  Well they may support me, encourage me, and assist me; but they also my seek to harm me, hurt me, or even kill me.

The bottom line message of this bible verse is that people may do their worst against us; but God is mightier.  If we trust in Him then ultimately nothing will go wrong.  This is a heavenly promise.  It doesn’t mean that we won’t face potentially horrible, difficult times in this life.  We are going to experience a mixture of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But God promises that no matter what this life throws at us, it will have no effect on what God will supply for us in the next.  There we who trust in Him will find blessing, contentment, and peace.

So what good does a promise about a better forever do for me today in the here and now?  What benefit is this “pie in the sky” assurance do for me while I am hurting and wounded today?  It reminds me to have hope.  No matter how bad it gets for me on this earth, it only lasts for a little while and something much better awaits me.  It allows me to move forward confidently despite how my flesh or the world around me treats me.  It lets me lift my head in defiance of how I am feeling and what is currently happening to me; to declare, “I am not finished.  I am not giving up.  This isn’t all there is to my life.”

I trust in God’s goodness and love therefore, I will not be afraid or discouraged.  Yes, I may have temporary setbacks where my faith momentarily falters; but it won’t last long because I know that God is greater than any difficulty that I face.  He may not rescue me from it; but He will be by my side encouraging and strengthening me every step of the way until I cross the victory line at the end of my race.  When the going is toughest, that’s when we need to remember this the most.

Tuesday (3/3/2015)

Update:

Karen and I had a great time in Chicago over the weekend with our daughter, Ruth, and her husband.  We got to see Trinity International University’s production “Fiddler of the Roof.”  I think it was the best production of Fiddler I have ever seen.  The first-time actor playing Tevye was phenomenal!  We had lunch after church on Sunday at the Cheesecake Factory—yummy food; but no cheesecake for me (sad face).  My wife and Ruth got to spend Sunday afternoon together and we got a tour of where Ruth works on Monday morning before we left for home.

Trinity is where I got my Master’s degree.  Karen hasn’t been back since I graduated in 1989.  We were able to take a side trip to see the house we lived in for the first year (in Waukegan, IL) and then the apartment that we lived in on campus for the remainder of our time.  Our son, David, was born in Waukegan (photo of small house) and our daughter, Ruth, was born in Bannockburn while I was in school there (photo of ground floor apartment).  So it was a special trip for my wife.

I’ve been in the wheelchair all week after developing a pain in my remaining right foot.  I’ve been taking entirely too much Tylenol and ibuprofen to combat the pain.   Except for transfers into and out of the wheelchair, I’ve been off my foot.  Talk about a pain!  (pun intended).  This afternoon (Tuesday) I have an appointment with my podiatrist to determine what is going on.

Sometimes you get a pain in your foot and you stay off of it for a day or two and everything is back to normal.  It has been a week now for me and the foot still hurts.  Not a good sign! 

If the doctor wants me to be totally non-weight bearing on the right foot—I’m going to be in trouble.  With my prosthesis causing pain in my left foot and then having to take the leg off, etc.  I really don’t know how I can do it.  At the very least, I’ll need to be sent to physical therapy to learn some new skills.  This could be a whole new ballgame for me. 

My wife and I were talking about my limitations and she said that my job right now is on “the Business of Living.”  Everything that I do takes more time and energy, especially now that I am in the wheelchair 24/7.   With all the pain I’ve been having for the last several months, my energy levels have dropped.  I’m sleeping 8-10 hours per day, I tire easily, and spend most of my time getting ready to do things (rather than actually doing them).

For instance, it’s snowing right now and they’re forecasting anywhere from 1-4 inches of the white stuff.  I have my doctor’s appointment this afternoon that I have to get to.  I had planned to get myself to the doctor’s office and then have one of the kids “on call” in case I couldn’t drive home.  Now with the snow that has to change.  Think of pushing a full shopping cart loaded with groceries through a snow covered parking lot.  That’s about how well my wheelchair works.  Since I cannot walk, I have to get someone to shovel my ramp and a path out to the truck.  Unloading at the doctor’s office could be a major hassle through a snow covered parking lot. Getting back up the ramp at home by myself in the wheelchair could be challenging (or impossible) in the snow—so now I need someone to help me get back in the house.  Whew!  After some phone calls, I’ve got a plan worked out and people lined up to help me—things were much simpler when I didn’t need to rely upon anybody else. 

