Friday (1/31/2014)

Update:

Karen’s mother remains in the hospital with shingles and bronchitis.  Originally they thought she had congestive heart failure but tests revealed it is bronchitis instead.  We aren’t certain when she’ll be released from the hospital but Karen said that the medication had already reduced her pain significantly.

Yesterday, I finished off the leftovers at lunch and had to fend for myself for dinner.  I sautéed a large onion and lots of garlic in olive oil and then fried up some hamburger.  Took peas and some breakfast beans and a squirt of ketchup and had a yummy meal!  Pretty proud of myself!  And I found that sitting down chopping onions has an advantage.  I guess most of the fumes that make your eyes water go up while you’re chopping.  So if you are standing over the board, onions cause tears.  Sitting to the side and on the same level of the onions, I had no problem with them whatsoever.  It was the same with cooking them on the stove.  Sweet!

We were towards the end of the ketchup bottle, so it has been sitting upside down in the refrigerator for a while.  I had my plate of food in my lap (because the counter was full of the pans and bowls holding the food I cooked).  I had forgotten that the squeeze bottle of ketchup seems to build up pressure sitting upside down in the fridge.  When I popped the top—ketchup went squirting out all over my pants.  Lots of ketchup!  Of course it missed the plate but went all over my thighs and down the leg of the pants.  I had to put the food aside and go change pants before I could eat.  At least my dirty clothes smell good now!

I did a few pieces of ironing yesterday and plan to finish up the rest of it today.  I just left the ironing board and iron out last night ready for use today.  Getting the ironing board out of the closet and setting in up is the hardest part of the job in a wheelchair.  Closets in general are a nuisance.  I don’t quite fit into them and then someone put the clothes rod in for people standing up so everything is a s-t-r-e-t-c-h to reach.   Shirt hangers aren’t too bad; but those fancy pant hangers are tough to unhook.  The living room closet has the clothes rod set even higher than normal—I cannot hang anything up in there.  I can manage to pull my coat off of the hanger but I cannot put it back when I am done.

My left hip aches after sitting in the chair for over an hour, so I am frequently stretching out on the couch or on the bed.  Sometimes it limits my productivity because I cannot sit at the computer for long periods of time.  It seems like my discomfort forcing me out of the wheelchair and moments of creativity coincide.  So I try to continue to write until I can bear it no more, then I have to set it aside until I find relief.   Speaking of which…I’ll be back in a while.

Thought for the Day: 

Isaiah 40:29-31   “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

I’ve been drawn to the final phrase of Isaiah 40:31.   I keep running across it in my reading.  Another version changes the last word:  “They will walk and not become weary.”  I like the sound of that!  I’ve been warned that walking with a prosthetic leg is very tiring and that it will take time to build up the strength and endurance that I need to go throughout the day with it.  It sounds like, especially in the early days, that I will be giving it everything I’ve got and have to push through tiredness to take just one more step.

These promises come at the end of the 40^th chapter.  The entire chapter is worthy reading—you’ll find all sorts of familiar phrases echoed in the New Testament.  Although this chapter is full of wonderful promises, perhaps we need to understand the context of the chapter to fully appreciate what is being said.

“The intent of this great chapter was to encourage the Israelites, as they looked forward to captivity, to continue to depend on, and submit to, the Lord. He could and would deliver them eventually. The Christian can also find encouragement here, in view of the greatness of our God and His promises to deliver us, too.” [Dr. Thomas L. Constable, On-line Expository Notes]

Isaiah is a book of warning.  God had decided that the people of Israel were going to be taken captive and taken into exile.  In Old Testament times that meant the end of the nation; nobody ever came back and rebuilt their nation.  These words were written to those who were beaten down and had unimaginable difficulties in their lives.  Family members killed, homes demolished, fortunes confiscated, their entire life was destroyed. This wasn’t to happen and then they’d quickly be restored.  This exile was to go on for decades. In the midst of this gloom and doom prophecy, Isaiah writes God’s words of hope and promise in chapter 40. 

If I look at my life and you look at yours, in comparison to the Israelites, we’ve got it pretty easy.  We may face insurmountable difficulties and hardship; but the Jewish people had it worse.  I am not making light of what you are going through.  I just want to make certain that you understand that God made some pretty amazing promises to people in a far more desperate situation than you or I are facing.  If He can help them; He can certainly help us.

There is a caveat or a prerequisite to claiming those promises.  It is to “wait upon the Lord.”

"This expression ‘those who wait for [hope in] the Lord’ implies two things: complete dependence on God and a willingness to allow him to decide the terms."  [Dr. John Oswalt, New International Commentary on Isaiah].

When you realize that you aren’t able to do it yourself; that you don’t have the resources or the strength, and you cry out to God for help—that is complete dependence.  This isn’t a request for a little bit of a boost to get me over the top—this is a “911 Emergency Call.”  You don’t have anything left to offer.  You’ve tried your hardest; but it wasn’t enough and you’ve got nothing left to give.  You’ve got no room left to bargain with and you don’t have anything left to make a deal.  You are at the complete mercy of God to supply everything that you need.  You cannot offer terms or conditions to God, “Well God, if you do this…then I will do that…”  All you can do is to cry out for HELP!  “Whatever you decide God will be good enough for me!”  Then your hope is in the Lord and you are waiting for Him.

I don’t think it means that we have to actually be broken in body and spirit, crush financially and in ruin before we can hope and trust in the Lord.  I believe that in our hearts we can approach God with that kind of attitude and with that kind of understanding right now.  I may already be in situation where I am trying and even now I understand that I won’t have enough to beat it.  I’ve still got a ½ tank of gas; but I know that I’ll run out far sooner than I will arrive at my destinatio.  Right then, in that moment of realization, I can trust and hope in the Lord.

Look and see what God promises to those who wait and trust in Him.  Take a realistic evaluation of your life.  Do you have any areas in your life where you absolutely need God?  Look again to the promise of God and then place your hope and trust in Him.