I encountered a delay at my retinal specialist’s appointment yesterday.  For the last eight months, I have been getting monthly eye injections to stabilize the deterioration of my vision.  The doctor wants to try a different medication to see if the swelling in my retina will reduce more.  The catch is getting verification from the insurance company prior to the switch.  The new medication costs $2,000 per dose.  My doctor has had trouble in the past getting pre-authorization from some insurance companies but then after the treatment, they deny the claim and force the patient to pay for the medication.  At $4,000 per month, that is a lot of money for us to potentially have to pay out.  So we are trying to ensure it really will be covered.  The doctor gave us the codes, etc. to talk to our insurance company; but they refused to talk to us saying that the doctor needs to send in the pre-authorization form.  So we are getting run around.  Karen is going to try to get through to someone who will definitively answer the question so that we can feel comfortable in authorizing the doctor to proceed with the new medication.  My doctor said that with some insurance companies, they have to go through this pre-authorization hassle each month even though this kind of treatment typically last 1-2 years.  It means an extra doctor’s visit for me each month doing an evaluation and then having to come back twice more for the actual injections.  I am thankful for my wife’s involvement—I know she will pursue the question until she gets a definitive answer.  I’ve got to say that I know most people utilizing our medical system don’t need the extra hassle of wading through insurance paperwork on top of everything else they are going through.

Thought for the Day:

Warren Wiersbe, in his book, “The Bumps Are What You Climb On” says that there are three truths that we must learn about disappointments as recorded in Jeremiah 10:19

Jeremiah 10:19 “Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it.” (JKJV) 

The first truth is that we must 1) Expect disappointments.  The second truth is that 2) Our disappointments are in the hands of God.  The third truth is that 3) We must yield to God’s will and let Him heal our broken hearts and fulfill His desires.  [Warren Wiersbe, The Bumps Are What You Climb On]. 

If we expect everything to turn out perfectly in our lives; it is a bitter disappointment when they do not.  We don’t win every game we play as a child.  Defeat and losing can be bitter pills to swallow; but that is reality isn’t it?  Not every dream will come true.  Sometimes it will rain on the day you planned to go on a picnic.  People will disappoint you.  The promotion at work that you strived for may remain elusive.  Even your own body will fail you eventually.  Life is filled with disappointments.  Each one of us could easily make a list of our “Top Ten Disappointments.”  This isn’t to say that life is also filled with incredible joys and happiness too; this is a recognition that not everything turns out the way we want it.  Most of us don’t get a fairytale ending to our story.  So expect disappointments and you won’t be disappointed (LOL).  When you know things may happen, it makes it a bit easier to take.  It also is helpful when we are hit with disappointments to remember that every human being faces them—it is not just us being singled out for this distinction.  And disappointments really do hurt.    

Furthermore as a Christian, I need to remember that when disappointments come along in my life, God was not surprised by their appearance.   In fact, God in His sovereignty has specifically allowed them in my life and He has a plan and purpose for them to fulfill.  These are not merely random cosmic events, although they might appear to be so.  God plans to use those events in my life for a greater good and a higher purpose, regardless of whether I know and desire them to happen. 

This doesn’t mean that disappointments don’t hurt; it just means that I can humbly accept what is happening because I know it comes from the hand of God who loves me and wants the best of me.  When I was a child and asked my parents for permission to stay overnight at a friend’s house—it was disappointing when they said no.  But it never occurred to me that they refused my request because they hated me or didn’t care about me.  I knew they loved me and had their reasons for not fulfilling my request.  I trust God in the same fashion.

Now I could choose to fight against these disappointments and become angry and upset because God has allowed them to “ruin my life!”  But ultimately what good would that do me?  My attitude would not change what happened.  All it would do is make it harder for me to endure what was happening. These events would make me bitter instead of better.  A better response to disappointments to recognize that God can use them to make me a better person, so I should keep a better attitude towards them. 

Over time, with the right attitude, God can heal my broken heart.  In place of the desire that didn’t occur in my life, He can give me something better.  Not just a substitute; but an improvement on what I was seeking.  That is God’s plan and purpose. 

Some of the disappointments that we face are rather minor.  It doesn’t take too much to get over them.  Other disappointments may takes weeks or months to overcome  Whether is a serious relationship that is broken, a loss of a job, or a major debilitating illness, some disappointments are hard to handle.  We must remember that God’s timing is perfect and He doesn’t make mistakes.  We may not be able to understand what He is seeking to accomplish; but we don’t really have to as long as we trust Him.