Isaiah 40:29-31   “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Thursday (1/30/2014)

Update:

After writing my update, doing exercises and taking my shower, I spent most of the day yesterday inputting my insulin usage into the computer program that tracks my blood glucose.  I could only add insulin numbers for so long, and then I would take a 30-45 minute break and do something else for a while, then go back to it.  It was a pretty quiet day except for the guys coming over three times (9a-noon-3p) to put wood in the stove down in the basement.

Along with a lot of other people in the area, I’m hoping to milk what LP I have left in the tank until the prices drop back down.  Our hot water heater and furnace runs on LP.  The furnace only kicks on if the house drops below 58 degrees, so keeping the woodstove stoked is a good thing.  It normally costs about $500 to fill our tank—I really want to avoid paying over $2,000 to do it.  Without any kids at home, we don’t burn as much hot water for showers as we used to—so I’m thinking we can make it awhile.

My mother-in-law wasn’t feeling well so Karen, my wife, spent the afternoon and evening on Wednesday with her at the urgent care and then in the emergency room having tests done.  There will be more tests run today on Thursday.  From what I have been told it is nothing immediately life threatening, but she is miserable.  So that meant a quiet night alone for me.  I made some buffalo chicken and a large salad for dinner.  Karen got home about 1 a.m. after her mother was settled and sound asleep in her hospital room.  She was back up at 4:30 a.m. for our breakfast and then to get to work by 6 a.m.  That’s not much sleep to run on during a busy day. 

Physically, I think my stump is back to normal after Sunday’s pounding it into the floor.  I never had any bruising and all the tenderness is gone.  However, I believe it will take a while for the nerve endings to settle down.  Wednesday I had more phantom feelings and slight phantom pain than ever before; nothing too intense, just non-stop for most of the day.  It is more of a weird feeling than anything else; my brain kept insisting that my ankle was sprained or that the joints in the ball of my foot were achy.  (I’m wondering if icing an imaginary ankle would help?  And would it work if I merely imagine that I am putting ice on it?)  I am guessing that this will last a day or two longer and then fade away.

I had pushed my exercises and weights pretty hard Tuesday, so I did a lighter routine on Wednesday to let everything recover before I go crazy again on Thursday.  I want to be especially careful to not overdo it with my left shoulder.  I’ve dislocated it a couple of times and have some nerve damage.  Whenever I overdo it, my left arm and hand goes numb (sometimes they would stay numb and tingly for a full day or more).  So I am slowly working the muscles and that joint trying to toughen and strengthen them without abusing them.  So far, I’ve done pretty well

My plan was to go to the church office to work again this afternoon; but after talking with Karen this morning, I think it is best if I just stay home.  Karen will be leaving her office as soon as possible to go be with her mother for the evening; I’ll be making my own dinner, etc. so I don’t want to use all of my energy going out to the office.  Also, it is a bigger hassle to get me in and out of vehicles if you have to shovel snow both times.  Karen wouldn’t be able to come get me tonight which would mean asking someone to transport me twice, so I will work from home and get things ready for the bulletin and work on my message from there. 

Thought for the Day:

Proverbs 13:12   “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Isn’t true?  We begin to lose heart and give up hope if what we are longing for remains unfilled for too long.  Those who are longing for freedom, for release, for happier times, for health; no matter what we seek, waiting can be brutal and even cause despair, depression, or even illness if our desires are deferred too long.   But when what we have long awaited finally arrives, there is joy and happiness.  One minute it seems like the world is about to end; and the next moment it feels like spring time--fresh blooming flowers and bunnies hopping in the lawn just after a shower and the sun pops out.

Most every one of us has something we are waiting for, something that we long to see fulfilled.  Whether it is me waiting for my prosthesis so I can walk, or someone who lies in a hospital bed waiting for the pain to subside, waiting is difficult.  Someone might wait years to hear a decision to be made in their court case.  Waiting to hear the test result from the doctor’s office when you fear it might be cancer can be unnerving.  In the grand scheme of things, it may not seem too important, but being in high school waiting for your acne to clear up or for someone to text you and invite you to the prom can be nerve-wracking.

At times our wait seems to go on forever and we begin to lose hope and begin to doubt that it will ever happen.  I know that I am fairly impatient.  As a society we are not patient people.  Waiting in line or waiting in a doctor’s office is very hard for most of us.  When I think that I’ve waited a long time, I remember the people of Israel who were in bondage to Egypt for 400 years.  Image crying out to God, not just for 30-40 years, but generation after generation!  That makes my moaning about thirty minutes on hold for tech support or five days for a package to arrive look like childish whining.

Humanly, I struggle with that concept—400 years!!!  Imagine crying out to God and you hear this, “Prayer Hotline: Please hold for the next available miracle.  Your estimated waiting time is 385 years.  Your prayer is important to us, so please stay on the line.”   Why does God wait so long to bring deliverance and answer those prayers?  I think of all those thousands and thousands of people who lived as slaves and never found the deliverance that they prayed for.  It is hard for me to fathom God ignoring them for that long.

“Why does God withhold deliverance at times? It is in order to bring greater glory from the situation. It isn't because He doesn't care. It is because His plan for mankind is resting in these events. It is a finely tuned plan that involves many people and situations - all operating at the same time. It can seem cruel at times…This plan is not always the kind of deliverance we might think is best. It sometimes has pain surrounding the deliverance. When a mother gives birth, that child is delivered into this world through much pain. But with that pain comes great joy on the other side. Every mother will say the pain was worth it because of the exceeding joy that child brought in the midst of the pain.”  [Os Hillman in his daily email devotional Prime Time for God for 1/30/2014, www.churchgrowth.org]

I’ve mentioned several times that the purpose of life is not our personal happiness (although that isn’t life’s main purpose, I am glad that there is a good measure of happiness thrown into the mix anyway).  I remember as a kid thinking about praying for rain or for sunshine.  I wondered how that worked because even then I understood that farmers might be praying for rain while I wanted sunshine so I could play outside.  It would be a giant meteorological mess if God answered everyone’s prayer for the weather at once.  