So whatever you face today or in the coming weeks, remember that disappointments are a normal part of life; that disappointments are in the hands of God; and that He can bring healing to our broken hearts and accomplish His purpose through them.  So be at peace.  Take a deep breath.  Put it all into perspective.  Admit that it hurts; but then go beyond the hurt to the God who makes all things work according to His plan and purpose.  It takes an act of faith to trust that God is really in control; but that shouldn’t surprise us. It is a comfort just to remember that God is working behind the scenes and He has us in mind the entire time.

Thursday (2/26/2015)

Update:

Those who are friends with me on Facebook already know that on Tuesday afternoon (2/24) I started having painful throbbing in the metatarsal bones on the outside of my right foot.  That is extremely worrisome to me because of my increased risk that any injury to my remaining foot will lead to another amputation.  My surgeon and podiatrist have preached to me about my increased odds of having my remaining foot amputated, so when I have pain in my foot—I pay close attention and don’t ignore it.  Right now I am supposed to not bear any weight on the foot, so I am back in the wheelchair full time again.  I have a doctor’s appointment next Tuesday (3/3) for an evaluation.  Meanwhile I am elevating, icing, and taking ibuprofen as needed. 

I have a condition called Charcot Foot which means that the bone structure in my foot is weakened and susceptible to collapse.  That is what happened in my left foot which eventually led to the amputation.  Because of this condition, I’ve been under doctor’s orders not to do things like hopping or jumping, and have distance restrictions on how far I can walk.  So now I am under more severe restrictions until my evaluation, and then we will see what the doctor orders. 

All joking aside, I would much rather deal with phantom pain in my left leg than with this pain in my right foot because of what it may indicate. 

Thought for the Day: 

Randy Alcorn in his book “Seeing the Unseen” writes about Michelangelo taking a chisel in hand to slowly chip away at a large marble stone to create his masterpiece, the statue of David.  Michelangelo transformed the plain block of stone that other artists had rejected into something beautiful. 

“While Michelangelo may not have called upon the stone to cooperate with him, God has called us to yield ourselves by submitting to His chisel…  This transformation does not simply happen after we die.  It starts here and now in this world.  And suffering is the instrument.  God isn’t just preparing a place for us.  He is preparing us for that place.”  [Randy Alcorn, Seeing the Unseen].

At times this process of transformation feels like someone who comes into your home without our permission and cleans out your closet and chest of drawers and throws away most of your clothes.  “You threw away my favorite T-shirt!”  We may feel violated.  We experience a sense of loss.  But eventually we come to realize that most everything that is gone, we never wore anyway.  And some of it should have been tossed out years ago.  We really didn’t need all that junk anyhow.

Tap…tap…tap…  And God removes something from your life as He seeks to shape you and transform you.  It may be a relationship.  It could be your health.  It’s possibly a possession.  It may be a dream that you hoped to fulfill.  Whatever is chipped away needed to be removed so that your truest nature could be revealed.  For most of us it means suffering, inconvenience, pain, or difficulty.  These loses help us to discover who we really are and what is truly important to us.  They demonstrate to the world around us what we hold dear and in whom we trust when our world is falling apart around us. 

Transformation isn’t a painless process and it will take a lifetime to complete.  Michelangelo worked constantly for two years to create David.  Masterpieces are not created overnight.  It takes time.  Think about that the next time you feel God chiseling away at your life.  We usually want the process to be over quickly; but it takes time to take a rough stone and turn it into a polished work of art.  It should not surprise us to find that God will be working on us for a lifetime until He’s finished with us. 

Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”  When God looks at us He sees a masterpiece and begins the process of chipping away the excess and our rough spots so that we are finally revealed.  Remember that there is a reason, a purpose, and a goal in mind when the process seems painful.

Thursday (2/19/2015)

Update:

I haven’t written for a while.  It’s been a tough month for me.  Let’s just say that my leg has been a challenge to me and all of my medical team.  Trying to get me comfortable in a leg that I can use to the fullest has been elusive.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time in my wheelchair because the pain of walking was too much for me.  We still haven’t found a solution and the number of viable options seems to be decreasing.  Emotionally that has been the worst.  As long as I have something to look forward to, something else to try, options that may solve the problems I’ve been having—I can face that.  Right now it is sort of a “wait and see” phase.  I have to walk enough and try enough to produce pain and discomfort, chart what is going on, and hope that this is some actionable common occurrence (and there hasn’t been too much of that).   If I know that I am moving forward and getting closer to achieving the right fit—I can do it.  Right now it feels more like I am being asked to prove that there is nothing more to try.  Mentally, it is a very big difference to me. 