How does God decide?  He decides according to His plan for the grand scheme of things.  Sometimes things will get worse before they get better and people will suffer.  I trust that God does not allow more suffering than is needed for His plan—but I am reminded that He isn’t a genie that we control who must grant our wishes.  If you believe God exists to answer every one of your prayers, you will be very disappointed and quickly renounce belief in God.  Despite what some people will call evidence that God does not exist, I believe that He is alive and active in the world around us to a greater degree than we can imagine.  I admit that He does not think and act like I would like Him to at times.  But I also understand that I do not see the big picture. And I admit that I often don’t care about the big picture—what I care about is me and my little world.  I don’t pretend to comprehend what God is doing at times by what He allows.  But I do trust Him and am confident of His love for us.  Parents often do things that their children cannot comprehend why they do it.  I’ve questioned my parents (maybe not out loud—but in my mind) many times but I never doubted their love and desire to do what was best for me.

So…Heavenly Father, I wish you would answer my prayers more quickly.  I wish that you would do it the way I want it done when I want it done…  NO!  Wait a minute!  I remember times when I messed everything up because I thought I knew best.  I want to change my prayer to this: God, I would rather trust you to answer prayers as You believe is best.  Grant me the patience to wait, and the trust to continue to believe and hope in you.  AMEN.

Wednesday (1/29/2014)

Update:

I’ve slept well the last few nights and sometimes wake up a few minutes before the 4:30 a.m. alarm (of course I get to go back to bed for another 90 minutes sleep after my wife leaves for work so that I get about 7 hours sleep/night).    My stump is still slightly tender but seems to be returning to “normal.”  Yesterday when it ached, the nerve endings that got banged up were telling my brain that my ankle or my toes were injured.  It is kind of freaky looking at your amputation site when the brain tells you that your foot hurts that is no longer there. 

It took me some time to organize all the new medical appointments and come to grips with all the new information that I received yesterday.  I finally got my health insurance policy in the mail (about 25 days later than expected.  I still haven’t received my ID card that everyone asks for. “It’s in the mail.”).  I spent some time reading through the information trying to understand how it all works.  I called the service center to find out exactly what was covered under the vision section.  I’ve needed new glasses for some time and it is really time to get them.  

Getting the good news yesterday and feeling like I am moving forward really helped me desire to do my daily exercises this morning.  Just got to keep focused upon the goal and work every day towards it.  I’ve already noticed increased muscle and strength developing.  In the end, I will be in much better shape than I was prior to my amputation.  I usually play music while I am exercising and found that it helps as well, especially if I can time my bicycle exercise with a fast song—helps to keep my rhythm up. 

I was able to go work at the office again on Tuesday afternoon.  Didn’t necessarily get much accomplished but I did get some things done.  Karen picked me up about 6:15 p.m. and we went home to hibernate.  It is supposed to get up to 20 degrees today.  Break out the swim suits!!!  We are within a couple of days of setting a record for the most days below zero for a high temp during the winter season.  We should set that new record easily unfortunately.  I heard some people wondering what kind of spring we would have this year.  It feels like we deserve a reward of a pretty spring to make up for the extreme cold we’ve had this winter.

I spent most of Tuesday evening working on loading a software program that helps track my blood sugar and insulin use.  I got the program set up and most of my personal data is entered.  My meter downloaded all the readings but I have to enter the glucose amounts by hand.  I’ll spend part of Wednesday entering that data.  The program has charting features and prints a nice table so it will be easier to track trends and manage my sugars. It also prints reports so it will be easy taking the information to the doctor. 

Thought for the Day:

Here are two quotes that I really like that I got from one of my firefighters (Thanks, Kellyn!).  The quotes are from Walter Anderson, I don’t know much about him yet; but I like what he says in these quotes (German writer, 1885-1962). 

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.”

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.”

In John Maxwell’s book “The Difference Maker” he cites five perspectives that we need to have in facing problems:

1. 1.      Problems are everywhere, and everybody has some.
2. 2.      Our perspective on the problem, not the problem itself, usually determines our success or failure.
3. 3.      There is a difference between problem spotting and problem solving.
4. 4.      The size of the person is more important than the size of the problem.
5. 5.      Problems responded to correctly, can actually advance us forward.

Whatever we face, we must remember to get the proper perspective on it. It doesn’t help us to have a “pity poor me party” or to just give up in defeat without even trying.  Depending on the size of the problem, it may take us a bit of “mental recalibration” to get into the proper state of mind. 

The other day someone asked me how I was doing.  I told them how content and satisfied that I was and how optimistic I am looking towards the future.  I guess they couldn’t fathom me having those attitudes and so then said, “No, really, how are you doing?”  I told them that I really am feeling that way.  I am not trying to say things that I think people want to hear.  I am definitely not saying things that I think are the correct answer, even if I don’t feel that way.  I am telling you the truth.  I do admit that there a have been two days when I had some news that knocked me back a bit and it took several hours to process and get back up on top of things.  But that kind of goofy, positive outlook, happily contented person is who I truly am and how I truly feel.

It would be easy to sink into a depression and feel sorry for myself.  But what good would that do me?  It would make living with me all that more difficult for my wife.  I’ve taken some hard knocks—but the fight isn’t over and I still think I can take it.  So bring it on!  When I was in the prosthetic lab the other day, I saw a motivational poster of a man strapping on his prosthetic leg with the caption, “LIFE: Some Assembly Required.”  I like that!! 

To help combat the mental drag down towards depression and despair, I do a number of things daily that work for me (these are in order of importance with #1 being the most important): 

1    

    Spiritual: I read a portion of scripture every day.  I read until an idea or thought pops off of the page and into my mind.  Then I pray.  I start my prayers talking to God about what I just read and what I need to learn from it, etc.  Then I ask for “my daily bread.”  That is His provisions for what I need that day: food, shelter, love, strength, encouragement, etc.  Knowing He is there to assist me and He goes with me every step of the way gives me courage to keep moving forward.

  

     Mental:  I really am in the process of reading eight different books on suffering, pain, and attitude, etc. (I have five more books lined up to read when these are done). I only read about a chapter (or a section) in each book.  I pick up the first one and keep reading until I hit something that really hits my heart or my mind (these things usually end up as my “Thought for the Day”).  Some days I find that in the first book.  Some days, I read all eight and haven’t quite got it.  I usually find that someone will have just what I need posted on Face Book or find an article on-line.  I am constantly pushing good, quality stuff into my mind to challenge my thinking.  I choose not to dwell on the negative and despondent thoughts.  Some times that takes mental energy to not go down that path—but the more you train your mind to not go there—the easier that becomes. 

3 

        Physical: I keep pushing myself to do a few more reps of exercise, or to find a new one to add to my routine.  I started out doing stretching and mobility exercises that the doctor prescribed.  He gave me about 10 that I was supposed to do twice a day.  I’ve added about 20 additional ones and have increased the number of reps on them all.  I also started lifting some light weights—things I can do sitting on the edge or lying on the bed with dumbbells.  I started out with 5 lbs., and then it was 10 lbs., now I am at 12 lbs.  It is time to start using the next size up. 

    

     Relationship and Interaction: I am spending time with my wife every day (that’s why I get up at 4:30 a.m.) and Saturday evenings are our “night out.”  I am spending more time talking to or texting my adult children.  I draw a lot of strength and support from my family.  Being able to see people from church, the police and fire departments gives me a boost as well.  It helps connect me to others and reminds me that I have something waiting for me to return to (a goal to push towards).  I also keep hearing about people who are struggling with illness or disease who have it much worse than I do—that keeps me from being “me-centered” all the time.

       

    Nutrition and Health:  I am eating well—good healthy, nutritious food and not cheating on my diet at all (I have drooled at a few pictures of chocolate desserts on Face Book, but nothing has touched my lips).  No junk food or drinks with sugars or sweeteners.  I am trying to follow doctor’s orders down to the T.  I get at least seven hours sleep a night.  Staying warm has been a bit of a challenge this winter.

      Work and Activities:  I am slowly increasing my workload and the activities that I do outside of my daily routine.  I am getting stronger and have more stamina, but it takes a huge amount of energy just to get up, clean up and get dressed for the day.  I have to monitor my energy levels so I am able to do the things that I have to get done.  Other things that I don’t have time or energy for have fallen by the wayside at this time.  I just cannot do it all.

That’s my list and it works for me.  You have to find what works for you.  But try to find ways to feed your heart, your head, your soul, and your body.  You’ll be a better, happy person for it.  The motto: “LIFE: Some Assembly Required” is not just for amputees putting on their prosthetics.  It is for each one of us to choose the life we live and in the process become better people for it. 

Tuesday (1/28/2014)

Update:

I had a very busy day medically yesterday.  I had a 10:15 a.m. initial appointment with my rehabilitation physician,   Dr. Schmidt.  We talked about the process of being fitted for and learning to walk with a prosthesis; we discussed my hobbies and what I would like to be able to do (bow and gun hunting, riding my motorcycle, riding my bicycle, hike in the woods, cutting and splitting firewood, etc.); we talked about a realistic time table for getting back on my feet.  She did a few strength and mobility tests; then got me set up with an initial appointment with my physical therapist for next week; and got an immediate initial appointment set up for me with the lab that will make my prosthetic.  One of the best things I learned today was to lay on my stomach for a few minutes to stretch the one muscle/tendon that has given me discomfort after sitting with my leg elevated.  It really felt good to do that!

At the prosthesis lab, I met with Leah a certified prosthetist and orthotist (I didn’t even know that those were real words before today) who will be working with me.  She examined both my feet and then showed me the parts of the kind of prosthesis I will be getting.  Leah explained in more detail the steps we’ll be taking to get me walking again.  She also made a mold of my right foot for a custom insole and measured my foot for my new shoes.  They look a lot like my current New Balance walking shoes.  They’re black and can be worn with dress and casual clothes.

If everything goes well, I’m thinking I will begin learning how to walk in March.  It takes time to learn to walk and build up time wearing my prosthesis before I will be able to go without too many restrictions.   Realistically, I should be walking fairly well sometime this summer (maybe late spring).

The extreme cold was an advantage for me today.  It caused cancellations at the prosthesis lab so I got in today right when the doctor called to set up an appointment for me. This was a very encouraging day to me.  I feel like I am making progress and took giant strides forward today.  Yeah!!

Today, Karen and I left the house at 9 a.m. and didn’t get back until 3 p.m.  We did eat a quick lunch at Panera’s Bread (one of Karen’s favorite places to eat) and made a 20 minute stop at Sam’s Club—but the rest was all medical appointment time.  Whew! 

Next Monday we get to do it again.  I meet with the physical therapist in the a.m. to design an exercise program to strengthen my core and help prepare the muscles that I will use for walking; we’ll have a quick lunch; and then I have an appointment with our family doctor in the afternoon.    I already have “double appointments” set up on two other Mondays later in the month.  Both Karen and I have Monday off work so it works well so both of us can go and hear all the information and make any decisions together. 

The end of my amputated leg is a bit tender today after last night’s slip and fall.  It feels like any part of the body that takes a hard bump—it’s tender but there is no bruising.  It should be back to “normal” within a couple of days or I’ll have to contact the surgeon.  Pray that everything is fine and I haven’t set myself back by this happening.   And as soon as I took my shoe off last night, I changed into a sticky sock so I could not make the same error twice!

Thought for the Day:

In an NBC News Report (1/28/2014), Maggie Fox writes that “More than a quarter of U.S. families are burdened by having to pay for medical care, and almost one in six struggle to pay health care bills, federal researchers reported on Tuesday… Almost 1 in 6 families (16.5 percent) had problems paying medical bills in the past 12 months.  And nearly nine percent said they had medical bills they couldn’t pay at all… Other reports have shown that costly illnesses trigger about half of all personal bankruptcies in the United States.”

When a family is facing major illness or battling cancer, it is normal to think about the physical struggle, how to get the patient to all the doctor appointments, how does the family manage with only one parent to help while the other takes on a greater workload, etc.  It is easy to imagine the emotional cost of having our hopes and dreams for the future ripped away or the grieving that occur over the loss or limitation.  But a hidden reef that can shipwreck families facing a major illness is finances.  Health care costs are unbelievable!  I still have bills coming in for my eight day stay in the hospital, but right now I already have received over $40,000 in bills for medication alone!  That’s $5,000 per day—now that is some expensive IV medications!  And I’ll be the first to say that I happen to believe that I am worth every penny of it.  I am thankful for the medication and what it did.  It literally saved my life.  I wouldn’t be here without it.  But at what cost?