I think it is the uncertainty of it all that gets me the most.  I love the freedom and mobility that my leg affords me.  This past summer it was great! I was able to do so much and didn’t feel the sting of limitations.  Now, I am wondering if I’m headed towards surgery, medications which might dull the pain and dull my senses, or having to go back to the wheelchair full-time.  Maybe I am over-reacting to my current issues; but this is the way it currently feels to me.  If I knew what I faced—I think that I could handle that square on.  I mean, I didn’t hardly blink when the surgeon said that we should amputate my leg.  “Okay, let’s do it!  If amputation gives me the best prognosis for an active future, let’s go!” 

But now this has been dragging on for months and there is no end or resolution in sight.  This is much harder to take.  I do volunteer work leading bible studies for inmates in the county jail.  It seems to me that one of the toughest periods for them is the delay between the trial and the sentencing.  Not knowing whether it will be probation or years in prison is hard for them to take.  All you can do it wait; but the waiting isn’t easy.  It is better to know so you can mentally prepare.  I know that it is also tough for families in the waiting room while their loved one is in surgery.  You think about the worst and hope for the best.

How do you handle that kind of mental waiting?  All you can do is hope and trust.  I’ve been around enough to know that you cannot always expect that what happens to us will make sense and always turn out alright.  Counting on chance and fate is like betting against loaded dice—you are going to lose.  Instead, I choose to hope and trust that there is a God and that He is in control.  That doesn’t mean that everything always turns out the way that I’d like.  But it means that even when the worst gets thrown at me; I’ve got someone to lean on and know that He will be with me every step of the way. 

Warren Wiersbe in his book, “The Bumps Are What You Climb On” says this, “If you are yielded to Christ, your life is not a series of accidents; it is a series of appointments.  That God has a plan for you is vitally important.  If God doesn’t have a plan, then life has no meaning. Suffering is in vain; sacrifice is meaningless.  If there is no design for our lives, then there is nothing to fulfill and the logical thing to do is escape.”

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t normally understand God’s plan.  I do know that His ultimate goal is not our happiness; He wants to see us grow and mature.  Growth and maturity only come through adversity.  Strength and resilience comes when we are tested and tried.  God is interested in what the end result is; not what the current situation yields. 

Romans 8:28   “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I don’t necessarily like where my life is at right at this moment; but I am going to trust that God has a plan for my life.  I cannot necessarily see it or don’t know where it is headed; but as long as He does—I’m okay with that.  Just like driving at night.  My headlights only light the road immediately in front of me.  I cannot see the entire road to my destination; but that doesn’t stop me from driving.  I trust that my destination is ahead and keep going.  That is what I am choosing to do today.  I don’t know what my future holds—but I know who holds my future; and that is enough.

Wednesday (2/11/2015

Update:

It seems like it has been a long wait for my next test socket to arrive.    I have an appointment to have it fitted on Friday morning at 9 a.m., so the wait is over.  I was cast for this leg back on January 22^nd so it will have been just over three weeks.  Of course, this will be the third try to find a comfortable fit since my first definitive leg quit fitting well back in October 2014.  It has added up to a lot of painful steps and continually trying minor adjustments to see if we can make something comfortable again.  My prosthetist is optimistic that this will be the one to get me active and walking again.  Honestly, I’m hoping that it is; but I’m feeling doubtful.  I have this feeling that it will be another month or so and several more legs before something works.  I hope I am wrong!!  I’ve been riding the wheelchair for the last couple of weeks.  I wear my prosthesis but I am taking only a step here and there.  It causes enough pain taking less than 25-50 steps a day.  Someday!  Someday, I hope to be walking and able to go all day long again.  I’ve been dreaming about springtime and riding my bicycle again.  I really enjoyed getting out and getting the exercise last summer.  It can’t come soon enough.  I want to walk be able to do small chores around the house, or spend more time out doing stuff.  Right now I have only limited mobility and if I do just a little bit too much, I’m in pain.  Pain robs me of my energy pretty quickly.  I’ve had to drastically cut back on most things to compensate.