I really don’t have any answers.  I am the first to admit that I don’t know how our health care system got this way or how to fix it.  I just want to point out this “hidden” burden to many families.  I feel that it is insane how much things cost when supplied in a hospital.  With all the other pressure that they face because of the illness, families don’t need one more like this one.  This doesn’t happen to just families without insurance either.  Many people have policies that cover the catastrophic events; but even then, the family’s share of the bill is astronomical.

This puts a terrible strain on already tight budgets.  It increases pressure on the bread winner to work longer, harder to get more pay meaning that the family gets to spend less time together and perhaps the patient then is left on their own more than they should be.  Financial pressure can produce sparks and produces fights about spending.  It creates a tough balance between throwing every penny you earn against the mountain of debt or using a portion of income for some rest and refreshment. 

I remember over 30 years ago watching someone pay for their groceries with food stamps.  Besides the good things they purchased, there was also a “healthy” selection of junk food and soda.  I remember taking offense.  Someone older, wiser and more mellow than I was, suggested to me that maybe, those “unworthy” food items were the caregiver’s only means of an escape; that it brought a moment of pleasure to those faced with the burden caring for a loved one dying of illness and disease. 

The medical advances we’ve made in the last generation are wonderful but can be shockingly expensive.  Perhaps earlier generations didn’t have to deal with the ethical/medical/financial dilemma that we face.

In principle, I think that people should live within their means.  They shouldn’t purchase things that they cannot afford.  But when it comes to lifesaving measures in the hospital—I have a different viewpoint.  I don’t think we as a society should only care for those who can afford it.  I don’t think that someone without financial resources or insurance should have to check his wallet before getting the care they need.  But it is also a shame that families are destroyed financially by medical bills (I guess I should say by overly inflated medical bills).  I am not blaming or pointing the finger at any one group or entity (I don’t even know who should be blamed).  But something needs to change in our health system.

I don’t have any answers—I have more questions.  I don’t know who or what to blame.  It is all too easy to be okay with the status quo when you are relatively healthy and haven’t been touched by the problem.  I’m less certain what I think about the Affordable Health Care Act (except to say my health care is not that affordable).  Time will tell as we see what it will really accomplish; however it seems to have skirted the problem of actually lowering health care costs. 

It is tough to know what someone is going through.  Some people can handle stress and difficulties better than others.  Be careful not to develop a judgmental attitude.  Have compassion upon those hurting and in need.  As a society, we are joined together.  The idea of neighbor helping neighbor is appealing.  Yet, I know that there is no such thing as a free lunch—somebody always has to pay.   I have this predicament of wanting people to pay their own way (and not have the government force me to pay for others) and yet having compassion and not wanting to deny people the care that they need and the dignity they deserve as fellow human beings.  Oh my head hurts thinking about it!!!  Could I it be that I am becoming a more compassionate conservative!!! 

Monday (1/27/2014)

Update:

It took me all day on Saturday to get my sermon and PowerPoint ready, take a shower and do my exercises.  I made the right choice by deciding not to go to the retreat.  I would have been hours behind and extremely tired by the time I got home.  In the evening, Karen and I stayed home and kept warm.  I made some “cookies” over the weekend.  Some of the kids (Jon, Josh, and Kate) came over and brought Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch on Sunday.  The boys filled up our wood rack in the basement.  My old Pastor, Ray Olson, and his wife, Darlene, came by for a visit.  I got my exercises done and then Karen and I watched episode after episode of Stargate SG-1 (just finished the second season).  We kept nice and warm in our house—Karen kept feeding the wood stove.

I thought church went well on Sunday morning.  One funny note, after our business meeting I needed to use the restroom.  If you recall, my wheelchair doesn’t fit into the stall in the men’s bathroom; but it does fit in the women’s bathroom.  So I have a sign I put on the door when I commandeer their bathroom. It says, “Temporarily in Use by a MALE Amputee.” As I was going into the women’s bathroom, one of the women couldn’t wait so with a friend’s help she occupied the men’s room.  She said, “We need to get our own sign.”  So afterwards I made a sign for her, “Temporarily in Use by a FEMALE because a MALE is Occupying Our Bathroom!” 

Outside the wind is blowing everything into drifts.  It’s cold and by Sunday afternoon they had already called off school for Monday because of the dangerous wind chill and drifting.  Once again, I am very thankful for Dick Krueger who has been shoveling my snow for me this winter.  He has been so very faithful to take care of the handicap ramp, sidewalks and driveway for me (or make certain that it got done if he was unavailable).

Monday morning I have a doctor appointment in Eau Claire.  We’ll see how the roads are before we venture too far.  Hope we can make it in, I really hate to reschedule and wait for the next available date.  I don’t really want to venture out into the cold—but it is winter in Wisconsin!

Sunday night, as I got up from the recliner, I slipped and pounded my stump on the floor.  Owww!!  It hurt but didn’t appear to do any damage.  I had taken my shoe off but forgot to change to a “sticky” sock.  My regular old sock slipped on the hardwood floor.  I won’t make that mistake again (I hope!).  This is the first time since my surgery that I have slipped up and banged my leg.  I am thankful that it happened this late in the healing process so it didn’t break open the stitches. 

We get to “sleep in” on Monday morning, whatever that means.  Normally, we get up every other day at 4:30 a.m. so staying in bed until 6 a.m. feels pretty good.  Karen and I usually do grocery shopping on Monday after a doctor appointment, but I have a feeling we will skip shopping this time and get back (or stay) home into the warm.

This extra cold weather is where it is the most difficult for me just having to stand by and watch.  My wife doesn’t like the cold to begin with and now she has to spend more time out in it to get me up and down our ramp, load my wheelchair and things in and out of the car and go park the car after dropping me off.  I normally would have the vehicle warmed up for her and drop her off at the door since the cold doesn’t bother me as much. 

Thought for the Day:

Max Lucado shares that at the age of nine, he attended his first funeral.  It was for one of his uncles.  He tells how “the weeping ladies frighten me. Glassy-eyed men puzzle me.  My dead uncle spooks me. But then I look up.  I see my father. He turns his face toward me and smiles softly. ‘It’s okay, son,’ he reassures me…Somehow I know that it is.  Why it is, I don’t know.  My family still wails.  Uncle Buck is still dead.  But if Dad, in the midst of it all, says it’s okay, then that’s enough.  At that moment I realized something.  I could look around and find fear, or look at my father and find faith.  I chose my father’s face.” [It’s Not About Me: Rescue from the Life that We Thought Would Make Us Happy].

Maybe you have shared a similar experience where just a glimpse of someone else gives you the strength, the hope, the courage to face what frightens or threatens to overwhelms you.  I find that in my wife when the doctors are explaining something complicated or suggesting a medication, etc.  She has an amazing understanding of the body, how it functions and the medical field.  So I look to her for a nod or a shake of the head.  I may not understand it; but if she says it, I trust her enough to follow her advice (I should have done that years earlier with my diet). 

Beyond a person we know, that same kind of assurance can come to us in times of disaster and difficulty as we look to God.  We can’t see Him face-to-face—but we can sense His peace and listen to His voice through the words of scripture.  In the worst situations, His presence can bring comfort, hope, and peace.  The situation may not change and we may not understand why, but God’s presence gives us enough courage and strength to make it through our current crisis. 

When we turn to Him in trouble we find that “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).  So don’t face your problems alone.  Turn to Him. Call upon Him.  Seek Him in the midst of your storm.  “Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea…” (Psalm 46:2).  When everything around us is falling to pieces, God is the solid rock upon which we can stand.  He is a place of safety and refuge.  This is one of those things you don’t find out until you encounter some of the worst days of your life. 

Don’t look at the circumstances of your life—Look into the Father’s face and listen to Him tell you, “It will be okay.”

Saturday (1/25/2014)

Update:

Friday I stayed at home all day.  I was feeling a bit low on energy.  Of course looking back on the week, I went out for CPR/AED training one evening and went to work at the office for two afternoons—that is more than I have done in one week for several months.  Although I felt good doing it—I think I just needed a bit of down time spent at home.  Just getting through the day at home takes energy too—but my meter doesn’t spin as fast as when I go out.

With that in mind, I decided not to go out to the men’s retreat today.  I was disappointed not to go and I know they were hoping that I would come for part of the day; but I need to save my energy for Sunday.  This is also the first Sunday that I will preach a regular length sermon and I have been working on it all week—but I am not finished with it yet.  Then I really need to build a PowerPoint for the message too. Staying home gives me more time to get it done and not feel rushed or overwhelmed.

One of my cousins from Missouri is supposed to call and visit over the phone today.  On Sunday, there is Worship (me preaching), Sunday School (me teaching) and a Business Meeting at church which will fill the morning.  Sunday afternoon, the pastor who led me to the Lord about 35 years ago is stopping by for a visit.  Monday morning, I have a doctor appointment in Eau Claire.

Well, I better get moving.  I’ve got exercises to do (45-60 minutes), take a shower, work on my message and on my Sunday School lesson.   If I have time I’ll make some Peanut Butter/Bean cookies (no flour and no sugar in this recipe so I can have them).  Tonight, Karen and I will spend the evening together—we’ve been talking about seeing a movie “Frozen” (How appropriate!) but I think we’ve already decided to stay home because of the cold; but who knows what will happen.

Thought for the Day: 

I've been reading through the Gospel of John in my daily bible reading.  Yesterday, I read John 10:4 "...and the sheep follow him [the Shepherd] for they know His voice."  Sheep were often kept overnight in a large pen where several flocks would co-mingle.  In the morning the shepherd would come by and call for his sheep to come to him and he would take them out to pasture. 

I thought “How do sheep discern their Shepherd's voice from all others?”  They listen.  When they are in the field, He talks to them.  While they are traveling from pasture to pasture, He talks to them.  He talks to them when He binds up their wounds.  He talks to the little lambs that He carries on His shoulders.  Eventually they know His voice and follow Him.  They trust Him.  They know that He provides and that He cares for them.  They have come to know Him by spending time with Him.

Jesus is described as the Good Shepherd.  In the bible we are described as the sheep of His pasture.  I want to hear His voice, discern when He is talking to me, and to follow Him.  How do I learn His voice?  I listen.  How does He speak to me?  Through the bible (and through prayer—but this is more subjective).  I need to spend more time listening to His voice so I can know Him better.  Yesterday there was a post on FaceBook that I thought was right on.  It said, “Know the Word of God; Know the God of the Word!”

My decision today to listen to the voice of the Shepherd will be important later.  After days, weeks, months, and years of listening—I will be able to discern His voice when He calls.  I will be able to hear His voice when times are good—and when times turn ugly I will hear His voice and remain at peace within the storm.  If I wait until disaster strikes and then try to discern His voice, it will be much more difficult as I frantically listen to all the voices screaming for my attention.

So read God’s word.  It’s best to read it every day.  Just a paragraph or a chapter at first.  Ask God to speak to you.  Look for a thought that stands out; that you can hold onto.  Work on remembering that thought all day long.  Ponder what it means.  What was God trying to say?  Listen to His voice so that you can discern when the Good Shepherd is calling to you. 

So don’t be too sheepish!  Go ahead and start reading!  Aim for just 5-10 minutes a day and let it grow naturally if you want to spend more time.  Oh, I better go…I think I hear the Shepherd calling me…

Friday (1/24/2014)

Update:

Yesterday afternoon at the office, I recorded a set of Good News Verses for WHEM radio, made a couple of long phone calls and made some limited progress on Sunday’s message.  I proofread the bulletin for Deb, my administrative assistant, and then did some reading.  I had to use the restroom and apparently some kid locked the stall and slide under the door the night before at AWANA.  Fortunately there were a couple of guys at the church at the right time and they opened the door for me. 

At home, Karen made dinner while I did my exercises.  We ate. She swept the floors and then we sat and watched some Stargate SG-1 together before bed.

I am staying at home today and have to make major progress on my sermon and Sunday School preparation.  I woke up sleepy today so I am going back to bed as soon as I post this update this morning.