For the first time, I had lightning bolt kind of pain in my right leg the other night.  My right leg is the “original manufacturer installed parts” (the leg I was born with; my ‘meat’ leg).  It started off every 20 minutes or so during the early evening.  It increased in frequency until I was sucking air about every 30 seconds.  That lasted for four hours.  WOW!  That was intense!  It finally calmed down and I was able to get to sleep about 11:30 p.m. (2½ hours past my bedtime).  At 3:30 a.m. I was woken up by more lightning bolt pain shooting down my leg.  I am kind of use to that in my left leg; but this is the first time I’ve had it in the right leg.  Since that night, it hasn’t happened again.  I was getting ready to call the doctor for an appointment to get something to help the pain.  But since it hasn’t happened again, I’ll wait.

My prosthetist has already been wondering if maybe part of my problem with pain has nothing (or little to do) with my socket.  So I should try some medication to see if that helps.  I want to try the new socket before I go on any meds to see it changes anything.  If I still have the phantom pains in my left (amputated) leg, then I probably will give the meds a try.  As I have said before, I am extremely fortunate that I have had so little nerve pain since my amputation in December 2013.  Most amputees are not so blessed. 

I got fitted for a brand new wheelchair.  My current chair was loaned to me by a family member.  It was an older chair; but it has worked great for me so far.  But now the wear and tear of me using it and its age is really showing.  It is quite the process of appointments to get approved for a wheelchair.  I guess it makes sense so that insurance doesn’t pay for something that isn’t necessary; but it seems excessive.  Everything has to be justified, documented, down to the smallest detail.  So I had to go over the details of my injury, lifestyle, mobility issues, doctor’s limitations, etc., etc., etc.  with a physical therapist and the rep from the wheelchair company.  And this is for a fairly simple, “push it yourself” wheelchair.  I can only imagine what it would take if I needed a powered chair!  It will probably be about another six weeks before I get my new chair.  One of the issues with my current chair (among other things) was that the arm rests were cracked.  It was pinching the skin on my arms using it.    I knew it would take 8-12 weeks total to get the chair, so I started early before it got too bad.  Right after I had the final wheelchair evaluation, I got the armrest stuck under a table at my office and ended up ripping the vinyl to pieces.  I just laughed.  Talk about good timing!  Good thing the chair is coming soon (relatively).  It does amaze me how long it takes to get any durable medical equipment.  I haven’t had it bad; but a lot of people don’t have any other resources and they have to sit and wait forever to get something that they really need.  It just seems wrong!  Wish we could fix that, especially for older seniors.

With all the pain, I’ve had to get more sleep, I have less energy to do things, and I’m not as mentally focused as I’d like to be.  All that to say that I haven’t been able to give full-time effort to my church lately.  The way things have gone over the last four months, I am beginning to wonder if I ever will get back to 100%.  The church has been very gracious to me during my recovery period.  On March 1^st, I’ll begin a three month sabbatical so that I can get more rest, attempt to gain full-recovery, and evaluate whether I will be able to return to full-time ministry.  I am thankful for their continued support of me while I try to determine the long-term nature of my challenges.  It will be very strange to be gone that long from the church that I’ve pastored for the last 18 years.  However I’m looking forward to the respite.

Wednesday (2/4/2015)

Update:

I had a great time at the conference I attended last week.  I was challenged by the speakers and got to reconnect with old friends and meet a few new ones.  I also was able to spend some time with my daughter, Ruth, and son-in-law as well.  I used my wheelchair over 95% of the time and only stood and walked when I absolutely had to do so.  In this fashion my pain was manageable and I could endure the long hours of the conference.

Two things to note from the perspective of a wheelchair.  First, nobody notices you sitting down there in a crowd.  While trying to get through the crowded entrance area before and after a session, I was tripped over numerous times.  I guess we normally scan the area at eye level.  If we don’t see anybody at that level, then nobody must be there, right?  It got to be rather funny after a while wondering who would run into me.  Nobody seemed to get hurt doing it, so it was okay.  I also noticed that those trying to navigate through the crowd would be noticed by those standing and talking and they would clear a path for those traveling through.  I, on the other hand, had to poke people and say, “Excuse me,” to get noticed enough for a clear path to form for me.  Secondly, the sidewalks were terrible for a wheelchair.  I encountered numerous giant cracks that nearly dumped me out of the chair.  I also found several sections of sidewalk that had been removed and replaced with gravel (probably the old sidewalk broke last fall and they didn’t get a chance to pour new concrete before winter hit).  That made for a more challenging path.  I did get my upper body workout by rolling along.  I also encountered those push-button automatic door openers that didn’t work, and buildings that weren’t really handicapped friendly.  It is a different world when you look at it from new perspective.  I know that I never thought about those things before I used a wheelchair personally. 