Tonight the Men’s Retreat for my church begins.  The guys want me to come out for at least part of the day on Saturday.  I hate to miss it—it would be the first year that I have—but right now I’m not certain that I am up to it.  It sounds sort of like a lame excuse.  “But it’s only a few hours.”  It is hard to describe the mixture of times of energy and times when I lack energy that I am experiencing at this phase of my recovery.  There is a constant struggle going on within me.  “I’ll be disappointed that I didn’t go when it is over; I’ll be wiped out and struggle through Sunday if I go.”  Part of my problem is that I desire to do it and at the same time think that it is best that I don’t go.  Then there is disappointing the guys who want me to come.  It is frustrating to want to do something that sounds so simple and yet I am overwhelmed by the prospect of doing it.  A month from now, it probably would be no problem for me to attend.  I am reminded of my youth when I had just started to dog paddle at the pool.  I wanted to go jump off the boards on the deep end of the pool.  My friends were doing it; but I wasn’t entirely confident that I could swim to the edge of the pool.  “Can you swim, kid?”  “Yeah! Well sort of…maybe.”  I did it and lived to tell about it; but it wasn’t the bright thing for me to do.  I suppose that I am still struggling between my desire and my ability. 

I share this struggle because it is hidden and you might not think about it and realize that many people might have similar struggles for different reasons.  It is impossible for us to understand the pressures that another person might be going through.  Maybe for them their ailing mother has drained them of every ounce of extra energy that they have.  Or perhaps the kids have been sick all week and that means that you are way behind on your sleep.  It might be that they have been wrestling with an important decision for some time and that has sucked them dry.  We don’t know.  We may never understand.  What we could personally stand up to doesn’t mean that they can stand up to it.  It may not be a big deal to us; but it may be overwhelming to them.  Be considerate and understanding.  Pray for those who are silently struggling.

Thought for the Day:

“When we have no meaning beyond personal happiness, suffering can lead very quickly to suicide.” [Timothy Keller, “Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering”].  Many in our society have made the meaning of life the pursuit of happiness.  When that is no longer seen as obtainable because of suffering, the natural response is a desire to check out of life altogether.  “I have nothing left to live for.”

Americans tend to naively assume that money and influence can buy the medical expertise to eradicate all our illnesses, the effects of our aging, and our suffering.  We hope to remove all evil and in effect legislate happiness.  Oh if only we could do that!  J.R.R. Tolkien in “The Fellowship of the Ring” said, “Always after a defeat and respite, [evil] takes another shape and grows again.” 

Unlike our modern society’s distance from suffering, historically the Christian faith has suffering at its very heart of the story.  “Suffering is the result of our turn away from God, and therefore it was the way through which God Himself in Jesus Christ came and rescued us for Himself” [Timothy Keller, “Walking With God …”].  Christ’s life, death and resurrection validate suffering as a potentially worthwhile phase of our existence if we are to become Christ-like.

In our culture it is important to avoid pain at all costs since the value or worth of our lives is determined by how much pleasure we derive from life.  In the Christian faith we see that “suffering can be redemptive, a way to serve others, and a way of glorifying God.” [Timothy Keller, “Walking With God …”].   It helps hone us and shape us.  It can polish off our rough edges and allows us to learn lessons that we would never otherwise have learned.

This idea of redemptive suffering does not justify suffering and make it a truly positive thing, nor does it answer the question of why God allows evil and suffering to exist in our world. Yet the witness of the bible is that we grow and develop as people and as faithful followers of God often through suffering and difficulties.  Without pain we tend to become complacent and satisfied; we forget about God and we neglect our relationship with Him.  How many times in my life have I seen my prayer life intensive when I am in trouble but slack off when things are going well?

I believe that most of us know only discomfort and disappointment without experiencing too much real pain.  We think that we have it bad until we hear of someone facing something much worse.  For example, can you imagine a greater pain than midway through your pregnancy to find out that your child will be stillborn?  Facing the grief of a child born that will never enjoy life; having the loss of your dreams of seeing this child grow and blossom into adulthood is extremely harsh to endure.  The days leading up to and following the birth would be dark and seemingly devoid of purpose as our emotions are crushed by the reality of our loss.  Anguish. Despair. Bitterness. Anger.  Jealousy.  Profound sorrow. These are all normal reactions; but God provides something far different, peace, comfort and the reality of His presence.  As we cry out to God in our grief and in our need, a more intimate relationship grows and develops as we draw closer to Him.  As He travels the dark, lonely paths with us, our trust in Him grows.  We learn to rely upon Him and find that He is faithful.  Each experience we encounter gives us fresh opportunity to get to know Him better.  From this perspective, suffering is our friend.

 In his daily email devotional, Os Hillman said this about the difficulties we face, “How often we are so busy looking for deliverance from our circumstance that we miss God completely. God is looking to do miracles in our circumstances if we will only look for them…  Our adverse situations can often be the door of spiritual opportunity for those who need it…  In the next adversity you face, tune your spiritual antennae and ask God for discernment to see the real purpose for the adversity”.  [Seeing A Greater Purpose In Adversity, TGIF--Today God Is First Volume 1, Jan 24, 2014].

Hillman was talking about God-given opportunities that we are given to witness and share God’s love with others because of the situations that our difficulties put us in.  Our painful circumstances will often place us in contact with people we don’t often speak with.  As they observe how we deal with our situation through faith with peace and trust, we are given a rare opportunity of being able to speak when they are curious to hear about the hope within us.

I recall a dear Christian lady who has since gone to be with the Lord.  She had a solid, unshakeable faith that was an essential component to who she was.  Janet was probably in her late 80’s and made you feel like she was your grandma.  Whenever she was hospitalized, she boldly shared her faith with the nurses, the doctors and anyone who came into her room.  Her thought was, “What are they going to say to an old lady like me, ‘shut up’?”  She took advantage of every situation that God placed her in to tell of her love for the Savior, His love for her, and His love for the rest of the world. 

Hillman makes a bold statement that challenges us to change the way we pray during difficult times.  Instead of “God rescue me!” why not pray “God use me!” or “God draw me closer to You!”  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be free of a painful circumstance; but when we are already there, why not put it to good use?

Thursday (1/23/2014)

Update:

My daughter, Kate, dropped me off at the Emergency Services Building in Altoona last night for the CPR/AED certification.  I liked being in the class with firefighters and police officers whom I come to know and enjoy as the department’s Chaplain.  The instructors accommodated my restrictions by placing the mannequin up on a table and I stood on one leg to demonstrate the skills. I past the written test and skills test without a problem. 

The group last night was all guys and was a bit smaller than the class held on Tuesday night so it was more relaxed. The instructors enjoyed the light-hearted banter and the laughs we had.  At one point, we were practicing back blows on infant mannequins that were choking.  I had already had my turn, so I turned around to watch Scott who was behind me go through the cycle of 5 back blows and then 5 chest compressions.  As the instructor set the scene she told those with the mannequins, “Your wife left you at home with the baby while you are watching the Packers’ football game.  You aren’t paying too much attention and you fed the baby a carrot and she started to choke on it.  What do you do?”  I had just happened to bring some carrots along with me for a snack since the class was scheduled from 6-10 p.m.  I passed a carrot to Scott who managed to get the carrot wedged into the mannequin’s mouth.  He then announces loudly, “I can see the object but it I can’t get it to dislodge.”  The entire class looks over at Scott and burst into laughter when they see the carrot.  Scott continues to work on his baby without success until, while in the process of flipping the baby over to do more back blows, he accidentally whacks its head on the table and the carrot comes flying out.  He exclaims, “Oh there I got it!”  Everyone is rolling with laughter at his antics and then he receives plenty of derisive comments about him “not being eligible for the Dad of the Year award,” and “Now we know why you aren’t an EMT,” etc.  It was a light-hearted moment about a very somber situation.    Before leaving the building, I got to spend some time talking with other firefighters out in the apparatus bay who were installing some additional lights on the side of an engine.   I enjoyed the evening out.

This morning, after I finish the Update and Thoughts and get them posted, I’ll do my exercises and read in the bible (I am currently reading through the gospel of John) and then do some additional reading in my inspirational/devotional books.  I am planning to go into my office at church again this afternoon to work on Sunday’s message.  I’m “just one tent shy of being a circus” when someone transports me somewhere.  I appreciate their time and energy.  I cannot lift the wheelchair into the car or truck and get it back out again, so I am dependent upon the generosity of others. 

Karen will come pick me up after she gets done at work and then we’ll head home to make dinner (she does most of the work while I set the table).  I’ll probably work at filling out the doctor’s form for my appointment next Monday after dinner.  We’ll see what we do besides that; but I know “going to bed” will definitely be on both of our lists.  J

Thought for the Day:

In the 9th chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus and his disciples pass by a man who was blind from birth.  The disciples ask a question based upon the common thinking of the day, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:2). 

John 9:3  "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Illness, disease, and death entered into the world because of sin.  But just because someone is sick, injured, or disabled does it mean that someone’s specifically sinned and is to blame for the problem.  Jesus, who later in John 9 healed the man, said that he is ill in order to demonstrate the power and mercy of God by healing him. 

The man who was healed was given opportunity to tell others about how he came to be healed.  His unusual healing was noteworthy and caused quite a stir among those who knew him and the religious leaders.  It’s obvious that something miraculous happened. 

Imagine being blind from birth and all you could do for income was to beg.  I have thought that it might be interesting to grow a scruffy beard, put on old ratty clothes and go into Eau Claire for a day to stand out on a street corner with my lower leg missing and see how much money I could collect; but to have to go out there every day and have that as my only means of support?  No! I am grateful that we have such great healthcare and as a society we have help for people in need.  That along with the loving support of my wife, family and friends makes my life comfortable. 

But this man didn’t have any of that.  Begging was all he had to rely upon.  And Jesus set him free and gave him the ability to see.  It is no wonder that he was constantly praising God for what had happened to Him.  He was overjoyed and filled with hope and belief in the one who healed him.  They say that the best advertising is word of mouth and this man was selling it!  No wonder Jesus said that the man’s blindness would be used by God to display His works.  Undeniable miracle!  It wasn’t a scam.  He hadn’t been faking it since birth.  He was blind and now he can see!  To God be the glory!

Now most of us will never have that kind of opportunity to give glory to God through our testimony.  I don’t personally know anybody who has been blind since birth who has been healed; but I do know a whole lot of people who have been blessed by God in one fashion or another who could give praise and testimony for what God has done for them! 

Through my amputation, I have been given an opportunity to give God credit for all that He has done for me.  I hope that it is obvious from my Updates/Thoughts that I am thankful for all that He has done and is doing in my life.  Everyone comments about my positive attitude.  My positive attitude is a direct result of my faith in God.  I believe that God healed the leaking heart valves that were found in preliminary tests but then weren’t leaking at the last test prior to surgery.  I believe that God prompted my wife to take me to the hospital where they said if she had waited one or two hours longer that I would have died.  God gave me peace, and hope and comfort when I was afraid and in pain and when I needed it most.  My story and my life are a testimony to God’s goodness and mercy.

One thing that I don’t notice in John 9 is the man whining about how God could have healed him sooner; of that God could have prevented his blindness altogether.  There is no hint of this man complaining about how miserable his life had been or how he had been cheated.  I feel the same way as the man who was healed. Praise God for what He has done!  I was in need and He heard my cry and answered me.  Now I haven’t received a leg back whole and sound; and I am not really looking for one (although I would like one fabricated with metal, plastic and whatever they make them out of now a days).  I am satisfied with what God has done for me.  I look forward to continuing to praise Him as I regain my life.  I will tell my story as long as anyone will listen.  My story is a song of praise for a God who loves me.

What do you have in your life that you could give God praise?  Your life doesn’t have to be perfect to have something to give thanksgiving for.  You also don’t have to have anything dramatic happen in your life.  Every one of us has things that we could and should be giving God glory for.  Don’t be shy.  The man who was born blind told the truth to the religious leaders who didn’t want to hear it.  No matter how hard they pushed; he stuck to his story and continued to tell it.  Be bold (without being obnoxious) and tell the story of God’s love for you.