Since coming home, I’ve decided to continue using my wheelchair 95% of the time until I get my latest test socket (sometime the week of February 9^th).  There is nothing they can do to increase my comfort in the current leg and there is no point in abusing myself with the increased pain levels I am experiencing with this leg.  Going back to almost totally using wheels instead of walking with a prosthesis feels very limiting; but it is what I’ve got to do for now.  You know how it feels after driving 70 mph on the interstate for hours and then hit construction where you are only driving 30 mph?  It feels SO SLOW after speeding along.  Mentally that is the difference between walking with my prosthesis and using the wheelchair.  I’m glad I have the option; but I long for the ability to walk without pain again.

Some may not know that I am the pastor of a church.  My congregation has been very patient, gracious, and supportive of me during the past year of recovery.   But with the last 2-3 months of pain, constant medical appointments, etc. I really have begun to wonder if I will ever be able to resume a normal full-time schedule.  In fairness to the church, I began a discussion with the leadership.  Their response was to offer me a three-month long sabbatical.  It will allow me time to get more rest and give me time to better evaluate my long-term work potential.  Right now I don’t know whether or not I will ever be able to effectively return to full-time ministry.  My medical team believes that I will; but I have my doubts and I cannot guarantee that I won’t have continual temporary setbacks.  That hurts to say that; but it is an honest question that I have to deal with.  Right now, I am trying to tie up some loose ends at work before I start the sabbatical.    

Thought for the Day:

I’ve read several things recently about the biblical prophet Elijah.  After a great victory on Mt. Carmel, he had a breakdown (1 Kings 19).  He was emotionally and physically beat.  God’s solution for him was a time of rest—lots of sleep and food.  After Elijah’s physical needs were met, then God worked on the negative thinking that had crept into his mind.  Elijah needed a new vision of how great God was and all that He was doing in the world around Elijah.  Eventually Elijah returned to ministry with a renewed sense of purpose and energy.

Whether you call it burnout, the beginning of depression, or just being bone-tired weary, sometimes life overwhelms us and we need a break.  Ever notice what a difference the weekend makes, or how refreshed you feel after getting away on vacation?  Even getting a good night’s sleep can make all the difference in the world to us.  Some people have an amazing ability to work non-stop and continue to be productive; but eventually all of us need a break.  We need some down time.  Even Jesus took a pause in ministry with the intent of getting away with his disciples for a time of rest (Mark 6:31, 32). 

When we are used to taking care of others, getting the self-care that we ourselves need can be tough.  I cannot think of a tougher job than being a single parent.  Everything relies upon you and if you don’t do it—it doesn’t get done.  Work, chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc.), kids (homework, juggling everyone’s schedule, drive them to events, care for them when they are sick or upset, etc.): that’s at least 25 hours of work in a 24 hour period.  That doesn’t leave time for much rest and relaxation for mom or dad.  It’s easy for a single-parent to feel guilty for not being able to do it all.  It is hard to find the time to just put your feet up for a few minutes each day, let alone an entire evening! 

It’s okay to admit you are struggling and to ask for help, even if you are only admitting it to yourself and calling out to God for help.  Everyone is wired differently, so what overwhelms me may not seem too much to you—so be gracious with others.  Reach out and lend a hand whenever you can.  Offer to babysit for a few hours or bring a meal over to give them a break.  Remember to lift each other up in prayer and to pass on a word of encouragement. 

If you are struggling with life right now; it is okay to admit that.  Sometimes we just need to tough it out for a little longer for things to turn around; but sometimes those struggles are a sign to us that something got to change.  In the midst of our difficulties it is often hard for us to get a clear picture of what we should do.  The counsel of a wise friend and looking for spiritual wisdom through prayer, bible reading, and reflection can be great sources of wisdom for what you face. 

God can often be a source of hidden strength and refreshment to those who rely upon Him.  Through Him we are able to do far more than we ever could do on our own.   God understands our struggles.  Read Psalm 42 and 43.  You’ll hear David’s cry of despair and his ultimate decision to trust in God’s strength and provision in times of trouble.  That’s a good example for each of us to follow.

Psalm 43:5   “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”